Anagrammy Winners by David Bourke

Anagrammy Awards » Winners » Winners by David Bourke

All the winning anagrams by David Bourke from the Anagrammy Awards.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Diana, The Princess Of Wales

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band =
Crap LP sung by the LSD-prone Beatles.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Elvis Aaron Presley =
Seen alive? Sorry, pal!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Houses Of Parliament =
Top man here's a foul shite.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
[A group of George Michael themed anagrams.]

"No Y-fronts? Let's shag rectum!"
= Songs From The Last Century

A hairy gay Greek go-go musician. (Police sore too!)
= Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (George Michael)

Up in Rio, to goose a gay
= Georgios Panayiotou

Gay ring glee: 'Wham!' idol career ended
= George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley

I'm Harrow sex-menace... giggle, eh?
= Ex-'Wham!' singer George Michael

G.M. led cop in, let penetrate asshole!
= The Los Angeles Police Department

Who, me? I'll stalk, rim, roger, rape!
Or: "I'll arrest limp 'Wham!' greeko!"
= The Will Rogers Memorial Park

A cop lubricant
= Club Tropicana

A Public W.C. marathon
= 'Club Tropicana' - Wham!

Wowee! A gay Greek homo bum-pouf
= 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go' - Wham!

I help screw arses
= Careless Whisper

God! I want that fairy!
= Waiting For That Day

Gay News thrives, then?
= Everything She Wants

Get fairy in romp
Merry? Not if a pig!
Er, fit in gay romp
= Praying For Time

Fag fruit here
= Father Figure

SOS! Lewd gay can nob!
= Cowboys And Angels

Anal-sediment legend
= Ladies And Gentlemen

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Leonardo DiCaprio =
Ocean idol, or a drip?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Madonna Louise Ciccone =
One cool dance musician.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, April 2000:
David Bourke with:
THE BALLAD OF READING GAOL

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2000:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
HOW MANY RICHARD GRANTHAMS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
NONE. (BUT LIT THE AWARDS CHART! HAIL THE BIG SHOCK ANAGRAMMY GOD!)

HOW MANY JON GEARHARTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
DO JUST GET ONE RHYME KING (WHO CAN BOAST/BRAG A LITTLE - HA HA!)

HOW MANY LARRY BRASH'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"G'DAY ALL! IT'S ONE!" - MR. L.B. (BY THE BUSH - WATCH THE KANGAROOS AIR).

HOW MANY WILLIAM TUNSTALL-PEDOES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
BE ALIGHT? AH WELL, AT MOST, IT WILL TAKE ONLY ONE SUCH MAD, BAD, TOP GENIUS.

HOW MANY JANETS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
AH, JUST BE TWO - BOTH LADIES CAN LET GO, MAKE ANY NIGHT!

HOW MANY MIKE KEITHS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"I BET ON HIGH, BUT DO I KNOW MATHEMATICALLY?" ASKS THE GEEK.

HOW MANY WHITNEY COHENS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"CHANGE, EH? WHY, GLAD TO (THAT'S THIS ONCE), BUT I'M ONLY A NEWBIE, OK!"

HOW MANY MICK TULLY'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
ONE, MAYBE? (A DUMB HUNCH) - GO ASK THAT LOWLY SICK LITTLE GIT.

HOW MANY DANIEL F. ETTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
BUT WHY? IN FACT, HE DOES NOT NEED TO A BIT. (EG: ALL A MAKER'S LIGHT)

HOW MANY MEYRAN KRAUS'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
ASK D.B. - "ONLY ONE ISRAELI (BUT OY, WHAT A GEM! MUCH GREAT THANKS!)"

HOW MANY RICHARD BRODIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
WHY, ABOUT ONE. O HARK! BIBLE SAID "CHRIST, MAN! GOD CREATED LIGHT!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Want cleaner bowels? =
Newcastle Brown Ale.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The menstrual cycle =
"My cunt creates hell!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Traveling Wilburys: Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne and Roy Orbison =
An angry Jew / the Beatle / blond boy / sorry prat in ELO / stiff guy... in short, very boring old men.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Ten Commandments

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Romance Coupons.com - is the place for fresh ideas that put the variety back into your relationship - announced new Christmas & Kwanzaa Romance Coupons. Check them out at:

http://www.romancecoupons.com

=

No chance to score? NoMates.com is THE site for a noncy chap without a fuck. Cripes! Horror! Ain't that a shame? (Plus not very nice). Come on up, wanker, and unzip the old chap!

Cock up & masturbate!

www.NoMates.com

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Now, I don't want you to think I expect acknowledgements for all of my posts, but I've posted what I consider to be some strong anagrams during this month and have received very few comments. Take this last week for example. My newsreader shows I posted 28 anagrams (some of which I *really* like) since, and including, December 16th (and not including this one, of course) and yet there have only been 3 responses. Since I've experienced connection troubles with my ISP during the earlier part of this month (mostly email problems with several emails lost to the ether) and since I've been using a new, for-pay newsgroup server this last month, I'm wondering if all that I send is actually getting to the newsgroup. If so, well then, I guess I'm just over-estimating the "brilliance" of my work and so be it. But I'd hate to think I'm doing all this typing and that not everyone is seeing them.

So, could a maybe 3 or 4 of you (no need for the whole group to respond), assuming that you can even see this message, please do an experiment for me? If you have Outlook Express as your newsreader, or if you know how to do this in whatever newsreader you have, please select Edit/Find from the menu bar and type in Rick Rothstein into the "From" box (alt.anagrams should already be in the "Look in" box), click the check mark box in the "Received after" box and select 12/1/00 for the date on the calendar that pops up. Finally, press the "Find Now" button. In the status bar at the bottom of the window, does it say "113 message(s) . . ."? If so, then all my messages are getting through and I'll have to work harder to perfect my anagrams. If not, then I need to contact ?someone? to report the problem. Either way, I'd like to know.

Thank you and a Happy Holiday to all,

Rick

=

Hey, now I don't want you to think I'd expect all my net purchases to land on the mat, but this month I have ordered online (indeed, paid for on my American Express card): 6 gerbils, 3 hamsters, 1 tube of KY Jelly, 3 gross of cardboard toilet-tubes, the Lifetime Membership of the Richard Gere Appreciation Society, a vacuum cleaner, a shoehorn, a donkey, a llama, 12 leather whips, some stirrups, 14 pairs of crotchless pants, 10 pairs of Latex examination gloves, 28m of electric flex, a tub of chocolate body paint, new sheets, some Swarfega industrial hand cleaner, 10-denier fishnet stockings, a sexy negligee, Y-Fronts (furry-lined inside), a kilt, new felt merkin, the complete set of Baywatch videos, some Viagra, 3 boxes of shiny wet-look lipstick, new teeth, eye shadow, some nail varnish, meths, a nipple-piercing kit, The Toe-Sucking Handbook, a 'King Dong' heavy-duty twin-ended monster vibrator, a pound of sliced liver, the Tina Turner 'Nutbush' wig (with dayglo-tinted extensions), some new white stilettoes, 'Men! Men! Men! - The Complete Nude Photographic Works Of Robert Mapplethorpe', the new Village People's Greatest Hit Songs boxed-set Anthology, then the new-out hot 'Divine Naked!' video, a bottle of amyl-nitrate, the 'Diana' colonic irrigation kit, a set of seven hypodermic needles, the new 'Dominant S-and-M Bondage For Gents (Beginners)' book, a toothbrush, some 'Minty Menthol' mouthwash, some semen-stain remover, (ditto, shite), and then a copy of the Anagram Genius Windows software. Now thus far, it seems, only the Anagram Genius has actually arrived. I would therefore advise that you only order goods on the Internet from known, trustworthy, reputable sources.

Thank you, you sweet little honeys! Love,
Rick.
Mwah!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
'Twas the night before Christmas

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Decomposing Composers

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
When you access the Internet, your computer keeps permanent hidden records of your activities!

Evidence Eliminator allowed me to see exactly whats on my PC's hard drive. Needless to say I was shocked at what I found. Files I shredded months earlier were clearly visible using this software.

If you take your computer in for repair, what will they find? Think about it !

You really do need.............Evidence Eliminator.
http://www.evidence-eliminator.com/go.shtml?A653704
kkqikhyvovjsyueindfgovbmeittecthcdkmqhshejyklpucyqfwbge

=

Dear fellow depraved sick perverts,

When I took my computer in my local PC World, they found exactly 653,704 dirty pictures of sweet babies downloaded free from www.nakedchildren.net on my hard drive, and they very quickly contacted the police. Why, I just wish I'd had Evidence-Eliminator software then! Sheer sheer shame! I'm finished, totally finished, career-wise! So if you wanna be in my gang, then you keep our sick, sick activities quite quite secret, OK? Just think about that lesson, hmmm?

- Gary Glitter

PS: I love you love me love!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed be the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
=
Praise Allah, for he, not Christ, is god,
Offer thyself to Mohammed, the grand holy man.
If we anger, burdened at the hour of need,
May we use just words, not bombs,
Shout for Islam - truly, the honourable way.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Dear friend,

Would you like to receive every morning Italian news directly in your mailbox, ABSOLUTELY FREE? If you are an Italian abroad, or descending from Italian(s), or if you like Italy or if you want to travel in Italy you can see, in this way, what's happening in your liked country and feel nearer to it. If you like that, it is enough you click here newsitaly@terra.es and confirm your email address.
We offer also other services, all free, that you can see in our web pages. You can always unsubscribe simply sending us an empty email with object "unsubscribe". We safeguard your privacy (see our "privacy statement") and this is the ONE email you'll receive from us if you don't want our services.
This message is being sent to you in compliance with the proposed Federal legislation for commercial e-mail (S.1618 - SECTION 301).
"Pursuant to Section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(C) of S. 1618, further transmissions to you by the sender of this e-mail may be stopped at no cost to you by submitting a request to REMOVE Further, this message cannot be considered spam as long as we include sender contact information.
Italy-news staff.

Estimado amigo: Estaría usted interesado en recibir Noticias de Italia cada mañana, directamente en su correo electrónico ABSOLUTAMENTE GRATIS? Si usted es un italiano viviendo en el extranjero, o descendiente de italianos, y le gustaría saber que está pasando diariamente en su país, y sentirse más cerca de él... todo lo que necesita hacer click aquí: newsitaly@terra.es y confirmar su email address.
Usted puede asimismo cuando lo desee retirar su suscripción simplemente enviandonos un e-mail en blando con el siguiente mensaje: "unsubscribe". Garantizamos su privacidad (vea nuestro "privacy statement") y este es el único e-mail que usted recibirá de nosotros si usted no desea suscribirse a nuestros servicios.
Este mensaje se está enviando usted en conformidad con la legislación federal propuesta para el E-mail comercial (S.1618 - SECCIÓN 301). conforme sección 301, párrafo (a)(2)(C) s. 1618, futuro transmisión usted por remitente este E-mail poder ser parar en ninguno coste usted por someter uno petición para QUITAR más lejos, este mensaje poder no ser considerar Spam tan de largo a medida que nosotros incluir remitente contacto información. Staff de Italy News)

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Dear greasy eye-tie wop cunts,

Mama mia! You rest assured, next time I see a need of 1138666 miles of festering spaghetti, 1112300 tons of ravioli, 116120 tons of 'al dente' penne pasta, 138188 tons of parmesan cheese, rancid diseased prosciutto, macaroni fumes, crumbly panettone, a sickly sweet tutti-frutti ice cream, obscenely fat-arsed tenors in inane poncy tuneless operas, Joe Dolce's 'Shaddapa Your Face', 'Que Sera Sera', a severed horse's head on my pillow, tanks with 1 forward and 30 reverse gears, white flags, ceaseless political corruption, seedy bent police, insane suicidal maniacs out in rusty Fiats or on weeny toy Lambretta and Vespa street scooters, Dario Fo, Andrea Bocelli, Benito 'Il Duce' Mussolini, Serie-A footie teams in San Siro, Sophia Loren, Carlo Ponti, Giancarlo Fisichella, tasteless United Colors of Benetton advertisements, I Scuderia Ferrari Maranello F1 tifosi, senselessly fast 'Testarossa' dick-replacements, Pininfarina, lop-sided monuments @ Pisa, ruined stadiums @ Rome, Etna, armless indecent nude statues, weedy reedy Bontempi organs, lute tunes, Julius Caesar (a cruel murderer), Nero (just a tyrant), Romano Prodi, Massimo Troisi, an Olivetti typewriter, E.U. Commissioner Emma Bonino, money-grabbing gondoliers in Venice (an insanitary true sewer), Caneletto, RAI, Greta Scacchi, Andrea de Cesaris, Cicciolina's quite grotesque tits, Casanova, Versace, Armani, Fiorucci, Alberto 'La Bomba' Tomba, Deborah Compagnoni, La Giaconda, Jarno Trulli, Alfa Romeo, Ducati, Maserati, La Mille Miglia, Riccardo Patrese, Zucchero, Adriano Celentano, Lucio Battisti, Vasco Rossi, duo Alessi, Pinot Grigio, Topo Gigio (a funny squeaky wee cute furry rodent), Peroni beer, Chianti, Martini, Marconi, Rossini, Puccini, Verdi, Monteverdi, Vespucci, Columbus, Dante's Inferno, Leonardo da Vinci's quite demented nonsense ideas, Vivaldi's unendurable fiddle tunes, Michaelangelo's so amateur ceiling cartoons, and any more useless unwanted true crap you create, fear not... see, I'll surrender at once... er, I mean let you know.
By the way, just a question: I am indeed sure you know just why your Italy is in a boot-shape, don't you?
- Easy! Because you see, my fine misty-eyed friends, it seems you'd never get quite as much pure shite out of a tiny shoe. Tee hee! Yes sirree! Now, if you'd excuse me please, I must run... ciao!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Mambo No 5 - Lou Bega

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED TIME OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!

The Nude Britney Site! - As seen and heard on the Howard Stern Show.
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com

Watch Britney dance topless on stage while partying with friends at a New York Night Club!

See Unbelievable Shocking early modeling shots thought to of been destroyed, photos and home videos of Britney Spears.

No way is she a virgin! Check out her infamous nipple slip video!

See her forbidden tits upclose and personal! They're real!
We have gone to great lengths to bring you the hottest content possible!
Stolen, blackmarket, candid, up skirt, nipple slip, xxx home videos, and more of Britney Spears and all your favorite celebrities are our specialty. We pay out over $100,000 a month just to photographers to provide us with the freshest content of the sexiest celebrities on the net. Don't miss out on this special FREE offer! Get your FREE membership now! Don't wait another second Britney is waiting!!!!

Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com

THIS FREE OFFER IS VALID FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY.

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!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!

The Ann Widdecombe Naked Virgin Site!
Seen on BBC News At Ten!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com

She was offered (at a pretty conservative estimate) $100,000 to keep herself covered up, to no avail!

- Watch her topless at the Tory Party Conference!
(She's possibly got her knockers, but she's OK!)

- See her in her top five hot sexy X-rated new horror videos!:

'Something Of The Night' (starring Michael Howard)
'Shriller'
'Pent-Up Widdecombe's Erection Night Fever'
'Doris Karloff Stops To Show Off Her Unspoiled Kent'
'The Gargantuan Gargoyle Of Westminster'

- Just see her pretty crooked teeth biting into poor Michael Portillo!

- Be bossed about, lectured-to on 'values', patronised (potty opinions on dope), then play-whipped into submission by her, in the virtual-reality 'Monster Of Maidstone' game!

- Buy the 'Auntie Annie' shiny pudding-bowl hairpiece!

Yes, yes, yes! Don't wait another second... Ann's still waiting!!!!

Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com

(PS: THIS FREE OFFER IS FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY).

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Christian values =
Real chauvinists.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Lord's Prayer

 

 

SPAM CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Your Dating Life Might Be Great Right Now,
But What If It Could Be Even Better?!

Dating secrets you might NEVER discover can be yours Instantly!

Check Out Our Best Selling Title: How To Meet & Win With Women

- Myths: Facts and fiction about dating women.
- Dating: The secrets you'll need to be successful.
- Creative places for finding the women of your dreams.
- How to pick up Women.
- Do's and Don'ts: What you should say and what not!
- Pick up lines that Actually Work!
- Conversations:
  How to start, keep, and end them, plus memory techniques.
- Confidence boosting techniques that guarantee success.
- Personality types:
  Numerous personality types and how to choose which is right for you.
- Body language:
  How to interpret posture, facial expressions, signals, and touching.
- Personal Ads: Do they really work?
- Making friends:
  Finding great friends, where to meet them, and making friendships last.
- The facts about dating friends, co-workers, and older women.
- Learn the little known secrets for getting a woman to ask you out.
- Secrets to win and keep a woman's heart
- How to treat her right, gain her trust, and romance her.

Over 250 pages! Much much MORE!

If this book does not greatly increase your Dating Life, return the book in original condition within 30 days for a refund.

=

Dear Sirs,

I'm writing to complain about your book 'How To Meet & Win With Women'. I purchased with good faith, thinking that, a grown man aged 53, it was time I lost my virginity. Having read the book cover to cover the other night, I gradually built up the confidence to ask my cousin Noreen out to see a showing of the film 'Bean', but the evening was a complete and utter disaster. We went in McDonalds for dinner, but she flounced outside the restaurant in a strop. (Women, eh? Bonkers! Such fussy, surly whingers!)

Now, quite appreciating that my opening gambit "Any chance of a fuck, then?" was perhaps a little forward in the circumstances, I resolved to be more circumspect next time.

As for the following sorry occasion, I asked Gwen (the lady in the shops downstairs) on a day off to see Spurs playing at Queen's Park Rangers, but no score, no shags - she took the tickets at once, and went with Noreen instead, the greedy, stingy, rude little cow.

A right wrong 'un!

I regret I'm now at least 200 pounds out of pocket, trying hard, but get no success, angry, still unfulfilled, can't afford to pay my dear old mother her weekly rent, and want total refunds of the useless book and for the one unused cinema ticket. (Enclosed.)

Sorry things had to come to this.

Yours sincerely,

M. Goddard.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry, luv! I just didn't see yer. Are yer OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfing is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh my God! NAAAH!" she screams.
"Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an' all!!!"
=
This here so-called joke is, it seems, just typical of the rude, sexist, misogynist sheer rubbish the female half of Essex county have had to endure. Not even remotely amusing, it mocks, I see, the average Sharon and Tracy as frilly flirts, very easy lays, tarts, dim hussies on Page 3, gagging fevered harlots (should that be 'Harlows'?), and whores going round screwing with anyone and anything in trousers. Men that rehash this view here are surely morons!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Bourke's Parakeet Facts

The Bourke's Parakeet is thought by many to be one of the most beautiful of all parakeets, dressed as it is in shades of sunset pink and vivid iridescent blues. As one of the grass parakeets of Australia, it is a favourite of many who keep birds. They do best when given some room to fly, rather than being kept in a smaller cage. I have more than once heard their keepers liken them to an over-sized butterfly, and this is a very good description of the way they fly - they flit and bounce in the air in a very similar manner to butterflies, and are a pleasure to watch, with their sweet voices and playfulness. They are quiet, mellow little birds during the middle of the day, but dawn and dusk is another story. Dusk is the magic time for a Bourke's parakeet; they come fully into their element then, seeming to blend into partial invisibility in the uncertain light. Be careful if you plan on having several species share an aviary, and want to include the beautiful Bourke's parakeet - when other species are already roosting for the night, the Bourkies will be at their most active. For example, I had a friend whose Bourkies thought it a great game to knock roosting finches from their perch, like a row of bowling pins! Unlike many birds, the Bourke's big eyes are adapted to allow them to see clearly at dawn and dusk. They have a very playful, boisterous attitude at these times, and they have been known to tease other species sharing a flight with them, who have trouble seeing at all so close to full dark, much less enough to defend themselves. One advantage to keeping Bourkies, is that you always know the gender of your birds, with the exception of some of the rarer colour mutations, like the Rose and the Pink. In all the other Bourke's parakeets, the male will have a vivid blue eyebrow - as soon as you see this distinctive marking, you can be sure that you are looking at a male. Like all the other Grass parakeets, Bourkies do very well on a diet of Soak Seed and Nestling Food, under which regime they seem to breed and feed reliably. They will use a nestbox, but do seem to do better with an open-topped narrow pyramidal design, rather than the usual closed rectangular shape more commonly seen.

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David Bourke Facts

The David Bourke (gramcheckerius onesadanorakgeekius), a feared type of Hairy Bush Parakeet, usual habitat Rochester, Kent, U.K., is thought by some to be one of the most deeply repugnant, foul-mouthed, and highly offensive of all sad lowlifes that post on the Internet to Alt.Anagrams.

Not to be confused with its more attractive Australian Rules footballer namesake, it has a pinkish-white hue, is skinny, with dark brown silky plumage, bleary little bloodshot pale blue beady weasel eyes, and a distinctive prominent hook-shaped beak.

Completely nocturnal (to the severe irritation of its one breeding partner, the Shrew-Faced Little Blue Sea Shrike), the David Bourke is flightless, transfixed by its reflection in a computer monitor, composing anagrams that are occasionally moderately amusing, but more often, puerile and tiresome, weakened with, on the whole (heh heh!) regular reliance on the 'C' word, foul abuse, and sheer narrow-minded homophobic toilet humour.

The David Bourke is a vegetarian - the diet is thought to consist entirely of pine kernels, millet-meal, kola-nut, seakale, algae, beans, honey, wheat, berries, beetroot, leek, cheese sandwiches, and huge quantities of Stella Artois beer. Virtually impossible, it seems, to house-train, the David Bourke is happiest wallowing around, heavily camouflaged, indeed unbothered by, its stinking filth. Seeking to keep happily to itself, it ventures out of its cage every two weeks between the high months of every March/October to watch a Formula One Grand Prix.

Shy, sneaky, not noted for speech, the David Bourke has only sometimes been known to talk freely. Too risky as a family home pet, easy to anger, it bites when provoked, so is better taken out, shaken-up, and shot. (Or, at the very least, neutered, tied-up and flung in a zoo).

Every winter, the David Bourke hibernates. A keen bass guitarist (so it says), the David Bourke has a penchant for spewing music-related anagrams (well, it is a relative of the Dartford Warbler) and extremely dirty nursery rhymes.

A winner, I see, of several 'Anagrammies', (Hey, what the hell are they?), the David Bourke is, I guess, with a hugely sly nature, perfectly adapted to a free, easy highlife of inactive sloth.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Durex contraceptives =
Cervix/anus protected.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The USA and Britain ~
unite and hit Arabs.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Drinking to excess =
Dick resting, no sex.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The terrorist Osama Bin Laden =
Arab monster is no idle threat.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2001:
eq.1st - David Bourke with:
GODDARD MEMORIAL TRAIL TO BE DEDICATED JUNE 6

The Maurice Goddard Memorial Trail will be dedicated at 10 a.m. June 6 at the Camp Hill Borough Hall in Cumberland County. The four-mile walking and biking trail in Camp Hill Borough is being named for Goddard, a resident of Camp Hill, who was the first secretary of the state's Department of Forests and Waters. Goddard died in 1995 in a fire at his home. Speakers will include Caren Glotfelty, who holds the Maurice Goddard Chair in Forestry and Conservation at Penn State University; William Forrey, past director of the Bureau of Forestry; and Ernest Morrison, an author who is writing a biography of Goddard.

The trail begins at the Conodogoinuit Creek in Seibert Park, passes through the Camp Hill Bypass tunnel and travels south to Fiala Park.

For more information, contact Tom Sexton, Rails-to-Trails Conservancy, at 717 238-1717.

=

THE 'GOLDEN MO' AWARD

The first 'Maurice Goddard Award For Highly Mediocre Poetic Anagramming' shall be presented about June 19th. The winner receives a fabulous expenses-almost-paid, totally-action-filled trip to Molde to, in fact, meet, also touch, the good man too! Sort of. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

A choice 21 candidates for champion are:

Wayne 'Doofus' Baisley
David Bourke
Janet Burholt
Larry Brash
Don/Dan Fortier
Linda Garrett
Richard Grantham
David A. Green
Ernesto Guiraldes
Adrian Hickford
Mey Kraus
Lardy Girl
Tom Myers
Walter Newboldt
Martin Rand
Len Richards
Rick Rothstein
Spurs Kevin
Mick 'Irish' Tully
Sir William Tunstall-Pedoe

For a hint about how to tie... er... win it, catch me at 01695-778177 or toss off an e-mail to mgoddard@frisurf.no, stating in it if a boy or a girl, height, chest/bust profile, inside leg, etc.

I shall find a winner, to be announced Dec 31st.

Got that, dear?

Mo

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Affirmation by Savage Garden

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
A wet snatch... ~
what a scent!

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2002:
1st - David Bourke with:
Microsoft ScanDisk

Because Windows was not properly shut down, one or more of your disk drives may have errors on it.

To avoid seeing this message again, always shut down your computer by selecting Shut Down from the Start menu.

ScanDisk is now checking drive C for errors:

=

Dear Mr Gates,

Thanks for being such a patronising twat. Seems the overlooked true reason ScanDisk's always used is your firm's 'Microsoft Windows' crashing, not viruses or that I don't even know how to close down my PC, you very-rich, moronic four-eyed scum pissbag weirdo nerd!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Here's some lesser-known World Records:

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Steve J Francis of Bexleyheath, England managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

=

SMALLEST BRAIN
The smallest one found is that of George W. Bush of Texas, USA, at around the size of a pea.

MOST MEN SLEPT WITH
1st: Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, with 18,972 over 29 years.
2nd: Farrokh Bulsara of Zanzibar (Freddie Mercury, Queen) with 17,281.
3rd: Zsa-Zsa Gabor (14,247).
(THE MOST WOMEN: A toss-up between k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge.)

WIDEST BACKSIDE
A most ample arse can be found on Jennifer Lopez, with a nude width of 44.2 inches.

HUGEST NOSE
Barry Manilow at a fine 12 inches.

FUNNIEST EARS
Charles Windsor.

MOST TEDIOUS
Steve 'Interesting' Davis of Romford, UK.

MOST IRRITATING VOICE
David Beckham.

TINIEST BIT OF CUTIE-PIE FLUFF
Kylie Minogue.

DULLEST ACCENT
Nigel Mansell.

WORST-DRESSED
John McCririck (a horse-racing commentator).

WORST FATHER
Michael Jackson of Neverland.

MOST FULL-OF-SHIT
David Icke.

MOST RIDICULOUS MULLET
Michael Bolton.

LEAST FUNNY 'COMEDY ACT'
1st: Jim Davidson
2nd: Hale and Pace

MOST PATHETIC POP 'SINGER'
Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham.

MOST UNFORTUNATE NAME OF COCKNEY RHYMING-SLANG
Emma Freud

MOST FATUOUS TOAD
Tony Blair

LEAST HONEST
Jeffery Archer

BIGGEST EGO
Belongs to Dave Lee Roth of Pasadena. (A vocalist of 'Van Halen'.) It is, indeed, larger than Pasadena.

MOST VAIN, LIMP-WRISTED, FEMININE, SHIRTLIFTING NAFF OLD POUF
A tie: Graham Norton / Dale Winton

LOUDEST BAND
Spinal Tap. ("They go up to 11.")

HIGHEST GONADS
Jimi Somerville

LONGEST CRIMINAL RECORD
'Pictures At An Exhibition' (Emerson Lake and Palmer)

OLDEST BACHELOR
Cliff Richard (82)

FASTEST-FADED-AWAY DUFF POP DIVA
Mariah Carey (32)

TOUGHEST OLD TROUT
Dolly Parton

CHEAPEST WHORE
Divine Brown - from just 99 cents (around 71 and a half pence) for half an hour.

SILLIEST ACCIDENT WHEN SURFING
Pete Townshend of The Who. (Not only deaf...now dumb and blind too).

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Friendly Letter E

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Night Before Christmas

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Borderline case =
Reconsiderable.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Used condoms =
So cum-sodden.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
"What To Do When Someone Dies: A Legal, Financial and Practical Guide" by Milton Berry Scott
=
A: Bury corpse.
B: Scan will.
C: Find a solicitor.
D: Negotiate all money.
E: Get that new diamond! Ha!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'Underneath The Arches' - Flanagan and Allen

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Baghdad, the capital of Iraq =
Big patch of Al-Qaida hatred.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Scarlet women ~
screw men a lot.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The biography of George W. Bush from the White House website.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Meal for one ~
for me, alone.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
Pure animal lust =
Natural impulse.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
That is *a* way...another's ammo through his chest!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The RSPCA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) =
If (in error) a vile person flattens your cat Sooty, they help to catch 'em!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
[A "two-dimensional" anagram using all the (non-blank) Scrabble® tiles on a Scrabble® board, making a sentence as you follow the words from top-left to bottom-right.]

AAAAAAAAA BB CC DDDD EEEEEEEEEEEE FF GGG
HH IIIIIIIII J K LLLL MM NNNNNN OOOOOOOO
PP Q RRRRRR SSSS TTTTTT UUUU VV WW X YY Z

=



(Opinion: Our square Scrabble boards are extreme,
too-crazed game places steady and tedious halfwits, we
all have, via fine fun, enjoying win with the ego OK).

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that
I will faithfully execute the office of President
of the United States and will, to the best of my
ability, preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States
=
I, Tony Blair, swear I will ignore the wishes of
the electorate, veto, not listen, feed the media
tittle-tattle/hype, suck up to Bush, fix-up student
fees, defeat the lefties, and stuff Gordon Brown.
Democracy? Totally finished!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A domestic housecat =
Does it catch a mouse?

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
"I think I did something for the worst possible reason
- just because I could. I think that's the most, just
about the most morally indefensible reason that anybody
could have for doing anything. When you do something
just because you could. I've thought about it a lot.
And there are lots of more sophisticated explanations,
more complicated psychological explanations. But none
of them are an excuse. Only a fool does not look to
explain his mistakes."

- William Jefferson Clinton

=

I toppled Saddam Hussein "just because I could". That's
the best excuse I can think of. OK, so no major "weapons
of mass destruction" were found, exactly. Many U.S.
military innocently lost their lives to buy oil. So? I
feel Baghdad is now a safer place. No, I haven't thought
it through at all. Others did. It seems to them that the
only possible explanation's that I'm congenitally one damn
'stoopid' fool. Officially moronic in the extreme. A drunk
lunatic joke. Out soon, no job. Boo hoo!

- George Bush

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Presidential election =
Select the perennial idiot!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Piano Man

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The cosmetic dental practitioner =
I implant nice teeth at record cost.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A Christmas number one ~
means abhorrent music.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender says, "But you're a duck."
"Yep, that is very true," says the duck.
"And you talk, too!" exclaims the bartender."
"Indeed I do," says the duck, "I'd like a large beer, and one of your finest sandwiches."
"Certainly," says the bartender, "it's just we don't get to see too many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around these parts?"
"I'm working for a builder in this area," replies the duck.
So then the duck has his beer and sandwich, pays up and leaves.
One day, the ringleader of a circus comes into the pub, and the bartender tells him about his clever friend, the talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "ask him to come over and see me."
The next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, you're in luck. I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "where?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?"
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"That place with all those animals? With the great big tent?"
"Yes, that's right," says the bartender.
The duck looks confused.
"So what do they want with a plasterer?"

=

A man, a flamingo, and a black cat enter a bar. The man says to the bartender: "Hey, I'd like a bottle of Bud!" The flamingo says: "Ooh, you know, I'd just LOVE a pina colada, please sir, if that's not too much trouble." The cat cussed: "Hey! I want a double scotch whisky. Buckshee. Heck, I sure ain't paying! And hurry, OK!" The bartender was utterly speechless!

The next night, these same three characters venture back in. The man orders a Bud, the flamingo a pina colada, and the cat a scotch, curtly adding: "Hey! Damn sure I AIN'T paying, OK!" Rather shocked, surprised, and pretty perturbed, the bartender can't contain his curiosity, and asks about these creatures (the bird and the very rude pesky cat).

"OK..." the customer says, "...I was out on the links yesterday, when I missed a shot, well crooked into the bushes. I went to retrieve the ball, there was this hundred-year old muddy bottle lying there. As I opened it - 'Eureka!' - out came this genie, who expressed he'd grant any wish I desired."

"Like, sure buddy! Heck, just what did you ask for?"

Red-eyed, he answers: "A pretty cultured bird with very long legs and a dark, tight pussy!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'Do They Know It's Christmas?' - Band Aid

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
A Peter Cook/Dudley Moore sketch

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
In rehabilitation ~
I halt inebriation.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Slough

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Afroman - 'Because I Got High'

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The typical blonde-haired woman =
On the whole, rated incapably dim.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noël Coward [version I]

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
Iraq oil + arms trade =
Al-Qaida terrorism.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noël Coward [version II]

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
The American singer Sheryl Crow =
Why Lance Armstrong is cheerier

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
Wallace and Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit =
Blast the unwelcome big-eared raw carrot thief!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Medical Research Council =
"Ah, sod the mice, I'll cure cancer!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Colombian creep =
Cocaine problem.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Europeans =
One up the arse.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The first lesson on guitar =
It hurts one's fingers a lot!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Gary Glitter gets three years in a Vietnamese prison =
"I try some very tight pre-teenage Eastern Asian girls!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
President Slobodan Milosevic, "The Butcher of the Balkans" =
Devil takes the scum responsible for an ethnic bloodbath.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
New Woman's 100 Sexiest Men in the World 2006:

1st Brad Pitt
2nd Jake Gyllenhaal
3rd Orlando Bloom
4th Johnny Depp
5th Clive Owen
6th Jose Mourinho
7th Shayne Ward
8th Daniel Craig
9th Simon Jones
10th Olivier Martinez
11th George Clooney
12th Thierry Henry
13th Robbie Williams
14th David Beckham
15th Jude Law
16th Josh Holloway
17th Adam Brody
18th Pete Doherty
19th Alex Zane
20th David Tennant
21st Gavin Henson
22nd Heath Ledger
23rd Leonardo Di Caprio
24th Joaquin Phoenix
25th Prince William
26th Preston
27th Matthew Fox
28th Jonny Wilkinson
29th Jamie Foxx
30th Vince Vaughn
31st Hugh Grant
32nd Freddie Ljungberg
33rd Vernon Kaye
34th Colin Farrell
35th Dermot OÕleary
36th Justin Timberlake
37th Ewan Mcgregor
38th Fabio Moretti
39th Ashton Kutchner
40th Usher
41st Jason Statham
42nd Eminem
43rd Keanu Reeves
44th Matthew Mcconaughey
45th Owen Wilson
46th Viggo Mortensen
47th Matt Le Blanc
48th James Cracknell
49th Antonio Banderas
50th Calum Best
51st Tom Cruise
52nd Ralph Fiennes
53rd Goran Visnijic
54th Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff
55th Will Smith
56th Prince Harry
57th Naveen Andrews
58th Sean Penn
59th Brandon Flowers
60th Colin Firth
61st Simon Webbe
62nd Pierce Brosnan
63rd Jean Christoph Novelli
64th Michael Owen
65th Gael Garcia Bernal
66th Carl Barat
67th Mick Jagger
68th Steve Jones
69th Jason Lee
70th Cillian Murphy
71st Max Beesley
72nd Paul Bettany
73rd Matt James
74th Nigel Harman
75th Jonathan Ross
76th Lee Ryan
77th Richard Fleeshman
78th Jamie Oliver
79th Steven Gerrard
80th Damien Lewis
81st Anthony Head
82nd Jason Orange
83rd Andrew Lincoln
84th Jody Latham
85th James Mcavoy
86th Daniel Radcliffe
87th Patrick Dempsey
88th Robert Webb
89th Adrien Brody
90th Johnny Knoxville
91st Paul Walker
92nd David Cameron
93rd James Blunt
94th Russell Crowe
95th Ashley Cole
96th Colin Murray
97th Ben Shephard
98th Will Young
99th Gordon Ramsay
100th Alex Turner

=

Now the hundred most dead-gorgeous, sexy women 2006... true VIP "Top Totty":

1st Natalie Imbruglia
2nd Anna Kournikova
3rd Helena Christensen
4th Halle Berry
5th Kate Beckinsale
6th J-Lo
7th Helena Bonham-Carter
8th Penelope Cruz
9th Elle Macpherson
10th Jennifer Aniston
11th Pamela Anderson
12th Angelina Jolie
13th Cameron Diaz
14th Sophie Ellis-Bextor
15th Barbara Schett
16th Emma Major
17th Norah Jones
18th Thandie Newton
19th Jade Jagger
20th Victoria Beckham
21st Kylie Minogue
22nd Avril Lavigne
23rd Sharon Stone
24th Andy McDowell
25th Ms Dynamite
26th Mya
27th Minnie Driver
28th Gwen Stefani
29th Dido
30th Carol Vorderman
31st Beverley Craven
32nd Sheryl Crow
33rd Uma Thurman
34th Isabelle Dinoir
35th Naomi Campbell
36th Joss Stone
37th Jamie-Lee Curtis
38th Lulu
39th Olivia Newton-John
40th Enya
41st Drew Barrymore
42nd Gabby Logan
43rd Alex Kingston
44th Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof
45th Bonnie Langford
46th Twiggy
47th Geri Halliwell
48th Joanna Lumley
49th Samantha Fox
50th Emma Bunton
51st Goldie Hawn
52nd Jemima Khan
53rd Patsy Palmer
54th Exene Cervenka
55th Jennifer Warnes
56th Sara Cox
57th Winona Ryder
58th Stevie Nicks
59th Cheryl Ladd
60th J.K. Rowling
61st P.J. Harvey
62nd Jerry Hall
63rd Madonna
64th Demi Moore
65th Davina McCall
66th Cher
67th Mel Brown
68th Mel Chisholm
69th Monica Lewinsky
70th Whoopi Goldberg
71st Courtney Love
72nd Divine Brown
73rd Jane Fonda
74th Sophie Wessex
75th Joan Collins
76th Steffi Graf
77th H.R.H. Her Majesty The Queen
78th Wendy Richard
79th/80th Trinny/Susannah
81st Rose West
82nd Janice Long
83rd Joan Rivers
84th Tessa Jowell MP
85th Sally Gunnell
86th Victoria Wood
87th Lindsay Davenport
88th Jordan
89th Ruby Wax
90th Dawn French
91st Jenna Bush
92nd H.R.H. Princess Anne
93rd Clare Balding
94th Jo Brand
95th P.M. Margaret Thatcher
96th Huffty
97th Janet Street-Porter
98th Ann Widdecombe MP
99th Camilla Windsor
100th Cherie Booth

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
She has a nice personality =
Any acne? Halitosis? Herpes?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full,
I've traveled each and every highway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do,
And saw it through, without exemption.
I planned each charted course,
Each careful step along the byway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up, and spat it out.
I faced it all, and I stood tall,
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill, my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh no, oh no not me, I did it my way."

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels,
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows,
- And did it my way!
Yes, I did it my way!

=

'My Way' - Tony Blair

And now, the end is near,
That full third term,
I wouldn't bet my shirt on!
The Chancellor, I'm sure,
Won't be for long, it's certain.
I've had holidays far-and-wide,
Have taken freebies, not in a shy way,
Started a daft, damn-futile war
- And did it my way!

Lies, I have told a few!
(Um, ah...ok, too many to mention!)
I'd admit with Gordon and me,
Why indeed, there's a tension.
I'd plan my legacy,
Had Ali spin it in his shady, sly way.
At least, he leaked-out that
I did it my way!

Oh, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
The wife's funny gurns,
Were more than even I could chew!
Time after time, rules I'd flout,
I lost the plot...I lost my clout!
I should have gone, and I clung on,
And did it my way!

I have had two and-a-half terms,
I fear to David Cameron losing.
I wish, when I hand-over,
I'd exit at a time of my choosing.
With each half-truth I fade,
I acted in a heavy-handed, high way.
Oh yes, in fact I cheated!
- I did it my way!

What's a P.M? What left has he got?
With a reputation of licking Bush's bott!
Tuscany...I'm at Berlusconi's heels,
The scandal of cash-for-honours deals,
I ran the show, I have to go.
- I did it my way!

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Spanish team Barcelona =
The champions beat Arsenal

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
80 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Queen Elizabeth

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace;
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go;
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for its living;
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

=


Monday's child is too darn fat,
Tuesday's child's obviously a frigging brat!
Wednesday's? Rigid, cold, a stiffy,
Thursday's child? Foul and kinda whiffy;
Friday's child? A loutish, giggling cretin,
Saturday's child, alas, beds wet in;
Oh, a child of the Sabbath born,
Has cloven hoof, and devil's horn.

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Miss Ann Coulter =
Nastier columns

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
=

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Sir Paul McCartney files for divorce from Heather =
Too-rich Liverpudlian's free from a crafty schemer!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Devil

Hello, nice to see you all again. Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? Yes?

Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets...if you'd read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then, I believe that's the idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me still?
CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

All right, off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers...

Fornicators, if you could step forward - my God there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

Okay...

Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Okay, Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Python's "Life of Brian" - I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing. We're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes ... and the chains, and electrodes.

I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think. It goes something like this:

- "Knock, knock!"

- "Who's there?"

- "Death"

- "Death wh...!"

=

The Programmer

Hello, good evening! It's nice to see you all again. The more perceptive of you (as if!) have probably realised this is the Anagrammy Forum, and I'm the Programmer/Referee. My friend calls me God, but you can call me Toby.

In the interests of a few runner-up pie chart, bar and scatter graphs, and various other web statistics of absolutely not one jot of interest to anyone other than myself, I find I'm gonna have to split y'all up into, like, demographic sub-sections. If there are any questions...too bad.

If you'd read the FAQs, you'd have seen that this is a fairly broad-minded, informal, free, tolerant group. OK, let's split you up into nationalities, if y'all are still awake.

Alright! Let's "kick some butt" as we say over here in California. Now...are there any...WIMMIN here? Oh, wrong sketch. Where was I? Demographics. Where shall I start?

The Americans! Just stay where you are, pending the outcome of a vote recount. Rothstein? Hmm, seems a little, um...Germanic to me. What? So does Gottfried? Off-limits. You sit out over there on the right, with the Europeans.

The Canadians! Hello Canadians? Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Dang! I coulda sworn we had a few canucks round here. Oh well! It seems he left.

A few Israelis! Stand over by that wall! What? Oh, you haven't finished it yet? Damn well hurry up, will you?

The Germans, ja? Get those towels off of the sun-loungers! Stand over there next to the Israelis by the wa...wa...wall.

What? Why do I keep on about what? Well you started it! Oh yes you did! You invaded Pola...oops, sorry, wrong sketch again, it seems!

The Greeks! Move over there! Have you lost your marbles?

Hey, any Serbs or Slovenians! Stay out over there by the Greeks, please...in a bit...terrific!

Chileans! Another New World whine producer! Whoopee! Come sit here with me!

Gee! The United Kingdom contingent, I see! The English and Walesland minorities! The so-called "special friendship". Like, pur-leeeeez! You'll be fined, and excluded from the Forum for a maximum of a month for exceeding your legal bandwidth allotment by an average of over twenty-four percent. Tony Crafter, get your hands out of your pockets, boy! Joe Fathallah! What are you looking so sheepish about? Pus! Wipe that ridiculous smirk off of your face immediately! Ah, "David Bourke"...David Bourke...if that IS your real name, with all the idiotic aliases and highly-juvenile pseudonyms? It isn't, eh? You learn something every day, don'tcha?

Ah yes, to the elite. The Australians! G'day, cobbers! If you could just put down those tinnies and stay over there. Brash, Grantham...knock me some HTML up to demonstrate the ratio of illegitimate Rude anagrams sent to Main in "error".

Well, I have to shoot off now, but hey, I would not take things too literally, if I were you. I'd just like to leave you with a favorite little joke of mine, if I may. I hope you enjoy it!

- "Knock knock!"
- "Ach, who is there?"
- "Helmut"
- "Come in, Helmut"

How hilarious!

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The KGB's former agent Alexander Litvinenko =
Kremlin revenge: Toxin breakfast, long death.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - David Bourke with:
[WARNING CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEAR WORDS AND SEXUAL REFERENCES]

A pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is walking the streets of Soho. In Dean Street he sees a cocktail bar with a sign saying: 'Jazz pianist wanted'.

"Fucking hell, get in there, you cunt!" he says to himself, and enters. "Get the fucking manager of this turdhole, you bollockbrained cocksucking cunt!" he says to the barman, who obliges, and the manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you?" he says to the pianist. "Yes you can, you fat piece of shit! I saw your poxy ad in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Bloody tosser!"

The manager is put off by the man's rather discourteous manner, but his urgent need for a pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune is a very uplifting jazzy number, and at the end, the barman says "Wonderful! What's that one called?"

"That's called Excuse Me Sir But I Just Jizzed In Your Wife's Eye".

"Oh! Very well..." says the manager "Can you play something a little less lively?"

"Motherfucking twat!" says the pianist to himself, under his breath, before playing a ballad which leaves the manager in tears, as he asks him the title.

"That one's When You Do A Bird Up The Shitbox You'll Get Crap On Your Nob-End".

"I see..." says the manager, "And, er...do you have any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well, you stupid cunting prick...", he says, "there's always my mellow jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?"...or even "I Don't Fucking Care If You're Sixty, You've Still Got Very Nice Jugs, Grandmother".

"Look..." says the manager, "You're a superb pianist, but your titles are a bit racy. I'll hire you on one condition...that you don't introduce your songs, and don't speak to the audience at all".

"Oh fuck it..." says the pianist, "Why not!".

The first night, everything is going superbly, and all the crowd are lapping up his repertoire. The only thing putting the pianist off is a quite utterly gorgeous blonde lady in a little black evening dress with a split up the side, revealing the top of her silk stockings, and a plunging neckline showing all her ample cleavage. At the break, the pianist has such a stonking hard-on that he goes to the john and knocks one out. Just as he comes, he hears himself being re-introduced, and so rushes back and finishes his set.

After the show the blonde comes over. "Hi!"' she says. "Hello" he replies...and she whispers in his ear "Do you know your cock is hanging out and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

"Know it...?", he says, "I fucking wrote it!"

=

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China, in Shanghai, and the place is just packed to the rafters. He plays 'Part Time Lover' and 'Ebony And Ivory', but to only lukewarm, awkward applause. In a bid to break the ice, the soul legend asks if anyone has a request. One Chinese fellow jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "You play a jazz chord!"

Shocked that this guy knew about the Fifties/early Sixties influences in his career, the blind musician nods, and starts, with gentle keystrokes, to play a sweeping E-minor scale on the piano with a moody, ethereal fretless bass accompaniment, then subtly swaying, goes into a beguiling, bluesy Ray Charles- style melody for about ten deliriously intense minutes, interspersing it with abstract reggae-tinged harmonic counterpoint, unusually-intricate myxolydian scales, excerpts from 'Songs In The Key Of Life', 'Talking Book', etc. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. However, when the thunderous applause dies down, the Chinese chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No no! You play a jazz chord!"

A little bit cheesed-off by this time, but being the true professional entertainer that you know he is, our sightless genius and his superb band dive straight into a staggeringly difficult, free-form improvisation with Stevie on the harmonica, based around 'Superstition' in the B-flat diminished-seventh chord, gradually segueing into 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and other chart- topping tunes from his back-catalogue such as 'Masterblaster', a tender 'My Cherie Amour', a keen 'Living For The City', and a raucous, boneshaking 'Sir Duke' on his huge Yamaha synthesiser...and Stevie really tears the place apart, the multi-coloured beads in his hair swinging around in the spotlight.

The exuberant crowd go bonkers again, but still the little Chinese guy jumps up yet again and shouts, more frantically now, "No no no! You play a jazz chord!"

By now, Stevie's utterly hacked-off, and cantankerously shouts "Hey you! Misstra Know-It-All! Enough's enough, OK! Why don't you get right up here and show me how to do it better yourself, you annoying little slanty- eyed yellow-skinned chinky monkey?"

"Sure!" says the Chinese guy. He gets up onto the stage, takes the microphone, and says "No, rook! Rike this, you see...", then starts singing:

"...a jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

The Day Of Wishful Thinking

Half a month before Christmas - panic at No. Ten.
Would Blair have his collar felt? - Not "if", but "when"!
To notions of honesty he had turned an eye blind,
With a hope that the law would no evidence find.

A Government bursting with wasters and phonies...
A House of Lords stuffed to the rafters with cronies...
How embarrassing might that be, a plod at the door,
When his hollow "legacy", he had still to secure?

The N.H.S. he'd treat with inhuman disdain,
Middle England he'd siphon for personal gain.
Fiddled expenses, and free holidays! (Like, hello?)
How shady he was! (As the headlines all show).

John Yates of the Yard, he had Blair on the run,
In a quest to find him with a hot, smoking gun.
Would the storm in the media about cash for honours,
Be enough to ensure that New Labour were goners?

Said Yates to himself: "There's no smoke without fire!",
While down Downing St. again swept the filth's Black Maria.
When he knocked, Cherie answered, her hair all unkempt,
- How his "Wicked Witch" wife sneered with downright contempt!

Said the hapless PM: "I...ahem...wouldn't suppose,
You'd, like...do me a favour...all remain in plain clothes?"
"With respect, sir", said Yates, "it might be for the best,
If you didn't stage-manage your terms of arrest!"

Blair shackled and handcuffed, that was always the plan,
Then he'd throw him within the back of a van.
Tony's shower of halfwits were huddled in there,
And Yates got down to business...he'd a case to prepare.

"Come, Falconer! Come, Ali! Come, Dromey! Come, Tessa!
Why not stop wasting my time, and confess, huh?
Come, Levy! Come, Two-Jags! Come, Gord! Come, John Reid!
Let's be havin' you all! Spill the beans, then you're freed!"

Tony's flannel and hogwash, how it came back to bite!
("Things Can Only Get Better!", and "whiter than white"),
Whilst baksheesh hardly known since the Soviet Bloc...
Christmas Eve morn, there he was, in the dock!

The judge, he sighed: "Ah! Anthony Charles Lynton Blair!
You stand charged with corruption...what a sordid affair!
Why, your duplicity, lies, spin and underhand greed,
Have ruined this nation, man! How do you plead?"

Like with Dr. Kelly, when the wheedling, shamed runt,
He had insisted 'twas all a political stunt,
"Not guilty, ok!", the defendant replied,
"Anyhow, I shall one day over Europe preside!"

"You? As bent as a plate of stolen spaghetti?
Knockdown knighthoods, with peerages thrown like confetti!
Leaks! Threats! Wanton scheming! Wholesale wheeler-dealing!
Hutton whitewash! A stealth-tax haul right through the ceiling!

That illegal war! Parliament awash with sleaze!
Wealthy Asians helped! And hidden loans! Like, oh please!
And he shook his head..."Jesus H. Christ, words me fail!"
Then the beak (with a wink) he sent "Teflon" to jail!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:

The Tale Of Peter Rabbit

ONCE upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter. They lived with their Mother in a sand-bank, underneath the root of a very big fir tree.

"NOW, my dears," said old Mrs. Rabbit one morning, "you may go into the fields or down the lane, but don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor."

"NOW run along, and don't get into mischief. I am going out."

THEN old Mrs. Rabbit took a basket and her umbrella, to the baker's. She bought a loaf of brown bread and five currant buns.

FLOPSY, Mopsy, and Cottontail, who were good little bunnies, went down the lane to gather blackberries; BUT Peter, who was very naughty, ran straight away to Mr. McGregor's garden and squeezed under the gate!

FIRST he ate some lettuces and some French beans; and then he ate some radishes; AND then, feeling rather sick, he went to look for some parsley.

BUT round the end of a cucumber frame, whom should he meet but Mr. McGregor!

MR. McGREGOR was on his hands and knees planting out young cabbages, but he jumped up and ran after Peter, waving a rake and calling out, "Stop thief!"

PETER was most dreadfully frightened; he rushed all over the garden, for he had forgotten the way back to the gate. He lost one of his shoes among the cabbages, and the other shoe amongst the potatoes.

AFTER losing them, he ran on four legs and went faster, so that I think he might have got away altogether if he had not unfortunately run into a gooseberry net, and got caught by the large buttons on his jacket. It was a blue jacket with brass buttons, quite new.

PETER gave himself up for lost, and shed big tears; but his sobs were overheard by some friendly sparrows, who flew to him in great excitement, and implored him to exert himself.

MR. McGREGOR came up with a sieve, which he intended to pop upon the top of Peter; but Peter wriggled out just in time, leaving his jacket behind him. AND rushed into the toolshed and jumped into a can. It would have been a beautiful thing to hide in, if it had not had so much water in it.

MR. McGREGOR was quite sure that Peter was somewhere in the toolshed, perhaps hidden underneath a flower-pot. He began to turn them over carefully, looking under each.

Presently Peter sneezed-- "Kertyschoo!" Mr. McGregor was after him in no time, AND tried to put his foot upon Peter, who jumped out of a window, upsetting three plants. The window was too small for Mr. McGregor, and he was tired of running after Peter. He went back to his work.

PETER sat down to rest; he was out of breath and trembling with fright, and he had not the least idea which way to go. Also he was very damp with sitting in that can.

After a time he began to wander about, going lippity-- lippity--not very fast, and looking all around.

HE found a door in a wall; but it was locked, and there was no room for a fat little rabbit to squeeze underneath. An old mouse was running in and out over the stone doorstep, carrying peas and beans to her family in the wood. Peter asked her the way to the gate, but she had such a large pea in her mouth that she could not answer. She only shook her head at him. Peter began to cry.

THEN he tried to find his way straight across the garden, but he became more and more puzzled. Presently, he came to a pond where Mr. McGregor filled his water-cans. A white cat was staring at some gold-fish; she sat very, very still, but now and then the tip of her tail twitched as if it were alive. Peter thought it best to go away without speaking to her; he had heard about cats from his cousin, little Benjamin Bunny.

HE went back towards the tool-shed, but suddenly, quite close to him, he heard the noise of a hoe--scr-r-ritch, scratch, scratch, scritch. Peter scuttered underneath the bushes. But presently, as nothing happened, he came out, and climbed upon a wheelbarrow, and peeped over. The first thing he saw was Mr. McGregor hoeing onions. His back was turned towards Peter, and beyond him was the gate!

PETER got down very quietly off the wheelbarrow, and started running as fast as he could go, along a straight walk behind some black-currant bushes. Mr. McGregor caught sight of him at the corner, but Peter did not care. He slipped underneath the gate, and was safe at last in the wood outside the garden.

MR. McGREGOR hung up the little jacket and the shoes for a scare-crow to frighten the blackbirds.

PETER never stopped running or looked behind him till he got home to the big fir-tree.

He was so tired that he flopped down upon the nice soft sand on the floor of the rabbit-hole, and shut his eyes. His mother was busy cooking; she wondered what he had done with his clothes. It was the second little jacket and pair of shoes that Peter had lost in a fortnight!

I AM sorry to say that Peter was not very well during the evening. His mother put him to bed, and made some camomile tea; and she gave a dose of it to Peter! "One table-spoonful to be taken at bed-time."

BUT Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail had bread and milk and blackberries, for supper.

THE END


=


The Tale Of Tony The Poodle

Once upon a time there was a fawning poodle whose name was Tony. He resided in a breathtaking grace-and-favour Ivory Tower in a nice place called Downing Street in a backwater country named Great Britain, with Cherie, his money-grabbing, grasping, grafting, supermarket-sweeping, barking-mad bitch (aka 'The Wicked Witch'), and their two tabby cats named Major and Thatcher. He kept a staff of two hundred, including a butler, and owned a bankrupt political party called New Labour. (Or so he thought...it was actually owned by Robber Brown).

Now Tony the Poodle didn't do much except lie in the sun (or anywhere else for that matter) whilst planning his so-called "Legacy"...or the next junket or freebie trip away.

"Yo Tone...!", said his bestest friend ever, George the Dumb Ass, from an oil-guzzling place named the United States of America, "We're goin' on a trip into that bastard Mr Hussein's backyard...the truth is, mah paw had a bit of an, um...episode there fifteen years ago...ah sure am gonna kick that wretched A-rab mofo from here to Kingdom Come!"

"Oh good! Goody gumdrops! That'd be cool, George!" said the Poodle. "But, erm, hold on a minute, don't you think that...you know...we Western superpowers should attempt the appropriate sanctions, or get, like, a watertight United Nations Resolution or something first?"

"What? Better forget it!" replied the swaggering, brainless, bible-thumping, half-drunk warmonger George. "After September Eleven? Remember the Twin Towers! And the Pentagon! A watertight new-nited what? Bugger that! I-raqland here we come!"

"OK, fine...whatever you want, George...just whatever you want!" went Tony the Poodle, gushingly, humping George's leg.

But first, the Poodle went out to do the shopping. He bought a plectrum, a purple jacket and trousers, two apartments in Bristol, a bottle of champagne, a wreath for David Kelly (the scapegoat), a tin of whitewash for his trusted friend Hutton the Porker, fragrant strawberries and cream and a double cheeseburger for George's breakfast, got some travel brochures, two shotguns, and two Bee Gees CDs.

Tony the Poodle liked the Bee Gees very much...he sometimes went on free trips to Florida with his new friend Robin the Chipmunk. Tony the Poodle knew the proper chords to Robin and his brother Dobbin's song Stayin' Alive on his shining Fender Stratocaster guitar. He also had some friends named Sir Clifford of Barbados and Mr Silvio Ravioli di Toscana, and he visited them for frequent free holidays...and wristwatches, too!

Now Tony and George told the whole wide world that Mr Hussein, the "Butcher of Baghdad", had some weapons of mass destruction which could be deployed within forty-five minutes! Both the Poodle and the Dumb Ass knew that this was an utter crock of garbage, but, together with the Hebrews, told everyone that it was true nonetheless.

Then the Poodle went begging...he rounded up all together his select mega-rich business entrepreneur "friends", then in return for lots and lots of cash, which he needed both to go and sort-out Mr Hussein, and also to repay the huge mortgage on the latest kennel, he gave the wealthy benefactors a lot of big, impressive-sounding but worthless titles (or "peerages") which they could attach to their names, such as "Sir" or "Lord" . (Or at least OBE or CBE.)

However, a nice honest policeman named Mr. Yates thought that this was altogether very naughty, so he chased after Tony the Poodle with a great big stick, the better to arrest him with. He caught up with him, and attempted to grab him...but he was covered from head to toe in a somewhat slippery substance called Teflon, and he was thus able to escape from the clutches of the poor Mr. Yates, and then to squeeze under the gate in the Yard. What a perfect embarrassment!

One summer month, the Dumb Ass and the Poodle jumped on a fast Jumbo plane together, then went east to I-raqland to find and then capture Mr. Hussein. With malice aforethought, they bombarded, battered, and blanketed the I-raqland infrastructure for months and months...a major laser-targeted battle called 'Operation Shock-and-Awe'. They even knocked over a huge statue of Mr. Hussein. Then one unforgettable night, on a little farm, they found THE fallen Mr. Hussein, unkempt, hiding down a hole in the ground, frightened, so they pulled him out by his ears, shone a bright torch into his mouth, then threw him into a dark, damp A-rab prison.

Then afterwards, Mr. Hussein was put in front of some judges from I-raqland who had been told just what to say by the Dumb Ass.

Furthermore, that horrible A-rab Mr. Hussein was at last charged with Crimes Against Humanity for the Dujail massacre of one-hundred-and-forty-eight innocent civilians, found guilty, sentenced to death, then he, together with his half-brother Barzan, was hanged at Camp Cropper in Baghdad's protected Green Zone, photographed on a mobile phone...then the power-mad statesman George the Dumb Ass and his mate Tony the Poodle lived happily together, nuclear-powered, for ever.

The End.

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
William Henry Gates and Melinda French =
Really damn rich gentleman and his wife.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The long-playing record 'Dark Side of the Moon' =
Another old Pink Floyd gem...Roger's on the acid!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Sydney Mardi Gras =
They may dress in drag.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists ~
help irrational nutcases and crazy fools get well. Sanity ahead!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. =
Proved by Tony Blair (at the long, monotonous "Adieu!" monologue) that that's the bona-fide truth!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school, when they were in
the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to
lead the discussion on the meaning of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious Labour leader asked the class to give
him an example of tragedy. One little boy stood up and
offered: "If my best friend who lives on a farmyard is
playing in the field and some tractor runs him over and
kills him then that would be a tragedy".

"Actually, no," said Blair, "...that would just be an
accident."

One little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove over a cliff killing everybody inside
would that be a tragedy, then?"

"No, I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's
just what we would call a great loss. The room went silent.
No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.

"Look, is there not someone here who can give me an
example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the classroom, a small boy raised
his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "Please sir...if the
airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown completely to smithereens
that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's absolutely
right. And can you please tell me why that would be a
tragedy, young man?"

"Well," says the boy, "...it has to be a tragedy, because
it wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an
accident either!"

=

One day Tony Blair, who was out jogging along the side of
a river, accidentally fell backwards from the bank, and,
alas, crashed headfirst downwards into the cold waters.

Three schoolboys playing by the river saw the accident.
Without a second thought, the boys waded into the water
and pulled the careless Prime Minister out of the river,
soaking wet. After drying himself off and cleaning himself
up, an ashamed and rather embarrassed Blair breathlessly
exclaimed to the schoolmates: "Well done, boys! Today,
you saved the life of the elected Right Honourable Prime
Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland...a heroic,
unselfish achievement! It's extremely important that you
all get a reward...you each deserved it. You name it, and
I shall give it to you!"

"Well, I'd like some new trainers...some Nike Air Turbos,"
the first boy said.

"Of course. I shall go and buy them myself. In fact,
allow me to present them to you in my Downing Street
headquarters!" gabbled the grateful Blair.

The second boy said, excitedly, "Please Tony, I'd very
much like a ticket to go on vacation in Disneyland Florida!"

"Fantastic! I shall personally hand it to you," said Mr.
Blair, beaming.

"I want a wheelchair" said the third boy.

"Certainly! No problems, I shall personally get one,
and...like, just a minute...you're not handicapped!",
Blair exclaimed, aghast.

"Well, no...but I will be when my dad finds out that I
saved you from drowning, you useless little bastard!"

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
Breastfeeding in public places =
Presenting babies a filled C-cup!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels,
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles,
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver white winters that melt into springs,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad!

=

Leather whips, sadism, in pity to wallow,
Britney and Paris, blonde women who swallow,
The Darkness, The Carpenters,
The Beatles (not Wings),
These are a few of my favourite things!

Stark-naked Swedish tarts, snorting cocaine,
MS Home Office, bondage, inflicting pain,
Sordid transvestites, mud wrestlers, teen flings,
These are a few of my favourite things!

Haemorrhoids, hymens, blow-up dolls, easy lays,
Bosom enlargements, dildos, short negligees,
Prostitutes, Led Zeppelin IV, nipple rings,
These are a few of my favourite things!

When the night's here,
When it's bedtime,
When screwing the partner's out,
Smoking herbs - I take hashish, with speed,
I'll feel instantly wasted, no doubt!

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
Britney Spears lost her virginity at fourteen years old =
Noisy stereotype trailer-trash duly given a first boner!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
Britney Spears loses the custody of her two children =
Total psycho-witch, she surrenders boys to Federline.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
The National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors =
One-and-only deal: Collect dead one, stuff it in hearse, and inter it. RIP.

 

Table of All-Time Winners

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