Anagrammy Winners by Allan Morley

All the winning anagrams by Allan Morley from the Anagrammy Awards.

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Allan Morley with:
A skeleton in the cupboard =
Bones are locked up in that.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Dear Friend,

If you have been searching for a 100% GUARANTEED and Risk Free way to lose your unwanted inches, this is going to be the most exciting message you have ever received!

Read on...

THE REALITY OF FAT LOSS

Diets are weakening and not fun. Drugs are dangerous. Strenuous exercise could strain your heart or injure you. Now, for the first time ever, there is a PROVEN way to lose unwanted inches INSTANTLY.

Our FREE, NO-OBLIGATION REPORT will show you how:

PEOPLE HAVE LOST 2 to 14 INCHES OF FAT INSTANTLY

Let me say it again, people have LOST between 2 and 14 inches of FAT instantly and it is permanent inch loss. Can you believe that? Please read those numbers again, they are NOT typos.

=

You do not need to starve, spew, exercise, swallow medicine or anything else to be thinner! Just find a chainsaw and LOSE WEIGHT NOW THROUGH HOME SURGERY!

* Sever the fingers, toes, nose, ears, behind, feet, even an entire arm!
* Take a nice pair of pliers then tear out your teeth!
* Give blood! Donate one kidney, one lung, one cornea, one liver, anything you have two of.
* Urinate! Fart!
* Shave your hairy eyebrows, head, armpits, legs, ass and nuts!
* Sever those genitals! It's not as if you ever get any, fatso.

Absolutely failsafe! Watch the extra pounds drop off - LITERALLY!!!

***SPECIAL OFFER!!!*** Slice out your brain, spine, heart, guts and testicles and we can turn you into another inane, idiotic spammer!!!

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
2nd - Allan Morley with:
Intimates by D.H. Lawrence

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - Allan Morley with:
No man is an island

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Allan Morley with:
The democratic process =
Crap choice deters most.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Death of a Whale [version 1]

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Allan Morley with:
[A Nostradamus quatrain supposedly predicting September 11.]

Cinq & quarante degrez ciel bruslera
Feu approcher de la grand cite neuue
Instant grand flamme esparse sautera
Quand on voudra des Normans faire preuue.
=
A tense, unseen quarrel of Asia shall come up:
Dual quarters are ruptured, razed in fire;
Abundant fear & deceased men prompt
A crusader avenging, conquering.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Allan Morley with:
Conspiracy theorist =
Psychotic, or nastier...

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2002:
eq.1st - Allan Morley with:
The Death Star =
See that, Darth?

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Are YOU PREPARED for a TERRORIST ATTACK?

Then you need the BioChem Survival Manual

What can you do?
Who can you turn to?
Do you know the measures to take to protect you and your family?
If you do not know, you are not alone!

The BioChem Survival Manual Has the answers that you will want and will need to protect, you and those you care about!

The Survival Manual contains information taken directly from the Military's Nuclear Biological Chemical Training Manual, THE Manual used to teach military personnel how to prepare, prevent, identify, protect against and survive an attack.

Developed by BioChem Survival Systems and containing information you can understand in non-military terminology.

Only $24.95 + S&H

Call 113-6780

=

COULD YOU SURVIVE A SPAM ATTACK?

Unwanted and uninvited electronic circulars are not only very wearisome, monotonous, often hideous, inane and highly annoying, but commonly overload and ruin your computer. Thus, you need the SPAM SURVIVAL MANUAL!

1. Take a note of each annoying violation.
2. Attempt to ask each ISP to kindly inactivate each weak-minded, unmannerly irritant's account.
3. Note the total futility of the above.
4. Phone your attorney.
5. Sulk.
6. Wildly throw random articles across the room.
7. Cut up your computer's modem or cable.
8. Wantonly shatter your monitor with a hatchet, or a small cannon if available.
9. Last, annihilate your hard drive by playing frisbee with it.
10. You are now totally SPAM FREE, guaranteed!

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Allan Morley with:
From the Irish, by Ian Duhig

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Allan Morley with:
A wet T-shirt contest =
We contrast the tits.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Allan Morley with:
There is no God but Allah =
The tough old Arabs' line.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Sliding Blade PowerTooth™ Pruning Saw with Belt Clip
by FISKARS®

The Sliding Blade PowerTooth™ Saw by FISKARS® has a 6" Stainless Steel blade featuring a patented triple angle tooth design to plane away wood faster than ordinary designs. The Quick Release push button lock ensures safety from accidental closure during operation of the saw.

Made in Finland, assembled in the USA, this saw comes with a handy belt clip and a lifetime guarantee.

CLICK HERE to order your Sliding Blade PowerTooth™ Pruning Saw by FISKARS® Today!

=

At last, a spam with real worth and appeal! I could do with one of those things, thanks. Partially because my dern garden grows wild and free in the time I take deleting all the needless, crass and nonsensical spam I get forwarded so incessantly, but largely because right now I feel like snipping important (if meager) soft and fleshy appendages off your body. I don't need to draw you a diagram.

So CLICK HERE if you wanna be Bobbitted quick smart with this sleek, robust, serrated saw. Or perhaps blunt scissors.

It won't hurt a bit. It'll hurt a LOT.

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Allan Morley with:
Practise what you preach =
Chap was a true hypocrite.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
You are Loved

I want you to know that there is someone who loves you very much. That's important to know in the "dog eat dog world" in which we live. We spend our lives trying to earn love and respect and somehow we never seem to "measure up". It's wonderful to be loved without reservation, without having to earn it. We are loved, not because we are good, not because we have lived up to expectations, and not because we've tried to live a good life, but we are loved just like we are... faults and all. God has put a high value on our lives in that He gave His son to die on a cross to pay the penalty for all our sins. He has a very high purpose for yor life!

After 42 years of struggling with the meaning of life and what the purpose of my life should be, I met a man named Jesus and He changed my life. It has been wonderful to be loved unconditionally and to finally realize the meaning of life itself. I'm writing you to share this love and to let you know that you are a very special person in the sight of God. He only wants good for you and wants to help you in all of your trials.

=

You are Hated, Unlovely Spammer

I want you to know that there is someone who hates you very much. Very, very much. In fact, I'd judge that a whole lot of people would find these unsolicited words less of an invitation to salvation, and more of a potential reason to organize harsh, ungodly deeds that involve gleefully flogging your obese anal end and misshapen thighs with a huge wooden club.

Don't get me wrong, it's not your views I have a problem with - I've been a faithful and devout follower of Jesus my whole life. However, to invade and pollute inboxes with ANY unsolicited view, good or bad, is altogether inconsiderate, wearisome, often repulsive and villainous. Even televangelists wouldn't stoop so low.

Anyway, it defeats the purpose altogether. In essence, your futile digital entreaties are far more likely to turn secular people further away from God than vice versa, which as a believer I take offense at. Now frankly, I hope you have the opportunity to go and see God sooner rather than later - though I somewhat doubt He'd want you now.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask) =
Wise textbook does analyse every awkward thing about a fun way to rut.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Vegetarian meals =
Never get a salami.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
A Penthouse centerfold =
Cunt of one stapled here.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
Cigarette addiction =
I did it to get a cancer.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2003:
1st - Allan Morley with:
The Apple Macintosh =
I plan to shame the PC.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Allan Morley with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
A spire of note, with angle.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Allan Morley with:
Valentine amulets =
Sentimental value.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Allan Morley with:
What A Wonderful World, antigrammed

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Allan Morley with:
The Twelve Days of Christmas

 

Table of All-Time Winners


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