Anagrammy Winners by David Bourke in 2003
All the winning anagrams by David Bourke from the 2003 Anagrammy Awards.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Here's some lesser-known World Records:
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Steve J Francis of Bexleyheath, England managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
=
SMALLEST BRAIN
The smallest one found is that of George W. Bush of Texas, USA, at around the size of a pea.
MOST MEN SLEPT WITH
1st: Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, with 18,972 over 29 years.
2nd: Farrokh Bulsara of Zanzibar (Freddie Mercury, Queen) with 17,281.
3rd: Zsa-Zsa Gabor (14,247).
(THE MOST WOMEN: A toss-up between k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge.)
WIDEST BACKSIDE
A most ample arse can be found on Jennifer Lopez, with a nude width of 44.2 inches.
HUGEST NOSE
Barry Manilow at a fine 12 inches.
FUNNIEST EARS
Charles Windsor.
MOST TEDIOUS
Steve 'Interesting' Davis of Romford, UK.
MOST IRRITATING VOICE
David Beckham.
TINIEST BIT OF CUTIE-PIE FLUFF
Kylie Minogue.
DULLEST ACCENT
Nigel Mansell.
WORST-DRESSED
John McCririck (a horse-racing commentator).
WORST FATHER
Michael Jackson of Neverland.
MOST FULL-OF-SHIT
David Icke.
MOST RIDICULOUS MULLET
Michael Bolton.
LEAST FUNNY 'COMEDY ACT'
1st: Jim Davidson
2nd: Hale and Pace
MOST PATHETIC POP 'SINGER'
Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham.
MOST UNFORTUNATE NAME OF COCKNEY RHYMING-SLANG
Emma Freud
MOST FATUOUS TOAD
Tony Blair
LEAST HONEST
Jeffery Archer
BIGGEST EGO
Belongs to Dave Lee Roth of Pasadena. (A vocalist of 'Van Halen'.) It is, indeed, larger than Pasadena.
MOST VAIN, LIMP-WRISTED, FEMININE, SHIRTLIFTING NAFF OLD POUF
A tie: Graham Norton / Dale Winton
LOUDEST BAND
Spinal Tap. ("They go up to 11.")
HIGHEST GONADS
Jimi Somerville
LONGEST CRIMINAL RECORD
'Pictures At An Exhibition' (Emerson Lake and Palmer)
OLDEST BACHELOR
Cliff Richard (82)
FASTEST-FADED-AWAY DUFF POP DIVA
Mariah Carey (32)
TOUGHEST OLD TROUT
Dolly Parton
CHEAPEST WHORE
Divine Brown - from just 99 cents (around 71 and a half pence) for half an hour.
SILLIEST ACCIDENT WHEN SURFING
Pete Townshend of The Who. (Not only deaf...now dumb and blind too).
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Friendly Letter E
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Night
Before Christmas
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Borderline case =
Reconsiderable.
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Used condoms =
So cum-sodden.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
"What To Do When Someone Dies: A Legal, Financial and Practical Guide" by Milton Berry Scott
=
A: Bury corpse.
B: Scan will.
C: Find a solicitor.
D: Negotiate all money.
E: Get that new diamond! Ha!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'Underneath The Arches' - Flanagan and Allen
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Baghdad, the capital of Iraq =
Big patch of Al-Qaida hatred.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Scarlet women ~
screw men a lot.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The biography of George W. Bush from the
White House website.
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