Anagrammy Winners by Tony Crafter in 2010
All the winning anagrams by Tony Crafter from the 2010 Anagrammy Awards.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...
Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'
Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'
Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)
'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'
So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.
The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' replied Roger.
'And has she helped you to decide?'
'She has,' he nodded.
'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen.'
=
A VERY SPOOKY CAR
This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.
John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!
As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.
Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.
Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.
A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The melting polar ice caps =
Climate change's top peril.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GODFATHER OF GREEK PHILOSOPHY.
Keep this philosophy in mind every time you hear, or are about to spread a rumour.
Back in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the acclaimed philosopher chanced upon an acquaintance, who dashed up to him excitedly and announced, "Hey, Socrates! Do you know what I have just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to take a small test. It's called the Test of Three."
"The Test of Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before talking of my student let us take a moment to test what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "in fact, I have only just heard about it."
"Right then," added Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. And now let's try the second test; the Test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"All right," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you don't know for certain that it's true?"
The man looked down awkwardly, and it was obvious that he was growing very embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there's a third and final test, named the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, I think, probably not..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to relate is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, then why tell me at all?"
The man was now deflated and ashamed, and he said no more.
And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
=
RIOTOUS TIMES!
A Louisianian rancher passed away and left his estate and possessions to his spouse. The spouse, an extremely attractive woman, was eager to keep the successful ranch going but knew little about such matters, so she put out a classified ad for a ranch-labourer to assist her.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One, Matt, was gay and the other, Russ, a drunk. The woman thought about it at length and, as no one else applied, settled on Matt, the gay guy, assuming it would be safer to have him around the house than Russ the lush.
Matt proved to be a loyal, courteous employee who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranch duties too. For weeks, the two of them toiled industriously together, and the ranch progressed well.
One day, the widow said to Matt, 'You've done a really excellent job, and the ranch is a great success. You should go out on the town and treat yourself to a seriously riotous time!' she laughed.
Matt eagerly agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One o'clock came and Matt had not returned. Two o'clock came and he'd still not returned. Eventually, he came in at around two-thirty. On entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting on the settee with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She stood up and quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Hands trembling, Matt did as she said.
'Now take off my boots.'
Slowly, he did as she said.
'Now my stockings.'
He cautiously removed each and put them on the carpet.
'Now take off my skirt.'
Reticently, Matt unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra.'
He obeyed, letting let it drop to the floor.
Then she looked him in the eye and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder =
We embark and ache for togetherness.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Bill Gates is no longer the world's richest man =
The Carlos Slim billions negate nerd's growth.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A guy was having a drink in the bar of the departures lounge at a busy airport, when a beautiful young woman walked in and sat on a chair near to his.
Because she was in uniform, he thought that she was possibly an off-duty flight hostess so he decided to have a crack at picking her up by identifying the airline she worked for, hoping this might just impress her.
He looked across to her and recited the Delta Airlines slogan, "We love to fly and it shows."
The woman just looked at him curiously.
He sat back to reconsider, then he leaned forward again and delivered the Air France slogan: "Winning the hearts of the world."
Again she just stared at him with a rather puzzled look on her face.
Still undeterred, he had another go, this time quoting the Malaysian Airlines slogan: "Going beyond expectations."
The woman looked at him harshly and replied, "Huh? Just what the f**k are you talking about?"
"Ah!" he said, with a knowing smile on his face."Ryan Air."
=
A burglar broke into an apartment one night. As he was shining his flashlight around, checking for the usual valuables, a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
Nearly leaping out of his skin, he clicked his flashlight off and froze, waiting in anticipation. When he heard nothing, he shook his head then continued.
As he started to grab the digital TV, he again heard it, clear as a bell... "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone the light around frantically, seeking the owner of that odd voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot gazing at him. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the bird.
"Yes, I did," the parrot squawked, "I was just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The man relaxed. "Warn me? And who on earth are you, anyway?"
"Moses," answered the bird.
"Moses?" laughed the burglar in disdain. "What kind of sick people would name a parrot Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Alone - Edgar Allan Poe
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
They're bad news =
Debts anywhere.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Man to girlfriend: "I've got a full set of three Olympic condoms, and I shall wear the gold one first. Chances are, you're ~ in for a hit, gold-medalist performance!"
Girl (frostily): "Tell you what, use the silver one and come second for a change."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"But Guy's heart slept under the violets on Muriel's grave." (from Edith Wharton's "April Showers") =
Peter vows undying love
To merit Ella's trust,
Then he dumps her for Iris
(Who has a larger bust).
LONG CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Who says the Chinese don't have a sense of humour?
Two British businessmen were sitting down for a break in their shortly-to-be opened shop. As yet though, the shop wasn't properly ready - it had no stock and only one shelf had been put up.
One man said to the other, 'I'll just bet that any minute, some damned idiotic tourist is going to come by, stick his face through that door, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner had the words left his mouth than, as predicted, a curious Chinese tourist peered in through the open door. In a thick Chinese accent, he asked, 'So, what you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without missing a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'
=
Three dead bodies turned up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The Coroner called the police to inform them what had happened.
The Coroner told the Inspector: 'First body: Angelo Elana, a stereotype Italian, died of heart failure while with his new mistress. Hence, as you see, the enormous smile.'
'Second body: Angus Jackson. Scottish, won twenty-two thousand pounds on the National Lottery but wasted it on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the insane smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'How about the third body?'
'The most unusual one of all,' said the Coroner: Seamus O'Shaugnessy, Irish, struck by lightning.'
'So, why's he smiling?' asked the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his photo taken!'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Subject: HELL
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A sniffer dog =
Finder of gas.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The teary young woman - who was relating the details of her accident to the police - assured them that she was not speeding.
=
"What gear were you in, then?" said the state cops.
"Chartreuse hat, faded-lemon two-piece, mint shoes, tights and a yellow thong."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rainy Days and Mondays
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Clarkson and his pal Sam decided to go skiing, so they loaded up Charles's van and headed north.
After travelling for some hours, they got caught in a bad snowstorm, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could shelter there for the night.
'I realise that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she said. 'The neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Oh, don't worry,' Charles said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather clears up, we'll be gone in the morning.'
The lady agreed. The men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and the men headed off to enjoy an excellent weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Charles got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally decided it must be from the lawyer of the attractive widow he'd met on the skiing trip.
He dropped in on Sam and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing trip up north about nine months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' replied Sam.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well... yes,' Sam said, a bit embarrassed at being found out. 'I have to admit, I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?'
Sam's face turned as red as a beetroot. 'Yes, I'm sorry Charles; I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
=
TEODORO, THE MIDDLE-AGED LOTHARIO.
Teodoro, a middle-aged but reputedly virile Italian gentleman, was having a drink at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.
They chatted for a while and things duly progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment. After more drinks and witty chat on his part, they retired to the bedroom, where he rattled her senseless...
After their joyful activity, he asked with a happy smile, 'So, you finish, yes?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Somewhat deflated, but keen to live up to his mighty reputation, Teodoro reached for her and they resumed their intimacy. This time they made love with added voracity and there were howls of wild passion. The furious sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, 'You finish, yes?'
After a short pause, the woman returned his smile, cuddled up closer to him and softly murmured, 'No.'
Mamma mia! Stunned, but determined not to leave this magnificent woman unsatisfied, Teodoro reached for her yet again. Summoning up the very last of his strength, he was barely able to get through it, but they finally ended together screaming joyfully, bucking, clawing and ripping at the bed sheets. Wow, dynamite!
The exhausted Teodoro fell onto his back, groggy and gasping. Barely able to turn his head toward her, he looked into the woman's eyes, smiled and asked, 'You finish?'
Hardly able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered, 'No, I Norwegian.'
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The honeymoon virgin =
Oi! No hymen overnight!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Don't eat cereals that change the colour of the milk =
Chocolate Corn Flakes that delight me are out then?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a heavy sigh.
'What troubles you, Sister Cecelia?' asked the Mother Superior... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Jesus.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior concurred. 'So, I take it your day of joyous recreation was not relaxing?'
'Joyous? Far from it,' groaned the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness me!' gasped the Mother Superior. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the eighth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother... a five-hundred-and-forty-yard par-five, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I chose ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that did not make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it! While I'm still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel jumps out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that could make me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.
'But I did not, Mother!' cried the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I'm pondering whether it's a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So, that is when you cursed,' said the other with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' she cried, 'because, as the hawk was flying out of sight, the squirrel began to struggle and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball pinged out of his paws and rolled to about eighteen inches from the hole!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ....
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
=
THE GOLFING ASSASSIN.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're very welcome.' So, with that, they started playing and they enjoyed the game, as well as the stranger's company.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'Well, I'm a... professional hit man. I carry out assassinations,' was the somewhat embarrassed reply.
'What? You are kidding, right?' they responded, flabbergasted.
'No, I'm not,' he said, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out an impressive sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'And to prove it, this is my equipment.'
'Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,' whistled the other friend. 'Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to spot my house from here.'
He picked up the rifle and looked westwards through the sight, towards the direction of his house.
'Yep, I can see my house all right. Wow, this sight's terrific! I can view right in through the windows. And there's my wife in the front bedroom...! I can see that she's stark naked... W'wait a minute,' he stuttered, 'that's my neighbour in there with her... Lord! He's undressed as well!' He turned to the hit man, 'Right,' he huffed, 'that's it! How much would you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a standard flat rate for you - a thousand dollars, plus tax, every time I pull the trigger.'
'Will you liquidate both of them for me right now?'
'Ok,' he nodded, 'what are your requirements?'
'First, shoot my wife. She's always been a bigmouth, so take her square in the mouth. Then, that sex-mad neighbour who's supposed to be my friend - shoot his worthless dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man nodded, 'I understand'. He lifted the rifle, composed himself, then started to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Well? Are you going to do it or not?' asked the frustrated friend.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I may be able to save you a grand here...'
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Doleful evening ~
feeling unloved.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Pyramids =
A head-tipping mystery!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dearest Wife,
I know you must surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being a fifty-four-year old woman, can no longer satisfy. I am extremely satisfied with your cookery skills and your housekeeping prowess, and I value you as an unusually good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not misinterpret the fact that I shall be spending this evening with my more comely, eighteen-year-old secretary at the Comfort Lodge Hotel.
Please do not be too upset - I shall make sure I am back home before midnight and I shall, of course, try not to awaken you.'
When the man returned home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
~
'To My Dear Husband,
Well, I've read your letter, and thanks for your honesty regarding my age. May I take this opportunity to remind you that you are fifty-four as well?
As you know, I'm a maths teacher at the local college, and I'd like to inform you that, while you're at the Comfort Lodge, I'll be at the Purple Panther Inn with Greg, one of my students, who also happens to be a bodybuilder and tennis coach. He's virile, well-endowed, tireless and, like your secretary, eighteen and single.
As a businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you'll understand that we're both kind of in the same situation, although with one vast difference; eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SENIOR CENTRE
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre, and Claude the hypnotist declared: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude said: 'I want you all to keep your eyes on this watch. It is very special and has been in my family for five generations.'
He began to swing the watch slowly back and forth while gently purring, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...' The old audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes all followed the watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' cursed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clear up the Centre.
=
SENIOR ROAD TRIP
Whilst away on a road trip, an old couple stopped at a cafe to have lunch.
After finishing their lunch, they left the table to continue the trip.
Exiting the cafe, the woman unwittingly left her spectacles on the table inside, and didn't miss them until they'd driven thirty miles.
To make matters worse, they had to go quite a few miles down the freeway to find somewhere safe to turn round before they could go back to pick up the spectacles.
All the way back, the husband was the classic waspish, tetchy old man. He cussed and complained during the whole drive, tactlessly criticizing his wife's mistake. The more he ranted, the tetchier he became, not letting up on his incessant whining for a minute.
To the wife's relief, they finally reached the cafe. As the woman zipped out of the car and ran in to get her spectacles, the old guy called to her, "And while you're in there, you may as well get my hat and credit cards!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
NELSON AND HARDY ON THE EVE OF BATTLE.
NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.
HARDY: Aye, aye sir.
NELSON: Just a minute; that is not what I dictated, what is the meaning of this?
HARDY: Sorry sir?
NELSON (reading out loud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'. What gobbledegook is this?
HARDY: It's Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the EU censors, lest it be construed as racist.
NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and my tobacco.
HARDY: I'm sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.
NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
HARDY; The rum ration has been withdrawn, Admiral. It is part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
NELSON: Good heavens Hardy, no rum? I suppose we had better get on with it thenÉ full speed ahead.
HARDY: Um... I think you'll find that there is now a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in naval history! We must advance with all dispatch. Let me have a report from the crow's nest please.
HARDY: That won't be possible, sir.
NELSON: What?!
HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness; and they said that rope ladders do not meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there; not until suitable scaffolding can be erected.
NELSON: Then you must deploy the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
HARDY: Um... that won't be possible either, sir.
NELSON: What! Why not, man?
HARDY: He is busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.
NELSON: Wheelchair access? Humbug! I have never heard anything so absurd!
HARDY: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.
NELSON: Differently-abled? I only have one arm ~
and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't progress to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
HARDY: Er... actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiencies.
NELSON: Good Lord! Whatever next? Give me full sail. The breeze and the salt spray beckon!
HARDY: A couple of problems there also, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew climb the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt Ð haven't you seen the adverts?
NELSON: Bejabbers! I profess I've never heard such garbage! Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
HARDY: It seems the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
NELSON: What? This is mutiny!
HARDY: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of perhaps being charged with murder if they actually, well... kill someone. There's a pair of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
NELSON: Then how are we to sink the French and Spanish aggressors?
HARDY: Er... we're not, sir.
NELSON: We're not?
HARDY: No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our steadfast European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We might get clobbered with a compensation claim.
NELSON: But we detest the Frogs as we detest the devil.
HARDY: Best not let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.
NELSON: Don't you consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King?
HARDY: Not any more, sir. We need to, quote: 'be inclusive in this multicultural age.' Now put on this padded Kevlar vest, please. It's the rules, and could save your life.
NELSON: Don't tell me Ð Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
HARDY: As explained, sir, rum's off the agenda. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
NELSON: And... what about sodomy?
HARDY: I believe that is now legal, sir.
NELSON: In that case: Kiss me, Hardy!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A kindly Mother Superior called the nuns together and said, "I have to announce that we've a case of gonorrhoea in the ~
convent."
"Oh, I thank the Heavens!" said one nun elder to a colleague at the group's rear, "I am so tired of Chardonnay White."
LONG CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I was very unhappy last night and got to thinking about my life - the ruined economy, the wars abroad, the dearth of any jobs, all those bad retirement fund losses, my wife's cheating... you get my drift?
So I phoned the Samaritans.
Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
=
Naturist Scott was sunbathing starkers on the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep 'other' things from getting burned, he'd placed a hat over his manhood.
A woman in a bikini jiggled past and exclaimed sarcastically, "Hey, meathead, if you were any kinda gentleman you'd lift your hat."
Scott smiled and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it'd lift itself."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
MONKTON HALL RESTAURANT.
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends were discussing where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the waiters wore tight pants and had nice bums.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the home-cooked food was very good and the selection of wines was very good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami, mainly because they could dine there in peace and quiet and it had an exceptionally beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the establishment was now wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because they had never been there before.
=
AN ASTUTE DEALER
Several men were in the changing room of a golf club at Fort Lauderdale. Suddenly, a cell-phone on a seat rang and one of the guys engaged the hands-free function and started to chat.
Everyone else in the room paused to listen.
MAN: "Yes?"
WOMAN: "Sweetheart, it's Susie. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at a Lauderdale shopping centre and I have found an utterly beautiful Burberry leather coat. It's only $1,100. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "Yes, sure Susie. Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Really? Gee, thanks sweetie! I also called in at a Mercedes dealership and looked at their new 2010 models. There was a cherry-red sedan there that I really loved."
MAN: "I see. How much is it?"
WOMAN: "$74,600."
MAN: "Yes, let's get it; but for that price I'd require all the added accessories as standard."
WOMAN: "Super! Er... there is one other thing, dear... The house that we were after last year is on the market again. They are asking eight-hundred and fifty-thousand dollars."
MAN: "Well, go ahead and offer them 800K. They'll probably accept that. If they don't reduce, we can easily afford the extra fifty. It is an unusually fair price."
WOMAN: "Great! See you later, sweetheart! I love you so much."
MAN: "'Bye Susie. I love you too."
The man hung up. The other guys in the changing room were staring at him in open-mouthed astonishment... He smiled and said:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
LONG CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
HELEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
Whoopee! All set for the cruise tomorrow! All my elegant gowns, best swimsuits, packed. How exciting!
Our women's Red Hat chapter organised this "girls-only" trip.
It will be my first one. Ooh! Cannot wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Whole day out at sea, beautiful. Spotted whales, dolphins too. Met our Captain - John Houghton. Very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
Red-hot. Lounged around the pool, swum a while, then bumped into Captain Houghton on the upper deck.
He invited me to join him at his table for dinner later. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. John's very handsome.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won £80 in the casino. Captain asked me to take dinner with him in his own cabin. Had yummy meal complete with oysters and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but told him no; I would not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
At loose-end, so lounged around pool, though got sunburned so went for drink in pool-bar. Stayed there all day. John Houghton saw me, bought me several drinks. John's really charming. Once again asked me to spend the night in his cabin, but refused. He told me, if I did not let him have his naughty way with me, he would sink the ship... I was thoroughly shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Three times.
=
DADDY'S PHONE CALL.
Rrriiiiing, rrriiiiing... Rrriiiiing, rriiiiing...
'Hello?'
'Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's in the bedroom with Uncle Alec.'
(After a brief pause)
'... But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Alec.'
'Oh yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now.'
(Brief Pause...)
'Er, okay, this is what I want you to do. Lay the phone down on the table, hurry off upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and call to Mommy that Daddy's car is just coming into the driveway.'
'Yes, okay Daddy, just a minute.'
(A few minutes later...)
'I did as you said, Daddy.'
'And exactly what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and hit her head real hard on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Alec?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on as well. He was really scared, and he jumped straight out of the back window and landed head-first in the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
(A long pause...)
(A longer pause...)
(An even longer pause...)
(Then Daddy says...)
'Swimming pool...? Erm, so... is this 02080 113456?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number...'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness to John Hinckley:
People could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deluded and deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, inside his twisted mind, loved Jodie so much that, to make himself well regarded by her, he decided to assassinate President Reagan. But his attempt failed - the President was wounded but survived.
There is speculation that Hinckley may soon be released, having been considered as rehabilitated. Consequently, you will all appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. N. Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In accordance with our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we wanted you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that extreme mental stress and pain could well have driven you to commit such a desperate act.
We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to rejoin the world as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan and Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, President Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
=
A Key Way to Rearrange Our System.
Easy! Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would enjoy access to showers; hobbies; a walking (or jogging) area and any games they enjoy; they'd have unlimited free dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. They'd learn new work-skills and receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed emergency assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice weekly and their clothing ironed and returned to them as new.
A guard would look in on them by arrangement every twenty minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They'd enjoy family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would enjoy access to a library, a weight room, a pool, humane spiritual counselling and education breaks.
Basic clothing. Shoes, slippers, pyjamas, are free, and any legal aid can be arranged on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard, with gardens.
For entertainment, each senior would have a PC, a TV, a radio, and make daily phone calls.
There would be a Governor and a board of 11 directors, to hear any complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that they must strictly adhere to.
The 'crooks' would get near-cold food, be left alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and a shower once a week. Must live in a tiny room for eternity, and pay $9K per month with no hope of getting out.
Justice for all. Ok?
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'Sensitive' photographs =
'Private' posing shots, eh?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Book of the Dead =
Good-bye and keep to the faith!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife came home, pulled into the driveway, bolted into the house and shouted at the top of her lungs,' Stan, just pack your bags ~ I've won the lottery!'
'Oh my God, Pauleen!' said her no-use husband. 'What do I pack? All beach stuff, I hope!'
'Doesn't matter; just get out.'
LONG CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leroy Williams gets in the line, and when it's his turn, the preacher says: 'Hello, Leroy Williams, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Well, Preacher James, I just want you to pray for my hearing.'
At that, the preacher puts a finger to Leroy's left ear, and places the other hand atop his head. Then he tilts his own head to the Heavens and begins praying with great gusto.
A few moments later, the preacher removes both hands, steps back, bellows, 'Hallelujah!' and asks: 'Well, Leroy Williams - how's that hearing of yours now?'
Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday.'
=
A teacher was talking to her class of six-year-olds about whales.
She insisted it was impossible for whales to swallow humans because, although they are very large, their throats are very small.
One young girl in front, Penny Dwyer, put her hand up to say that poor Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated to Penny that it is physically impossible for whales to swallow humans.
Undeterred, Penny retorted, 'When I get to Heaven I'm gonna ask Mr. Jonah myself.'
'Really, Penny?' responded the teacher. 'So... what if Jonah went to Hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Here's something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The wonder of Salisbury's "Stonehenge" =
Hey, it's renowned for huge stone slabs!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ANNOUNCEMENT: International Alert Levels Raised!
The English are feeling the heat in the wake of recent terrorist threats and, as a safeguard, have now raised the national security level from "Displeased" to "Peeved". Security levels may soon be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in Nineteen-forty, when it looked like tea supplies could run short.
Terrorism has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was back in Fifteen-eighty-eight, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have also raised their level from "Pissed Off" to "So, let's go and get those Bastards". They do not have any more levels. This is the reason those war-waging Scots have been used on the British army's front line for the last three-hundred years.
The French government announced today that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". This unusual rise was precipitated by a recent fire in France that wrecked a major white flag factory and has effectively paralysed all the country's military capabilities.
Italy has also increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".~
There are two levels left: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their state of terrorist alert from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor's Territory" and "Lose".
The Belgians aren't bothered as they're all on holiday. The only itty-bitty threat they find to worry about is that of NATO pulling out of Brussels soon.
The Spanish are excited to see their latest submarines ready to be deployed. These nifty, perfectly designed submarines have glass bottoms fitted so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
In the meantime, the Americans are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on their friends "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels from "baa" to "BAA!" Due to their current stiff reductions in defence spending, New Zealand has only one further level of alert, which is: "I hope Australia will come to our rescue".
Australia has raised its security alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three other escalation levels remain. They are: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and, thirdly, "The barbie is cancelled".
So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the third escalation level.
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