Anagrammy Winners by Meyran Kraus

Anagrammy Awards » Winners » Winners by Meyran Kraus

All the winning anagrams by Meyran Kraus from the Anagrammy Awards.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 1998:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Beauty and the Beast =
Be nauseated by that.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Chevrolet =
Love the car!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Silicone Transplants =
Plan nicer tits on lass.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caravaggio's "The Decapitation Of Saint John The Baptist" =
An artist, he jots 'beheading of a chap'. It's too captivating!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" =
Stone's velvet pubic hair? Can sin!
Seen Sharon's cunt via pelvic bit.
Evil Sharon's cunt? Sin, be captive.
Is Sharon's pelvic bit (even a cunt!)
Be evil, inspect via Sharon's cunt.
'Pelvic Eve'- Sharon's cunt-bait? Sin!
Be in Sharon's active cunt, pelvis.
Her cunt's visible, is open & vacant.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Libyan desert =
Let's be in dry heat!

The Sahara desert =
Ass rather heated...

The Nubian desert =
Burned in the east.

The Gobi desert =
Be hot? Gets dire!

The Great Australian desert =
Gets real arid. Sun? Heat-treat!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"This is a one time mailing. You will not receive an e-mail from our company again. Thank you." =
"A tiny, illicit violation? Spamming me once? How generous of you! A real humanitarian..." Mey K.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WE DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE FOR DSS, SATELITE OR DIGITAL CABLE SYSTEMS AND DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FOR THEM ANY TIME SOON.
=
I exhibit a most annoying, ineffective spam that mentally-challenged nerds sent. A logo? "To Rob!"... Very sad. WAY too sad. It has to end!

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dangerous Narcotic =
Snort a drug - Cocaine.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
This "Hot", new, technology will also allow you to (realistically) make $2-5,000 in less than 30 days part-time! =
Hey, 'Netwit'! This totally cool anagram shall only cost you 500 dollars. Please mail it within 20-30 weeks.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =
Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sydney Pollack's Tootsie =
Testicles on lady? Spooky...

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The British Royal Wedding at Saint George's Chapel, Windsor =
Two rising 'English Trash', Edward & Sophie, celebrating today.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL?????

We process over $4 Billion in credit card transactions every year.
We have over 100,000 merchants online and growing.
We offer secured on-line real time transactions.
We offer 24 hour customer service 7 days a week in 17 different languages.
We offer complete training and installation through our technical support group.
We offer a life time warranty and unlimited upgrades.
We help make money for your company and your customers.

=

WHAT MAKES ME REALLY MAD?????

Fuckers who are in love with theirselves.
Spammers e-mailing feces.
Low-life wankers ruining our net.
Warts & acne covered nerds posting awful, used stuff to newsgroups.
Eerie Pyramid Scams.
"Our letter can change your life" crap.
A guarantee of "Double your money" or "$40 to $40,000".
Every annoying, coffee\acid\cocaine-user pervert starting a letter with "712 Pure Hardcore Porno Pics of 71 horny women..."

And a final one:

A moronic list I didn't want!

 

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Penthouse Centerfold =
No clothes? Nude, fare pet!
Pose half nude? Not erect!
Pose nude? Cheer- not flat!
See a cunt, fondle her top.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Little Boy and the Old Man

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, July 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
America's Funniest Home Videos =
'Amateur Comedies On VHS' is fine!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: [The lines uttered by Samuel L. Jackson in 'Pulp Fiction' whenever he had to kill a guy]
Ezekiel Twenty-five, Seventeen:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
=
From Tarantino's funny, violent (yet new-style) 'Pulp Fiction'. The intense, groundbreaking hit features over-dose, rape and seinfeldish dialogs, and presents a few well-known men as Travolta, Keitel, Roth, Walken and Stoltz. This biblical quote is spoken by the Bad Mother-fucker himself, Samuel L. He says it every time he has to off new men: "Here's the scene: When I guide the needy, the poor, the shy, you, lewd son of seventy whores, try to get in their way. The devil worshiper, indeed! Ohhhhhhh, I AM god... and you're heading down to hell."

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
No Working!!!!!
No Selling!
No Meetings!
No Dressing Up!
No Time Required!
No Telephone Calls!
No Running Around!
No Presentations!
No Face-To-Face Contact!
=
No Uncaring Internet Felons!!!!!
No "Quick-Cash, So Log On" Conning!
No "test ignore" Genre!
No Fraudulent Deception!
No Misrepresentation!
No Spam Allowed!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sylvia Plath: Words

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Garbageman =
Bag manager.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Robert Schumann =
Brahms' Nocturne.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
* BARELY LEGAL TEEN SLUTS
* LIVE SEX WITH SOUND
* OVER SIX THOUSAND VIDEO FEEDS
* UNLIMITED FREE VIDEO SEX
* HARDCORE CELEBRITY PICS
* TENS OF 1000s OF FREE HARDCORE PICTURES
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD'S BEST PORN SITE !!
YOU WANT IT ..... WE GOT IT .... ALL HERE - E V E R Y T H I N G !!
WE SURE HOPE YOU ARE CUMMING TO SEE US!
WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CLICK!!
http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/deplace1/index.html

=

* VIOLATION OF INNOCENT GIRLS
* EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS
* DIRTY MOVIES
* LOVELESS INTERCOURSE
* UNREAL VIPs FUCK
* EXTREMELY CHEAP PHOTOS
To low-duty buttholes:
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The world will be better if you didn't exist:
Where I read my messages without 161,000 lists...
Where Spam is beef...
Where children experience life, not torture...
Where twits get offed and go with god...
Where there is peace.

 

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The battle for Elian's custody =
Oh stay, little fostered Cuban!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You Can Easily Stop "Incurable" Herpes Outbreaks Now =
Ah, Can You Eat A Boner, Silly Web-Poster? Suck Our Penis!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
New York, USA =
You wankers!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
<seecups@excite.com>
Best Flesh in the West Found at this Tasty Site!!
No Bull At This Site--Just Raw and Pure Pleasure! Over 18 Only
http://3626174393/Pluto/aarne
=
I wish a jury of 12 poor, sexually used teens will sentence that obese pervert pest, cut his testicles and then put 1,837,439,366 tarantulas up his fat bottom.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's Capital =
Clean fact: Paris.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Ten Commandments, each anagrammed separately.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wearing a toupee =
I tape a wee rug on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Pope's speech in Israel, grieving for the Holocaust dead =
The perished group? He apologised for the Vatican's silence.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's an idea... (81058)
If you think FREE PORN on the net is hard to find, think again...
We've got thousands of FREE XXX pics and FREE VIDEOS waiting for you!
=
To (81058):
I *think* you pissed off the wrong person.
I won't visit an XXX site even if I had gonorrhea and you had a cure.
Here's a different ending: Take off!!!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
TRANSYLVANIA (IT) - Two attractive young women have disappeared while vacationing in the Transylvanian Mountains. Their garments have been found stained with partially digested blood and bat and human saliva. This and similar occurrences are causing international concern. Detective Iulia Popescu of the Transylvanian Police has concluded that the missing people are now slaves to the infamous Count Dracula.

Does this news article frighten you?

=

TEL-AVIV, ISRAEL - An unsuspecting (and cute) twenty-year-old opened his mail, only to discover tedious spam (Aaaahhh!) about an undead pervert in a Romanian castle. Tel-Aviv PD has confirmed it's a product of "Cruel net-thieves, biting the world-wide-web's veins, feeding on the innocent and persuading others ('WEALTH! CASH!!!') that electronic harassing is a normal activity that results in an actual financial uprise."

Will this anagram convince you to not annoy me again?

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Genital Warts =
Rinse twat, gal!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Inflammatory Bowel Disease =
My ass blew fire, I moaned a lot.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:

1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.

2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!

3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the 'Web Poisoned' e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these 'poison' addresses to near zero. You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these 'poisoned' email addresses.

4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known 'extremists' and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!

5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.

6. All domains have been verified as valid.

=

Here's how to prepare Sweet and Sour Spammer:

1. Hunt the eerie little shit using a dollar bill as bait.

2. Next, kill it! Use whichever method you want: suffocation, decapitation, poison, AIDS or even 500 stabs to the kidneys.

3. Time to fill our dead spammer!
Slice it open using a chain saw and remove insides with a spoon. Fill the empty cadaver with EXPLOSIVES, a zillion dead red-ants and fleas, mayo-dip, fried sea-weeds, turkey dressing, some dried olives, dental floss, a handful of poison oak leaves, deer excrement and lard for some extra aftertaste.

4. Next, make the sauce: Boil some red wine in a pot; gradually add 40cc of your own spit (Sweet) and pee (Sour). Slowly stir for 40 seconds. NOTE: Add some more beverages (like soda) or even standard water to maintain moisture.

5. Insert the dead stiff in the oven for 200 minutes in 3000F degrees, or wait 'till the oven explodes. Finally, pour sauce and sprinkle some sesame seeds.

6. Serve cold to your sworn enemies.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE IN CASE OF ANY MAIL PROBLEMS!
=
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a porn-spammer ninny
And slime, so FUCK YOU!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Gibson, "The Patriot" =
He is promoting battle!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Got actual erotica services.
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
Our static, erotic cleavages.
It's our erotic cleavages act.
Covet a girl: "A cute, erotic ass!"

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Jack be Nimble
Jack be Quick
To See the Hottest Porn
You Have to Click

http://www.smutserve.com

=

Jerk be Shitty
Jerk be Sick
Love-Act? Cum-Bath?
No! Shove a Stick!

http://www.CuteEloquentPoem.com

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three anagrams of A Daughter of Eve by Christina Georgina Rossetti

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner =
Try a cartoon duel where none die!

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Winter Nightfall by Robert Bridges

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
OLD FRIENDS
OLD CLASSMATES
MILITARY BUDDIES
DEADBEAT DADS & MOMS
SIBLING'S
RELATIVES
LOST LOVED ONES
WITNESS LOCATING
=
LAME MORONS,
SAD CRETINS,
BAD-ASS IDIOTS,
BRAIN-DEAD CLODS,
EVIL DOLTS,
VAIN DWEEBS,
SILLY OLD GITS,
FALSE NET-DUMMIES:
Get lost.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Da Vinci: Artist left protégés the best gem, 'Mona Lisa'.
Van Gogh: Became mad; titles 'Self Portrait' - it is tense.
Michelangelo: Artist's 'Pieta' met finest, bravest god.
Matisse: Five Trotting Girls became the top 'La Danse'.
Monet: Aged master's soft 'Lilies' brighten, captivate.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Antidemocratic =
Dictator came in.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent.
=
           A Nice Ode
Shit-I'm-Creepy Vermin-Food,
Please pal, I ain't in the mood.
Ads again?! Leave or find, nut,
My foot in yer ninny butt!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's look at some of the top-grossing cinematic features in the USA: =
'Titanic': The film gets cute as Rose lets go of one Romeo at a sunk ship...
'Forrest Gump': So, a nice stooge, a *fool*, is the luckiest man in the state?!
'Home Alone': Nice tot gets (then uses) gifts - mutilates a pair of crooks!
'The Lion King': Animators use computer tool-sets; see 'Cat Fights a Foe'.
'E.T.': Focus on a cute alien's task to go "Phone Home". I stress it - great film!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Several treatments of a pair of acrostic poems, one by Carroll to a friend and one by Poe's ill wife to her husband.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles Dickens's 'Oliver Twist' =
The classic writer's kids' novel!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Snow White's Nasty Adventures', The X-Rated Video =
Sexy tart does in-and-out with the seven dwarves!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
T E S T I M O N I A L S *******

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with: [An 18th century composer]
Giovanni Pergolesi =
I love opera singing!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Did you know only these three motion pictures won the five most valuable and prestigious Academy Awards? =
'It Happened One Night': Mousy runaway heiress (diva Claudette Colbert) soaks a wonderful movie's witty mood.
'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest': Wild guy tries to start a mutiny in a madhouse. Movie is hard and bawdy, people!
'The Silence of the Lambs': A murderous, devouring Lecter (Hopkins) dupes a woody SWAT team on a way to divinity.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George Meredith: Love in the Valley

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Ten-Inch Dick =
Nice and thick!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Spamagram: The Raven

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:

By the time you have read the enclosed program, you may have concluded that an amateur could not have created such a legal program that works.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for 10 years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working. Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was the economy. Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been with us since 1945.

I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rates...because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before.

The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The traditional methods of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that.

=

AN ENRAGED RESPONSE TO THIS UNFORGIVABLE WEB OFFER:

Hi, unworthy beggar. By the time you read this my cugine may already be on his way to your apartment to gut you and then dance on the mutilated corpse.

Let me mention my name, fucker. I'm Don Tito "The Gravedigger" Vampari. I'm Italian and have a very loving, real *devoted* family. We settled here in the United States to sell, uh, wool-clips and nose-powder.

Now, only 'cause Tito takes care of business every day doesn't mean Tito can't surf the net a little bit at night, right? Wrong. See, some fucking idiot gets in Tito's way when he surfs with his goomah and makes him unhappy - and datsa you.

Well, I'll be honest- we're no strangers to spam. Our dear friend and peer, Ton "The Velvet Glove" Reelilocco, the lord have mercy on his soul, explored the web-shakedowns occupation for a while. He forgot, however, that Vin "The Milkman" Eatcheerios had his hands on the whole web shit for ages. Now Ton has a pair of cement shoes and greets the fish from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Wanna be a wise guy? Fuck off or I'll turn your pisello into my Rottweiler's lunch. COPPISH?!

Wrathful,
Don Vampari

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dora Sigerson: Ireland

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal Shakespeare Company =
One may appear there as Shylock.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Take a minute to fill out the simple form below and receive a quote comparing the best values from among hundreds of the nation's top insurance companies!

First Name:

Last Name:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip:

Phone:

Best Time To Call:

Email:

Gender:
-Male
-Female

Date of Birth:

Type of Insurance:

Insurance Amount:

Do You Currently Own An Annuity?
-Yes
-No

Would You Be Interested in Annuity Information?
-Yes
-No

Height:

Weight:

Tobacco Use:
-Never smoked or used nicotine
-Quit less than 1 yr ago
-Quit 1-3 yrs ago
-Quit 3-5 yrs ago
-Quit over 5 yrs ago
-Currently smoke cigarettes
-Other nicotine use-cigars/pipe/chew/patch

Health Status:
-Excellent: trim and athletic, no medications
-Good: no infirmities and no medications
-Fair: slightly overweight or taking medication
-Poor: have/had a serious health condition

Health conditions?
-Yes
-No

Prescription medications?
-Yes
-No

Do you engage in any hazardous activities? (i.e.scuba, skydiving, private pilot, etc.)
-Yes
-No

Did your parents or siblings have heart disease or cancer prior to age 60?
-Yes
-No

=

Quoted from the NRA Application Questionnaire:

Name:

Tattoos:

Farm/Oilfield:

Age:
-Under 15
-Over 63

Education:
-High School
-Other?!?!

Monthly Gun-Budget:
-Over a hundred G's
-Over nine hundred G's
-Unlimited

Are You a Man?
-Yes
-Shit, yes
-No, but I'm becomin' one next week

Are You a Republican?
-Yes
-Sure
-Obviously

Complete this sentence: "Immigrants are..."
-Quite sweet
-A menace to our country
-Target practice

Complete this sentence: "A paranoid is..."
-Insane
-An imaginative man
-Always prepared

Most Prized Possession:
-A boycotted dynamite load
-10 D.U.I. reports
-A dagger collection
-A '53 Dodge

A Movie/TV Icon:
-Rocky I
-Rocky II
-Rocky IV
-The Three Stooges

Which of these phrases is 'Politically Incorrect'?
-Nosy Chinks
-Spotty Niggers
-Pansy-Ass Faggots
-Voodoo Indians
-Lovely Nazis
-Gee, ain't nuttin' here politely incorrected

You can intermit a theft by...
-Alertin' a squad car
-Needlin' each of the bastard's eyes
-Forcin' the demon to eat his own gonads

It's wrong to hunt...
-If the animal is unique
-If I run out of ammunition
-This isn't a realistic situation.

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peace by Henry Vaughan, anagrammed into paraphrases of three existing poems also related to roses.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Butler Yeats =
Sit, write me a lullaby.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nude Modelling =
Indulge old men.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
[A selection of Caravaggio-related anagrams.]

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio =
I color image in grave, magical shade.
O, each allegoric image is raving mad.
Mad vision? Ah, image allegoric grace.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'Judith and Holofernes' =
Oh, a vein's ejaculating, flooding her, as her old maid grimaces.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'David and Goliath' =
'A Clad Child Removing a Giant Rival's Head' is a good image.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Entombment of Christ' =
Ah, face highest, tragic moment - 'Immortal Savior Being Enclosed'.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Conversion of Saint Paul' =
One eager horse clumps along at a magical vision of a divine Christ.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Crucifixion of Saint Peter' =
Ah, massive piece of a grim execution. Again, terrific colors and light!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband Leonard

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Search for Osama Bin Laden Proves Difficult =
A darn problem - US forces fail to find his cave!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Seven Eleven Incorporated =
Open it and never ever close!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Everlast: What It's Like

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mother of a 15 year old boy was cleaning and putting laundry away when she came across a large brown paper bag that was suspiciously buried beneath some clothes and a skateboard in the back of her 15-year-old son's closet. Nothing could have prepared her for the shock she got when she opened the bag and found it was full of cash; five dollar bills, twenties, fifties and hundreds - all neatly rubber-banded in labeled piles.

"My first thought was that he had robbed a bank," says the 41-year-old woman, "There was over $71,000 dollars in that bag\'85.. that's more than my husband earns in a year." The woman immediately called her husband at the car dealership where he worked to tell him what she'd discovered. He came home right away and they drove together to the boy's school and picked him up. Little did they suspect that where the money came from was more shocking than actually finding it in the closet.

As it turns out, the boy had been sending out via E-mail on the Internet a type of 'chain-letter' to E-mail addresses that he got off of the Internet. Everyday after school for the past 2 months, he had been doing this right on his computer in his bedroom.

=

Two days later the parents recovered another bag labelled "Hot Chicks Get Hosed By Old Guys", with cheap photos and bootleg tapes. "Ah, Bobby's an adult!" his mother grinned, while his father reacted, "That's true, he's mature now. We all have fantasies, like, oh, deep anal fun with Thatcher."

The caring parents still defended him when he hacked into the phone company's mainframe and then into four city banks. "Well, calling him 'charlatan' or 'corruptive' is a bit harsh," the boy's mother remarked, "Nobody's perfect. He's no Unabomber... yet." "Oh, he's obviously grown up," his dad deduced, "Learning a vocation is a significant thing. He promised us he'd get off his butt and 'make money' and he sure did, down in his basement. Those notes were perfect, utterly identical to five and twenty dollar bills! What a craftsman."

After the boy ran an illegal pyramid scheme, a sour mob stormed the house. "Oh, what a lovely boy!" the mother was heard yelling in the riot as the angry mob smashed the front door, "Hundreds of fans line up to see him! What a great lad!!!" "Hey, at least he has a good taste," added the boy's dad as they were about to be lynched, "After all, those chicks *were* hot!"

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: Ode on Melancholy

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A carton of cigarettes =
I got a taste for cancer.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Prince Harry Admits He Smoked Pot Regularly =
Royal drug-party is held? Man, the empire rocks!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You look rather nice in that dress =
(Or: "Thank you, Lord! I can see her tits!")

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Douglas Malloch: Be The Best of Whatever You Are

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The children's story of The Sleeping Beauty =
By a touch of these lips, I gently end her rest.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden =
Some DNA in a lab.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tight Blouse =
Oh, tits bulge!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You could tell Lori was proud of her body and she took care of it. From her wavy blond hair that feathered lightly in the breeze to her long and beautiful legs that drew appreciative glances. She was happy with the way she looked. She was proud of her flat stomach and firm breasts. Her nipples were large and she loved how they drew a man's attention when they poked through her blouse. Or in this case, her bikini top.

Lying in the hot sun, she worked a little more sunscreen into her nicely tanned shoulder and turned up her radio.

Lori was alone that day. Actually, she wasn't planning to be. Two days prior, she had broken up with her boyfriend over a petty thing. She knew that they'd probably work it out but she understood that they needed this time apart now. So she came to the beach anyway, not expecting anything.

She laid back on her towel, wishing that she and her boyfriend were there together, his arms around her, putting lotion on her skin. Her hands gently caressed her tummy and she suddenly realized that she was hornier than she thought.

Click here to read the rest of this naughty erotic story...

=

The noble prince halted. There, frozen on a marble plate, was the princess, achingly pretty. He puckered up, knelt down and...

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted the enraged woman.

"The legend, your Highness... woken by a light kiss on the lips -"

"Not THOSE lips, pervert!" the beauty answered. "Oh, dear god. They're all the same."

"Ah, I -"

"You think I don't read the fable-studies? How Little Red Riding Hood secretly longed for a rough badass to lurk in the shadows? But nobody was interested to learn why the wolf had to dress in *drag*. Not to mention the wanker with the shoe-fitting fetish. A closet-case, no doubt."

"Eh... er...," voiced the prince, the bulge in his pants replaced by a lump in his throat.

"Think the real Rapunzel threw her braids down for someone to climb UP? She shaved her head and used her hair to climb DOWN the tower. Why do you think she grew it - What's your name, baby?"

"Ah, Thor."

"Yeah, right. What's your REAL name?"

"Harry," the prince stated shyly.

"Aha. Have to french a stiff's twat to get a sexual rush, Harry?"

"Ah, no... so sorry," the prince uttered and ran away.

"Thanks for nothing," said the princess wearily. "Rotten necrophile."

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Colors

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Amish are known worldwide for their simple lifestyle and their quality workmanship. Amish Loom Works combines these two qualities together in the "Original Amish Loom™".

The Amish Loom™ is a unique, handmade, easy to use product made of Northern Michigan native hardwoods--Mountain Ash with Hickory twig handles and Hickory pegs. It is designed to create high quality sweaters, scarves, throws, rugs and other hand-made products.

The Amish Loom™ is a hand craft folk art that enables knitters, beginners, hobbyists, professional weavers and textile designers to do many type of traditional off-loom weaving and knitting with greater accuracy and simplicity than ever before. The Amish Loom™ makes it possible for even the most experienced weaver/knitter, or someone with no handicraft experience and no particular manual dexterity, to make beautiful, stylish clothes and decorative accessories. It is fast and easy to design your own pieces, and patterns. It is easy to size garments, and it is easy to learn a basic collection of various stitches quickly.

=

Lord's blessing, my child. I'm Sister Mary Mcbaine and I'm quite ready to sit on your hard cock.

Indeed, after a lifetime of harmless piety, we understand now that the only way to appeal to millions is through raw, sacral sex. Oh no, it's not sick sarcasm or a cynical gimmick; We're really tight on cash.

The New Catholic Church invites you to the pretty Baroque monasteries for a feast of holiness, redemption and erotic massages. Come violate the professed sisters and go straight to heaven! Hump timid, hesitant virgins with silk-like skin or passionate novices who took a vow of tenacity! Find out why it's called the 'missionary' position! Ask for the anointment-and-bondage mix to maximize and quicken the orgasm! We even got a night of paradise for women with the Latin-Tongue Class and some dirty, wild-spirited fun with the Big Hermit.

You can also buy the special illustrated edition of the Perversions Creed, or rent quality X-rated tapes like 'Altar Slave Three', 'Bitches on Quakers' and 'A Firm Ass in Mass'!

Remember, God has created the woman naked and moist... as are we, under the habits.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pink: Get The Party Started

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oxford English Dictionary =
I find thy lexicon's rather good.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Beatles: Across the Universe

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Faintheartedness =
Sensed fear in that.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mean doings ~
in God's name.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Actress Pamela Anderson =
Neat rear, and chest's so ample!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(This e-mail was distributed on the internet after the September Eleven events)

My family owns an ambulance service in Brooklyn NY. Midwood Ambulance if anyone knows it. Anyway, my uncles were at "Ground Zero" during the attack to help the victims. They donated their time to help with this crisis as many New Yorkers did. A great deal of people were in shock from the devastation. As many of you know, shock victims are supposed to drink a lot of water. My uncle went to the Starbucks down the street to get bottles of water for the victims he was treating. Can you believe they actually charged him for it!! He paid the $130 for 3 cases of bottled water out of his own pocket. Now, I would think that in a crisis such as this, vendors in the area would be more than happy to lend a little help by donating water. Well, not Starbucks! As if this country hasn't given them enough money! Anyway, the point of this story wasn't to glorify my uncle's actions but to suggest a boycott on Starbucks. Now, I love Frappaccinos as much as anyone, but any company that would try to make a profit off of a crisis like this doesn't deserve the American public's hard earned money. Please forward this e-mail to any one you know and encourage them to do the same.

Thank you!

=

(This signed letter was sent to 'The Papacy')

Kind and Loving Pope,
I'm a Roman Catholic Altar Boy from a Southern Catholic town. Well, for starters, I'm a great fan, and you have my everlasting love, but love doesn't cut it for me ever since last April. No offence, but the new priest you sent here is total crap.
My friend Wayne got two bucks from him. I saw it! He put Wayne's hands in his own front pockets and trembled or whatever...
*Two bucks*! I never got so much as a *cent*!
Two days later Wayne told me the priest bought him a toy Action Truck for another little round. God Almighty, I want nice toys too! I saw a kickass bunny yesterday but mom says it costs a lot so we can't buy it.
Then I asked the priest if I can get a new toy too, and he said my hands were unclean! Okay, so I'm often sick with the flu; My nose's sort of runny and *once in a while* I wipe it with the back of my hand. So what? Is sneezing a reason to blow me off? That's plain cruel.
Now I know he likes touching my butt after hymns, and the other day he offered me to 'kneel and devour his potency' (whatever that meant), but I prefer the pocket-game and a toy. So could you please teach our priest to behave? Thanks in advance.

Yours truly,
Tommy Mendes

P.S. Holy wine is cool, but 'Body of Christ' tastes like diarrhea.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Chairman Gates =
Mega-rich Satan.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'Madonna Mia', anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic on the author's name. Also, reading down the second-last words of each line reveals a fitting quote (also by Wilde).

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
Face in scary portrait grew old, hideous.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WorldCom, The Latest in Giant-Scale Fraud =
False accounting did harm to Wall Street.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Weird Workplaces

Perth, Australia, brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy closed down for a day on April 30 because the influx of 5,500 U.S. Navy personnel on shore leave had left her workforce worn out. "We're the biggest and the best," she said, "(and) I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service." She added, "I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a thousand (in) at a time." (The Bremerton (Wash.) Sun carried a wire-service version of this story but later apologized for it to its readers since many Navy families in the Bremerton-Seattle area apparently did not appreciate learning this news.) [The Mercury (Hobart, Australia), 5-3-02; The Age (Melbourne), 5-2-02]

=

Even Weirder Workplaces

A source reported yesterday that all of the presidential personnel had asked for an early retirement, describing their job as 'inhumane'.
Not long ago, the staff secretary was rumored to 'weep like a baby' when the president asked if 'Arab' can be a verb, too. Recently, Bush had to spend hours with a trainer to properly say "Every little bit of effort counts", after a sad incident of mispronouncing 'war', 'terror' and 'USA' in his State of the Union address. His whim to raise morale by hiding fake vomit all over the White House drew no laughs.
"Um, anyone still have anthrax?", a crazed intern was cited; "Hell, anywhere but here."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
9 Rooms - A Paradoxical Poem

 

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we keep the relationship open? =
(OK, I can sleep nude with other people!)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
An Enigma, by Edgar Allan Poe

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare: Sonnet XIV

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Bond Girls =
Blondes, right?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Saddam Hussein =
Pinhead resists US demand.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Department of Motor Vehicles =
Led to the improvement of cars.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
INCREASE THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY BY 27% WITH A SIMPLE PILL. - GUARANTEED - FDA APPROVED - The same type of research that created miracle drugs like Viagra, has now created a revolutionary herbal pill that can increase that certain part of the male body by 27% in a few short weeks by simple taking two capsules of Extenze a day, no prescription required.
Over a million and half capsules are being taken every month by men all over the world. This number increases every day as more and more men discover this revolutionary product. Simply try these Amazing pills for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With this guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale! This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day.
OUR UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE:
Simply try it for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With our guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale!

=

Top sixteen ways that might make your teensy-weensy prick look larger:

16. Sneak a full, wide-rimmed water bottle into a men's-room stall. Close the door. Wait for a 'crowd' to pass by and empty it loudly down the toilet. Unzip and step out, proudly.

15. Embed bits of magnifying glass in strategic places on your shower-door. Yell to your friend you need a towel.

14. Find a small plunger and apply to your loins. Pump them for several minutes a day.

13. Spread rumors by whining to your buddy about itchy, binding underwear.

12. Say a prayer for a huge weiner. If praying won't do, demand reparation from the reverend.

11. The ol' 'Cucumber in the Hidden Pocket' never fails.

10. ...And for a limper version, try a pickle.

9. Take a vacuum cleaner. Squirm that tiny prick into the hose. Plug in cleaner.

8. Shave off your pubes. Duh.

7. Go find a decent mohel. Ask for the Extra Value Circumcision.

6. Show an interest in floppy, virile implants.

5. Pay a visit to a gypsy. Buy magic XL contraceptives.

4. Start a diet, but only in your pelvic area. If the background seems undersized, then by comparison...

3. Decrease the size of your testicles.

2. Slay every male anagrammer on the face of the earth.

1. Only date women with really small palms.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(An excerpt from a speech made by Bush on October the 7th:)

By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciless nature of its regime, Iraq is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Iraq remains the nature of the regime, itself. Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction." Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Saddam Hussein has dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront him as he grows even stronger and develops even more dangerous weapons? In 1995, after several years of deceit by the Iraqi regime, the head of Iraq's military industries defected. It was then that the regime was forced to admit that it had produced more than 30,000 liters of anthrax and other deadly biological agents. The inspectors, however, concluded that Iraq had likely produced two to four times that amount. This is a massive stockpile of biological weapons that has never been accounted for, and capable of killing millions.

=

(A few 'To Do' lists from the president's diary:)

Sat, Nov. 30

**Interview to Fox News**
Ramble on the sheer threat of Saddam's tyranny. Answer a hard query about the war with an unrelated anecdote. Misquote random writers.

Sun, Dec. 1

* Reveal to the nation 'The New, Bitchin' War on Terror'.

* Nickname Dick Cheney 'homey'.

Mon, Dec. 2

* Model a swift air raid on Iraq. Give Rumsfeld a wedgie.

* Trade lunches with Cheney. If caught, promise mom it was his idea.

Thu, Dec. 5

* Ask the wife to wear pigtail braids. If Laura agrees, convince Colin to do the same.

* Fight Senate to terminate sales tax on rodeo boots.

Fri, Dec. 6

**Daughters' birthday!** Get up late at night and assist them in finding the way to the bathroom. Flush once the heaving's done.

Mon, Dec. 9

**A visit of the enormous Israeli dude!** Make the place Wideass-Friendly.

* Pull wife's pigtails.

Wed, Dec. 11

* Pull Colin's pigtails.

Fri, Dec. 13

**Yee-ha! Iraqi Action Time!!!**
Gather strategists and assess possible tactics. Ask dad what's the Iraqi word for 'camel poop'.

Sat, Dec. 14

* Pull army out of Iraq. Make a speech to the nation on these foes' asinine cases of aggression and hostility, and the horrible perils of mass-destruction weapons.

* Drop an atomic bomb on Baghdad.

Mon, Dec. 16

* Shop for rodeo boots.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by children's author Shel Silverstein, anagrammed into a line-by-line ambigram.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Last-Minute =
Nuts! I'm late.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Don't get left behind. Don't let your computer go to waste. With *FREE* computer learning from Video Professor, you can get the skills you need to succeed. Whether you need office skills to get a new job or promotion, or simply want to help the kids with their homework or organize the family budget, Video Professor has the lesson just for you.

It's FAST! You'll be up-and-running in an hour or less! Don't waste time sifting through those big, thick manuals. Commuting to classes or seminars is a waste of your time and money. Just pop in the CD-ROM and you're learning! It's EASY!

=

Do you feel ridiculously idiotic? Do friends often name you 'That Moron'? Then you MUST visit the Forrest Gump School for Slack-Jawed Yokels!!!

Only HERE can the young twits and idiots:
* Get straw-chewing tips!
* Sign for the groundbreaking 'Hi, My Name Is Forrest Gump, People Call Me Forrest Gump' seminar!
* Be a part of The Forrest Gump Theatre hit-show, "When Life Gives You Lemons"!
* Wear stupid little beanies and snooze all day!

No books! No homeworks! No studying! No teeth! Join the ultimate Forrest Gump courses *TODAY* - The tuition here is just two roosters and one corn cob!!!

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A verse of a poem by Oscar Wilde, anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic square on the author's name.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Sambrooke Leigh: The Twins

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Literature for blind persons =
Friends turn prose to Braille.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for. (Albert Camus) =
Er, oil?... Is 'Great barrels of crude oil' a term unknown to that Frenchy? (G.W. Bush)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: Listening

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A cheap motel =
Place to...*ahem*.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One Splendid Demonstration of ESP

1. Pick a number from 1 to 10.
2. Multiply it by 9. Add the digits of the result together. Subtract 5.
3. Assign a letter to the answer you have (A=one, B=two, etc).
4. Think of a country that begins with this letter.
5. Think of an animal that begins with the second letter of the country.
6. What's a colour associated with the animal?
7. That's odd... see, there are no grey elephants in Denmark!

=

A Lesson In Fear

1. Repeat stages 1-3 in the trick above.
2. Think of the name of a cute bird that starts with that letter.
3. Imagine the snappy sound it makes. Go on.
4. Obtain the first letter of that sound. Think about a country which ends with the letter.
5. Try to dwell on the global menace its cold, sadistic leader presents.
6. Then, drift your hate towards the camel-humping demons...
7. Honey, you're now a bigot.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 117th sonnet anagrammed into three less-than-serious poetic renditions of famous texts by the bard.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Congressional Medal of Honor =
Hang on chest of one moral soldier.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mysterious rectal foreign bodies =
I used to force gerbils into my arse.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The president of Iraq, Saddam Hussein =
Press had to enquire if this man's dead.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A small bit from Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', Chapter VIII

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Countries of the Third World =
Tourist threw children food.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes =
So, can he solve the murder, folks?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The cartoon dad Homer Simpson =
That moron mopes and cries "D'oh!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Edwin Arlington Robinson: Richard Cory

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two celestial poems

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Disney's classic feature, 'Bambi' =
Baby deer in a film? It's a success!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
They are platonic friends =
(Pity I can't fondle her arse...)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Night

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every cloud has a silver lining"? =
No, such drivel is largely naive.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Eminem: Cleaning Out My Closet

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
76th Academy Awards Rules
For Distinguished Achievements During 2003

RULE ONE
AWARDS DEFINITIONS

1. Academy Awards of merit shall be given annually to honor outstanding achievements in theatrically-released feature-length motion pictures, and to honor other achievements as provided for in the rules and approved by the Board of Governors.

=

The heads of the Foundation for Taste in Cinema have devised an apology for any direct or indirect involvement in these sheer stupid movies:

Superman IV
Gigli
Dude, Where's My Car?
Armageddon
Urban Legends: Final Cut
All inane rubbish that features Adam Sandler
The odd Last Action Hero that ran an hour too long
Spice World

We're so very sorry.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
3 Angles to Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ballet position =
It shall be on tiptoe.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Middle East violence =
Evidence led to Islam.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A skirt chaser =
I track her ass.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President J.F.K. =
A frantic jerk sniped me

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Stonehenge, in the downland of Salisbury Plain =
Long boulders in an open field? Why, that's insane!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When I consider every thing that grows

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disturbance =
Unclear mind, at best.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Office of the Press Secretary, October 24, 2003]

The President's Ramadan Message

I send greetings to Muslims in the United States and around the world observing the holy month of Ramadan.

Ramadan is the holiest season in the Islamic faith, commemorating the revelation of the Qur'an to Muhammed. This month of introspection provides Muslims a time to focus on their faith and practice God's commands. Through fasting, prayer, contemplation, and charity, Muslims around the world renew their commitment to lead lives of honesty, integrity, and comion.

Throughout our history, people of different faiths have shaped the character of our Nation. Islam is a peaceful religion, and people who practice the Islamic faith have made great contributions to our Nation and the world. As Americans, we cherish our freedom to worship and we remain committed to welcoming individuals of all religions. By working together to advance freedom and mutual understanding, we are creating a brighter future of hope and opportunity.

Laura joins me in sending our best wishes. Ramadan mubarak.

George W. Bush
=
[Translation from Arabic of the actual message]

Could the camel-fornicator that finds our memo please it along to the People of Iraq?

Hi, Arab maggots! It's me, Mr. G. I just wanna inform you of them funds heading your way - and of the conditions them funds involve. Nope, our dime sure doesn't come cheap. There's a reason we're the world's richest nation, and I intend to maintain this title.

First: Give me my nuclear weapons back. Our army slaved on them top-notch pieces of arsenal; Saddam bought them from America for a fair price and promised to trigger them when we give him the order. Not only this traitor didn't come through, now you are claiming this prime nuclear goodness disappeared into thin air? C'mon, Donald begs for his uranium to return - be fair to him, the man can't live without it.

Second: Does the phrase 'Christ Is Your Friend' ring a bell? Get used to it.

And last one: Capitalism. Nuff said.

George

P.S. Laura is curious: why would someone want to celebrate the Ramada Inn? She reminded me of that night we spent there and got a stomach flu virus from their room service. I think she has a damn good point.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Correspondent ~
does CNN report.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President George W. Bush =
He needs grim war to bring us peace?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The recent Microsoft Windows update =
Few noticed it's the same worn product.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Anthology: The Best Of Michael Jackson

Disc 1

1. Got To Be There
2. Rockin' Robin
3. Ain't No Sunshine
4. Maria (You Were The Only One)
5. I Wanna Be Where You Are
6. Girl Don't Take Your Love From Me
7. Love Is Here And Now You're Gone
8. Ben
9. People Make The World Go 'Round
10. Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day
11. With A Child's Heart
12. Everybody's Somebody's Fool
13. Greatest Show On Earth
14. We've Got A Good Thing Going
15. In Our Small Way
16. All The Things You Are
17. You Can Cry On My Shoulder
18. Maybe Tomorrow
19. I'll Be There
20. Never Can Say Goodbye
21. It's Too Late To Change The Time
22. Dancing Machine

Disc 2

1. When I Come Of Age
2. Dear Michael
3. Music And Me
4. You Are There
5. One Day In Your Life
6. Make Tonight All Mine
7. Love's Gone Bad
8. That's What Love Is Made Of
9. Who's Looking For A Lover
10. Lonely Teardrops
11. Cinderella Stay Awhile
12. We're Almost There
13. Take Me Back
14. Just A Little Bit Of You
15. Melodie
16. I'll Come Home To You
17. If N' I Was God
18. Happy
19. Don't Let It Get You Down
20. Call On Me
21. To Make My Father Proud
22. Farewell My Summer Love

=

Reviews by the delighted customers:

"A bloody good job, Michael - so good that I neglected my web-surfing for a whole day!" (Pete Townshend)
"We love your work!" (N.A.M.B.L.A.)
"Oh my god, what a dreamy collection! Playing the album in my room really gets me in the mood to drive by a school" (Pee Wee Herman)
"Not bad, for a goy! Hearing your voice fetched cute memories of Soon-Yi when she turned eight" (Woody Allen)
"Love the groove, Mike my man! Ah hell, you are too cool for words. Oh, and thanks for your latest advice - teenage booties ARE an inspiration!" (R. Kelly)
"Please, allow me to e-mail a 'kudos' for a nugget of an album, Michael. I know we don't see eye to eye when it comes to gender, but I like the overall theme... And ignore the D.A. - he is such a killjoy" (Roman Polanski)
"A great treat by an immortal icon... Holier than the Holiest... We would be honored to send some boys your way as indication of our gratitude" (from a long note by several anonymous Catholic clergymen)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Magic by Shel Silverstein

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Casino hotels =
To lose cash in.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best-Selling Book in the World =
Still the Bible - God knew no others!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam Hussein, the Iraqis' former president =
A squad pried his ass from his retirement den.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Peter Jackson, the director of the LOTR series =
Three hits recreate Tolkien's Frodo projects.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Images from the NASA Spirit rover =
Impart great visions of Mars here.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Jonathan Swift poem, which can be presented as a riddle when its title is obscured, anagrammed (with a twist) into another riddle poem whose subject is hidden.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director Peter Jackson's 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' =
First of three long hits which respect the prose of long-dead J.R.R. Tolkien.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Smart

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"So, would you like to go up to my flat for some coffee?" =
"To follow, I must see you offer a *good* ploy to fuck me."

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Collection of Tragedies by William Shakespeare =
Weepy as I detail crises of Othello, Macbeth, King Lear...

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2004:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I saw fit to honor the Oscars, held a month ago, by extracting all 5 Best Picture nominees from the same base phrase. However, I couldn't ignore the Oscar's evil twin - The Golden Raspberry (or 'Razzie'), an award ceremony held 24 hours before the Oscars which dishonored the *worst* of 2003 cinema... The winners are at the bottom of each set.]

A list of the five films that are Academy Awards nominees in the Best Picture category: =
    A feisty MASTER AND COMMANDER gives life to the rich tale of the wisest captain Aubrey.
    Why, I see Murray's bit as a cheap-act made the gifted LOST IN TRANSLATION more effective.
    MYSTIC RIVER's genuine performances deal with that base idea of the state of calamity.
    View SEABISCUIT, my imperfect-yet-fine racehorse that ran to fame, against all the odds.
    A massive LORD OF THE RINGS finale piece, sated with beauty, came first at that ceremony.

A list of the five films nominated for the joke-award Golden Raspberry in the Worst Picture category: =
    Big, tragic Dr. Seuss rip-off CAT IN THE HAT transformed that loopy feline we love into a mere rowdy jerk.
    Another CHARLIE'S ANGELS trifle provided brisk joy of trampy women for the target audience of twits.
    At parts of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, even the best 'American Idol' fan grew tired of its weird choreography.
    The MTV-style THE REAL CANCUN joined the merry parties of Spring Break for raw footage of wild idiots.
    Reporters' reviews of our winner GIGLI say that the attempt of Ben Affleck and J-Lo at comedy is horrid.

[Also, to make these a bit more appealing, the above anagram sets were shaped as the actual symbols of these award shows:]

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Siberian tiger =
It is a rare being.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The impressionist landscape =
This sad place inspires Monet.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The White House Daily Press Briefing =
Hey, I air the lies of president G.W. Bush!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Her best asset =
These breasts!

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ironic by Alanis Morissette

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A sample from an Astrology site, anagrammed into 12 weekly predictions. I don't know if it comes through, but I'm not a fan of horoscopes.]

(Quoted from the Astrodienst site)
Introduction:
Astrology sees mankind as being not only influenced by hereditary factors and the environment, but also by the state of our solar system at the moment of birth. The planets are regarded as basic life-forces, the tools we live by as well as the basis of our very substance. These planetary forces take on different forms, depending on their zodiacal position and on the way they relate to one another.

=

Pisces:
A keen Mars settles above the Moon, so Neptune and Uranus may soon be in a very fiery trine, but it's not as dirty as it sounds.
On Friday, strolling in the street can be fatal, so better stay indoors and clip the letters off of the cover of a magazine to create terribly obscene death threats for the neighbor.
On Wednesday, you'll find the answer to the age-old question: What'll my employers do if I toss them to the floor and breakdance on their faces?

=

Aquarius:
Three terrific events shall bless your essence soon, so don't be daft and drop that razor blade. For now, Neptune's position alters all planetary alignments, which means it's fifteen beers before noon yet again.
It's best to take the advice of someone close to you and try to battle the obsession for Dan Aykroyd statuettes made entirely of lard.
The mystery of the vanishing cat ends when you trace the odor coming from behind the air filter.

=

Aries:
Not only do you let loved ones walk all over you, you grant a bag of cleat shoes beforehand. Quite oddly, Moon retreats and Mars settles in - can it afford rent?
On Monday, a teensy surprise is to be discovered where it's least anticipated, or you can take what's behind Curtain No. Three.
Note: A family member's consent to stay off booze feels less than honest in light of their arrest by the FBI for the attempt to baste the President in French dressing.

=

Scorpio:
Do your friends find the tendency to glorify Astrology "senseless"? Order a Personalized Star Chart! In a minute, every one of these boobs will tremble at your feet.
Soon, you'll note that your red car has been dented. Beat innocent pedestrians for catharsis.
At work, it seems that a 'confidant' has been squealing to the boss, so follow them around and take notes. If they spot it, baffle them by imitating a ferret, then advance on them assertively.

=

Sagittarius:
Do you often question horoscopes' earnestness? Order the Personalized Star Chart to destroy all brain matter left.
An instance that involves a red Toyota's steel fenders has benefits, no need to be frightened!
At work, a feeble-brained buffoon from your floor, at which you nodded maybe once, starts to stalk you, often settling behind the pillar by the elevators and emitting insane noises. If they come any closer, spray them with mace.

=

Gemini:
On Monday, it seems that Venus, affected by the Moon, shall retire to London, set up a toffee store and regress idly into senility.
Hobbies: In a bizarre turn of events, trying to dabble in Oriental stencil art shall set off an epidemic of yeast infections across North Dakota. You'll soon start to wonder if your seventh grade art teacher went for sarcasm when she heatedly equated your paper-mache tasks to "the best of the best done by Leonardo".

=

Libra:
An old flame resurfaces in your life, only to flee three seconds later, along with your mother's silverware and an autographed copy of 'Systems Analysis For the Incontinent' by the esteemed Dr. Typen Stainem.
On Monday, it'd be sad to see that Byron the Robot, created to conquer the world, is a rather bookish stiff that sports dozens of nose bleeds, but finding an attractive beret set of Einstein's valet in the flea market soothes you once again.

=

Virgo:
Your fate hosts bitterness, resentment and pain - Collect all three!
An amatory, flimsy offer leads to an unforeseen month of passion; that's a bit botched as one test proves that you're blood-related. Things slide even farther into the 'sordid' definition as it becomes quite clear that when you were a tender baby, they were bayonetting Nazis. Only some sort of freaky, stroke-inducing plan can end all of this, so you'd better do some research, fast.

=

Taurus:
Efforts to make deer season shorter are clearly done by the sissy-signs Libra and Virgo. Ah boy, I bet'ya that when the Lord handed out the best star icons, those seedy queers were last in line.
Soon, it'll be time to abandon UFO-spotting and marry the fondest of farmer Two-Toed Zeke's steers.
On Friday, cheery and ecstatic emotions blossom, till they prove to actually be the aftereffects of opening a can of paint thinner in an unventilated room.

=

Capricorn:
Soon, the ants and the rats will seize the entire flat; sadly, they'll take better care of it than you ever did.
Break the tense life of trying to bring Barbies and Cheetos to breed; Set off on a trip, but preferably one to a bolted institute. For now, the moon may retreat due to a squad of cows, dishes and spoons.
(So sorry if any of these are half-assed, even inane; I've lost my notes and had to consult smirches on my ceiling to summon the astral energy.)

=

Leo:
On Wednesday, you'll press the snooze button and stay in bed for another ten minutes. This may lead to your position at the Bagel factory being restaffed. Bereft, you'd enlist in the North Brooklyn Secret Cantors Clan for the Liberation of Iraq. After the clan's separate losses to a few tumbleweeds, you'd be stranded, sore and lost, in the Mohave desert. Salvation may come in the shape of Syrian officers giving the directions to the nearest K-Mart.

=

Cancer:
Certain events shall stir emotions, and may even lead to actions, but that's not written in stone. Annoying flyers on your windshield might boast too many barren offers, and theatres might boast profane sequels.
The color for today - Borscht-Red, and the active planet - oh, let's say the globe.
It would often seem that your life breezes by, like a 'Friends' teaser, yet treads on the same spot, like a 'Friends' episode.
Oh, and you're out of fabric softener.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cigarette machines =
The aim is 'Get cancer'.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic Games in Athens =
Ah, hasten! Gym is incomplete!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator Kerry claims that Bush's foreign policy is "Ineffective" =
So sorry if I'm coarse, but try asking if the chief can even *spell* it.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Tribute to the Month of May

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President Ronald Wilson Reagan =
A real moron, in acting AND western leadership.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 19

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft products =
Third of computer's cost...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The new Bond girl in Lee Tamahori's 'Die Another Day' =
I admit, I had to see renowned Halle Berry in a thong!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
If by Rudyard Kipling

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The DreamWorks Studio =
Our team did two 'Shreks'.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstinence Education Program =
Campaigned to ban intercourse.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by Wilde about Shelley; one by Shelley about Wordsworth; one by Wordsworth about Milton; and one by Milton about Shakespeare

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A speeding car =
Daring escape!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ceiling murals of the Sistine Chapel =
Hail Michelangelo's finest pictures!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Ha! What's this keenly benign mood you're in?" =
"I blew my nose into the hand you're shaking!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet Number Two by William Shakespeare

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The bikini model =
"I'm, like, hot in bed!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Apocalypse Now' =
How Coppola eyes Vietnam.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bill Clinton, the former president of the USA =
On reflection, I'd still prefer the man to Bush!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Expect online terrors from it.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mad Hatter's question to Alice: "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" =
Ah, I got it! I created an answer: "It seems the two have inky-dark quills!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 76th sonnet anagrammed into a paraphrase (up to a point), its theme being the Baconian controversy

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ingredients of a McDonald's Shake =
Gee, that's odd - a scan finds no 'Milk' here.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Remember me when I am gone away

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
General A. Pinochet =
Great Chilean? Nope.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The airport security guard =
Stretch a digit up your rear.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Coins kept ~
in pockets.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
I spot one giant flaw here...

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles to wed Camilla Parker Bowles on April Eighth =
Pale old Brit will plan marriage? So, who the heck CARES?!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar nominees for Best Motion Picture: 'Sideways', 'Million Dollar Baby', 'Finding Neverland', 'The Aviator', 'Ray' =
Meet a sad vino-lover, an ambitious fighter, a children's writer, a simply intense flyboy - and a blind crooner, too!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The art of seduction =
Need that for coitus.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A trained sushi chef =
He's a tuna-fish dicer!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Travel Guide To London' =
I'd love to tour England!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Chicago millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett =
See, this noted flier loves to circumnavigate Earth!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eastern Africa =
A safari center.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A news story clip from the DeHavilland website]

The Queen will miss the civil wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

As the prince and Mrs Parker Bowles wished to keep the occasion a "low-key" affair, the Queen would honour their plans and stay away, the palace said.

But the sovereign intends to join the congregation at a church blessing service led by the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams in St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle, following the civil wedding, the spokesman added.

=

Top Ten Reasons The Queen Is Ditching Charles and Camilla's Wedding:

10. Her corgis will have to be spayed for it.
9. She doesn't want to be the Belle of the Ball.
8. She saw Camilla's frock.
7. She saw Charles' frock.
6. Gift-wrapping a bag of dry Kibble can be trickier than it appears.
5. She planned a craved tryst with a suicide machine.
4. She planned to drunkenly mount a sad old equine of her own.
3. Interviewing dirty hunchbacks to man Camilla's position in Notre Dame will have her occupied.
2. Swallowing the Crown Jewels will have her occupied.
1. She's opposed to gay marriage.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Keats, anagrammed into three poems each in the style of different poet

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Clint Eastwood ~
also wants to direct.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
London's Westminster Abbey =
One wanders by silent tombs.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', directed by Steven Spielberg =
It's a biblical trove from God they seek, preserved in the desert.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
An excerpt from The Parson's Tale

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The legal profession =
One gets help of liars.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam pictures in 'The Sun' =
Captured this man's undies.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The indicted singer Michael Jackson =
"Get in, scared child! Join me in the sack!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Parisian street =
A painter sits there.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: A Birthday

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nude resorts =
There to undress!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes =
OK, is the romance simulated?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US astronaut Neil Alden Armstrong =
Let's send this great man on a lunar tour!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In regard to his social security plan, Bush's stated that he 'remains undeterred'. =
He then burst into a manic laughter and told his press secretary: "See, I said TURD."

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bonnie Parker & Clyde Barrow =
Known pair declare: "Robbery!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Top 20 picks of AFI's jury members for the most popular and lingering key quotes in motion picture history:

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." (Casablanca)
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" (Network)
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (White Heat)
17. "Rosebud." (Citizen Kane)
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" (In the Heat of the Night)
15. "E.T. phone home." (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial)
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon)
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." (Love Story)
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." (Apocalypse Now)
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate." (Cool Hand Luke)
10. "You talking to me?" (Taxi Driver)
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (All About Eve)
8. "May the Force be with you." (Star Wars)
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." (Sunset Boulevard)
6. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)
5. "Here's looking at you, kid." (Casablanca)
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." (The Wizard of Oz)
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." (On the Waterfront)
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)
1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone with the Wind)

=

Oh, a neat list of lines - but to even things out, I want to nominate 20 entries for the most *heinous* film extract ever:

20. "Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?" (Armageddon)
19. "This is why Superman works alone." (Batman & Robin)
18. "The rat is the cleanest one." (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II)
17. "You ooze, you lose." (Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie)
16. "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu!" (Howard The Duck)
15. "I came here to study the great American art of muff diving." (Van Wilder)
14. "Move the feet to the left, you're in my shot." (the Paris Hilton video)
13. "Die, stuffed ball of fluff!" (Death to Smoochy)
12. "I had no idea you could blow like that." (Glitter)
11. [Many men and women vomit at a funeral] (Mafia!)
10. "Grab my belly and make a wish." (Kazaam)
9. "Huh?" (Dude, Where's My Car?)
8. "I always wanted to cornhole me a blind chick." (The Toxic Avenger)
7. "Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"?" (Spice World)
6. "They make my penis sneeze." (Gigli)
5. "It's turkey time! Gobble Gobble!" (Gigli)
4. "Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags." (The Attack of The Killer Tomatoes)
3. "I'm the king of the world!" (Titanic)
2. "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango." (Battlefield Earth)
1. "One thing's sure - Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible." (Plan Nine from Outer Space)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: To My Brother George

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The medical profession =
Help to confirm disease.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world." =
And if a man tries to rationalize force to conduct wars, it shows us he is George Bush.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is Charles Lamb's poem about a baby's death, anagrammed into a poetic paraphrase of Chekhov's story 'Sleepy' -
which adopts a different perspective.

**Warning** Nothing rude in the anagram, but it's of a disturbing nature.

On an Infant Dying as Soon as Born
Charles Lamb

I saw where in the shroud did lurk
A curious frame of Nature's work.
A flow'ret crushed in the bud,
A nameless piece of Babyhood,
Was in a cradle-coffin lying;
Extinct, with scarce the sense of dying;
So soon to exchange the imprisoning womb
For darker closets of the tomb!
She did but ope an eye, and put
A clear beam forth, then strait up shut
For the long dark: ne'er more to see
Through glasses of mortality.

Riddle of destiny, who can show
What thy short visit meant, or know
What thy errand here below?
Shall we say, that Nature blind
Check'd her hand, and changed her mind,
Just when she had exactly wrought
A finish'd pattern without fault?
Could she flag, or could she tire,
Or lack'd she the Promethean fire
(With her nine moons' long workings sicken'd)
That should thy little limbs have quicken'd?
Limbs so firm, they seem'd to assure
Life of health, and days mature:
Woman's self in miniature!
Limbs so fair, they might supply
(Themselves now but cold imagery)
The sculptor to make Beauty by.
Or did the stern-eyed Fate descry,
That babe, or mother, one must die;
So in mercy left the stock,
And cut the branch; to save the shock
Of young years widow'd; and the pain,
When Single State comes back again
To the lone man who, 'reft of wife,
Thenceforward drags a maimed life?
The economy of Heaven is dark;
And wisest clerks have miss'd the mark,
Why Human Buds, like this, should fall,
More brief than fly ephemeral,
That has his day; while shrivel'd crones
Stiffen with age to stocks and stones;
And crabbed use the conscience sears
In sinners of an hundred years.

Mother's prattle, mother's kiss,
Baby fond, thou ne'er wilt miss.
Rites, which custom does impose,
Silver bells and baby clothes;
Coral redder than those lips,
Which pale death did late eclipse;
Music framed for infants' glee,
Whistle never tuned for thee;
Though thou want'st not, thou shalt have them,
Loving hearts were they which gave them.
Let not one be missing; nurse,
See them laid upon the hearse
Of infant slain by doom perverse.
Why should kings and nobles have
Pictured trophies to their grave;
And we, churls, to thee deny
Thy pretty toys with thee to lie,
A more harmless vanity?

=

Sleepy
(Based on a short story by Anton Chekhov)

A shoddy lantern lights the scene.
It's twenty after two o'clock
And nurse-maid Varka, aged thirteen,
Can hardly make the cradle rock.

Her eyelids droop, her fingers slip;
Sleep beckons, but she won't succumb.
Reminded of her master's whip,
She carries on her drowsy hum:

'Oh hush, my little baby, hush
So tender dreams come in a rush.'

The child is crying constantly.
As if bewitched, he won't calm down.
The hollers blend into a sea
In which poor Varka drifts and drowns...

She fights to rifle through the mist
And stumbles on a new display:
A crowd of nomads who persist
To wade along the muddy way.

And suddenly, the vagrants fall
Into the mud, two-inches deep.
"Oh - what's that rite for?", Varka calls.
"To sleep!", they answer her, "To sleep!"

A change of scene - she's in her hut.
Her father's twitching on the floor,
His fists are clenched, his eyes are shut.
A body no man can restore.

Her mother weeps, and by the door
The doctor frowns and seeks his horse.
A fright fills Varka's very core,
It hits her with a stunning force -

She's smacked and wakes. Her master fumes.
"Fie! Nodding off, you wretched thing?"
And in the window - daybreak looms,
To bode dull chores the morning brings:

To boil the tea and wipe the plates,
To fix the fence and mend a vest.
But no command can truly grate -
They get the mind off peaceful rest...

Her neck's quite stiff. Her temples throb.
She chuckles oft, though knows not why.
She calmly labors through each job
Until the day's last embers die.

The crib awaits at dinnertime.
The wee one airs his wail and moan
But now, the lines of Varka's rhyme
Are uttered in a blunted tone:

'Oh hush, my little baby, hush
So bitter dreams come in a rush.'

A flood of thoughts drives Varka mad:
Those drifters on the muddy way;
Her weeping mom and beaten dad;
A lifetime full of vile dismay.

What's keeping Varka tightly bound?
It nettles her; it taunts her so,
Until the simple answer's found.
It's him. The baby is the foe.

Ambition fuels her wearied pace:
One final chore to execute.
A pillow meets the infant's face,
Until the vicious foe is mute.

Then, as exhaustion overcomes,
She's more than willing to comply...
The room goes dim as Varka hums
Her slowly fading lullaby.

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Signboard =
Boring ads.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two anagrams of a sonnet by Wilde

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of masturbation
Ain't that a burst of come?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The trial of president Saddam Hussein =
It sure is hard to defend this man's plea.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
G.W. Bush, the American president =
The man's screwing it up bad here!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =

This guide is likely to be:

[ ] A little pedantic
[ ] Darn unconvincing
[ ] A totally tiresome torment
[*] All of the above.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Midsummer Night's Dream
All's Well That Ends Well
Anthony and Cleopatra
As You Like It
Coriolanus
Cymbeline
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Julius Caesar
Love's Labours Lost
King Henry IV
King Henry V
King Henry VI
King Henry VIII
King John
King Lear
King Richard II
King Richard III
Macbeth
Measure for Measure
Much Ado About Nothing
Othello, Moor of Venice
Pericles, Prince of Tyre
Romeo and Juliet
The Comedy of Errors
The Merchant of Venice
The Merry Wives of Windsor
The Taming of the Shrew
The Tempest
The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Timon of Athens
Titus Andronicus
Troilus and Cressida
Twelfth Night (What You Will)
Winter's Tale

=

The Divine Virtues of author William Shakespeare
He spoke of kings - yet he himself was one;
Engaged in rhyme for Love - and won much love.
In grave times he brought calm; in cold - the sun:
Main view where cheer's in but one thought thereof.
Might one small human crack his cunning skill?
Or, in an angry envy bound to fail,
Resort to fierce conceit and call this will
To pick on art profound, vast work to rail?
A certain error's found in here, methinks:
Like fine aged wine, 'tis not to madly stir,
But rather to enjoy this ancient drink
As welcome merit of our English sir.
Rejoice, all merry gems, with every part;
Delight my mind and justly claim my heart.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mike Newell's 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' =
Enthralling film, yet we prefer to read the books!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US comedian Seinfeld =
He's often induced a smile.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abusive relationships =
Pain? Bruises? I have lots.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
A damsel with a grin on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Elton's big day =
Not by a girl's side...

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

=

It might be gibberish to most
Yet brave, they all tend to agree:
How mad and droll a verse engrossed
With lingual whims may be!

More details and an image of the ambigram

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ang Lee's film 'Brokeback Mountain' ~
about menial farm blokes necking.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli PM Ariel Sharon =
He's in mortal peril, as I hear.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's sonnet 'E Tenebris' is anagrammed into 2 sonnets: one deals with heaven and the other with hell. The 3rd sonnet, which deals with the state of Man, is interwoven - which means it's comprised of the odd-numbered lines of the first anagram and the even-numbered lines of second; however, it ALSO is an anagram of Wilde's original poem.
Enjoy!


Come down, O Christ, and help me! Reach Thy hand,
For I am drowning in a stormier sea
Than Simon on Thy lake of Galilee:
The wine of life is spilt upon the sand,
My heart is as some famine-murdered land
Whence all good things have perished utterly,
And well I know my soul in Hell must lie
If I this night before God's throne should stand.
'He sleeps perchance, or rideth to the chase,
Like Baal, when his prophets howled that name
From morn to noon on Carmel's smitten height.'
Nay, peace, I shall behold, before the night,
The feet of brass, the robe more white than flame,
The wounded hands, the weary human face.

=

What splendid model of our Lord's honed art
Is Heaven, home to holiness and laughter;
Some, homely brethren and the pure of heart,
Toil often with their minds on this hereafter.
How harsh of Him to band some feelings shared
By few ones, while the sinning humans brace
The hollow need, the wrath and the despair -
And know no calm and no eternal grace!
Yes, human folk maintain duality,
But only one who'd master it shall heed
The chimes of angels, preaching piety
And species blooming from the cosmic seed;
These forces whole, in their most primal shape,
Will greet the faithful 'neath the milky cape.

=

Ah, deep within the mammoth core of Hell
Are human souls, their own fate contemplating;
Some - foolish slobs, whipped daily in a cell,
While others - heathens, chiefly bent on hating.
Among these halls roam watchers, who are feared
By holy man and hostile fiend alike:
Enormous hounds and pythons, always near;
All hidden, waiting for the cue to strike.
The mud, the fire and the shouts of men
Forever caught between these elements -
They feed the Tempter, roaring in his den
And demons' hollers, brimming with dissent.
The brink of Hell - this parted, horrid gape -
Shall form a doom which noone can escape.

=

What splendid model of our Lord's honed art
Are human souls, their own fate contemplating;
Some, homely brethren and the pure of heart,
While others - heathens, chiefly bent on hating.
How harsh of Him to band some feelings shared
By holy man and hostile fiend alike:
The hollow need, the wrath and the despair -
All hidden, waiting for the cue to strike.
Yes, human folk maintain duality,
Forever caught between these elements -
The chimes of angels, preaching piety
And demons' hollers, brimming with dissent.
These forces whole, in their most primal shape,
Shall form a doom which noone can escape.

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A plate of spaghettini =
Get a pile of thin pasta.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Danish newspaper cartoon angers the Muslims =
Seems a plain pen is much stronger than a sword...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
vice (noun):
1. Moral depravity or corruption
2. A moral fault or failing
3. A habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming.

=

vice president:
1. A common fill-in
2. Valued authority or motivator for a crucial hour
3. An arrogant old US bully firing at a pal.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MacArthur Park (Lyrics and music by Jimmy Webb)

Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed,
In love's hot, fevered iron
Like a striped pair of pants

I recall the yellow cotton dress
Foaming like a wave
On the ground around your knees
The birds, like tender babies in your hands
And the old men playing checkers by the trees

There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one.

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky.
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you
And wondering why.

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down...
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!=

Originally performed by Richard Harris, the weird ballad went to #2 on Billboard in 1968. In 1978, the Donna Summer update reinvented it and it ranked #1; Ever since, the eerie lines have been referred to as 'Worst Lyrics EVER'.
All-in-all I will agree, the awful lyrics indeed have a knack for inferior phrasing. However, I feel like further dwelling on the Wonderful World of Worst Ever Lyrics is needed:

"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time." (The verbal ingenuity of 'Van Halen')

"I'm drinkin' a soy latte \ I get a double shot-e \ It goes right through my body \ And you know I'm satisfied." (Madonna tries to rap)

"It's gettin' hot in here \ So take off all your clothes! \ I am gettin' so hot \ I wanna take my clothes off!" (Nelly's feeble plan works)

"I'm real \ Even on Oprah." (J-Lo fails to fake authenticity)

"He walks up to the closet \ He comes up to the closet \ Now he's at the closet \ Now he's opening the closet." (R. Kelly weaves a fine tale)

"Keep your head still \ I'll be your thrill \ The night will go on \ My little windmill." ('Blink 182' find a rhyming, if a wee bit awkward, nickname for a girlfriend)

"I woke up this morning with a bad hangover \ And my penis was missing again \ This happens all the time \ It's detachable." ('King Missile'. Well, I think we have a winner!)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd -