Anagrammy Winners by Linda Garrett

All the winning anagrams by Linda Garrett from the Anagrammy Awards.

LONG CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Linda Garrett with:
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.
=
Larry had a smutty goat,
It was really sweet,
Then when he swerved this lawnmower
It became a slab of meat.

LONG CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Linda Garrett with:
To spell out "Two Mormons came to Bill's door" in logiceeze, you have to say, "There exists x and there exists y such that x is a Mormon and y is a Mormon and x is not the same as y, and there exists z such that z is a door and z belongs to Bill and x came to z and y came to z, and for all w such that if w is a Mormon and w came to z then w is the same as x or w is the same as y". Though even that doesn't take into account whether or not Bill has more than one door.
=
Let's say that x is a Mormon and that x isn't a Mormon (each x has a related door, z (and z isn't z)) - then nothing exists... or everything exists... maybe. There. Obvious. Anyway, that said - y is a doormat such that z thinks it could be too, unless of course it doesn't. Now, x came to z, and z came to z, then came to w which doesn't exist here at all; hence, a Mormon's not the same as a door - except for the wood - unless the wood's also a Mormon. Really! Umm... who's Bill again?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
3rd - Linda Garrett with:
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous =
Love These Con Steps - Fun Way to Alcoholism.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. =
We, who love rum, believe that a warm beer each second is good. (Er... and we all must pee a lot.)

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. =
Trusted another to casually revive us with someone's large beer (or a teapot, etc...).

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. =
Made vintage rum under the house (raw cocaine too) - sold vials to our weird old "friends" too!

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. =
So far, met Allah, Elvis, a confessed nun, very rare moose (in drag)...

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. =
Denied, hung over, that we burnt/set on fire our cat. (...must go gas the old A.A. man next door too!)

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. =
We devotedly retch far each day to retrieve free alcohol (seem strange?).

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. =
Lost his memory shooting much vodka/rum/beer.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. =
We fight with (also pick on) small, lame, male bartenders and demand home-made ales a lot!

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. =
Supplied more rum to other poor dejected pest bums (who snorted it) when we had excess alcohol (i.e. - never).

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. =
We men skull down vintage red wine (ten or twenty a time - don't try) propped onto a chair.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. =
We, who try through good, constant hurling, to stay conscious, out of gutters and to avoid dim pink elephants and cheery rum fairies, do pray for power to crawl home without drooling.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. =
Having had our last drink (what sarcasm?), we total failed piss pots are all eager to apply these strictures to incipient (flourishing) cocaine fetishes.
                                          Cheers, A.A!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2000:
eq.1st - Linda Garrett with:
The brutal Hermann Goering =
Nuremberg Trial. Hang? Not he!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Linda Garrett with:
Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-- William Blake
=
Fluffy Bunny! Roasting bright
Who the hell set him alight?
Did mere farmers aim to fry
Their carrot eating little guy?
-- Mr Bake Me Now

 

Table of All-Time Winners


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