Anagrammy Winners by David Bourke in 2006
All the winning anagrams by David Bourke from the 2006 Anagrammy Awards.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Europeans =
One up the arse.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The first lesson on guitar =
It hurts one's fingers a lot!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Gary Glitter gets three years in a Vietnamese prison =
"I try some very tight pre-teenage Eastern Asian girls!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
President Slobodan Milosevic, "The Butcher of the Balkans" =
Devil takes the scum responsible for an ethnic bloodbath.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
New Woman's 100 Sexiest Men in the World 2006:
1st Brad Pitt
2nd Jake Gyllenhaal
3rd Orlando Bloom
4th Johnny Depp
5th Clive Owen
6th Jose Mourinho
7th Shayne Ward
8th Daniel Craig
9th Simon Jones
10th Olivier Martinez
11th George Clooney
12th Thierry Henry
13th Robbie Williams
14th David Beckham
15th Jude Law
16th Josh Holloway
17th Adam Brody
18th Pete Doherty
19th Alex Zane
20th David Tennant
21st Gavin Henson
22nd Heath Ledger
23rd Leonardo Di Caprio
24th Joaquin Phoenix
25th Prince William
26th Preston
27th Matthew Fox
28th Jonny Wilkinson
29th Jamie Foxx
30th Vince Vaughn
31st Hugh Grant
32nd Freddie Ljungberg
33rd Vernon Kaye
34th Colin Farrell
35th Dermot OÕleary
36th Justin Timberlake
37th Ewan Mcgregor
38th Fabio Moretti
39th Ashton Kutchner
40th Usher
41st Jason Statham
42nd Eminem
43rd Keanu Reeves
44th Matthew Mcconaughey
45th Owen Wilson
46th Viggo Mortensen
47th Matt Le Blanc
48th James Cracknell
49th Antonio Banderas
50th Calum Best
51st Tom Cruise
52nd Ralph Fiennes
53rd Goran Visnijic
54th Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff
55th Will Smith
56th Prince Harry
57th Naveen Andrews
58th Sean Penn
59th Brandon Flowers
60th Colin Firth
61st Simon Webbe
62nd Pierce Brosnan
63rd Jean Christoph Novelli
64th Michael Owen
65th Gael Garcia Bernal
66th Carl Barat
67th Mick Jagger
68th Steve Jones
69th Jason Lee
70th Cillian Murphy
71st Max Beesley
72nd Paul Bettany
73rd Matt James
74th Nigel Harman
75th Jonathan Ross
76th Lee Ryan
77th Richard Fleeshman
78th Jamie Oliver
79th Steven Gerrard
80th Damien Lewis
81st Anthony Head
82nd Jason Orange
83rd Andrew Lincoln
84th Jody Latham
85th James Mcavoy
86th Daniel Radcliffe
87th Patrick Dempsey
88th Robert Webb
89th Adrien Brody
90th Johnny Knoxville
91st Paul Walker
92nd David Cameron
93rd James Blunt
94th Russell Crowe
95th Ashley Cole
96th Colin Murray
97th Ben Shephard
98th Will Young
99th Gordon Ramsay
100th Alex Turner
=
Now the hundred most dead-gorgeous, sexy women 2006... true VIP "Top Totty":
1st Natalie Imbruglia
2nd Anna Kournikova
3rd Helena Christensen
4th Halle Berry
5th Kate Beckinsale
6th J-Lo
7th Helena Bonham-Carter
8th Penelope Cruz
9th Elle Macpherson
10th Jennifer Aniston
11th Pamela Anderson
12th Angelina Jolie
13th Cameron Diaz
14th Sophie Ellis-Bextor
15th Barbara Schett
16th Emma Major
17th Norah Jones
18th Thandie Newton
19th Jade Jagger
20th Victoria Beckham
21st Kylie Minogue
22nd Avril Lavigne
23rd Sharon Stone
24th Andy McDowell
25th Ms Dynamite
26th Mya
27th Minnie Driver
28th Gwen Stefani
29th Dido
30th Carol Vorderman
31st Beverley Craven
32nd Sheryl Crow
33rd Uma Thurman
34th Isabelle Dinoir
35th Naomi Campbell
36th Joss Stone
37th Jamie-Lee Curtis
38th Lulu
39th Olivia Newton-John
40th Enya
41st Drew Barrymore
42nd Gabby Logan
43rd Alex Kingston
44th Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof
45th Bonnie Langford
46th Twiggy
47th Geri Halliwell
48th Joanna Lumley
49th Samantha Fox
50th Emma Bunton
51st Goldie Hawn
52nd Jemima Khan
53rd Patsy Palmer
54th Exene Cervenka
55th Jennifer Warnes
56th Sara Cox
57th Winona Ryder
58th Stevie Nicks
59th Cheryl Ladd
60th J.K. Rowling
61st P.J. Harvey
62nd Jerry Hall
63rd Madonna
64th Demi Moore
65th Davina McCall
66th Cher
67th Mel Brown
68th Mel Chisholm
69th Monica Lewinsky
70th Whoopi Goldberg
71st Courtney Love
72nd Divine Brown
73rd Jane Fonda
74th Sophie Wessex
75th Joan Collins
76th Steffi Graf
77th H.R.H. Her Majesty The Queen
78th Wendy Richard
79th/80th Trinny/Susannah
81st Rose West
82nd Janice Long
83rd Joan Rivers
84th Tessa Jowell MP
85th Sally Gunnell
86th Victoria Wood
87th Lindsay Davenport
88th Jordan
89th Ruby Wax
90th Dawn French
91st Jenna Bush
92nd H.R.H. Princess Anne
93rd Clare Balding
94th Jo Brand
95th P.M. Margaret Thatcher
96th Huffty
97th Janet Street-Porter
98th Ann Widdecombe MP
99th Camilla Windsor
100th Cherie Booth
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
She has a nice personality =
Any acne? Halitosis? Herpes?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Spanish team Barcelona =
The champions beat Arsenal
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
80 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Queen Elizabeth
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Monday's child
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Miss Ann Coulter =
Nastier columns
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
=
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Sir Paul McCartney files for divorce from Heather =
Too-rich Liverpudlian's free from a crafty schemer!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Devil
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The KGB's former agent Alexander Litvinenko =
Kremlin revenge: Toxin breakfast, long death.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - David Bourke with:
[WARNING CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEAR WORDS AND SEXUAL REFERENCES]
A pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is walking the streets of Soho. In Dean Street he sees a cocktail bar with a sign saying: 'Jazz pianist wanted'.
"Fucking hell, get in there, you cunt!" he says to himself, and enters. "Get the fucking manager of this turdhole, you bollockbrained cocksucking cunt!" he says to the barman, who obliges, and the manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you?" he says to the pianist. "Yes you can, you fat piece of shit! I saw your poxy ad in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Bloody tosser!"
The manager is put off by the man's rather discourteous manner, but his urgent need for a pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune is a very uplifting jazzy number, and at the end, the barman says "Wonderful! What's that one called?"
"That's called Excuse Me Sir But I Just Jizzed In Your Wife's Eye".
"Oh! Very well..." says the manager "Can you play something a little less lively?"
"Motherfucking twat!" says the pianist to himself, under his breath, before playing a ballad which leaves the manager in tears, as he asks him the title.
"That one's When You Do A Bird Up The Shitbox You'll Get Crap On Your Nob-End".
"I see..." says the manager, "And, er...do you have any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well, you stupid cunting prick...", he says, "there's always my mellow jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?"...or even "I Don't Fucking Care If You're Sixty, You've Still Got Very Nice Jugs, Grandmother".
"Look..." says the manager, "You're a superb pianist, but your titles are a bit racy. I'll hire you on one condition...that you don't introduce your songs, and don't speak to the audience at all".
"Oh fuck it..." says the pianist, "Why not!".
The first night, everything is going superbly, and all the crowd are lapping up his repertoire. The only thing putting the pianist off is a quite utterly gorgeous blonde lady in a little black evening dress with a split up the side, revealing the top of her silk stockings, and a plunging neckline showing all her ample cleavage. At the break, the pianist has such a stonking hard-on that he goes to the john and knocks one out. Just as he comes, he hears himself being re-introduced, and so rushes back and finishes his set.
After the show the blonde comes over. "Hi!"' she says. "Hello" he replies...and she whispers in his ear "Do you know your cock is hanging out and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it...?", he says, "I fucking wrote it!"
=
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China, in Shanghai, and the place is just packed to the rafters. He plays 'Part Time Lover' and 'Ebony And Ivory', but to only lukewarm, awkward applause. In a bid to break the ice, the soul legend asks if anyone has a request. One Chinese fellow jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "You play a jazz chord!"
Shocked that this guy knew about the Fifties/early Sixties influences in his career, the blind musician nods, and starts, with gentle keystrokes, to play a sweeping E-minor scale on the piano with a moody, ethereal fretless bass accompaniment, then subtly swaying, goes into a beguiling, bluesy Ray Charles- style melody for about ten deliriously intense minutes, interspersing it with abstract reggae-tinged harmonic counterpoint, unusually-intricate myxolydian scales, excerpts from 'Songs In The Key Of Life', 'Talking Book', etc. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. However, when the thunderous applause dies down, the Chinese chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No no! You play a jazz chord!"
A little bit cheesed-off by this time, but being the true professional entertainer that you know he is, our sightless genius and his superb band dive straight into a staggeringly difficult, free-form improvisation with Stevie on the harmonica, based around 'Superstition' in the B-flat diminished-seventh chord, gradually segueing into 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and other chart- topping tunes from his back-catalogue such as 'Masterblaster', a tender 'My Cherie Amour', a keen 'Living For The City', and a raucous, boneshaking 'Sir Duke' on his huge Yamaha synthesiser...and Stevie really tears the place apart, the multi-coloured beads in his hair swinging around in the spotlight.
The exuberant crowd go bonkers again, but still the little Chinese guy jumps up yet again and shouts, more frantically now, "No no no! You play a jazz chord!"
By now, Stevie's utterly hacked-off, and cantankerously shouts "Hey you! Misstra Know-It-All! Enough's enough, OK! Why don't you get right up here and show me how to do it better yourself, you annoying little slanty- eyed yellow-skinned chinky monkey?"
"Sure!" says the Chinese guy. He gets up onto the stage, takes the microphone, and says "No, rook! Rike this, you see...", then starts singing:
"...a jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
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