Anagrammy Winners by Dharam Khalsa in 2010
All the winning anagrams by Dharam Khalsa from the 2010 Anagrammy Awards.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband
After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:
Dear Mrs. Khalsa,
Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.
August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.
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August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.
August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.
August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.
September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.
October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"
October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.
In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!
The management
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Muslim group warns 'South Park' creators of death =
USA authors draw results from mocking a prophet.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A nurse's care =
Reassurance.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....
A farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.
We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would only get the lead out.
He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.
They were too close to the door to make it close.
A buck does funny things when does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.
To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese? ~
Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?
We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?
If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?
How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.
Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!
(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
It's time for our quadrennial fixation;
With amazing judgement (or dumb luck),
Choose your favourite football nation
To predict the winners of the World Cup.
=
A fortune-telling octopod quaint
Jumped out from its tub restraint,
Foretold of a German win,
Which excited a humour of Berlin,
Who vocalized, "Our inky saint!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"One Hundred Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
OLD __________ NEVER DIE...
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2010:
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Christmas Party Memo
(Political Correctness in overdrive)
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 November 2010
RE: Christmas Party
I'm delighted to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Grill House. This gathering is for employees only. Therefore, we will register with the restaurant hostess at the door of the private function room at 12:00 noon.
There will be a cash bar and lots of drinks and festive eggnog. We'll have a little band there playing traditional holy carols. Please feel free to sing along! And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as that overstuffed bewhiskered jolly elf, Santa Claus!
The lighting of the Christmas tree will be at two o'clock and a photographer will take the group photograph. After we are photographed, the gift exchange will be done. However, each gift should not be over $10 to make the giving less challenging for our overstressed pocketbooks. As we indulge in the delightful roast beef and dessert, the CEO will give his address on the stage.
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
In no way whatsoever was yesterday's memo intended to leave out our Jewish employees. This was an unfortunate oversight. We recognize that Chanukah is a very important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). We're redubbing our festivities the "Holiday Party."
The same applies to all other employees who are not believers in our Lord and Saviour. There will be no Christmas tree or traditional church carols sung. We will provide different types of music for your enjoyment. I hope you're all satisfied now!
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the snotty message I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate that request, but if I put a tag on a table that says "AA" you won't be anonymous anymore! How should I handle this? Try perching them high on the roof? Somebody?
Oh, and forget about the gift swap - no gifts are allowed. The spendthrift union officials feel $10 is too much money and the hardwired management believes it's a gyp! Therefore, NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Thank you,
Fed Up Pauline
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~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 10 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
My, I never realized what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the company party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your food until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the tables nearest the restroom.
Gay men are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men. Each group will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress - sorry, no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short... oops, I meant to say 'vertically challenged' people. Low carb/low fat food will be available for those on special diets. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruit bowls as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" pies.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 14 November 2010
RE: The F*****g Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f******g salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream! I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL
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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Company Employees
DATE: 16 November 2010
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis an extra-speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at Room 200 of University Hospital. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and gift exchange, instead giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
LONG CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A shepherd was herding his flock into a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a stylish Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and quietly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and opened an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry. After a few moments, he received a response.
Finally, the young man printed a 159-page report on his miniaturized printer and turned to the shepherd and said,
=
"I have determined that you handle exactly 951 sheep."
"Correct," said the shepherd, appearing disheartened. "Go ahead, take one of the sheep."
He watched the expensively dressed, clean fingernailed man pick an animal in a hilly pasture and place it in his spotless new German car.
Before the winner could leave, the shepherd thought of a spontaneous proposition and signalled him to stop, pleading. "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give that animal back?"
"Sure, why not?" replied the flippant man, undeterred.
"You are a professional consultant!" the shepherd announced.
"Brilliant, I'm impressed!" answered the puzzled man. "How could you guess that?"
"No special knack required," stated the shepherd. "First, you turned up here at dawn when nobody called you. Then you offered to charge me for an answer I already knew, to something I never asked, and you don't know sh*t about my business!
Now, give me back my dog!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Hemos Perdido Aun Este Crepusculo
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