Anagrammy Winners by Dharam Khalsa

All the winning anagrams by Dharam Khalsa from the Anagrammy Awards.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
eBay auction =
I can beat you.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower 6:40 a.m., just as his wife finishes up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The pretty wife wraps her body in a tatty towel and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, the guy says, "I'll give you eight hundred dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops away her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, the guy hands her eight hundred dollars, tells her goodbye and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the tatty towel and goes upstairs to the bedroom. Getting there, her husband asks, "Who was that, Honey?"

"The neighbour Bob."

"Great!" the husband says, "Did my buddy say anything to you about the eight hundred dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. Getting into the car, she crossed her legs, forcing her baggy gown to flaunt a taut leg. The priest nearly had an accident! After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, try to remember Psalm 129." The priest moved his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up the taut leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, try to remember that Psalm." The priest apologized, "Sorry Sister, but you know the flesh is weak." Arriving at the ivy-covered convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

When he got back to the church, the priest looked up and found Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you do not stay well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager, walking to lunch, find a tiny oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Yay! Me first! Me first!" shouts the sales rep. "I want to be in the Bahamas driving in a little speedboat, then catching a few zz's, without a care in the world." Puff! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" shouts the admin clerk. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing at a beach with my male masseuse, endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Utopia!" Puff! She's gone.

~

"OK, you're up," The genie informs the manager. The manager hoots, "I want those two back in the office after lunch by 12:29!"

Moral of the story is:
A winner always lets his boss have first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a nice sassafras tree resting passively, doing nothing. A small rabbit assessed the eagle and asked him, "I wonder, can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat passive on the ground below the sassafras and rested like a maharajah. All of a sudden, 9 or 10 minutes later, in a whirr, a fox appeared, jumped on the hapless rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull in a grassy orchard. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but haven't got enough energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with corn and nutrients!" he explains.

So the turkey sniffed, appraised a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to raise himself to the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after another picnic of dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night in the grassy yard, the turkey was proudly perched in the treetop.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, an expert marksman. The farmer raised his gun and shot him from the tree.

Moral of the story is:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and whirled to the ground in a large field. While he was lying there in crisis, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there still in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to exclaim, "Ahhhh!" and sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and the assassin promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is an enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is a friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, July 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Fear of Flying

A plane took off from an airport in New York and steadily climbed. After it had reached its comfortably high cruising altitude, the captain made a typical announcement out over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 93, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. I see the weather ahead is good and we should have a fairly smooth and uneventful flight. Now lean back and re..."

"OH MY GOD!" he yelled.
~
A shivery silence followed, a child bawled, and after a long time that seemed like forever, the captain came back over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I frightened you earlier. During the time I was talking, Donna, a new on-board flight attendant, accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A grumpy man using the phone far away in row 39 groaned, "No, that's nothing. You should look at the back of mine!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World", a list including only great structures around the Mediterranean rim (the number "seven" was used as the Greeks did believe that number to be a magical sign):

* Pyramids, Egypt
* Hanging Gardens of Babylon (built by Nebuchadnezzar II)
* Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
* Statue of Greek God Zeus at Olympia
* Marble Tomb of King Mausolus Halicarnassus
* Colossus of Rhodes in Aegean Sea
* Pharos at Alexandria, Egypt

Seven Wonders of the Medieval World
(written in the Middle Ages, adding several):

* Colosseum of Rome
* Catacombs of Alexandria, Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* Stonehenge of Salisbury Plain, England
* Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy
* The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing, China
* Mosque of St. Sophia in Constantinople (now Istanbul, Turkey)

Some of the above attractions are not on all "Medieval Wonders" lists. Other variations of medieval wonders include:

* Abu Simbel Temple, Egypt
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Aztec Temple of Tenochtitlan, Mexico
* Banaue Rice Terraces, Philippines
* Borobudur Temple, Java, Indonesia
* Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru
* Mayan Temples of Tikal, Guatemala
* Moai Statues of Easter Island, Rapa Nui, Chile
* Mont Saint-Michel, Normandy, France
* Parthenon, Athens, Greece
* Petra (Rock-Carved City) Jordan
* Shwedagon Pagoda, Myanmar
* Taj Mahal, Agra, India
* Temple of the Inscriptions at Palenque, Mexico
* Throne Hall of Persepolis, Iran

Seven Wonders of the Modern World:

* The Suez Canal
* The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
* The Alaska Highway, Alaska, USA
* The Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, California, USA
* Empire State Building, New York, USA
* Dneproges Dam, Dnieper River, Ukraine
* The Panama Canal

Various "Modern Wonders" above are not on all lists. More international attractions include:

* Atomic Energy Research Establishment, Harwell, England
* Big Ben Clock Tower, London, England
* Channel Tunnel, England-France
* CN Tower, Toronto, Canada
* Gateway Arch, St. Louis, USA
* Aswan Dam, Egypt
* Hoover Dam, Arizona/Nevada, USA
* Itaipu Dam, Brazil/Paraquay
* Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, USA
* Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
* Statue of Cristo Redentor, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
* Statue of Liberty, New York, USA
* Sydney Opera House, Australia
~
The Seven Wonders of the Natural World (as documented in my home encyclopedia):

* Mount Everest, Nepal
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Great Barrier Reef
* The Northern Lights
* Paricutin Volcano (new), Mexico
* The Harbor at Rio de Janeiro

Some of the above phenomena may not be seen used in all Natural Wonders lists. The same encyclopedia pages append these obvious wonders:

* Angel Falls, Venezuela
* Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia
* Blue Grotto, Capri, Italy
* Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico, USA
* Giant Sequoias, Yosemite, California, USA
* Igua Falls, South America
* Krakatoa Island, Indonesia
* Mount Fuji, Japan
* Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
* Niagara Falls, Ontario/New York
* Nile, Egypt
* Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, Alaska, USA
* Yellowstone Falls, Wyoming, USA

Additionally, CEDAM International, a US-based group of people dedicated to protecting the aqueous ocean ecosystem, compiled the timeless "Seven Underwater Wonders of the World":

* Palau
* Belize Barrier Reef
* Galapagos Islands
* Northern Red Sea
* Lake Baikal, Siberia
* Great Barrier Reef
* Deep Sea Vents

"The Seven Wonders of the Industrial World", a document penned by UK author Deborah Cadbury analyzing phenomenal human feats of engineering of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, is quoted below:

* SS Great Eastern (steamship)
* Bell Rock Lighthouse/Signal Tower Museum
* Brooklyn Bridge, USA
* London sewerage system
* First Transcontinental Railroad
* The Panama Canal
* Hoover Dam

Popular travel/amusement writer Howard Hillman composed these simple lists recommending the top ten human-made and natural scenic places (in his opinion) to world tourists:

Best human-made travel wonders:

* Giza pyramid complex of Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* The Taj Mahal in India
* Machu Picchu, Peru
* Bali
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Forbidden City, China
* Bagan Temples and Pagodas, Myanmar
* Karnak Temple, Egypt
* Teotihuacan, Mexico

Best natural travel wonders:

* Immense Serengeti Migration
* Galapagos Islands
* The Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Iguazu Falls, Argentina
* Amazon Rainforest
* Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania
* The Great Barrier Reef
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Bora Bora, South Pacific
* Cappadocia, Turkey

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Evangelical Christian =
I have certain callings.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Note: (not part of anagram) "Obama or McCain as President" is the title and also runs down the left side in bold letters. Each line is an anagram of the title. To check it, I ran it through Anagram Artist with "Obama or McCain as President" 24 times. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Hope it makes sense to you. Thanks for looking!

****************************************
OBAMA OR MCCAIN AS PRESIDENT
Bipartisan, a road commences
America beams its pro and con.
Misconceptions bear a drama
An impasse in a record combat.
Obama can inspire Democrats,
Raise past damn economic bar.
McCain made a prisoner boast,
Can broadcast pain memories.
Companies remain bad actors
And compare as rise in combat
In command bases or at a price.
No promise can be as dramatic
As combat-prisoned American,
Since armada son bore impact.
Parties are basic and common;
Racism became a nation's prod.
Embrace radiant compassion;
Spirit can become a man's road.
In America, no combat spreads;
Dreams combine as in a top arc,
Encompass and orbit America.
No praise, as drab to me, McCain;
Top card Obama is sincere man!

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
US Election Day =
You and I select

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
If you still don't know what to be for Halloween, then here are ten great costumes from "film.com". All it takes is rummaging through your closet and a bit of creativity.

1. The Joker
No act drew as much attention this year as Heath Ledger's Joker. You'll need white face paint, black eye shadow, and temp spray hair color. A purple suit works if you can find one in a vintage shop. Apply red lipstick with your eyes closed for that maniacal touch.
* Bonus points if you get the voice down. "Wanna know how I got these scars?"

2. Sarah Palin
Just as there are three branches of government, there are three pieces needed to pull off Sarah Palin: glasses, a skirt suit, and a frozen-yogurt-swirl hairdo. Throw on lipstick and a flag pin and you're in business.
* Bonus points if you have bangs or a caribou carcass in tow.

3. Michael Phelps
You'll need a lot of self-confidence to pull this trick off. The key items are a Speedo, swim cap and goggles. Use bronzer to define your muscles so you can proudly display eight gold medals across your pecs.
* Bonus points if you bring along your mom.

4. Miley Cyrus
This queen of Disney is a lot more fun than those Disney princesses. Add extensions to your hair, squeeze into tight jeans and a sequined tank. Add a studded belt, cowboy boots, fingerless gloves and hoop earrings, and you're ready to pop-rock.
* Bonus points if you find a kinky guy to be your underwear model boyfriend.

5. Brangelina Baby
This costume works for just about any ethnicity. Dress in hip duds and brag about your globe-trotting, multi-millionaire parents. If you can, sport a faux-hawk.
* Bonus points if you find super-attractive kids to pose as your siblings.
~
6. Jonas Brothers
You'll have mobs of the hottest women worshipping you in your skinny jeans, skinny tie, skinny coat, skinny vest ... you get the idea. Wanna be legit? Wear promise rings.
* Bonus points if one of you has a glucose monitor.

7. Blair Waldorf
Pull that official private school uniform out of the cobwebby closet and accessorize it with preppy rediscoveries: low boots, cotton knee highs, coordinating jewelry, a good designer handbag, and the always essential headband.
* Bonus points if you adopt a pert snobbish attitude and add a Chuck Bass look-a-like prop.

8. Rachel Zoe
The key requirements of this costume style are huge accessories. Giant sunglasses, exaggerated wide-leg jeans, and a fluffy, faux fur vest ought to produce results. Hold a Starbucks coffee cup in your hand all night and you'll shut it down!
* Bonus points if you add the words "I die" and "bananas" to all your conversations.

9. Kirk Lazarus
When channeling Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder", remember, fellows, it's quite important not to risk offending anyone. You would need camouflage fatigues, commando face paint, one realistic wig, and lots of personality for this metamorphosis. Dressing as a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude is not easy.
* Bonus points if you bust out a hot Australian accent half-way through.

10. Katy Perry
Vintage flair is the key to Katy Perry's personal technique. If you happen to find a retro-inspired romper, then you're all set. Doll up your face with lots of shimmery makeup and sport some beribboned girly accessories. Remember to carry some cherry chapstick in your purse.
* Bonus points if you actually kiss a girl.

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Blonde to the supermarket manager on the telephone:
"I just bought a ten-pound turkey. How long do I cook it in the microwave?" ~
"Just a minute," the man remarked to the blonde, hoping to look it up.
"Wow! You've been a great help!!" cried the host, running to cook.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2008:
eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
What gift from Santa would you like to see under the tree on Christmas? =
The uncut trees out in the yard with dreamlike gossamer of snow aloft.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Conceptual artist Andy Warhol =
A red soup can! Why not call it art?

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ernest Hemingway =
His mane went grey

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Basic Wedding Cake Recipe

6 cups soft cake flour, sifted
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 1/2 cups butter or margarine, softened
3 cups sugar
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
12 egg whites

Preheat oven to 325F. Grease pans and line bottom with sheets of waxed paper (may also use parchment paper).

Sift flour and baking powder. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat egg whites only until stiff, not dry. With mixer on slow speed, add flour and baking powder to butter and sugar, alternately with milk. Beat well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Gently fold egg whites into batter. Pour into prepared pans. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool, ice, and decorate. Serve, share, enjoy!
=
Recipe for Upkeep of a Happy Marriage

1/2 gallon faith
6 cups consideration
5 cups trust
3 cups kindhearted praise
2 cups flattery, hidden
1 small pinch of in-laws
1 flexible budget and a pledge of cooperation
2 teaspoons pure extract of "I'm sorry"
2 tablespoons of contentment
3 cups confident and encouraging attitude
1 large or a few small hobbies
2 cups blindness to the other's faults

Stir well, taking out any big wayward lumps of bitter jealousy, bad temper, backtalk, or nagging guilt. Add pepper of recreation and a rare extract like wise understanding, and whisk gently. Next, sweeten with true love and romance. Bake and keep warm with a flame of devotion. It gets better with age, but never serve it with a cold shoulder!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A man and his wife were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' on TV while in bed. He turned to her and said, "Want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Then the fight started...

*******

A man asked his lovely wife in advance, "Where would you like to go for our next vacation?"

She answered, "Someplace I haven't been in a long time."

He suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

Then the fight started...

*******

One Saturday morning a man got up very early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, even fed the dog, and slipped quietly out into the garage. First he hooked the boat to his truck, and then proceeded to back out into a torrential rainstorm.

A wind was blowing to 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and heard the announcer say that the weather would be bad all day.

The man went back into the house and quietly slipped into bed. He snuggled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out fishing in that?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man and woman were asleep in the bed like two oversized babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, loud noise came from outside.

The woman rose from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That might be my husband!"

The scared man leapt out of the bed and jumped out of the window naked. He slammed on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and sped to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned to the bedroom, and hissed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, so then why were you running?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light. Instead, she bought herself a jar of cold cream.

He told her the beer would make her face look better at night than the cold cream.

Then the fight started...

*******

A woman was standing nude, assessing herself in the mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and sighed to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look so old and fat. I really need you to pay
me a compliment."

So the sarcastic husband replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

Then the fight started...

*******~
A man took his dowdy wife to a restaurant, where a new befuddled waiter took the husband's order first.

"I'll have steak, medium rare, please."

The dumbfounded waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

The man deadpanned, "Nah, she can order for herself."

Then the battle began...

*******

A man and his wedded wife were sitting at a table at his Midwest high school reunion. He kept staring uncomfortably at a drunken redheaded woman sitting alone at a nearby table, swigging her drink.

The wife demanded, "Is that drunk an acquaintance?"

"Yes," the man sighed, "That woman is an old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after I dumped her many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Oh, my!" blurted his wife, adding "Who would think a woman could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the battle started...

*******

After he retired, an Albuquerque fellow did not dillydally and went immediately into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter smiled and asked the man for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pocket and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman employee he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." The old guy opened his shirt, revealing curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." She processed the man's application as he buttoned up his shirt.

When the man got home, he told his wife about the woman at the Social Security office.

She jumped in loudly, "You should have opened your pants fly! You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the battle started...

*******

When a newlywed husband got home from work, his pouty wife demanded that he take her someplace expensive.

He took her to the gas station.

Then the battle started...

*******

A wife was hinting to her husband about what present she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!"

He bought her a big scale.

And then the battle began...

*******

A sleepy wife sat down on the couch, joining her weary husband. He was flipping channels, attempting to look for entertainment. She asked, "So, what's on the television?"

He muttered, "Dust."

And then the battle began...

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Amnesty International =
Meant to nail tyrannies.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Life begins on the other side of despair"--Jean-Paul Sartre =
Is a depression just a period felt before nearing health?

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Satisfaction =
Cat in its sofa.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Animal emoticons:

:]~~~~~~* Frog catching a fly
:@) Pig
:P Pig with tongue sticking out
^(@@)^ Wise owl
:(|) Monkey
) Cheshire cat
,,,,,,,,,, Ants a-marching
}:-8 Bull
<"}}}><\ Fish

=

-------------<;)))>< Fish caught bait
I=8) Comic cow
>^..^< Cat
=^-.-^= Sleepy kitten
~~~~~~~~~8}= Snake with fangs
_@/. Snail coming right
<:3 )~~~~~ Mouse going left
{:8( Unhappy gorilla
0__/\__ Inchworm

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
THE TODDLER WEIGHT-LOSS DIET

As you may have noticed, most two-year-olds are trim. The secret to their success is finally available in this new miracle diet. (You may want to consult your doctor before attempting this diet.)

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly all over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons, a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two dimes and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is fresh and clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid on mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

=

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair and shirt. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sticky sucker from the rug, lick off fur, and put it on cushion of dad's best chair.

Lunch: Eat three wooden matches, peanut butter (protein) and jelly sandwich. Spit out several bites onto the kitchen floor. Pour glass of milk on the table and slurp it up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, orange punch. Try to laugh a little through your nose, if possible.

LAST DAY
Breakfast: A little toothpaste, bit of soap (nontoxic), one oily olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of honey. Once cereal is soggy, drink sweet milk. Give gooey cereal to the dog. Drop vitamin and genuine Tonka toy down heat vent.

Lunchtime: Eat stale bread crumbs, old Dorito and dirty Cheerio off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Retrieve yesterday's sucker, finish it.

Dinner: Enjoy concoction of spaghetti noodles, sauce, and chocolate milk. Leave uneaten meatball on dinner plate. Try to swallow mascara tube for dessert.

(Dietitian note: A well-tolerated and nutritional weight-loss diet; no antidote is usually indicated.)

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Woodstock Music and Arts Festival =
Review: It's a fact most took LSD and such.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
You have to be confirmed old-fogyish enough to remember Abbott and Costello's witty comical routines, too crotchety to understand computers, and juvenile enough to appreciate this farcical spoof. For those of us who become stymied by bleeping computers, scroll down...

If comics Abbott and Costello were alive today, they might have modified their famed wry sketch, "Who's on First?" sort of like this:

COSTELLO'S ON LINE TWO

(Costello calls to buy a computer from salesman Abbott)

ABBOTT (cheery): Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO (dignified): Why yes, thank you. I'm setting up an office in my house and I'm thinking about buying a new computer.

ABBOTT: You're welcome. Mac?

COSTELLO: No, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer yet. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: Hey, I told you, I'm Lou!

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get too stuffy?

ABBOTT: Anyway, do you want a computer with Windows, McAfee?

COSTELLO: I don't know. By the way, I'm still Lou! What do I see when I check the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Wow, never mind the windows. I want a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO (agitatedly): No! For my gosh-darn computer! I need it to type proposals, track expenses, run my Chevy franchise. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You just recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO (weary): For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
~
COSTELLO: What did you just recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows, and I'm almost ready to jump out! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a business proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: You would need Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office!

ABBOTT: Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click over the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: Absurd! Sir, I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start giving me some straight answers! Let's just suppose I'm a used car salesman. Then, what about finance and bookkeeping, and all that? Do you have anything to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Sure...Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Yep, it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with the computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. A real plus, at no extra charge!

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: Say, isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us our own license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. How may I help you?

COSTELLO: I'm embarrassed, but how do I turn this useless computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'...

(The End)

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Golden Anniversary =
Dear Granny's in love.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Les vrayes centuries et propheties de maistre Michel Nostradamus =
Conspiracy theorists reuse the medieval seer's manipulated terms.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The U.S. Postal Service created a postage stamp with a picture of ex-president George W. Bush to commemorate his achievements.
In use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking at all to the envelope. This enraged the former president, who demanded
a full investigation.

=

After a month of extensive tests, the appointed committee was able to draw up, then give 'what's-his-name' harsh conclusive results:

1) The custom stamp is in perfect order and is legitimate.
2) There is no damage to the adhesive glue on the back.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Sonnet Upon Sonnets

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Himalayan Mount Everest =
A summit nearly to Heaven.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband

After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:

Dear Mrs. Khalsa,

Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.

August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.

=

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.

August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.

August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.

October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.

In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!

The management

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Muslim group warns 'South Park' creators of death =
USA authors draw results from mocking a prophet.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A nurse's care =
Reassurance.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....

A farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.

We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would only get the lead out.

He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.

They were too close to the door to make it close.

A buck does funny things when does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.

To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese? ~
Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?

We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?

If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?

How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.

Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!

(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
It's time for our quadrennial fixation;
With amazing judgement (or dumb luck),
Choose your favourite football nation
To predict the winners of the World Cup.
=
A fortune-telling octopod quaint
Jumped out from its tub restraint,
Foretold of a German win,
Which excited a humour of Berlin,
Who vocalized, "Our inky saint!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"One Hundred Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
OLD __________ NEVER DIE...

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2010:
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Christmas Party Memo
(Political Correctness in overdrive)

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 November 2010
RE: Christmas Party

I'm delighted to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Grill House. This gathering is for employees only. Therefore, we will register with the restaurant hostess at the door of the private function room at 12:00 noon.

There will be a cash bar and lots of drinks and festive eggnog. We'll have a little band there playing traditional holy carols. Please feel free to sing along! And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as that overstuffed bewhiskered jolly elf, Santa Claus!

The lighting of the Christmas tree will be at two o'clock and a photographer will take the group photograph. After we are photographed, the gift exchange will be done. However, each gift should not be over $10 to make the giving less challenging for our overstressed pocketbooks. As we indulge in the delightful roast beef and dessert, the CEO will give his address on the stage.

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pauline

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

In no way whatsoever was yesterday's memo intended to leave out our Jewish employees. This was an unfortunate oversight. We recognize that Chanukah is a very important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). We're redubbing our festivities the "Holiday Party."

The same applies to all other employees who are not believers in our Lord and Saviour. There will be no Christmas tree or traditional church carols sung. We will provide different types of music for your enjoyment. I hope you're all satisfied now!

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the snotty message I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate that request, but if I put a tag on a table that says "AA" you won't be anonymous anymore! How should I handle this? Try perching them high on the roof? Somebody?

Oh, and forget about the gift swap - no gifts are allowed. The spendthrift union officials feel $10 is too much money and the hardwired management believes it's a gyp! Therefore, NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Thank you,
Fed Up Pauline
-----------------------------------------------------------------
~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 10 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

My, I never realized what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the company party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your food until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the tables nearest the restroom.

Gay men are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men. Each group will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress - sorry, no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short... oops, I meant to say 'vertically challenged' people. Low carb/low fat food will be available for those on special diets. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruit bowls as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" pies.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 14 November 2010
RE: The F*****g Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f******g salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream! I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.

Pauline, the Bitch from HELL

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Company Employees
DATE: 16 November 2010
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis an extra-speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at Room 200 of University Hospital. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and gift exchange, instead giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A shepherd was herding his flock into a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a stylish Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and quietly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and opened an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry. After a few moments, he received a response.

Finally, the young man printed a 159-page report on his miniaturized printer and turned to the shepherd and said,

=

"I have determined that you handle exactly 951 sheep."

"Correct," said the shepherd, appearing disheartened. "Go ahead, take one of the sheep."

He watched the expensively dressed, clean fingernailed man pick an animal in a hilly pasture and place it in his spotless new German car.

Before the winner could leave, the shepherd thought of a spontaneous proposition and signalled him to stop, pleading. "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give that animal back?"

"Sure, why not?" replied the flippant man, undeterred.

"You are a professional consultant!" the shepherd announced.

"Brilliant, I'm impressed!" answered the puzzled man. "How could you guess that?"

"No special knack required," stated the shepherd. "First, you turned up here at dawn when nobody called you. Then you offered to charge me for an answer I already knew, to something I never asked, and you don't know sh*t about my business!

Now, give me back my dog!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Hemos Perdido Aun Este Crepusculo

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Please, no Rude anagrams in subject lines =
Manners! Spare us bleeding ejaculations!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
If

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Autobiography

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Walt Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" =
I saw tiny men whistle, serve, wash, and vow to defend.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Here are a few of the best text message abbreviations that have been used by seniors in social networking:

AAK: Alive And Kicking

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend's Funeral

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

CBM: Covered By Medicaid

CRS: Can't Remember Stuff

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: For Your Indigestion

GGMLKI: Gotta Go, My Laxative's Kicking In

GGMPBL: Gotta Go, My Pacemaker Battery's Low

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHMO: In My HMO

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LOL: Laying On Linoleum

LOLS: Living On Life Support

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

MILF: Meal I Like To Forget

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

PIMP: Pooped In My Pants

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

WTF: Wet The Furniture
~
AAK: Asleep At Keyboard

BBA: Born Bingo Aficionado

BVV: *Bleeping* Varicose Veins!

CTC: Change The Channel

EFM: Eligible For Medicaid

ENR: Eccentric, Not Rich

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

GTG: Got To Grumble

HTTV: Hurry, Take The Viagra!

IICR: If I Can't Remember...

IDK: I Don't Knit

IFMP: I Forgot My Pillbox

IHSK: I Have Stiff Knees

IL: Independent Living

IMHO: Is My Hearing-aid On?

INAGBM: I Need A Good Bowel Movement

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again

NW: New Wrinkle

OMR: Off My Recliner

OMSG: Oh, My! Sorry...Gas

ROTF...CGU: Rolling On The Floor... Can't Get Up!

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny!

TGIF: Thank God It's Four (It's time for an 'Early Bird Special'?)

TMTR: Too Much To Remember

TNE: Tired, Not Expired

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

WWIS: What Was I Saying?

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2011:
Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Space Shuttle Endeavour =
Launch devotees stare up.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The new McDonald's Happy Meal =
Demand healthy McApples now.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Puns and Groaners
(I. M. Apologetic)

I used to be a tailor, but I found the stitch work was just so-so.

What did the sign on a toy store say? "Don't feed the animals. They're already stuffed."

This duck walks into the bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What planned Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau.

I used to be a shoe salesman, and then they gave me the boot.

Recently, they arrested the Chrysler salesman, and he couldn't a-Ford the bail.

What do you get if you cross a bullet with a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.

I used to work for Budweiser, but then I was canned.

I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.

Which president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent.

News: They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

I used to be a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick to it.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays a dragon, yet the other is draggin' a sleigh.

I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.

I used to be a doctor, but I lost all my patients.
~
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I used to be a train driver, but I got sidetracked.

I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had my reservations.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, Sweetie.

I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? The miser is a little cheap and the canary is a little cheeper.

They arrested the Rhesus monkey for throwing his own feces at zoo attendants. His charge? Turd debris assault.

I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.

What would you get if you crossed bats with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? A wherewolf.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines again.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.

I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King.

I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Anagrammy Challenge for November is to describe yourself using these words." =
Here's a secret: I'm old. How old? Gangs of vultures sit eyeing me from nearby branches!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Man is accidentally shot by his own dog =
And I'd say, somewhat consolingly, "Bitch!"

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2012:
Dharam Khalsa with:
Worthiness ~
wins others.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Amazon's Kindle e-Reader =
Elders are amazed: "No ink?!"

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad =
Sinister and has Arabs paralysed.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Top Five Most Useful College Degrees:

5. Education
4. Law
3. Computer Science
2. Business/Management
1. Medical Science
=
5. Can't do? Teach!
4. Confuse client in legalese; sue me.
3. Develop nice website.
2. Muscle success from ego.
1. I'm a patient--drug me!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever." (Charles Lamb)
=
Aha, a chance of showers--
Perfect time to
Rest on a verandah.
I shall remember
Light rain, and also hail!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Natalie Wood =
Dies on coastal water.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2012:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ultraconservative =
An overstrict value.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The twelve months in a year:

January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
=
New Year
Love theme
Spring fever
Berry jam
My birthday
Summer tan
Barbecue
A jaunt
School
Autumn
Celebrate
Pure joy

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Advertisements ~
drive men's taste.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas ~
in this time of warm shared magic.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Naming of Cats
by T.S. Eliot

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey--
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter--
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover--
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name

=
Hit American Names for Dogs
(with the names' meanings)

Angel - ethereal
Bambi - imitation deer
Beau - handsome, charming
Betty Lou - overfed glutton
Billy-Bob - monumental as a house (i.e., the Mastiff)
Bobby-Jo - thievish
Buck - majestic stag
Bud - a beer enthusiast
Candi - has a sweet tooth
Chopper - lethal teeth, an assassin
Cletis - dull as a stone
Coy - not as dumb as he looks
Daisy - pale as the flower
Dakota - a Native American's friend
Desiree - (French) craved one
Earl - a dutiful leader
Elrod - asleep underneath the tree
Eustice - a helluva poker player
Faylene - unique
Fido - has an unimaginative human
Floyd - sensitive, gentle
Forest - chief of the woods
Harley- spacious meadow (also, a motorcycle enthusiast)
Hattie - thankful
Homer - intelligent chum
Jed - friend of God
Junior - small human son
Layla - attentive face
Lexus - faithful as the auto
Lynndie - aviator
Maddy - Messiah's helpmate
Misty - an elf in the mist
Nyla - a winner
Otis - son of Otto (who is that?)
Peggy-Sue - queen of the South
Pervis - fortunate one
Porsha - attached to a German auto mechanic
Pristine - chaste, feminine
Raylene - stubborn as a mule
Rebel - resistant to authority (the name fits most of them!)
Rhiann - a mythological nymph
Rocky - macho prize fighter (pure muscle!)
Roscoe - huntsman from the forest
Roy - magnificent ruler
Ruby - fathomless gem
Rufus - chestnut-furred one
Sherman - staunch as the tank
Spencer - faithful
Wade - loves the water

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, March 2013:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
I'm a man coming from Argentina;
I became successor via subpoena;
Guided in minimum requirement,
I said Mass in cumbersome raiment;
I'm mum on scum colleagues' pedophilia!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Short end of the stick =
The cost of the drinks.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"I've a grand memory for forgetting." (Robert Louis Stevenson)
=
Minor or big
Events
Move fast,
Or slog and
Rerun --
Yet, I forget.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Longest Joke in the World (correct me if it's not)
Link available soon.

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Solitary confinement =
Silent time for any con.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Five Spielberg Films:
1. Jaws
2. E.T.
3. Jurassic Park
4. Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark
5. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
=
1. Killer shark
2. Kid in pajamas serves alien
3. Jeep in dinosaur setting
4. Thefts afflict hero's job
5. Person directs crowd to UFO

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein
=
Get answerS;
Enlist benefiT.
Need a gurU?
I identify the steP --
Use his alibI:
Scientist minD!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Most famous artworks by Da Vinci:

1. Mona Lisa
2. The Last Supper
3. Vitruvian Man
4. Lady with an Ermine
5. Self-portrait in red chalk
=
1. Attractive smile
2. Savior's fabled lunch
3. Proportional anatomy
4. Duke's fairly vain mistress
5. Man drawn with unkempt hair

 

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
First base, second base, third base, home run =
Share embrace, nose breasts, find bush, do it!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens =
Characters are sickly child, man, boss.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Acute bronchitis ~
in thoracic tubes.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
=
Trustful
Rare (very!)
Unselfish ego
Enhances face
Looks ahead
Obvious heat
Vowed in wedlock
Ethical

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2014:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Things that have swift speed:
Hollow tweets
Hot phone chat
Celebrity gossip
Headline News blips
Fox News fabrications

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A trained circus elephant =
Such a placid entertainer.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2014:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
It is a long story =
It's a trilogy, son.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The flames kindled on the Fourth of July, 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them." - Thomas Jefferson
=
Theme of '71 to '76

Fashion:
Tie-dyed tee
Bell bottoms
Huge heels

Tunes:
The Jackson Five
Pink Floyd
"Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog"

For News:
"Money"
"Glamour"

On TV:
"Hee Haw"
"The Smothers Brothers"

The Deep Stuff:
Nixon decline
Honed technology

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Yesterday is History,
Tomorrow a Mystery,
Today is a Gift,
That's why it's called The Present.
=
Perfectly
Right (trite?),
Easy wits,
Smooth story,
Ethereal stars--
Now is my day,
This Day, Today!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2015:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
From The British Soldier by Rudyard Kipling:

When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Jest roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
An' go to your Gawd like a soldier.
=
War Drill by Dharam

If you're hopelessly injured, in anguish and pain,
Legs taken off in rugged mountainous terrain,
Mind well-bred to stay stalwart, not kowtow or complain,
But, would you choose to try death before dishonour?

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2015:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? =
We said, "Only one, but she'll tighten it backwards." Boom!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, April 2015:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
These are the Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Lust
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Sloth
5. Wrath
6. Envy
7. Pride
=
1. Perverse
2. Dines unsated
3. Tight
4. Slovenly
5. Lethal hate
6. Dyed green
7. Showy strut

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2015:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
1. Red
2. Orange
3. Yellow
4. Green
5. Blue
6. Indigo
7. Violet
=
1. Old wine
2. Tiger
3. Gold
4. Vine
5. Our eye
6. Noble
7. Regal

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2015:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Seven Dwarfs:
1. Bashful
2. Doc
3. Dopey
4. Grumpy
5. Happy
6. Sleepy
7. Sneezy
=
1. Very shy
2. Wore specs
3. Dazed
4. Huffy ploy
5. Upbeat
6. Needs naps
7. Phlegmy

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2015:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's where the fun is." Donald Trump
=
Shifty Nixon, inept Ford, naive Carter, utterly smooth Reagan, elder Bush, lusty Clinton, puppet Bush--
What's left for me? The future!

 

CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2015:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood =
His romantic analysis is a warning: "Never underestimate the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2015:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry (from Kentucky, USA)

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
=
Levity
When the weight of routine is heavy,
I withdraw and retire to the 'healthier' country,
where I wander the weeded pathway
along the deteriorated ditch,
where frogs loiter in stagnant water
to catch the wretched flies.
I inhale a whiff of ragweed,
and exhale (ugh) into a clean handkerchief.

Let It Be
by The Beatles (of Liverpool, England)

When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'

And in my hour of darkness,
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2015:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Keeping up with the Joneses =
Skip the new jeep - it's enough!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2015:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
US Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Emails and political innuendo hardly distract her.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2015:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Five Brilliant Mathematicians:
1. Sir Isaac Newton
2. Carl Friedrich Gauss
3. John von Neumann
4. Alan Turing
5. Benoit Mandelbrot
=
1. Laws of Motion
2. Overnight natural in numerals
3. Acclaim in hard subjects
4. Intervention in Enigma
5. A brain behind fractals

 

Table of All-Time Winners


Home  | The Anagrammy Awards | Enter the Forum | Facebook | The Team
Information  | Awards Rules | Forum FAQ | Anagrams FAQ | History | Articles
Resources  | Anagram Artist Software | Generators | On-line | Books | Websites
Archive  | Winners | Nominations | Hall of Fame | Anagrammasia | Literary
Competition  | Vote | Current Nominations | Leader Board | Latest Results | Old Results | Rankings
Miscellaneous  | Tribute Page | Records | Sitemap | Search | Anagram Checker | Email Us | Donate
Anagrammy Awards     © 1998-2017 Last updated 10th May, 2016