Anagrammy Winners by Tony Crafter in 2006
All the winning anagrams by Tony Crafter from the 2006 Anagrammy Awards.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Police cadet =
Delicate cop.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Astronomical observations =
To scan a visible star or moon.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
German Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler =
Grim ruler of Fatherland, eh?
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Twentieth Winter Olympic Games =
We meet top men in white Lycra tights!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Rolling Stones perform a gig in China =
Oriental spot for rich, aging Englishmen.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?"
He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
=
An old couple are in a grannie- home.
He says, "Can you guess how old I am?"
"Sure," she ventures, "but first I just need to grab your balls."
With that, she delves down in his pants, has a clutch and says, "Eighty-five."
"Darn! How d'you know that?" he roars.
"You told me yesterday."
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My real vision? Beating the Germans! =
Every Englishman's great ambition.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Tony Crafter with:
Miss Keira Knightley to be The New Face of Chanel's ‘Coco Mademoiselle’=
Nice, gentle, wholesome choice. Man, I bet Kate Moss is really hacked off!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
After having their ninth child, a Brummy couple decide it's enough as they can't afford a larger bed. So the husband goes to his doctor and says that he and his wife don't want to have any more children.
The doctor tells him there is a procedure called a vasectomy that will usually solve the problem yet it is very expensive.
"A less costly alternative is to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to the ear and count to ten."
The Brummy says, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort me out."
"Yes, it seems iffy, but trust me, it will do the job", says the GP.
So the man dashes off home, lights a banger and puts it in a beer can. Then he holds the can next to his ear and begins to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he pauses and puts the beer can between his legs so he can carry on counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works very well in Liverpool, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales
=
A married couple are motoring along at a controlled thirty miles per hour, the wife at the wheel.
Then her husband blurts out, "I realise we've been married twenty years, but ...I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but gradually increases her speed to forty mph.
The husband continues. "I'm having a fling with your best friend, because the sex is a hell of a lot better than any stagnant congress with you. Don't attempt to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still she remains silent. And the speed goes up to fifty.
Bolder now, he decides to push his luck. "I want the house too."
Sixty mph.
"And the car," he continues.
Sixty-five mph.
"And I'll have the rest too - bank accounts, credit cards, and the boat."
The car, racing on, strays towards a concrete bridge.
This gets him nervous, and he asks: "So, isn't there anything you need?"
The wife replies in a calm, controlled voice.
"No, Bob, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he snorts, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall, the wife shoots a glance at him and smiles; "The airbag."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Asterisks and Ampersands
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The animal psychologist =
"That pig is so melancholy".
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.
Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.
"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
=
A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.
One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.
The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.
"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.
"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The magician =
Am I cheating?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.
As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.
The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.
As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.
The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.
When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.
=
An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.
The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.
He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.
After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"
Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."
Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY
LONG CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked her man "Will you marry me?" The chap said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping, drank martinis, went clubbing, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed thin and farted just whenever she wanted to.
THE END
=
As a blonde was driving home, her phone suddenly rang. It was her panicky boyfriend, who said he'd heard tell on TV that this maniac in a car was travelling the wrong way up a motorway. "Please take care, Cath!" the man pleaded fervently, and she replied, "It's not just one nut! There's, like, HUNDREDS of them!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX
"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
=
THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY
Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!
"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
"Why does mineral water which has tRick Rothsteinled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"
"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."
"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."
"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."
"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."
"You never know where to look while eating a banana."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."
"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."
"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"
"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."
"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"
"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."
"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"
LONG CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An undertaker was working alone late one night.
He laid out the body of Mr. Lunge for its cremation, and made a startling discovery. Lunge had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"Sorry Mr. Lunge ," the mortician sighed, "but I just cannot allow you to be cremated with such an incredible private part. It has to be saved for posterity."
So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"Honey, I've something to show you that you will not believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"Good Heavens" the wife yelled, "Lunge is dead!"
=
A cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral. A massive heart, covered in beautiful flowers, stood in view behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart eerily opened up and the casket moved inside. The big heart then closed up, sealing the doctor's body forever inside its ideal home.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into impolite laughter. When everyone stared at him, he said, "Oh boy! ... I am sorry, but I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist!"
That's when the proctologist fainted.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
If Tomorrow Never Comes
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An adolescent =
Note lad's acne!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Are 'conspiracy theories' on Princess Diana's death true? =
'No, as she perished in a routine car accident,' says report.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ONIONS AND XMAS TREES
The family are sitting at the meal table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
Father, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, Chuck, there are 3 kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like ripe melons; lush, firm and well-rounded.
In her 30's and 40's they are like pears: still nice, although hanging a bit.
After her 50's, they are like, well ... onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
=
These inane remarks annoy his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
Her mother smiles serenely and answers, "Well Penny, a man goes through 3 key phases.
In his 20's, his willy's like a fine oak tree; knotty, noble and so hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's a serene birch; lean, flexible, but usable
After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)
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