Anagrammy Winners by Richard Grantham in 2001
All the winning anagrams by Richard Grantham from the 2001 Anagrammy Awards.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Hello everyone and welcome to this anagram. As the more perceptive
of you must by now have noticed, it's quite an odd little 'gram
indeed - and for a number of reasons of note. For starters it
uses just about every letter, the sole exception being Z - shit,
now I'll need to include this as well. (Fuck a duck, it's so irritating
when this happens.) Anyhow, this little pangrammatic anagram (or
should this instead read "an anagrammatic pangram"?
I won't harp on it 'cause it'd expend the Ms and As much too swiftly)
is most notable not for this, nor its unusual self-referential
nature, but for a complete dearth of equals signs. They *are*
here, but in a striking, bizarre and even nonsensical twist I
decided to hide the lot and I'm not gonna say where. It's not
a lie: people will just have to discover where they are themselves,
and good luck to you - I have not made it that simple. Darn it,
joins aren't even at beginnings of *words* let alone sentences,
so added ingenuity is called for. To help all you poor amateur
dolts, though, I can now divulge that the exact number of times
my letter stack rolls up here is prime - rather hewing down the
quantity of potential answers. But even now the size of your task
is considerable, 'cos in a rare act of harsh sadism I made this
damned anagram's letter total exactly two thousand, three hundred
and ten (which I am sure you will all soon recognize as the product
of two, three, five, seven and eleven). So rash messing about
with the factors just won't be of any use, I'm so terribly sad
to tell. (I *am* an irritating damn bitch, ain't I?) No, instead
I advise you all to hunt for queer-seeming assortments (along
the lines of peter piper picked a peck of pickled fuck I'm running
out of Ps) where a sudden jump in a letter's frequency hints that
a gap exists in that area - dividing a load between two halves,
so that neither set's letter distribution sustains sizeable harm.
Indeed, chances are you're spot on - yet even now the margin for
error's too immense for that plan to be any good, sadly. Well
well, in total it seems I've made locating a solution much too
hard a chore... alas, it's not. Now that I examine it there's
still one slight flaw: because it's a pangram (and most likely
to run to only one of each infrequent letter per set) one should
just count Zs with a program or even by hand, and divide away
by that amount. Shit, it's so simple even a newt or a graphic
designer could do it... I should've considered that one before
I started, fuck it. Well, so much for the anagram's entire premise
- and, alas, its end now draws near. Thanks so much for reading
it all, everyone - it's been amazing fun to do, and I hope you
all enjoyed it.
Shit, I've uncovered this bunch of extra letters I must have
missed before. Man, this isn't good news... I can tell it's too
many to secrete properly around the rest, alas - but there still
isn't quite enough there to start a complete new paragraph, so
I am fucked if I can tell what I'm gonna do wi
Click here to see the solution
SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The program includes: BONUS AMAZING FAT ABSORBER CAPSULES, THE
30-DAY WEIGHT REDUCTION PLAN, PROGRESS REPORT, AND MUCH MORE!!!
=
Spammer! Spammer! not so bright,
Zero, dog-dung, scrap of shite,
Churns out pretense bawling "BUY!!!!" -
Hear our call: Eat crap and die!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart; knowing that knowledge is power. But know how
to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the
loss of a family member, even when it is an in-law.
They are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They can drive
you wild, would fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much
they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They
give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to those around
them.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the
same to people for whom you care.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy things and fixing stuff.
=
MEN
I'm proud to be a man. Men run this whole planet, you know, holding
positions of power throughout the world. That's just how it is,
honey.
Men have on average a higher level of intelligence than women. Men will always obtain higher marks in domains such as chemistry, physics and the higher reaches of mathematics. The most amazing feats of engineering and very finest works of art in the world were made by men, you know, and it was men who invented most of the torrent of handy products that we rely upon today.
Men are endowed with the most fabulous set of genitals. I know I am, anyway.
We're huger, faster, fitter, more physically powerful, and not held to ransom by our hormones; we have the ability to park, always achieve orgasm, have firm butts, look sexy in Lamborghinis, write better jokes, and then after all of that we have the civility to die at a reasonable age.
WOMEN
Women look good naked and they're fun to shag.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Auto
Wreck
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Suicide is painless,
It brings on many changes,
And I can take or leave it if I please. =
Sung, I believe, in "M*A*S*H" (a series set against epic conflicts and daily pain in Korea).
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Russell Crowe in 'Gladiator' =
Result: I win real gold Oscar!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei =
The elite pure-racist Hitler-based Nazi association.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Five great composers whose surnames started with the letter B (as indeed so many of them did), in chronological order: =
Old Bach, who created great masses or the truly divine Passions then went off to sire more tiresome goddam children;
Beethoven, adored stone-deaf master, model of choral-symphonic writing, whose terse late string music is rather odd;
To Brahms, whose tight symphonies and sweet if guarded violin concerto are deemed models of orchestral restraint;
Berg, who drew his hot, sad violin concerto (dedicated 'to the memory of an angel') from serialism's stern, austere depths;
Berio, whose elegant, edgy, eclectic Sinfonia's rather odd third movement swiped from Mahler, Strauss and others too.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Ode to
the Amoeba
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
You need my seed, my Lily raw,
So ever hot like nettles;
I'd love to surge within your jeans
And smell the pinky petals.
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Bottles of hydrogen peroxide =
Good tip there for sexy blonde.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" =
Prison life cued sad words.
SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
!!!!!!P O R N O M A N I A!!!!!!
Fifty Naked Beauties!
Dykes Giving A Stallion Head!
Amazing Anal Video!
Plus Much More!
!!!!SATISFY YOUR URGE TODAY!!!!
=
If I ever meet you, nasty spammer, I'll stick my sodding bazooka
up your fat ass and fire again and again till you've had enough.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Hi! My name is Betty Wilson. I got your e-mail address off a post.
Please forgive me if I made an error; I'm a two-fingered typist.
I put this little note together to show people that it's not impossible
to lose any amount of weight that you want! I hope you find this
information useful.
I'm married, with two boys, ages fourteen and twelve.
I was getting bigger every year. My weight had hit 264 pounds at age 38. For my height and build, I should have weighed about 175 pounds. That was 89 pounds overweight, clinically obese. My parents were concerned that I was overweight, and growing larger. Every time I lost weight, I gained even more back.
THEN CAME THE CHALLENGE. They said that if I lost weight and got down to my proper weight, they would give me $5,000.
I wanted that money, but even more I wanted to look better and be healthy. I dieted on and off for seven months, but got nowhere. I was depressed and disappointed.
I had researched and tried many weight loss programs during my yo-yo dieting years. I did Slim Fast, Cyber vision, soup diets, starvation, "exercise-and-eat-no-fat," chromium picolinate, metabolic enhancers, and more. You name it and I tried it. I lost some pounds with every diet, and then eventually gained it back, usually with a few extra pounds.
=
Ashamed, desperate and miserable, I was on the verge of giving up. But finally I twigged onto a method which reaped immediate dividends - I lost those extra 89 pounds and MORE... IN A SINGLE NIGHT!!!
Here's my secret:
1. Invite a band of 7 or 8 friends over, and get them to watch as you begin swigging Bloody Marys until you're utterly maggoted. Or, if you have no friends (as I do), simply chug away to a point where you're still dimly in command but notice no more pain (a good way to gauge this is with a stapler on the windpipe).
2. Grab a sharp blade and the vacuum cleaner.
3. Make great big incisions wherever you're deemed too podgy, shove in the pipe, switch it on and lose the damn adipose tissue! It's the odd whitish matter - however, if you inadvertently swallow a kidney instead (it's a brown thingy in the shape of a beef patty with a bite in it) don't worry, you've got another.
4. Wipe up the bleeding and remove leftover lumps of offal.
5. Sew up with cotton thread, dental floss or whatever's around (I ultimately went for picture wire).
6. Seek immediate medical attention.
I got my $5000! I'm now dead slim and getting slimmer by the day. I guarantee this scheme can fix your weight woes too, so if it's needed why not try it tonight?
Regards,
The Estate of the Late Betty Wilson
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The best things in life are free =
Resting beneath the fireflies.
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Battery-operated vibrator =
Probe a torrid, tatty beaver.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A
Carroll acrostic anagrammed into a true story.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Noel Coward is ~
no Oscar Wilde.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
A stanza from the poem Picthorn Manor
by Amy Lowell, anagrammed into paraphrases of four existing sonnets while obeying an additional constraint.
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Two bricks short of a load =
Thick as two floorboards.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Gregorian calendar =
Change error, align date.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Ernie
Eats Cookies In Bed
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A water-closet =
To clear waste.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
When
I do count the clock that tells the time
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Suicide
Off Egg Rock by Sylvia Plath, anagrammed into a depiction of Plath's own suicide.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Within a tubby grandma's legs
An intern gyno stands;
If he gives the hairy clam a smear
And then inspects her glands,
The matron surely starts to muse,
"I wish he'd warmed his hands."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
[A selection of poems by Wendy Cope.]
The
Uncertainty of the Poet
Emily
Dickinson
An
Unusual Cat Poem
A
Nursery Rhyme (as it might have been written by T.S. Eliot)
Kindness
to Animals
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" =
"Cackling at pieheads with original lines like you."
SPAM CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Boat based Whale watching is one of the fastest growing tourist
"must do's", in the world today. We have the honour
of appreciating these majestic giants right on our doorstep. The
Southern Right Whales come to our shores from July to November
every year to calve. They were so named because they where considered
the "Right Whale" to shoot for their high blubber content.
South Africa has joined the rest of the world in protecting these
beautiful mammals from the interference of man. Without a special
permit no boat may approach them closer than 300m. There are a
couple of exceptions where special permits have been given to
Marine Biologists to approach within 50m.
SELFTOURS has an arrangement with a Marine Biologist to take you right up close to experience the whales and capture the most amazing photographs. The difference between watching whales from 300m and listening to them breathe at less than 50m makes a "WHALE OF A DIFFERENCE"!
With the whales come the seals and dolphins, then it's onto the land based Big 5 to view, plus Cave tours & the last scheduled Steam train trip through the Garden Route. Something for the whole family from abseiling the cliffs to having tea with the Elephants and their newly born 6 month old baby.
=
Whale & dolphin watching in South Africa is thrilling, but it mightn't be the thing for you. Perhaps you cannot afford to travel this far, perhaps you throw up at the mere sight of a boat, or perhaps you're an expatriate Boer who won't go near the place since the wretched kaffirs ruined it. Well, we can cater for this meanness, seasickness or prejudice by offering you the next best thing for a meagre amount - just £5.00!
You see, the esteemed palaeontologist Hans Thewissen reports that he has unearthed fossils that show these cetaceans' genetic forbear to have been a member of the Artiodactyl group - a group which we happen to have the odd member of here at our place. So come on down to view the whale's nearest living relatives!
*Behold the feeding of that gentle marine mammoth, the Cow! Thrill to this timeless scene!
*Come within 50m of the majestic Goat! Smell it breathe!
*Swim with the Sheep!
*Hear the bewitching, haunting strains of the world's most accomplished songster, the Camel! Now available on 3CDs (£50.00), overlaid with the music of a remote member of the Lloyd-Webber family.
So for all this and more visit the "North London Whale
Sanctuary and Petting Zoo", here at 63 Beluga Rd, Tottenham.
Bringing human and behemoth together - THAT'S OUR PORPOISE!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
No terrorists here!
Join our porn site, turn off the TV, quit watching the crap happening in the states, and join our free site!
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Future generations =
Our unfit teenagers.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
[A selection of doubly-true anagrams.
Each of these is both an anagram and mathematically correct. A
variety of extra functions have been employed in order to mop
up certain letters. In most cases, the operators (+, -, X etc.)
are the same in subject and 'gram (cf. the first); in others,
they form an integral part of the anagram (e.g. 'PI' on one side,
and an extra 'plus' on the other to deal with the P). Both degrees
and radians have been used to suit individual cases.
For clarity, upper case has been used for the numbers; 'E' should
strictly speaking be written as 'e' but for conformity's sake
this convention has been ignored.]
NINETY-EIGHT plus TWELVE plus TEN minus FORTY-EIGHT =
TWENTY-FIVE plus THIRTY plus EIGHTEEN minus log(TEN)
[= 72]
TWENTY to the power of sin(ELEVEN minus TEN minus ONE) =
ln(E) to the power of (SEVENTY minus NINETEEN minus TWO)
[= 1]
SEVENTY-EIGHT plus FIFTY-FOUR minus (TWELVE times EIGHT) minus
(ONE to the power of PI) =
EIGHTY plus (EIGHTEEN times FIVE) minus FORTY minus (TEN to the
power of TWO) plus FIVE
[= 35]
EIGHTY minus SEVENTEEN plus cos(PI) =
SEVENTY-ONE minus EIGHT plus sec(PI)
[= 62]
(EIGHTY-FIVE times ONE) minus TWENTY plus TEN plus THREE minus
log(TEN) minus sin(NINETY) =
NINETY-EIGHT plus SEVENTY minus (FORTY times TWO) minus NINETEEN
plus EIGHT minus ln(E)
[= 76]
ELEVEN minus TEN plus (SIX times VI) =
(X times VII) minus L plus SEVENTEEN
[= 37]
(NINETY multiplied by TWO) plus EIGHTY-TWO minus TWO HUNDRED
AND SIXTEEN plus SEVENTY-FIVE minus SIXTY-TWO plus sin(ln(E) minus
ln(E)) =
(ONE MILLION divided by TWENTY THOUSAND) plus EIGHTEEN plus TWENTY
minus FORTY-SIX plus TWELVE minus NINE plus TWENTY minus SIX
[= 59]
(cot(PI divided by FOUR) times sin(PI divided by FOUR)) to
the power of (TWENTY plus ONE) =
(cos(PI divided by FOUR)) to the power of ((NINETY-TWO times TEN)
plus (PI divided by FOUR)
[= 1]
cot((ln(E) to the power of (EIGHTY plus SEVENTY)) times (PI
divided by (NINETEEN minus FIFTEEN))) =
sec(((PI plus NINETY-ONE) divided by (ELEVEN to the power of FIFTY-EIGHT))
times (TEN minus TEN))
[= 1]
sinh(negative SEVEN) divided by (((TWENTY divided by (FOUR
times FIVE)) to the power of (E to the power of TWO)) plus NINETY)
=
(((E to the power of negative SEVEN) minus (E to the power of
SEVEN)) divided by TWO) divided by (FIFTY-TWO plus THIRTY-NINE)
[= -6.02545...]
FIFTY-EIGHT minus ELEVEN minus ((SEVENTY-EIGHT minus FOUR)
times tan(PI)) =
EIGHTY minus EIGHTEEN minus TEN minus (FIVE times tan(FORTY plus
FIVE))
[= 47]
FORTY minus FIFTEEN plus TWO minus SEVENTEEN plus SIXTY =
(FOUR times TEN) plus FIFTY-SIX minus TWENTY-SEVEN plus ONE
[= 70]
(SIX minus V) to the power of EIGHTEEN =
(IX minus EIGHT) to the power of SEVEN
[= 1]
[ln = natural logarithm
log = logarithm to base 10
sin, cos, tan, sec, cot = sine, cosine, tangent, secant, cotangent
sinh = hyperbolic sine
e = Euler's transcendental constant (2.71828...)]
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A love-hate relationship =
The volatile pair has one.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Two anagrams of Shakespeare's 128th sonnet,
adapting it to suit the musical instruments played by my own sweetheart.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
'The Lord of the Rings' by John Ronald Reuel Tolkien =
Thrilling nether-land journey of three old books.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A simultaneous anagram and approximate translation of Une Sainte
en son auréole by Paul Verlaine, set to music which is itself an anagram of Gabriel Fauré's setting of the Verlaine.
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