Anagrammy Winners by Tony Crafter in 2008
All the winning anagrams by Tony Crafter from the 2008 Anagrammy Awards.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
How come that we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? =
The women's seductive cup-ratios are more important forms of joy than the offices of world power?
LONG CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
On Saturday nights the three lads always went off to town together, but Seamus made a point of passing the church so he could attend confession, while the other mates waited outside.
"It has been a week since my last confession father," said Seamus, "and I'm sorry to say I have sinned of the flesh again."
"Was it that strumpet Babs O'Mairan from the dairy?"
"No father."
"Then, was it those cheeky Brady girls in the fruit shop?"
"No father."
"Don't tell me it was the widow Murphy paradin' her wares again?"
"No father."
"Very well; do your penance and be off with you then," said the priest.
Seamus dashed from the church to his waiting mates. "Great!" he said, "I've been told at least three amazing tips for tonight!"
=
"Father," confessed the man shyly, "yesterday I made love to my wife."
The priest assured the man there was nothing wrong with that.
"But father, I did it with ... lust."
Again, the priest told him it wasn't a sin.
"This was in the middle of the day though, father. Is that okay?"
The priest was getting uneasy with so many uncomfortable descriptions but assured his parishioner that it was a naturally healthy act for a man and wife.
"But father, it was a shameless act of passion. As she leant over the deep freeze I pounced on her and we made love right there on the floor! So ... does it mean I am banned from going to church?"
"Of course not," said the priest.
"Oh, thank goodness, because we're banned from Safeways."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My Generation
LONG CATEGORY, February 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy O'Reilly boarded the train and found himself sharing a compartment with a snobbish-looking Englishman and his pugnacious little dog.
"Hey, what koind of pet moight ye have there, sir?" he asked, in a polite attempt at conversation.
"This? It's a cross between an orang-utan and an Irishman," was the testy reply.
"Bejesus! You mean it's related to the both of us?" said Paddy.
=
An old drunk got on a train, sat beside a priest, and began reading the paper.
After a bit, he looked up and said, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
This was just the chance opening the priest wanted. "I'll tell you, my man! It's caused by immoral living, by demon drink and by too many sins of the flesh! So ... how long have you had it?"
"Oh no, it's not me," said the man. "It says here the Pope's got it."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
20 PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 YEARS OLD.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. Nobody expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call you at 9.00pm and ask, "Oh ... did I wake you?"
5. You are no longer viewed as a chronic hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left for you to learn the hard way any more.
7. You know that things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat your supper at four o'clock in the afternoon.
9. You can live without sex (although you can't live without your glasses).
10. You get into very heated arguments over pension plans.
11. You no longer think of every speed limit as a deadly challenge.
12. You now quit trying to hold your stomach in, regardless of who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyesight won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are usually more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.
17. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they don't remember any of them either.
18. Your diminishing supply of brain cells have finally come down to a manageable number (3).
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. Or which folks you sent it to, so do prepare to be told a few times, that you would have sent this out before.
=
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave keys.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 19 phone numbers to reach members of your family of 3 people.
4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for never keeping in touch with friends and family is that they haven't got e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own drive and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Nearly every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, (which you were quite happy not to have the first 10, 20 or more years of your life), is now a cause for major panic and stress. You turn back to get it.
10. You get up in the mornings and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing!
13. Even worse, bet you know exactly to whom you're going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there's no number 9 on this list.
15. Bet you actually scrolled back up to check that there really wasn't a number 9 on this list!
16. AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING - at yourself!
17. Go on, forward this to some unfortunate pals. You blatantly know you want to!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Circle of Life
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The former Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada =
Murder and death personified in a mad giant.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three Texan surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.
The first surgeon said, "Three years ago, I reattached six fingers and a thumb to a concert pianist. He went on to give a piano recital to the Queen of England."
The second replied, "Heck, that's nothing unusual! I attended a man who was in a bad car accident, and both arms and both legs had been ripped from his body. Yet, just two years after I'd reattached his limbs, he went on to win three gold medals in the track and field events at the Sydney Olympics."
The third said, "Well, that's not unusual! A while back, I attended to a cowboy. He'd been whooping along, buzzing high on cocaine and alcohol, when he'd ridden his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 80 miles-per-hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten-gallon hat. A few years later, he went on to become the President of the United States."
=
An 80-year-old Texan rancher gashed his hand on a barbed wire fence while working the cattle, so he swathed his hand in a bandana and drove alone straight to the nearest doctor. While investigating the laceration, the Americanist doctor asked the man his feelings regarding George W. Bush being in the White House.
The man sniffed and said, "Well, ya see, Bush is a Post Turtle.'"
Not seeing what the man meant, the doctor said, "A Post Turtle! Interesting, but what on earth is it?"
The affable old rancher said, "Well, if you are out driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a quizzical look on the doctor's face, so he explained:
"It's like this," he said. "Ya know he didn't get there by himself; he doesn't belong there; he can't get anything done while he's up there, and ya just wanna help the poor dumb bastard get down!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maxwell's Silver Hammer
LONG CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A 52-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Well? Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you've got another 43 years, 2 months, 8 days and 18 hours to live.'
Upon recovering, the woman chose to stay in the hospital's clinic and have a face-lift, liposuction, two breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even got someone to come in to change the colour of her hair and to whiten her teeth! Since she'd so much more time left to live, she figured she might just as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital, but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance racing to an accident.
Arriving in front of God, she said, 'Well? I thought you told me I had another 43 years left? Why didn't you pull me back from the path of that ambulance?'
...God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'
=
An 84-year-old man and his 83-year-old spouse are having trouble remembering things. To help address the problem, the doctor suggests they start noting them down.
That night, the old guy gets up from his chair in front of the TV. "Do you need anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Ooh yes! May I have a bowl of vanilla ice cream, please?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write that down then?"
"Nah, I'll remember it."
"Oh, and I'd love a hint of chocolate sauce on top. Write it down."
"Hell, no! It's fixed in my head," he says. "You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce."
"And I'd also like some whipped cream. I am sure you'll forget that. Make a note."
"Jeez! Don't get so paranoid! I got it, for goodness sake! 1: Vanilla ice cream; 2: chocolate sauce; 3: the whipped cream. Right?"
He toddles off to the kitchen. About 45 minutes later he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and 2 eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment ..."Where's my toast?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothes and place them methodically in laundry basket, separating lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, modestly cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do still more sit-ups/leg-lifts/weight-watching.
Get into the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once, using usual jojoba-and-orange-flower shampoo with twenty-eight added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's thoroughly clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit-and-mint-with-a-hint-of-lime-zest conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed-apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Manuka honey-and-Kikuyu beeswax aromatherapy body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner and wipe down.
Get out of shower.
Dry body with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super-absorbent fluffy towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown with towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
=
SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the corner of the bed and leave them lying in random pile.
Swagger naked across the landing to the bathroom.
If you catch sight of wife along the way, shake willy at her doing the 'woo-woo' sound.
Appraise your exceptional, manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch bum.
Get into the shower.
Wash your face and neck.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water-jets flush the contents off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
Wash your bum, leaving numerous coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a trendy Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partly dry yourself off.
Fail to notice excess water on floor caused by curtain hanging outside bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror and scratch bum again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat lying on floor, and light and fan still on.
Exit, dripping, and swagger back to bedroom with towel wrapped around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and do the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Carelessly throw wet towel onto bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE ALL GIGGLING, CHAPS, BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY TRUE!!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Composed Upon Westminster Bridge
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I'd do anything! =
Had no dignity.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Grumpy patron): "Waitress! Is this coffee or tea? It tastes like turpentine!" =
(Trim young waitress): "It's tea, then. Our coffee tastes like paint-stripper."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE ELEPHANT
Hilaire Belloc
When people call this beast to mind,
They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind,
So large a trunk before.
=
BLEED
Tony Crafter
A bull raged down a Spanish street,
Like Hell, the people ran.
More victim than mere loco beast;
I hail the bull. I loathe the man.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
WHO? WHY? WHERE?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and which has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud.
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
116 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 have done time for assault.
71 cannot get a credit card due to a bad credit rating.
4 have been arrested on drugs-related charges.
8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year.
So, which of our organizations is this, exactly?
Well ...
It is the 635 members of our House of Commons - that same group, remember, who crank out hundreds of new laws each year to keep the rest of us commoners in line!
Hmm ...
=
THE EASIEST TEST EVER?
(Try this to test your degree of savvy!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) Which animal gives us catgut?
4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel-hair brush made from?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries originate from?
10) What colour is the black box in an airplane?
Done?
Perfect!
But you need four correct answers to pass the test, so ... check beneath:
1) 116 years
2) Ecuador
3) Sheep and Horses
4) November
5) Squirrel fur
6) Dogs
7) Albert
8) Crimson
9) New Zealand
10) Orange
Did you succeed and get four?
No?
Feel bad?
Never mind.
Send it to five best friends to make them feel bad and you feel fine!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Strangers in the Night
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a great outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that his adversary was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us from all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
"Then he told me that all the country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
=
THE POPE AND FRANK PERDUE
Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience, and while having the papal blessing bestowed upon him, he whispered, "Oh, Your Eminence, just between we two, do I have a whoopee deal for you! If you just change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we'll donate five hundred thousand dollars to the Church! Phenomenal, eh?"
The Pope replied, "That is indeed generous, but impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and that may not be changed. The matter is not negotiable".
"Ok then," rejoined Frank, "We do appreciate the position, so we are prepared to donate a mammoth one million dollars to the Church if you change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"
Again the Pope admitted, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".
"Ooh, but Your Eminence! Just between us - I bet it's a temptation!" heehawed Frank, jabbing the air. "Ok - how about a billion! Admit it, that is a good bid! It's the highest we can go."
The Pope smiled as he stated, "Just between us, I have to repeat that the matter is not negotiable. Oh, I heed not the heathen money. Keep it! The Faith shall withstand the highest temptation."
Frank's jaw dropped, and he appealed to the Pope, "Oh, no, we are not heathens! To prove it, we will donate a phenomenal five billion dollars if you will change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That is as high as we go. I'll await the papal decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.
The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news," he told them. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."
There was a heated babbling from the Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them entreated.
The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
RULES FOR A LIFE THAT'S FULL OF HARMONY
Live simply.
Care deeply.
Love generously.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
=
FULL RULES THAT FAMED ROMEOS KEEP
Live for today.
Care for nothing.
Love ruthlessly.
Speak lyingly.
Leave speedily!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Philanderer Derek popped into the barbers for a haircut and while waiting for the barber to sharpen his razor, Derek was having a manicure from the very shapely blonde female assistant, and so he grabbed the chance to chat her up.
"What time will you finish here?" leered Derek out of the side of his mouth.
"About five o'clock," she said.
"Well, how about coming out for a drink and dinner with me?"
"But I'm married," she said.
"So what?" winked Derek.
"Well, what would I tell my husband?" asked the blonde.
"Tell your husband straight. Tell him you're going out tonight," said Derek.
"You tell him," she said. "That's him sharpening the razor."
=
A man went into a hairdresser's shop and asked him, "How long will you be?"
"Up to half an hour, sir," said the barber.
"Ok, I'll pop back later," said the man, then left.
He didn't return until the following day. "How long'll you be?" he asked.
The barber had four customers waiting. "Hmm - about an hour, sir," he said.
"Right, I'll come back."
The man did this every day that week and never returned, so the hairdresser became a bit rattled and asked his apprentice to follow him. "Tell me where he goes," he said. "Hurry!"
The apprentice whizzed off, but was back in five minutes. "Ok, I followed him!" he said.
"Right! ... Where did he go?"
"Straight round to your house!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DANGLING CONVERSATION
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
John Keats 'Ode On A Grecian Urn' ~
hooks reader on an ancient jug!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you.
=
To that fat guy by the exit: We must ask you not to use the WCs, as your unwelcome arse is way too huge for the pans!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed a little old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked what was the matter. She said, "I have a 25 year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, toast, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well! Now, why are you crying?"
She said, "He does me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me all the afternoon.
I said, "Then, just why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he cooks me a gourmet meal with red wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."
I said, "Well, why on earth would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"=
Two elderly widows had been friends for many years. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures, reminiscences and hardships. But recently, their activities had diminished to meeting up once a week to play cards.
One day, they were commencing a game of whist when one woman looked at the other and said sheepishly, "Now look, don't get mad at me... we have been chums for a long time - some 52 years I believe - but no way can I think of your name! I've thought and I've thought, and it's useless - I just cannot remember. I know I am a dummy, but please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For a full 2 minutes she stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you have to know?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A murder play =
Purely drama
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The music of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Campus folk guitar and fluent harmonies.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he would pass a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her, fearing various saucy remarks that were almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds for a good time, sweetie?" she'd shout from her spot.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily event. He'd jog by and she'd inevitably cry out, "One hundred and fifty pounds - yes?"
He'd yell back, "No! Five!"
One day, Camilla decided that she would like to accompany Charles on his run
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Prince Charles realised she would bark her £150.00 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on past outings. He figured maybe he'd better have a good explanation ready for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the woman, he became even more nervous than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the woman's eyes as she watched them jogging past. Then, from her spot on the street corner, the hooker yelled:
"Oy! See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?"
=
The English golfer's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God, Ruth! Why aren't you wearing any underclothes?" Demanded her husband John.
"You don't give me enough on my shopping-allowance account to afford them, John," she retorted.
John immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, Ruth; here's a £100. Do go and buy some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. An up-draught also hitched her skirt up to show that she, too, was wearing no underclothes. "Holy Virgin Mary, Gale!" He said. "How come you have no panties?"
She replied, "Well, I can't afford them on what you give me."
O'Marah dipped into his pocket and said, 'For the sake of decency Gale, here's a 50. Go and buy some undies!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. A further gust took her skirt up to reveal that she, too, was naked underneath. "Och! Mudder o' Lord Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are your drawers?"
She too replied, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd them."
Jock reached into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb ...Tidy yerself up a bit."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HEALTH QUESTION-AND-ANSWER QUIZ.
By
Doctor Feelgood
Q: I have heard that a proper cardiovascular exercise regime can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don't use them up exercising. Everything wears out in the end. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that is like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering the vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And an added pork chop can give you all of your recommended daily allowances of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled from wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits so, happily, you get more added goodness that way. Beer is also made from grains. Cheers!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ~
Q: What are some of the advantages of having a regular daily exercise routine?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My attitude is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Oh dear me; you're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are saturated in it. How could getting more of these vegetables be bad for you? It's ecology. Ok?
Q: Can sit-ups actively prevent me getting a little fat around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it actually makes it larger. Take note! You should only do sit-ups if you want a larger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans? Yes - another vegetable! Chocolate is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I trust this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about accurate food and diet evaluation.
And remember:
Life should NOT be seen as a velvety walkway to the grave, with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, svelte and well preserved body, but rather as a sideways skid - Chardonnay and corkscrew in one hand, chocolate-cake in the other, body used up and worn out - screaming, 'WHOOPEE! What a ride!'
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Reusable condom =
Doubles romance!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife was in the kitchen, preparing to boil some eggs for breakfast, just as her husband walked in. She turned round and said, "You've got to make love to me now."
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'Man! This is my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose one precious moment, he said, "Sure!", embraced her and then gave his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
His curiosity aroused, he said, "What was that all about?"
She replied, "The egg timer's broken."
=
A trucker, who has been on the road for three weeks, halts at a brothel-dinette outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, gives her five-hundred dollars and says, "Hi ma'am. I want to spend this on your biggest, ugliest woman and an egg sandwich!"
The woman is astonished. "Well, ok honey-pie, but for that kind of money you could have had just about the prettiest babe here and a three-course steak dinner," she suggests.
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Mandy
LONG CATEGORY, October 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Read this question, come up with your answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is exactly as it appears. No one I know has got it correct yet - including myself.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy she did not know. Yet she thought this guy was amazing, the perfect stereotype dream guy, and considered him to be just the type of man she had always wanted! Straight away, she fell completely in love with him, yet, unluckily, never asked for his name or a number and could not trace him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give it some thought before you try to answer it).
SCROLL DOWN.
=
Answer: She was hoping that the man would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered correctly, then this shows that you think like a psychopath. This quiz was devised by a renowned American psychologist to test which of us have the same mentality as killers.
Several arrested killers did the test and the deranged nuts answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, then good for you. If you got it right, then please let me know imminently so I can remove you from my mailing list forthwith; unless that will make you mad, in which case I'll just be downright extra-nice to you from now on. Be sure to share the test!
Do remember to let me know if you got it right!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Our Last Summer
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Skeletons in the cupboard =
Bones unlocked their past.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife are woken at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asks his wife.
'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring down out there!'
'Well, you've got a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and help him!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.
=
The duty-sergeant answered the police station's telephone at 3.00 on a Sunday morning. The person on the other end sounded addled and slurred.
"I wanna report a sherioush theft, offisher. I have been robbed! Shum lousy crook has unlawfully broken into my car and has shumhow plundered my poshessions."
"Your possessions? What sort of possessions?" asked the sergeant.
"My shteering wheel, brakes, dashboard, gearshtick, windshcreen. The whole bloody lot hash been taken away! Outrageoush. eh?"
The sergeant humoured him for a few moments; assured him he understood and said that he would address the situation.
"Jesus! Bloody drunken goof, phoning up at 3.00 in the morning," he murmured wearily as he hung up.
3 minutes later, his phone rang again.
"Yes?" growled the now grumpy desk-sergeant.
"It'sh ok, you can shtop looking," said the same drunken voice. "I wish to withdraw all allegations. My mishtake. I got into the back seat!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sixteen Going On Seventeen
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leonardo Da Vinci's 'The Adoration of the Magi' =
A Visitation. Three men on a road. A child of God.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity...' =
'A Tale of Two Cities' - This commences with these pithy, if bitter-sweet, words of wit about the phases of life.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going straight home, went off partying with the boys all weekend.
When the man finally reappeared at his home on the Sunday night, his wife Connie was apoplectic with rage.
After a few of hours of stamping and screaming, she asked, 'And how would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'...
The husband could not believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and promptly said, 'Terrific! That would suit me just fine!'
Monday went by, and the man did not see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
=
A man and his wife were midweek-shopping in Tesco, when the husband saw some tins of lager and idly loaded them into the trolley
'Oi! What do you think you're doing?' demanded his wife.
'Well, they're on offer, only ten pounds for twenty-four tins,' he blubbered.
'Put them back, we can't afford beer!' hissed his wife. He sulkily did as she said and they continued shopping...
A few aisles later the woman saw a jar of Divine Face Cream costing twenty-pounds and duly put it in the trolley.
'Oi! What the hell are you doing?' demanded the guy, we can't afford that!'
'It's my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful,' she said.
The man replied, 'Well, so does twenty-four tins of lager, and it's half the price!'
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