Anagrammy Winners by Meyran Kraus

All the winning anagrams by Meyran Kraus from the Anagrammy Awards.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 1998:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Beauty and the Beast =
Be nauseated by that.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Chevrolet =
Love the car!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Silicone Transplants =
Plan nicer tits on lass.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caravaggio's "The Decapitation Of Saint John The Baptist" =
An artist, he jots 'beheading of a chap'. It's too captivating!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" =
Stone's velvet pubic hair? Can sin!
Seen Sharon's cunt via pelvic bit.
Evil Sharon's cunt? Sin, be captive.
Is Sharon's pelvic bit (even a cunt!)
Be evil, inspect via Sharon's cunt.
'Pelvic Eve'- Sharon's cunt-bait? Sin!
Be in Sharon's active cunt, pelvis.
Her cunt's visible, is open & vacant.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Libyan desert =
Let's be in dry heat!

The Sahara desert =
Ass rather heated...

The Nubian desert =
Burned in the east.

The Gobi desert =
Be hot? Gets dire!

The Great Australian desert =
Gets real arid. Sun? Heat-treat!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"This is a one time mailing. You will not receive an e-mail from our company again. Thank you." =
"A tiny, illicit violation? Spamming me once? How generous of you! A real humanitarian..." Mey K.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WE DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE FOR DSS, SATELITE OR DIGITAL CABLE SYSTEMS AND DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FOR THEM ANY TIME SOON.
=
I exhibit a most annoying, ineffective spam that mentally-challenged nerds sent. A logo? "To Rob!"... Very sad. WAY too sad. It has to end!

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dangerous Narcotic =
Snort a drug - Cocaine.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
This "Hot", new, technology will also allow you to (realistically) make $2-5,000 in less than 30 days part-time! =
Hey, 'Netwit'! This totally cool anagram shall only cost you 500 dollars. Please mail it within 20-30 weeks.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =
Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sydney Pollack's Tootsie =
Testicles on lady? Spooky...

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The British Royal Wedding at Saint George's Chapel, Windsor =
Two rising 'English Trash', Edward & Sophie, celebrating today.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL?????

We process over $4 Billion in credit card transactions every year.
We have over 100,000 merchants online and growing.
We offer secured on-line real time transactions.
We offer 24 hour customer service 7 days a week in 17 different languages.
We offer complete training and installation through our technical support group.
We offer a life time warranty and unlimited upgrades.
We help make money for your company and your customers.

=

WHAT MAKES ME REALLY MAD?????

Fuckers who are in love with theirselves.
Spammers e-mailing feces.
Low-life wankers ruining our net.
Warts & acne covered nerds posting awful, used stuff to newsgroups.
Eerie Pyramid Scams.
"Our letter can change your life" crap.
A guarantee of "Double your money" or "$40 to $40,000".
Every annoying, coffee\acid\cocaine-user pervert starting a letter with "712 Pure Hardcore Porno Pics of 71 horny women..."

And a final one:

A moronic list I didn't want!

 

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Penthouse Centerfold =
No clothes? Nude, fare pet!
Pose half nude? Not erect!
Pose nude? Cheer- not flat!
See a cunt, fondle her top.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Little Boy and the Old Man

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, July 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
America's Funniest Home Videos =
'Amateur Comedies On VHS' is fine!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: [The lines uttered by Samuel L. Jackson in 'Pulp Fiction' whenever he had to kill a guy]
Ezekiel Twenty-five, Seventeen:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
=
From Tarantino's funny, violent (yet new-style) 'Pulp Fiction'. The intense, groundbreaking hit features over-dose, rape and seinfeldish dialogs, and presents a few well-known men as Travolta, Keitel, Roth, Walken and Stoltz. This biblical quote is spoken by the Bad Mother-fucker himself, Samuel L. He says it every time he has to off new men: "Here's the scene: When I guide the needy, the poor, the shy, you, lewd son of seventy whores, try to get in their way. The devil worshiper, indeed! Ohhhhhhh, I AM god... and you're heading down to hell."

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
No Working!!!!!
No Selling!
No Meetings!
No Dressing Up!
No Time Required!
No Telephone Calls!
No Running Around!
No Presentations!
No Face-To-Face Contact!
=
No Uncaring Internet Felons!!!!!
No "Quick-Cash, So Log On" Conning!
No "test ignore" Genre!
No Fraudulent Deception!
No Misrepresentation!
No Spam Allowed!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sylvia Plath: Words

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Garbageman =
Bag manager.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Robert Schumann =
Brahms' Nocturne.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
* BARELY LEGAL TEEN SLUTS
* LIVE SEX WITH SOUND
* OVER SIX THOUSAND VIDEO FEEDS
* UNLIMITED FREE VIDEO SEX
* HARDCORE CELEBRITY PICS
* TENS OF 1000s OF FREE HARDCORE PICTURES
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD'S BEST PORN SITE !!
YOU WANT IT ..... WE GOT IT .... ALL HERE - E V E R Y T H I N G !!
WE SURE HOPE YOU ARE CUMMING TO SEE US!
WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CLICK!!
http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/deplace1/index.html

=

* VIOLATION OF INNOCENT GIRLS
* EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS
* DIRTY MOVIES
* LOVELESS INTERCOURSE
* UNREAL VIPs FUCK
* EXTREMELY CHEAP PHOTOS
To low-duty buttholes:
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The world will be better if you didn't exist:
Where I read my messages without 161,000 lists...
Where Spam is beef...
Where children experience life, not torture...
Where twits get offed and go with god...
Where there is peace.

 

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The battle for Elian's custody =
Oh stay, little fostered Cuban!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You Can Easily Stop "Incurable" Herpes Outbreaks Now =
Ah, Can You Eat A Boner, Silly Web-Poster? Suck Our Penis!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
New York, USA =
You wankers!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
<seecups@excite.com>
Best Flesh in the West Found at this Tasty Site!!
No Bull At This Site--Just Raw and Pure Pleasure! Over 18 Only
http://3626174393/Pluto/aarne
=
I wish a jury of 12 poor, sexually used teens will sentence that obese pervert pest, cut his testicles and then put 1,837,439,366 tarantulas up his fat bottom.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's Capital =
Clean fact: Paris.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Ten Commandments, each anagrammed separately.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wearing a toupee =
I tape a wee rug on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Pope's speech in Israel, grieving for the Holocaust dead =
The perished group? He apologised for the Vatican's silence.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's an idea... (81058)
If you think FREE PORN on the net is hard to find, think again...
We've got thousands of FREE XXX pics and FREE VIDEOS waiting for you!
=
To (81058):
I *think* you pissed off the wrong person.
I won't visit an XXX site even if I had gonorrhea and you had a cure.
Here's a different ending: Take off!!!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
TRANSYLVANIA (IT) - Two attractive young women have disappeared while vacationing in the Transylvanian Mountains. Their garments have been found stained with partially digested blood and bat and human saliva. This and similar occurrences are causing international concern. Detective Iulia Popescu of the Transylvanian Police has concluded that the missing people are now slaves to the infamous Count Dracula.

Does this news article frighten you?

=

TEL-AVIV, ISRAEL - An unsuspecting (and cute) twenty-year-old opened his mail, only to discover tedious spam (Aaaahhh!) about an undead pervert in a Romanian castle. Tel-Aviv PD has confirmed it's a product of "Cruel net-thieves, biting the world-wide-web's veins, feeding on the innocent and persuading others ('WEALTH! CASH!!!') that electronic harassing is a normal activity that results in an actual financial uprise."

Will this anagram convince you to not annoy me again?

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Genital Warts =
Rinse twat, gal!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Inflammatory Bowel Disease =
My ass blew fire, I moaned a lot.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:

1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.

2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!

3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the 'Web Poisoned' e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these 'poison' addresses to near zero. You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these 'poisoned' email addresses.

4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known 'extremists' and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!

5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.

6. All domains have been verified as valid.

=

Here's how to prepare Sweet and Sour Spammer:

1. Hunt the eerie little shit using a dollar bill as bait.

2. Next, kill it! Use whichever method you want: suffocation, decapitation, poison, AIDS or even 500 stabs to the kidneys.

3. Time to fill our dead spammer!
Slice it open using a chain saw and remove insides with a spoon. Fill the empty cadaver with EXPLOSIVES, a zillion dead red-ants and fleas, mayo-dip, fried sea-weeds, turkey dressing, some dried olives, dental floss, a handful of poison oak leaves, deer excrement and lard for some extra aftertaste.

4. Next, make the sauce: Boil some red wine in a pot; gradually add 40cc of your own spit (Sweet) and pee (Sour). Slowly stir for 40 seconds. NOTE: Add some more beverages (like soda) or even standard water to maintain moisture.

5. Insert the dead stiff in the oven for 200 minutes in 3000F degrees, or wait 'till the oven explodes. Finally, pour sauce and sprinkle some sesame seeds.

6. Serve cold to your sworn enemies.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE IN CASE OF ANY MAIL PROBLEMS!
=
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a porn-spammer ninny
And slime, so FUCK YOU!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Gibson, "The Patriot" =
He is promoting battle!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Got actual erotica services.
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
Our static, erotic cleavages.
It's our erotic cleavages act.
Covet a girl: "A cute, erotic ass!"

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Jack be Nimble
Jack be Quick
To See the Hottest Porn
You Have to Click

http://www.smutserve.com

=

Jerk be Shitty
Jerk be Sick
Love-Act? Cum-Bath?
No! Shove a Stick!

http://www.CuteEloquentPoem.com

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three anagrams of A Daughter of Eve by Christina Georgina Rossetti

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner =
Try a cartoon duel where none die!

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Winter Nightfall by Robert Bridges

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
OLD FRIENDS
OLD CLASSMATES
MILITARY BUDDIES
DEADBEAT DADS & MOMS
SIBLING'S
RELATIVES
LOST LOVED ONES
WITNESS LOCATING
=
LAME MORONS,
SAD CRETINS,
BAD-ASS IDIOTS,
BRAIN-DEAD CLODS,
EVIL DOLTS,
VAIN DWEEBS,
SILLY OLD GITS,
FALSE NET-DUMMIES:
Get lost.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Da Vinci: Artist left protégés the best gem, 'Mona Lisa'.
Van Gogh: Became mad; titles 'Self Portrait' - it is tense.
Michelangelo: Artist's 'Pieta' met finest, bravest god.
Matisse: Five Trotting Girls became the top 'La Danse'.
Monet: Aged master's soft 'Lilies' brighten, captivate.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Antidemocratic =
Dictator came in.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent.
=
           A Nice Ode
Shit-I'm-Creepy Vermin-Food,
Please pal, I ain't in the mood.
Ads again?! Leave or find, nut,
My foot in yer ninny butt!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's look at some of the top-grossing cinematic features in the USA: =
'Titanic': The film gets cute as Rose lets go of one Romeo at a sunk ship...
'Forrest Gump': So, a nice stooge, a *fool*, is the luckiest man in the state?!
'Home Alone': Nice tot gets (then uses) gifts - mutilates a pair of crooks!
'The Lion King': Animators use computer tool-sets; see 'Cat Fights a Foe'.
'E.T.': Focus on a cute alien's task to go "Phone Home". I stress it - great film!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Several treatments of a pair of acrostic poems, one by Carroll to a friend and one by Poe's ill wife to her husband.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles Dickens's 'Oliver Twist' =
The classic writer's kids' novel!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Snow White's Nasty Adventures', The X-Rated Video =
Sexy tart does in-and-out with the seven dwarves!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
T E S T I M O N I A L S *******

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with: [An 18th century composer]
Giovanni Pergolesi =
I love opera singing!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Did you know only these three motion pictures won the five most valuable and prestigious Academy Awards? =
'It Happened One Night': Mousy runaway heiress (diva Claudette Colbert) soaks a wonderful movie's witty mood.
'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest': Wild guy tries to start a mutiny in a madhouse. Movie is hard and bawdy, people!
'The Silence of the Lambs': A murderous, devouring Lecter (Hopkins) dupes a woody SWAT team on a way to divinity.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George Meredith: Love in the Valley

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Ten-Inch Dick =
Nice and thick!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Spamagram: The Raven

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:

By the time you have read the enclosed program, you may have concluded that an amateur could not have created such a legal program that works.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for 10 years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working. Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was the economy. Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been with us since 1945.

I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rates...because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before.

The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The traditional methods of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that.

=

AN ENRAGED RESPONSE TO THIS UNFORGIVABLE WEB OFFER:

Hi, unworthy beggar. By the time you read this my cugine may already be on his way to your apartment to gut you and then dance on the mutilated corpse.

Let me mention my name, fucker. I'm Don Tito "The Gravedigger" Vampari. I'm Italian and have a very loving, real *devoted* family. We settled here in the United States to sell, uh, wool-clips and nose-powder.

Now, only 'cause Tito takes care of business every day doesn't mean Tito can't surf the net a little bit at night, right? Wrong. See, some fucking idiot gets in Tito's way when he surfs with his goomah and makes him unhappy - and datsa you.

Well, I'll be honest- we're no strangers to spam. Our dear friend and peer, Ton "The Velvet Glove" Reelilocco, the lord have mercy on his soul, explored the web-shakedowns occupation for a while. He forgot, however, that Vin "The Milkman" Eatcheerios had his hands on the whole web shit for ages. Now Ton has a pair of cement shoes and greets the fish from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Wanna be a wise guy? Fuck off or I'll turn your pisello into my Rottweiler's lunch. COPPISH?!

Wrathful,
Don Vampari

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dora Sigerson: Ireland

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal Shakespeare Company =
One may appear there as Shylock.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Take a minute to fill out the simple form below and receive a quote comparing the best values from among hundreds of the nation's top insurance companies!

First Name:

Last Name:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip:

Phone:

Best Time To Call:

Email:

Gender:
-Male
-Female

Date of Birth:

Type of Insurance:

Insurance Amount:

Do You Currently Own An Annuity?
-Yes
-No

Would You Be Interested in Annuity Information?
-Yes
-No

Height:

Weight:

Tobacco Use:
-Never smoked or used nicotine
-Quit less than 1 yr ago
-Quit 1-3 yrs ago
-Quit 3-5 yrs ago
-Quit over 5 yrs ago
-Currently smoke cigarettes
-Other nicotine use-cigars/pipe/chew/patch

Health Status:
-Excellent: trim and athletic, no medications
-Good: no infirmities and no medications
-Fair: slightly overweight or taking medication
-Poor: have/had a serious health condition

Health conditions?
-Yes
-No

Prescription medications?
-Yes
-No

Do you engage in any hazardous activities? (i.e.scuba, skydiving, private pilot, etc.)
-Yes
-No

Did your parents or siblings have heart disease or cancer prior to age 60?
-Yes
-No

=

Quoted from the NRA Application Questionnaire:

Name:

Tattoos:

Farm/Oilfield:

Age:
-Under 15
-Over 63

Education:
-High School
-Other?!?!

Monthly Gun-Budget:
-Over a hundred G's
-Over nine hundred G's
-Unlimited

Are You a Man?
-Yes
-Shit, yes
-No, but I'm becomin' one next week

Are You a Republican?
-Yes
-Sure
-Obviously

Complete this sentence: "Immigrants are..."
-Quite sweet
-A menace to our country
-Target practice

Complete this sentence: "A paranoid is..."
-Insane
-An imaginative man
-Always prepared

Most Prized Possession:
-A boycotted dynamite load
-10 D.U.I. reports
-A dagger collection
-A '53 Dodge

A Movie/TV Icon:
-Rocky I
-Rocky II
-Rocky IV
-The Three Stooges

Which of these phrases is 'Politically Incorrect'?
-Nosy Chinks
-Spotty Niggers
-Pansy-Ass Faggots
-Voodoo Indians
-Lovely Nazis
-Gee, ain't nuttin' here politely incorrected

You can intermit a theft by...
-Alertin' a squad car
-Needlin' each of the bastard's eyes
-Forcin' the demon to eat his own gonads

It's wrong to hunt...
-If the animal is unique
-If I run out of ammunition
-This isn't a realistic situation.

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peace by Henry Vaughan, anagrammed into paraphrases of three existing poems also related to roses.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Butler Yeats =
Sit, write me a lullaby.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nude Modelling =
Indulge old men.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
[A selection of Caravaggio-related anagrams.]

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio =
I color image in grave, magical shade.
O, each allegoric image is raving mad.
Mad vision? Ah, image allegoric grace.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'Judith and Holofernes' =
Oh, a vein's ejaculating, flooding her, as her old maid grimaces.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'David and Goliath' =
'A Clad Child Removing a Giant Rival's Head' is a good image.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Entombment of Christ' =
Ah, face highest, tragic moment - 'Immortal Savior Being Enclosed'.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Conversion of Saint Paul' =
One eager horse clumps along at a magical vision of a divine Christ.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Crucifixion of Saint Peter' =
Ah, massive piece of a grim execution. Again, terrific colors and light!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband Leonard

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Search for Osama Bin Laden Proves Difficult =
A darn problem - US forces fail to find his cave!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Seven Eleven Incorporated =
Open it and never ever close!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Everlast: What It's Like

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mother of a 15 year old boy was cleaning and putting laundry away when she came across a large brown paper bag that was suspiciously buried beneath some clothes and a skateboard in the back of her 15-year-old son's closet. Nothing could have prepared her for the shock she got when she opened the bag and found it was full of cash; five dollar bills, twenties, fifties and hundreds - all neatly rubber-banded in labeled piles.

"My first thought was that he had robbed a bank," says the 41-year-old woman, "There was over $71,000 dollars in that bag\'85.. that's more than my husband earns in a year." The woman immediately called her husband at the car dealership where he worked to tell him what she'd discovered. He came home right away and they drove together to the boy's school and picked him up. Little did they suspect that where the money came from was more shocking than actually finding it in the closet.

As it turns out, the boy had been sending out via E-mail on the Internet a type of 'chain-letter' to E-mail addresses that he got off of the Internet. Everyday after school for the past 2 months, he had been doing this right on his computer in his bedroom.

=

Two days later the parents recovered another bag labelled "Hot Chicks Get Hosed By Old Guys", with cheap photos and bootleg tapes. "Ah, Bobby's an adult!" his mother grinned, while his father reacted, "That's true, he's mature now. We all have fantasies, like, oh, deep anal fun with Thatcher."

The caring parents still defended him when he hacked into the phone company's mainframe and then into four city banks. "Well, calling him 'charlatan' or 'corruptive' is a bit harsh," the boy's mother remarked, "Nobody's perfect. He's no Unabomber... yet." "Oh, he's obviously grown up," his dad deduced, "Learning a vocation is a significant thing. He promised us he'd get off his butt and 'make money' and he sure did, down in his basement. Those notes were perfect, utterly identical to five and twenty dollar bills! What a craftsman."

After the boy ran an illegal pyramid scheme, a sour mob stormed the house. "Oh, what a lovely boy!" the mother was heard yelling in the riot as the angry mob smashed the front door, "Hundreds of fans line up to see him! What a great lad!!!" "Hey, at least he has a good taste," added the boy's dad as they were about to be lynched, "After all, those chicks *were* hot!"

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: Ode on Melancholy

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A carton of cigarettes =
I got a taste for cancer.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Prince Harry Admits He Smoked Pot Regularly =
Royal drug-party is held? Man, the empire rocks!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You look rather nice in that dress =
(Or: "Thank you, Lord! I can see her tits!")

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Douglas Malloch: Be The Best of Whatever You Are

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The children's story of The Sleeping Beauty =
By a touch of these lips, I gently end her rest.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden =
Some DNA in a lab.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tight Blouse =
Oh, tits bulge!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You could tell Lori was proud of her body and she took care of it. From her wavy blond hair that feathered lightly in the breeze to her long and beautiful legs that drew appreciative glances. She was happy with the way she looked. She was proud of her flat stomach and firm breasts. Her nipples were large and she loved how they drew a man's attention when they poked through her blouse. Or in this case, her bikini top.

Lying in the hot sun, she worked a little more sunscreen into her nicely tanned shoulder and turned up her radio.

Lori was alone that day. Actually, she wasn't planning to be. Two days prior, she had broken up with her boyfriend over a petty thing. She knew that they'd probably work it out but she understood that they needed this time apart now. So she came to the beach anyway, not expecting anything.

She laid back on her towel, wishing that she and her boyfriend were there together, his arms around her, putting lotion on her skin. Her hands gently caressed her tummy and she suddenly realized that she was hornier than she thought.

Click here to read the rest of this naughty erotic story...

=

The noble prince halted. There, frozen on a marble plate, was the princess, achingly pretty. He puckered up, knelt down and...

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted the enraged woman.

"The legend, your Highness... woken by a light kiss on the lips -"

"Not THOSE lips, pervert!" the beauty answered. "Oh, dear god. They're all the same."

"Ah, I -"

"You think I don't read the fable-studies? How Little Red Riding Hood secretly longed for a rough badass to lurk in the shadows? But nobody was interested to learn why the wolf had to dress in *drag*. Not to mention the wanker with the shoe-fitting fetish. A closet-case, no doubt."

"Eh... er...," voiced the prince, the bulge in his pants replaced by a lump in his throat.

"Think the real Rapunzel threw her braids down for someone to climb UP? She shaved her head and used her hair to climb DOWN the tower. Why do you think she grew it - What's your name, baby?"

"Ah, Thor."

"Yeah, right. What's your REAL name?"

"Harry," the prince stated shyly.

"Aha. Have to french a stiff's twat to get a sexual rush, Harry?"

"Ah, no... so sorry," the prince uttered and ran away.

"Thanks for nothing," said the princess wearily. "Rotten necrophile."

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Colors

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Amish are known worldwide for their simple lifestyle and their quality workmanship. Amish Loom Works combines these two qualities together in the "Original Amish Loom™".

The Amish Loom™ is a unique, handmade, easy to use product made of Northern Michigan native hardwoods--Mountain Ash with Hickory twig handles and Hickory pegs. It is designed to create high quality sweaters, scarves, throws, rugs and other hand-made products.

The Amish Loom™ is a hand craft folk art that enables knitters, beginners, hobbyists, professional weavers and textile designers to do many type of traditional off-loom weaving and knitting with greater accuracy and simplicity than ever before. The Amish Loom™ makes it possible for even the most experienced weaver/knitter, or someone with no handicraft experience and no particular manual dexterity, to make beautiful, stylish clothes and decorative accessories. It is fast and easy to design your own pieces, and patterns. It is easy to size garments, and it is easy to learn a basic collection of various stitches quickly.

=

Lord's blessing, my child. I'm Sister Mary Mcbaine and I'm quite ready to sit on your hard cock.

Indeed, after a lifetime of harmless piety, we understand now that the only way to appeal to millions is through raw, sacral sex. Oh no, it's not sick sarcasm or a cynical gimmick; We're really tight on cash.

The New Catholic Church invites you to the pretty Baroque monasteries for a feast of holiness, redemption and erotic massages. Come violate the professed sisters and go straight to heaven! Hump timid, hesitant virgins with silk-like skin or passionate novices who took a vow of tenacity! Find out why it's called the 'missionary' position! Ask for the anointment-and-bondage mix to maximize and quicken the orgasm! We even got a night of paradise for women with the Latin-Tongue Class and some dirty, wild-spirited fun with the Big Hermit.

You can also buy the special illustrated edition of the Perversions Creed, or rent quality X-rated tapes like 'Altar Slave Three', 'Bitches on Quakers' and 'A Firm Ass in Mass'!

Remember, God has created the woman naked and moist... as are we, under the habits.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pink: Get The Party Started

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oxford English Dictionary =
I find thy lexicon's rather good.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Beatles: Across the Universe

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Faintheartedness =
Sensed fear in that.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mean doings ~
in God's name.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Actress Pamela Anderson =
Neat rear, and chest's so ample!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(This e-mail was distributed on the internet after the September Eleven events)

My family owns an ambulance service in Brooklyn NY. Midwood Ambulance if anyone knows it. Anyway, my uncles were at "Ground Zero" during the attack to help the victims. They donated their time to help with this crisis as many New Yorkers did. A great deal of people were in shock from the devastation. As many of you know, shock victims are supposed to drink a lot of water. My uncle went to the Starbucks down the street to get bottles of water for the victims he was treating. Can you believe they actually charged him for it!! He paid the $130 for 3 cases of bottled water out of his own pocket. Now, I would think that in a crisis such as this, vendors in the area would be more than happy to lend a little help by donating water. Well, not Starbucks! As if this country hasn't given them enough money! Anyway, the point of this story wasn't to glorify my uncle's actions but to suggest a boycott on Starbucks. Now, I love Frappaccinos as much as anyone, but any company that would try to make a profit off of a crisis like this doesn't deserve the American public's hard earned money. Please forward this e-mail to any one you know and encourage them to do the same.

Thank you!

=

(This signed letter was sent to 'The Papacy')

Kind and Loving Pope,
I'm a Roman Catholic Altar Boy from a Southern Catholic town. Well, for starters, I'm a great fan, and you have my everlasting love, but love doesn't cut it for me ever since last April. No offence, but the new priest you sent here is total crap.
My friend Wayne got two bucks from him. I saw it! He put Wayne's hands in his own front pockets and trembled or whatever...
*Two bucks*! I never got so much as a *cent*!
Two days later Wayne told me the priest bought him a toy Action Truck for another little round. God Almighty, I want nice toys too! I saw a kickass bunny yesterday but mom says it costs a lot so we can't buy it.
Then I asked the priest if I can get a new toy too, and he said my hands were unclean! Okay, so I'm often sick with the flu; My nose's sort of runny and *once in a while* I wipe it with the back of my hand. So what? Is sneezing a reason to blow me off? That's plain cruel.
Now I know he likes touching my butt after hymns, and the other day he offered me to 'kneel and devour his potency' (whatever that meant), but I prefer the pocket-game and a toy. So could you please teach our priest to behave? Thanks in advance.

Yours truly,
Tommy Mendes

P.S. Holy wine is cool, but 'Body of Christ' tastes like diarrhea.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Chairman Gates =
Mega-rich Satan.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'Madonna Mia', anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic on the author's name. Also, reading down the second-last words of each line reveals a fitting quote (also by Wilde).

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
Face in scary portrait grew old, hideous.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WorldCom, The Latest in Giant-Scale Fraud =
False accounting did harm to Wall Street.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Weird Workplaces

Perth, Australia, brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy closed down for a day on April 30 because the influx of 5,500 U.S. Navy personnel on shore leave had left her workforce worn out. "We're the biggest and the best," she said, "(and) I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service." She added, "I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a thousand (in) at a time." (The Bremerton (Wash.) Sun carried a wire-service version of this story but later apologized for it to its readers since many Navy families in the Bremerton-Seattle area apparently did not appreciate learning this news.) [The Mercury (Hobart, Australia), 5-3-02; The Age (Melbourne), 5-2-02]

=

Even Weirder Workplaces

A source reported yesterday that all of the presidential personnel had asked for an early retirement, describing their job as 'inhumane'.
Not long ago, the staff secretary was rumored to 'weep like a baby' when the president asked if 'Arab' can be a verb, too. Recently, Bush had to spend hours with a trainer to properly say "Every little bit of effort counts", after a sad incident of mispronouncing 'war', 'terror' and 'USA' in his State of the Union address. His whim to raise morale by hiding fake vomit all over the White House drew no laughs.
"Um, anyone still have anthrax?", a crazed intern was cited; "Hell, anywhere but here."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
9 Rooms - A Paradoxical Poem

 

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we keep the relationship open? =
(OK, I can sleep nude with other people!)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
An Enigma, by Edgar Allan Poe

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare: Sonnet XIV

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Bond Girls =
Blondes, right?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Saddam Hussein =
Pinhead resists US demand.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Department of Motor Vehicles =
Led to the improvement of cars.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
INCREASE THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY BY 27% WITH A SIMPLE PILL. - GUARANTEED - FDA APPROVED - The same type of research that created miracle drugs like Viagra, has now created a revolutionary herbal pill that can increase that certain part of the male body by 27% in a few short weeks by simple taking two capsules of Extenze a day, no prescription required.
Over a million and half capsules are being taken every month by men all over the world. This number increases every day as more and more men discover this revolutionary product. Simply try these Amazing pills for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With this guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale! This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day.
OUR UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE:
Simply try it for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With our guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale!

=

Top sixteen ways that might make your teensy-weensy prick look larger:

16. Sneak a full, wide-rimmed water bottle into a men's-room stall. Close the door. Wait for a 'crowd' to pass by and empty it loudly down the toilet. Unzip and step out, proudly.

15. Embed bits of magnifying glass in strategic places on your shower-door. Yell to your friend you need a towel.

14. Find a small plunger and apply to your loins. Pump them for several minutes a day.

13. Spread rumors by whining to your buddy about itchy, binding underwear.

12. Say a prayer for a huge weiner. If praying won't do, demand reparation from the reverend.

11. The ol' 'Cucumber in the Hidden Pocket' never fails.

10. ...And for a limper version, try a pickle.

9. Take a vacuum cleaner. Squirm that tiny prick into the hose. Plug in cleaner.

8. Shave off your pubes. Duh.

7. Go find a decent mohel. Ask for the Extra Value Circumcision.

6. Show an interest in floppy, virile implants.

5. Pay a visit to a gypsy. Buy magic XL contraceptives.

4. Start a diet, but only in your pelvic area. If the background seems undersized, then by comparison...

3. Decrease the size of your testicles.

2. Slay every male anagrammer on the face of the earth.

1. Only date women with really small palms.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(An excerpt from a speech made by Bush on October the 7th:)

By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciless nature of its regime, Iraq is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Iraq remains the nature of the regime, itself. Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction." Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Saddam Hussein has dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront him as he grows even stronger and develops even more dangerous weapons? In 1995, after several years of deceit by the Iraqi regime, the head of Iraq's military industries defected. It was then that the regime was forced to admit that it had produced more than 30,000 liters of anthrax and other deadly biological agents. The inspectors, however, concluded that Iraq had likely produced two to four times that amount. This is a massive stockpile of biological weapons that has never been accounted for, and capable of killing millions.

=

(A few 'To Do' lists from the president's diary:)

Sat, Nov. 30

**Interview to Fox News**
Ramble on the sheer threat of Saddam's tyranny. Answer a hard query about the war with an unrelated anecdote. Misquote random writers.

Sun, Dec. 1

* Reveal to the nation 'The New, Bitchin' War on Terror'.

* Nickname Dick Cheney 'homey'.

Mon, Dec. 2

* Model a swift air raid on Iraq. Give Rumsfeld a wedgie.

* Trade lunches with Cheney. If caught, promise mom it was his idea.

Thu, Dec. 5

* Ask the wife to wear pigtail braids. If Laura agrees, convince Colin to do the same.

* Fight Senate to terminate sales tax on rodeo boots.

Fri, Dec. 6

**Daughters' birthday!** Get up late at night and assist them in finding the way to the bathroom. Flush once the heaving's done.

Mon, Dec. 9

**A visit of the enormous Israeli dude!** Make the place Wideass-Friendly.

* Pull wife's pigtails.

Wed, Dec. 11

* Pull Colin's pigtails.

Fri, Dec. 13

**Yee-ha! Iraqi Action Time!!!**
Gather strategists and assess possible tactics. Ask dad what's the Iraqi word for 'camel poop'.

Sat, Dec. 14

* Pull army out of Iraq. Make a speech to the nation on these foes' asinine cases of aggression and hostility, and the horrible perils of mass-destruction weapons.

* Drop an atomic bomb on Baghdad.

Mon, Dec. 16

* Shop for rodeo boots.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by children's author Shel Silverstein, anagrammed into a line-by-line ambigram.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Last-Minute =
Nuts! I'm late.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Don't get left behind. Don't let your computer go to waste. With *FREE* computer learning from Video Professor, you can get the skills you need to succeed. Whether you need office skills to get a new job or promotion, or simply want to help the kids with their homework or organize the family budget, Video Professor has the lesson just for you.

It's FAST! You'll be up-and-running in an hour or less! Don't waste time sifting through those big, thick manuals. Commuting to classes or seminars is a waste of your time and money. Just pop in the CD-ROM and you're learning! It's EASY!

=

Do you feel ridiculously idiotic? Do friends often name you 'That Moron'? Then you MUST visit the Forrest Gump School for Slack-Jawed Yokels!!!

Only HERE can the young twits and idiots:
* Get straw-chewing tips!
* Sign for the groundbreaking 'Hi, My Name Is Forrest Gump, People Call Me Forrest Gump' seminar!
* Be a part of The Forrest Gump Theatre hit-show, "When Life Gives You Lemons"!
* Wear stupid little beanies and snooze all day!

No books! No homeworks! No studying! No teeth! Join the ultimate Forrest Gump courses *TODAY* - The tuition here is just two roosters and one corn cob!!!

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A verse of a poem by Oscar Wilde, anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic square on the author's name.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Sambrooke Leigh: The Twins

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Literature for blind persons =
Friends turn prose to Braille.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for. (Albert Camus) =
Er, oil?... Is 'Great barrels of crude oil' a term unknown to that Frenchy? (G.W. Bush)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: Listening

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A cheap motel =
Place to...*ahem*.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One Splendid Demonstration of ESP

1. Pick a number from 1 to 10.
2. Multiply it by 9. Add the digits of the result together. Subtract 5.
3. Assign a letter to the answer you have (A=one, B=two, etc).
4. Think of a country that begins with this letter.
5. Think of an animal that begins with the second letter of the country.
6. What's a colour associated with the animal?
7. That's odd... see, there are no grey elephants in Denmark!

=

A Lesson In Fear

1. Repeat stages 1-3 in the trick above.
2. Think of the name of a cute bird that starts with that letter.
3. Imagine the snappy sound it makes. Go on.
4. Obtain the first letter of that sound. Think about a country which ends with the letter.
5. Try to dwell on the global menace its cold, sadistic leader presents.
6. Then, drift your hate towards the camel-humping demons...
7. Honey, you're now a bigot.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 117th sonnet anagrammed into three less-than-serious poetic renditions of famous texts by the bard.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Congressional Medal of Honor =
Hang on chest of one moral soldier.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mysterious rectal foreign bodies =
I used to force gerbils into my arse.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The president of Iraq, Saddam Hussein =
Press had to enquire if this man's dead.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A small bit from Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', Chapter VIII


GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Countries of the Third World =
Tourist threw children food.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes =
So, can he solve the murder, folks?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The cartoon dad Homer Simpson =
That moron mopes and cries "D'oh!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Edwin Arlington Robinson: Richard Cory

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two celestial poems

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Disney's classic feature, 'Bambi' =
Baby deer in a film? It's a success!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
They are platonic friends =
(Pity I can't fondle her arse...)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Night

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every cloud has a silver lining"? =
No, such drivel is largely naive.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Eminem: Cleaning Out My Closet

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
76th Academy Awards Rules
For Distinguished Achievements During 2003

RULE ONE
AWARDS DEFINITIONS

1. Academy Awards of merit shall be given annually to honor outstanding achievements in theatrically-released feature-length motion pictures, and to honor other achievements as provided for in the rules and approved by the Board of Governors.

=

The heads of the Foundation for Taste in Cinema have devised an apology for any direct or indirect involvement in these sheer stupid movies:

Superman IV
Gigli
Dude, Where's My Car?
Armageddon
Urban Legends: Final Cut
All inane rubbish that features Adam Sandler
The odd Last Action Hero that ran an hour too long
Spice World

We're so very sorry.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
3 Angles to Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ballet position =
It shall be on tiptoe.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Middle East violence =
Evidence led to Islam.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A skirt chaser =
I track her ass.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President J.F.K. =
A frantic jerk sniped me

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Stonehenge, in the downland of Salisbury Plain =
Long boulders in an open field? Why, that's insane!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When I consider every thing that grows

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disturbance =
Unclear mind, at best.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Office of the Press Secretary, October 24, 2003]

The President's Ramadan Message

I send greetings to Muslims in the United States and around the world observing the holy month of Ramadan.

Ramadan is the holiest season in the Islamic faith, commemorating the revelation of the Qur'an to Muhammed. This month of introspection provides Muslims a time to focus on their faith and practice God's commands. Through fasting, prayer, contemplation, and charity, Muslims around the world renew their commitment to lead lives of honesty, integrity, and comion.

Throughout our history, people of different faiths have shaped the character of our Nation. Islam is a peaceful religion, and people who practice the Islamic faith have made great contributions to our Nation and the world. As Americans, we cherish our freedom to worship and we remain committed to welcoming individuals of all religions. By working together to advance freedom and mutual understanding, we are creating a brighter future of hope and opportunity.

Laura joins me in sending our best wishes. Ramadan mubarak.

George W. Bush
=
[Translation from Arabic of the actual message]

Could the camel-fornicator that finds our memo please it along to the People of Iraq?

Hi, Arab maggots! It's me, Mr. G. I just wanna inform you of them funds heading your way - and of the conditions them funds involve. Nope, our dime sure doesn't come cheap. There's a reason we're the world's richest nation, and I intend to maintain this title.

First: Give me my nuclear weapons back. Our army slaved on them top-notch pieces of arsenal; Saddam bought them from America for a fair price and promised to trigger them when we give him the order. Not only this traitor didn't come through, now you are claiming this prime nuclear goodness disappeared into thin air? C'mon, Donald begs for his uranium to return - be fair to him, the man can't live without it.

Second: Does the phrase 'Christ Is Your Friend' ring a bell? Get used to it.

And last one: Capitalism. Nuff said.

George

P.S. Laura is curious: why would someone want to celebrate the Ramada Inn? She reminded me of that night we spent there and got a stomach flu virus from their room service. I think she has a damn good point.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Correspondent ~
does CNN report.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President George W. Bush =
He needs grim war to bring us peace?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The recent Microsoft Windows update =
Few noticed it's the same worn product.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Anthology: The Best Of Michael Jackson

Disc 1

1. Got To Be There
2. Rockin' Robin
3. Ain't No Sunshine
4. Maria (You Were The Only One)
5. I Wanna Be Where You Are
6. Girl Don't Take Your Love From Me
7. Love Is Here And Now You're Gone
8. Ben
9. People Make The World Go 'Round
10. Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day
11. With A Child's Heart
12. Everybody's Somebody's Fool
13. Greatest Show On Earth
14. We've Got A Good Thing Going
15. In Our Small Way
16. All The Things You Are
17. You Can Cry On My Shoulder
18. Maybe Tomorrow
19. I'll Be There
20. Never Can Say Goodbye
21. It's Too Late To Change The Time
22. Dancing Machine

Disc 2

1. When I Come Of Age
2. Dear Michael
3. Music And Me
4. You Are There
5. One Day In Your Life
6. Make Tonight All Mine
7. Love's Gone Bad
8. That's What Love Is Made Of
9. Who's Looking For A Lover
10. Lonely Teardrops
11. Cinderella Stay Awhile
12. We're Almost There
13. Take Me Back
14. Just A Little Bit Of You
15. Melodie
16. I'll Come Home To You
17. If N' I Was God
18. Happy
19. Don't Let It Get You Down
20. Call On Me
21. To Make My Father Proud
22. Farewell My Summer Love

=

Reviews by the delighted customers:

"A bloody good job, Michael - so good that I neglected my web-surfing for a whole day!" (Pete Townshend)
"We love your work!" (N.A.M.B.L.A.)
"Oh my god, what a dreamy collection! Playing the album in my room really gets me in the mood to drive by a school" (Pee Wee Herman)
"Not bad, for a goy! Hearing your voice fetched cute memories of Soon-Yi when she turned eight" (Woody Allen)
"Love the groove, Mike my man! Ah hell, you are too cool for words. Oh, and thanks for your latest advice - teenage booties ARE an inspiration!" (R. Kelly)
"Please, allow me to e-mail a 'kudos' for a nugget of an album, Michael. I know we don't see eye to eye when it comes to gender, but I like the overall theme... And ignore the D.A. - he is such a killjoy" (Roman Polanski)
"A great treat by an immortal icon... Holier than the Holiest... We would be honored to send some boys your way as indication of our gratitude" (from a long note by several anonymous Catholic clergymen)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Magic by Shel Silverstein

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Casino hotels =
To lose cash in.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best-Selling Book in the World =
Still the Bible - God knew no others!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam Hussein, the Iraqis' former president =
A squad pried his ass from his retirement den.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Peter Jackson, the director of the LOTR series =
Three hits recreate Tolkien's Frodo projects.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Images from the NASA Spirit rover =
Impart great visions of Mars here.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Jonathan Swift poem, which can be presented as a riddle when its title is obscured, anagrammed (with a twist) into another riddle poem whose subject is hidden.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director Peter Jackson's 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' =
First of three long hits which respect the prose of long-dead J.R.R. Tolkien.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Smart

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"So, would you like to go up to my flat for some coffee?" =
"To follow, I must see you offer a *good* ploy to fuck me."

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Collection of Tragedies by William Shakespeare =
Weepy as I detail crises of Othello, Macbeth, King Lear...

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2004:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I saw fit to honor the Oscars, held a month ago, by extracting all 5 Best Picture nominees from the same base phrase. However, I couldn't ignore the Oscar's evil twin - The Golden Raspberry (or 'Razzie'), an award ceremony held 24 hours before the Oscars which dishonored the *worst* of 2003 cinema... The winners are at the bottom of each set.]

A list of the five films that are Academy Awards nominees in the Best Picture category: =
    A feisty MASTER AND COMMANDER gives life to the rich tale of the wisest captain Aubrey.
    Why, I see Murray's bit as a cheap-act made the gifted LOST IN TRANSLATION more effective.
    MYSTIC RIVER's genuine performances deal with that base idea of the state of calamity.
    View SEABISCUIT, my imperfect-yet-fine racehorse that ran to fame, against all the odds.
    A massive LORD OF THE RINGS finale piece, sated with beauty, came first at that ceremony.

A list of the five films nominated for the joke-award Golden Raspberry in the Worst Picture category: =
    Big, tragic Dr. Seuss rip-off CAT IN THE HAT transformed that loopy feline we love into a mere rowdy jerk.
    Another CHARLIE'S ANGELS trifle provided brisk joy of trampy women for the target audience of twits.
    At parts of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, even the best 'American Idol' fan grew tired of its weird choreography.
    The MTV-style THE REAL CANCUN joined the merry parties of Spring Break for raw footage of wild idiots.
    Reporters' reviews of our winner GIGLI say that the attempt of Ben Affleck and J-Lo at comedy is horrid.

[Also, to make these a bit more appealing, the above anagram sets were shaped as the actual symbols of these award shows:]

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Siberian tiger =
It is a rare being.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The impressionist landscape =
This sad place inspires Monet.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The White House Daily Press Briefing =
Hey, I air the lies of president G.W. Bush!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Her best asset =
These breasts!

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ironic by Alanis Morissette

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A sample from an Astrology site, anagrammed into 12 weekly predictions. I don't know if it comes through, but I'm not a fan of horoscopes.]

(Quoted from the Astrodienst site)
Introduction:
Astrology sees mankind as being not only influenced by hereditary factors and the environment, but also by the state of our solar system at the moment of birth. The planets are regarded as basic life-forces, the tools we live by as well as the basis of our very substance. These planetary forces take on different forms, depending on their zodiacal position and on the way they relate to one another.

=

Pisces:
A keen Mars settles above the Moon, so Neptune and Uranus may soon be in a very fiery trine, but it's not as dirty as it sounds.
On Friday, strolling in the street can be fatal, so better stay indoors and clip the letters off of the cover of a magazine to create terribly obscene death threats for the neighbor.
On Wednesday, you'll find the answer to the age-old question: What'll my employers do if I toss them to the floor and breakdance on their faces?

=

Aquarius:
Three terrific events shall bless your essence soon, so don't be daft and drop that razor blade. For now, Neptune's position alters all planetary alignments, which means it's fifteen beers before noon yet again.
It's best to take the advice of someone close to you and try to battle the obsession for Dan Aykroyd statuettes made entirely of lard.
The mystery of the vanishing cat ends when you trace the odor coming from behind the air filter.

=

Aries:
Not only do you let loved ones walk all over you, you grant a bag of cleat shoes beforehand. Quite oddly, Moon retreats and Mars settles in - can it afford rent?
On Monday, a teensy surprise is to be discovered where it's least anticipated, or you can take what's behind Curtain No. Three.
Note: A family member's consent to stay off booze feels less than honest in light of their arrest by the FBI for the attempt to baste the President in French dressing.

=

Scorpio:
Do your friends find the tendency to glorify Astrology "senseless"? Order a Personalized Star Chart! In a minute, every one of these boobs will tremble at your feet.
Soon, you'll note that your red car has been dented. Beat innocent pedestrians for catharsis.
At work, it seems that a 'confidant' has been squealing to the boss, so follow them around and take notes. If they spot it, baffle them by imitating a ferret, then advance on them assertively.

=

Sagittarius:
Do you often question horoscopes' earnestness? Order the Personalized Star Chart to destroy all brain matter left.
An instance that involves a red Toyota's steel fenders has benefits, no need to be frightened!
At work, a feeble-brained buffoon from your floor, at which you nodded maybe once, starts to stalk you, often settling behind the pillar by the elevators and emitting insane noises. If they come any closer, spray them with mace.

=

Gemini:
On Monday, it seems that Venus, affected by the Moon, shall retire to London, set up a toffee store and regress idly into senility.
Hobbies: In a bizarre turn of events, trying to dabble in Oriental stencil art shall set off an epidemic of yeast infections across North Dakota. You'll soon start to wonder if your seventh grade art teacher went for sarcasm when she heatedly equated your paper-mache tasks to "the best of the best done by Leonardo".

=

Libra:
An old flame resurfaces in your life, only to flee three seconds later, along with your mother's silverware and an autographed copy of 'Systems Analysis For the Incontinent' by the esteemed Dr. Typen Stainem.
On Monday, it'd be sad to see that Byron the Robot, created to conquer the world, is a rather bookish stiff that sports dozens of nose bleeds, but finding an attractive beret set of Einstein's valet in the flea market soothes you once again.

=

Virgo:
Your fate hosts bitterness, resentment and pain - Collect all three!
An amatory, flimsy offer leads to an unforeseen month of passion; that's a bit botched as one test proves that you're blood-related. Things slide even farther into the 'sordid' definition as it becomes quite clear that when you were a tender baby, they were bayonetting Nazis. Only some sort of freaky, stroke-inducing plan can end all of this, so you'd better do some research, fast.

=

Taurus:
Efforts to make deer season shorter are clearly done by the sissy-signs Libra and Virgo. Ah boy, I bet'ya that when the Lord handed out the best star icons, those seedy queers were last in line.
Soon, it'll be time to abandon UFO-spotting and marry the fondest of farmer Two-Toed Zeke's steers.
On Friday, cheery and ecstatic emotions blossom, till they prove to actually be the aftereffects of opening a can of paint thinner in an unventilated room.

=

Capricorn:
Soon, the ants and the rats will seize the entire flat; sadly, they'll take better care of it than you ever did.
Break the tense life of trying to bring Barbies and Cheetos to breed; Set off on a trip, but preferably one to a bolted institute. For now, the moon may retreat due to a squad of cows, dishes and spoons.
(So sorry if any of these are half-assed, even inane; I've lost my notes and had to consult smirches on my ceiling to summon the astral energy.)

=

Leo:
On Wednesday, you'll press the snooze button and stay in bed for another ten minutes. This may lead to your position at the Bagel factory being restaffed. Bereft, you'd enlist in the North Brooklyn Secret Cantors Clan for the Liberation of Iraq. After the clan's separate losses to a few tumbleweeds, you'd be stranded, sore and lost, in the Mohave desert. Salvation may come in the shape of Syrian officers giving the directions to the nearest K-Mart.

=

Cancer:
Certain events shall stir emotions, and may even lead to actions, but that's not written in stone. Annoying flyers on your windshield might boast too many barren offers, and theatres might boast profane sequels.
The color for today - Borscht-Red, and the active planet - oh, let's say the globe.
It would often seem that your life breezes by, like a 'Friends' teaser, yet treads on the same spot, like a 'Friends' episode.
Oh, and you're out of fabric softener.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cigarette machines =
The aim is 'Get cancer'.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic Games in Athens =
Ah, hasten! Gym is incomplete!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator Kerry claims that Bush's foreign policy is "Ineffective" =
So sorry if I'm coarse, but try asking if the chief can even *spell* it.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Tribute to the Month of May

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President Ronald Wilson Reagan =
A real moron, in acting AND western leadership.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 19

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft products =
Third of computer's cost...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The new Bond girl in Lee Tamahori's 'Die Another Day' =
I admit, I had to see renowned Halle Berry in a thong!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
If by Rudyard Kipling

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The DreamWorks Studio =
Our team did two 'Shreks'.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstinence Education Program =
Campaigned to ban intercourse.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by Wilde about Shelley; one by Shelley about Wordsworth; one by Wordsworth about Milton; and one by Milton about Shakespeare

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A speeding car =
Daring escape!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ceiling murals of the Sistine Chapel =
Hail Michelangelo's finest pictures!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet Number Two by William Shakespeare

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The bikini model =
"I'm, like, hot in bed!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Apocalypse Now' =
How Coppola eyes Vietnam.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bill Clinton, the former president of the USA =
On reflection, I'd still prefer the man to Bush!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Expect online terrors from it.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mad Hatter's question to Alice: "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" =
Ah, I got it! I created an answer: "It seems the two have inky-dark quills!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 76th sonnet anagrammed into a paraphrase (up to a point), its theme being the Baconian controversy

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ingredients of a McDonald's Shake =
Gee, that's odd - a scan finds no 'Milk' here.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Remember me when I am gone away

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
General A. Pinochet =
Great Chilean? Nope.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The airport security guard =
Stretch a digit up your rear.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Coins kept ~
in pockets.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
I spot one giant flaw here...

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles to wed Camilla Parker Bowles on April Eighth =
Pale old Brit will plan marriage? So, who the heck CARES?!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar nominees for Best Motion Picture: 'Sideways', 'Million Dollar Baby', 'Finding Neverland', 'The Aviator', 'Ray' =
Meet a sad vino-lover, an ambitious fighter, a children's writer, a simply intense flyboy - and a blind crooner, too!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The art of seduction =
Need that for coitus.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A trained sushi chef =
He's a tuna-fish dicer!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Travel Guide To London' =
I'd love to tour England!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Chicago millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett =
See, this noted flier loves to circumnavigate Earth!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eastern Africa =
A safari center.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A news story clip from the DeHavilland website]

The Queen will miss the civil wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

As the prince and Mrs Parker Bowles wished to keep the occasion a "low-key" affair, the Queen would honour their plans and stay away, the palace said.

But the sovereign intends to join the congregation at a church blessing service led by the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams in St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle, following the civil wedding, the spokesman added.

=

Top Ten Reasons The Queen Is Ditching Charles and Camilla's Wedding:

10. Her corgis will have to be spayed for it.
9. She doesn't want to be the Belle of the Ball.
8. She saw Camilla's frock.
7. She saw Charles' frock.
6. Gift-wrapping a bag of dry Kibble can be trickier than it appears.
5. She planned a craved tryst with a suicide machine.
4. She planned to drunkenly mount a sad old equine of her own.
3. Interviewing dirty hunchbacks to man Camilla's position in Notre Dame will have her occupied.
2. Swallowing the Crown Jewels will have her occupied.
1. She's opposed to gay marriage.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Keats, anagrammed into three poems each in the style of different poet

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Clint Eastwood ~
also wants to direct.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
London's Westminster Abbey =
One wanders by silent tombs.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', directed by Steven Spielberg =
It's a biblical trove from God they seek, preserved in the desert.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
An excerpt from The Parson's Tale


GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The legal profession =
One gets help of liars.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam pictures in 'The Sun' =
Captured this man's undies.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The indicted singer Michael Jackson =
"Get in, scared child! Join me in the sack!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Parisian street =
A painter sits there.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: A Birthday

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nude resorts =
There to undress!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes =
OK, is the romance simulated?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US astronaut Neil Alden Armstrong =
Let's send this great man on a lunar tour!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In regard to his social security plan, Bush's stated that he 'remains undeterred'. =
He then burst into a manic laughter and told his press secretary: "See, I said TURD."

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bonnie Parker & Clyde Barrow =
Known pair declare: "Robbery!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Top 20 picks of AFI's jury members for the most popular and lingering key quotes in motion picture history:

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." (Casablanca)
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" (Network)
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (White Heat)
17. "Rosebud." (Citizen Kane)
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" (In the Heat of the Night)
15. "E.T. phone home." (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial)
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon)
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." (Love Story)
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." (Apocalypse Now)
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate." (Cool Hand Luke)
10. "You talking to me?" (Taxi Driver)
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (All About Eve)
8. "May the Force be with you." (Star Wars)
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." (Sunset Boulevard)
6. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)
5. "Here's looking at you, kid." (Casablanca)
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." (The Wizard of Oz)
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." (On the Waterfront)
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)
1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone with the Wind)

=

Oh, a neat list of lines - but to even things out, I want to nominate 20 entries for the most *heinous* film extract ever:

20. "Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?" (Armageddon)
19. "This is why Superman works alone." (Batman & Robin)
18. "The rat is the cleanest one." (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II)
17. "You ooze, you lose." (Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie)
16. "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu!" (Howard The Duck)
15. "I came here to study the great American art of muff diving." (Van Wilder)
14. "Move the feet to the left, you're in my shot." (the Paris Hilton video)
13. "Die, stuffed ball of fluff!" (Death to Smoochy)
12. "I had no idea you could blow like that." (Glitter)
11. [Many men and women vomit at a funeral] (Mafia!)
10. "Grab my belly and make a wish." (Kazaam)
9. "Huh?" (Dude, Where's My Car?)
8. "I always wanted to cornhole me a blind chick." (The Toxic Avenger)
7. "Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"?" (Spice World)
6. "They make my penis sneeze." (Gigli)
5. "It's turkey time! Gobble Gobble!" (Gigli)
4. "Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags." (The Attack of The Killer Tomatoes)
3. "I'm the king of the world!" (Titanic)
2. "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango." (Battlefield Earth)
1. "One thing's sure - Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible." (Plan Nine from Outer Space)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: To My Brother George

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The medical profession =
Help to confirm disease.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world." =
And if a man tries to rationalize force to conduct wars, it shows us he is George Bush.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
On an Infant Dying as Soon as Born by Charles Lamb


GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Signboard =
Boring ads.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two anagrams of a sonnet by Wilde

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of masturbation
Ain't that a burst of come?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The trial of president Saddam Hussein =
It sure is hard to defend this man's plea.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
G.W. Bush, the American president =
The man's screwing it up bad here!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =

This guide is likely to be:

[ ] A little pedantic
[ ] Darn unconvincing
[ ] A totally tiresome torment
[*] All of the above.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The complete list of Shakespeare's plays anagrammed into a sonnet.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mike Newell's 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' =
Enthralling film, yet we prefer to read the books!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US comedian Seinfeld =
He's often induced a smile.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abusive relationships =
Pain? Bruises? I have lots.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
A damsel with a grin on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Elton's big day =
Not by a girl's side...

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The 1st verse of Jabberwocky

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ang Lee's film 'Brokeback Mountain' ~
about menial farm blokes necking.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli PM Ariel Sharon =
He's in mortal peril, as I hear.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar Wilde sonnet, "E Tenebris"

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A plate of spaghettini =
Get a pile of thin pasta.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Danish newspaper cartoon angers the Muslims =
Seems a plain pen is much stronger than a sword...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
vice (noun):
1. Moral depravity or corruption
2. A moral fault or failing
3. A habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming.

=

vice president:
1. A common fill-in
2. Valued authority or motivator for a crucial hour
3. An arrogant old US bully firing at a pal.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MacArthur Park (Lyrics and music by Jimmy Webb)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is an anagram of this very text, in which renowned men (thirteen overall) are arranged in a rather particular order, as each man's name is entirely comprised of the rear of the name preceding it and the start of the name succeeding it. Our circular chain is currently shown under some hints (the men's short descriptions, number of letters) and a small spoiler space, granting all big brains an opportunity to decipher this riddle - although any person may simply scroll down for the answer.

Enjoy!

=

1. Christian saint (6)
2. French mathematician (8)
3. US thespian ('The Odd Couple') (7)
4. US thespian and film director ('Another Woman') (5)
5. German fantasy writer ('The Neverending Story') (4)
6. US film director ('Cleopatra') (7)
7. US playwright and essayist ('Death of a Salesman') (6)
8. Jewish-Austrian psychologist (5)
9. German conductor (8)
10. English writer and essayist ('Fever Pitch') (6)
11. English poet ('Prometheus') (5)
12. US\Norwegian Antarctic explorer (5)
13. Roman emperor (4)

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

1. Robert 2. Bertrand 3. Randall 4. Allen 5. Ende 6. DeMille 7. Miller
8. Reich 9. Eichhorn 10. Hornby 11. Byron 12. Ronne 13. Nero.


SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
O Solitude!

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cure for bald males =
A dream for cue-balls.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'On the Origin of Species' by author Charles Darwin =
Big theory which infers our ancestor is an old ape.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Slobodan Milosevic =
Don't sob over him, after prison-cell demise.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Help and Support Website =
Stupid patch! Problem is often worse!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's quickly survey all of the 78th Academy Awards winners:

Best Motion Picture "Crash"
Best Director: Ang Lee
Best Lead Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney
Best Lead Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz
Best Original Screenplay: "Crash"
Best Adapted Screenplay: "Brokeback Mountain"
Best Editing: "Crash"
Best Cinematography: "Memoirs of a Geisha"
Best Art Direction: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [John Myhre and Gretchen Rau]
Best Costume Design: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [Colleen Atwood]
Best Makeup: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"
Best Sound Editing: "King Kong"
Best Sound Mixing: "King Kong"
Best Visual Effects: "King Kong"
Best Original Score: "Brokeback Mountain" [Gustavo Santaolalla]
Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard]
Best Foreign Language Film: "Tsotsi"
Best Documentary: "March of the Penguins"
Best Short Documentary: "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin"
Best Animated Film: "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit"
Best Animated Short Film: "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation"
Best Live Action Short Film: "Six Shooter"

=

But never mind these... Time to see who the new Golden Raspberry winners are:

Worst Picture: A random strand of gross-out scenes titled "Dirty Love"

Most Unbearable Actor: That ignoble Rob Schneider constantly mugging for the camera in "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo"

Most Unbearable Actress: A boob-enhanced Jenny McCarthy assuming Skank Mode in "Dirty Love"

Sorriest Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen's stiff face attempting to emote in George Lucas's "Star Wars Episode III"

Tackiest Supporting Actress: Famous-but-talentless heiress Paris Hilton being slaughtered and somehow sucking at it in "House of Wax"

Most Boring Screen Couple: The mind-boggling mismatch of Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman in the feeble fiasco "Bewitched"

Most Abominable Remake\Sequel: The instant box-office bomb "Son of the Mask"

Most Amateurish Script: An unspeakable draft that Ms. McCarthy has penned for "Dirty Love"

Crappiest Director: The hack John Asher for his homage to gonorrhea, "Dirty Love"

Most Tiresome Tabloid Target (AKA Biggest Douchebag): Crazed scientologist and pest Tom Cruise, for going bananas on Oprah's couch, babbling incoherently about Katie Holmes and being a freak in general.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Poisoning Pigeons In The Park

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist community =
I must not hide my cunt!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American president George Walker Bush =
Gee, the liar's rating numbers drop each week!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In An Artist's Studio

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sumo tournaments =
Enormous mutants!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Screen icon Fred Astaire =
One's dances are terrific!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Gary Griffin book, 'Penis Enlargement Methods: Fact and Phallusy'=
One fraud by a hack tells the men to find a proper magnifying glass!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Peace Proposal

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Professional lion tamer =
One's in peril of a lost arm.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Iranians' nuclear weapons =
I can see another war in US plan.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Gerson, top speech-writer to president Bush for years, is leaving the administration =
Having inspected that report, I am basically surprised! Someone *wrote* these inferior things?!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wilfred Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leader of the British Labour Party =
Blair, the toady lap-terrier of Bush.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Vatican Observatory =
Vicar, note thy star above!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Holy Tango of Literature.

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
Eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A game of Russian Roulette =
A failure's sent to a morgue.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" =
A valued human-rights manifesto, I remark!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
War in South Lebanon =
A whole nation burns.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The actor Mel Gibson =
Bottle in car? Gosh, me?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Lord of the Rings' Fan Club =
Boring chat full of nerds.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The criminal defense attorney =
Man hired to set any client free.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" =
We enter a world which is behind that closet.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin Killed By A Stingray =
Dying diver will utter his last, ocean-borne "Crikey!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Benedict's anti-Islam remarks in that speech have angered the Muslim world =
The Vatican spokesman pledged: "I blame it on the speechwriter, Mr. Salman Rushdie!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 104 anagrammed four times

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Male sexual dysfunction =
One climaxes unduly fast!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional wedding ceremonies =
Two declaring "I do" need a minister.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A question to G.W. that he prefers to ignore: ~
When are these troops getting out of iraq?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar Wilde poem 'Les Silhouettes'

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan =
An abnormal foreign kook realizing the brutal, racist nature of some fanatic USA folk.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti's 'Listening' anagrammed into 3 poems.

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Penis enhancement surgeries =
See puniest men garner inches.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cigarette company =
I pay them to get cancer.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Twas The Night Before Christmas

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Military weapon =
Employ it in a war.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
United States politics =
Suspect it's oil-tainted.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Immortal Bard, William Shakespeare =
This admirable writer shall make a poem.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Swift's Epitaph by William Butler Yeats

Swift has sailed into his rest;
Savage indignation there
Cannot lacerate his breast.
Imitate him if you dare,
World-besotted traveller; he
Served human liberty. =
Poem at Steve Irwin's burial

This still Aussie, there he lies
After a marine demise.
Swiftly did that brat depart
When that stingray stabbed his heart.
May you win eternal love -
Lifting crocodiles, above!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
http://www.anagrammy.com/misc/jumble.htm

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The defibrillator =
For ill heart, I'd bet!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Plains of the Serengeti =
Spot giant felines here.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Clinton, the former president of the USA =
I am now free of politics... I let the Mrs. run the land!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Immensely thankful, touched, proud, astonished, abashed." =
"Only a man that refused to be hushed could speak his mind."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 153

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Students' Massacre at Virginia Tech =
This sad, tragic event stuns America.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin =
Insobriety is the reason for my pickled liver, then?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 144

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2007:
Eq. 1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End =
The noble epic of bandits was rated "Arr!" ;)

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Kate Moss, a supermodel =
So, most meals are puked?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Alfred Lord Tennyson

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Last novel of the Harry Potter series =
Her 'Part Seven' of a little hero's story.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The CNN interviewer Larry King =
Wrinkly thing can never retire.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ABC network says it had chosen to find a new title for the show "Sam I Am" due to a threat it recieved, written by Dr. Seuss lawyers =
That letter stated: "We forbid it on the air. We forbid it everywhere. Ditch that name and show some class, we can sue your stinky ass!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Superscription

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A female porno star on film =
Performs fellatio on a man.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The abortion pills =
I'll poison the brat.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George W. Bush, The President of the USA =
The pig! He refuses to end the bogus war!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece, 'Mona Lisa' =
I am a smiler posed on canvas, created in oil.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One
Small,
Precise,
Poetic,
Spiraling mixture:
Math plus poetry yields the Fib.=
Mere Pi Entry

It's
A
Poem
I elect
Emulating Pi...
Duplex bliss for pithy scholars!

[A double constraint: The poem's body is also a word-length Pi mnemonic, up to 12 decimal places (3.14159265358).]

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 12

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Maternity clothes =
Elastic - try them on!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Soldier

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Rat bites in arms =
Transmit rabies.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Lead singer Kurt D. Cobain =
Rocker died in a gun blast.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Democrat Senator Barack H. Obama versus the Republican Senator John McCain =
So the American voters must hand a Bush job to a black charmer or an ancient creep.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, August 2008:
Meyran Kraus with:
Deniers of the Holocaust =
To us, Adolf's the nice hero.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A rustling of the wind =
It's a wonderful thing.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George Bush =
"Bugger! Shoe!"

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former American president George Walker Bush =
Some supreme brain-lacking we'd rather forget here!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When icicles hang by the wall,
And Dick the shepherd blows his nail,
And Tom bears logs into the hall,
And milk comes frozen home in pail...
=
Some happen to be calm when cold,
Near still and mythic English lakes;
On hills amazing to behold,
Which Winter had robed in his flakes.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
It's a life worth living ~
if I win that girl's love!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet LIV

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The remains of Auschwitz Birkenau in Poland =
Here is the sad ruin of a known Nazi-built camp.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A sensual dream, then ~
a man launders sheet.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Whose accents are these?

1. "Burn da ganja, mon!"
2. "I ain't curin' HIS ass!"
3. "Oh, sod it! That's a smashing crumpet!"
4. "Nau I vill ruin zee movie!" =
1. Sting's 'Jamaican'
2. An Americanized Hugh Laurie in the TV show "House"
3. Madonna's 'British'
4. Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 86

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Susan Boyle, "Britain's Got Talent" show =
Best singer on it but, alas, lost anyhow.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.=
A poem by Obama

Oh, there once was that kindly Obama
Who was stuck in a debt-braving drama:
"I had yearned so for majesty,
Now I get a calamity!
George, you ghastly lad, thanks for THAT trauma!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
If love isn't here ~
then life is over.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Twelve plant names are in the anagram (Elder, ash, hazel, aster, mango, melon, iris, pine, pea, sage, oat, lime). They are in green.]

"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=

Elder in sunny Jordan

A shy haze looms above sandstone.
A stern man goads an old camel on.
I rise, I pine for peaceful time -
And sagely channel an oath sublime.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 24

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
USA's olympian Michael Fred Phelps =
Champ fesses up: "I'm really a dolphin".

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.'
=
Tree Food

When I'd Note That Each Rain
Shows Pale Root In New Gauds,
Some Utter Mirth My Eyes Regain
From Ash's Leafy Load.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 22

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A lower-cut T-shirt =
Her tits crawl out.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Fourth "Indiana Jones" movie by Steven Spielberg =
I have a big problem, just one: Ford is seventy-nine!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Actors who won trophies at this year's Emmys:
- Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
- Toni Collette, "United States of Tara"
- Glenn Close, "Damages" =
Top contenders from the "Least Tact" contest:
- Serena Williams
- Congress Guy Who Called Obama A Liar
Host: Kayne "Idiot" West

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night." - Hal Borland

=

A life now mute
amid a hush:
on valley mud,
where old leaves blush;
in wave's cold stare,
now dim and rough;
down in my heart,
that had enough.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
On Shakespeare

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Keats' "When I Have Fears That I May Cease To Be"

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eighteenth World Puzzle Championship in Antalya, Turkey =


 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"In your opinion, what were the best three things that happened in the first decade of the millennium?" =
-"The Miracle on the Hudson".
-The writer Tina Fey imitating Palin.
-The end of president Bush; the new hope.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet for Christmas

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director James Cameron =
Set major cinema record.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Ethan,

I read your letter in bed and my heart throbbed so hard it hurt! I adore you too, honey, but finishing the relationship was a mistake... I knew you'll come around and see that we are soul mates, though!
I felt so lost without you, Ethan. The flat I rented seemed so empty and cold and life seemed so hellish, but now I can simply move back in with you - so I'm ditching this place! I'm so happy I held on to your key, and I'm excited that I'll see my cute little Mittens soon... Give her a kiss from me.

I love you, my dear Ethan; You are the reason I still exist... And I certainly have to thank my sister for talking some sense into you! :)

Eternally Yours,
Jane

You wrote:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave
>you... I can't sleep
>or even eat, because
>I think you're quite
>amazing! I ask you to
>forget all about the
>past week and a half
>when I broke it off,
>and take this stupid
>knucklehead into your
>bed again. Please do!
>Thank god your sister
>made me realize that
>I was a total cretin
>when we were dating.
>We chatted at length
>and I have to agree,
>I think I'm in love!
>Do come back to me...
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

=

Hey Jane,

Look, you didn't read my previous e-mail right, okay? Seems half of it got truncated somehow. An ad must've blocked it. Here is the one that I sent you originally:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave my house key with
>you... I can't sleep in some nice motel
>or even eat, because my wallet's in there.
>I think you're quite senile. It's truly
>amazing! I ask you to return it, and you
>forget all about the damn thing like the
>past week and a half didn't happen. You see,
>when I broke it off, I meant it! Oh yeah,
>and take this stupid cat or I'll cram this
>knucklehead into your mailbox; it soiled my
>bed again. Please do. It's Satan's spawn!
>Thank god your sister took me in and also
>made me realize that I should've dated her!
>I was a total cretin not to notice her hints
>when we were dating. I made up for it now...
>We chatted at length after a night of sex,
>and I have to agree, she's WAY more bendy.
>I think I'm in love! You sure you're related?
>Do come back to me... about the key, that is.
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

P.S. Didn't I tell you this once before? You should really switch to a more reasonable e-mail service.

Ethan

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 64

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A field surgeon =
Dangerous life.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger Holds Press Conference =
Confess, regret, consider help.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda

=
Harm Flock In Fatal Pattern

Unappreciative
pertrubations
manufactured
challenging
biological
imbalance
bungling
natural
jewels
rarer
than
you
or
I
.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Short verse outlining Mount Etna in Virgil's Aeneid, Book III

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2010:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo's art in the Sistine Chapel =
Masterpiece shall shine on that ceiling!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Snake

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dreaming about death ~
due to a bad nightmare.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Poland's president =
Plane's drop ends it.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Easter

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The females cast in a porn video ~
often have silicone-made parts.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The final episode of the serial drama "Lost" =
The desolate island is a metaphor for life.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The giant oil spill disaster =
Stop drilling! It ails the sea.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's emperor Napoleon I =
A person of real prominence.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo

Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =

The New UK

Can leaders grudgingly
Adopt co-heirs?
My Farnham lad, heed me:
Each ally errs!
Regard: i do believe
One perfect point -
No team of zilch I.Q.
(Or meager valor, too)
Should be conjoined.


 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Italian crime boss =
A Sicilian mobster.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
How Smart Are You?

1. You're participating in a race. You finally overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. And if you just overtook the last person, then you are...?

3. Some very puzzling arithmetic! This must be calculated in your head only. Don't use a calculator or even paper and pencil for this.
Add 40 to 1000. Now add 1000. Add 30 more. Add 1000. Now add 20 more. Add another 1000. Add 10 more. What is the total?

4. Mary's father had five lovely daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono... What's the name of the fifth daughter?

5. A mute person goes into some shop to buy himself a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and manages to buy it.
Then a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how would HE indicate what he wants?

Answers to the quiz:

1. If you answered that you're first, then you're absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU'RE in second place.

2. If you answered you're second to last, then you're WRONG again. How can you overtake the LAST person?!

3. Did you get 5000? It's not very accurate... The correct answer is actually 4100.

4. Did you Answer Nunu? No! Of course it's incorrect. Her name is Mary. Read this question again!

5. It's very simple, really: He opens his mouth and ask for it...

=

How Stupid Are You?

Choose an answer for each question, then add up the numbers to determine your stupidity level:

The capital of Greece is...

1. Dwindling.
2. Athens.
3. G.
4. "Saturday Night Fever" is a lot more fun.

What's the opposite of Apathy?

1. I don't care.
2. Interest.
3. Cherokee.
4. A-dead-end-y?

Who's known as the discoverer of America?

1. Neanderthals.
2. Christopher Columbus.
3. Americus Gazpacho.
4. Captain Crunch.

Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

1. The man who invented this "joke", hopefully.
2. Ulysses S. Grant.
3. I need more information.
4. Which one of them?

Let's say I wed your cousin and I have a cousin too; then he is...

1. Not wanted on Thanksgiving.
2. My cousin-in-law's cousin.
3. A next of kin of sorts.
4. We can't both be married to my cousin!

Let's add up your points:

5-7: You possess a negative amount of stupidity. You're a constant smartass who has no energy to try this unneeded test. Go read Kafka or something.

8-12: You have zero stupidity and answered almost every question in the test correctly. Well done, you are duller than a fourth grade history teacher. You are the person that often tells everyone when 'whom' should be used.

13-19: You maintain a healthy amount of stupidity. You are a failure, fall down a lot and are a real hazard to yourself and to others. You are probably a pet psychic.

20: You are Sarah Palin.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Anne Bradstreet Poem, "The Author to her Book" (the first verses)

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really bad eyesight =
Barely see daylight!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Kubler-Ross model, also known as the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

=

Five stages of BP drilling:

1. Get bad rig
2. Wreck an ocean shore
3. Engineer half-assed solutions
4. Sack one man
5. Repeat.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
though all her parts be not in th' usual place,
she hath yet an anagram of a good face. =
Dashing, though has not
A partner or a pal -
Hence, a beau comes to
The half-faulty gal.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Octopus's Garden

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Define the world in a thesis? =
Life is short and then we die.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
National Geographic Magazine =
Going to an amazing place, I hear!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A highly ruthless remark of a lad to a lady in a very good film ('Gone With The Wind'): =
"Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
The Future of Barack

When I became the president, Bush sure left for me:

 Five Oil rigs fishy,
 Four Bankers crazy,
Three Auto brands costly
  Two Mideast battles bloody
  And A busted economy!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 30

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
We've something to tell the US president, Barack Obama =
We must leave the Mideast alone. Bring back the troops!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The messaging website Twitter =
It's the biggest new time-waster!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Human Seasons

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"The anagram is one of the greatest follies of the human spirit; one must be foolish to enjoy them and worse than foolish to create them." (Quote by G.J. Hecart)
=
Anagram foe,
Refine that decorum!
Some jests of snobs
May bother the Forum.
A lot of the jewels here
Got high quality -
Notice the notion
At this honest plea!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A small sample from a coven's spell verses found in the play "MacBeth"

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Teen lad's first lay =
It ends really fast!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's 'The Last Supper' =
Depict all persons and the Saviour.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Lion! Lion! Burning bright
In dark woods of scary night,
What immortal foot or hand
Could approach you and still stand?
=
Palin! Palin! Human stain!
Odd crook of no class nor brain!
Can't our only God, with might,
Rid that sad world of your blight?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Thanksgiving Day

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Premenstrual =
Lunar tempers.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Male puberty entails:
- Hairiness issues
- First signs of acne
- Morning erections
- A changing voice
- Wishing they were old. =

Men's mid-life crisis contains:
- Loss of hair
- Weight gain
- Cheating on spouses
- Buying newer cars
- Reliving the teen years.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2010:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Right before Christmas eve, Santa noticed he had lost his 'Naughty or Nice' list. Would you please make a new one for him?"
=
Now, folks are much too naughty here,
So I'll provide that sad decree:
One nice man won his gift this year,
But he, alas, is me!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'All Saints' by Christina G. Rossetti

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Horse's genitalia =
This is a large one!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden =
I'm a slim, mad bonehead and I wanna bomb!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"An earthquake achieves what the law promises but does not in practice maintain - the equality of all men" - Ignazio Silone =

Quite  a  loca  quiver  hit
Uniting   them    with   me;
Alas, one asset it may scar -
Kind people  in a zone afar,
Each  blown  into  the  sea.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Comfort

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Actions speak louder than words =
Talkers cannot aid; Doers show up.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H. Auden.=
[A poem depicting Dr. Henry Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]

Harsh hate, flood in!
  How vast
Each change!
  You squat beneath,
Now crazed,
  Deranged;
Raw potion can
  Excite
Your spite.


 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama receives a huge ratings bounce in a recent poll, following the death of Osama bin Laden =
Problem is, he'd need to gun down the faithless Arab all over again to be safe in an upcoming election race!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
How would I whack a chieftain called Osama?
How would I mow a crappy idiot down?
I'll join a brave team inspired by Obama
To rub out a fool, then let his body drown!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The lubricated penis =
Bet it can slide up her!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
So, in the man's eyes, ~
"No" is "She meant yes"?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Representative Anthony D. Weiner =
Your penis? Never send her THAT in a tweet!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June." (Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of the Island) =


Thaw

Below our moon -
A muddied ink.
That joyful wait
Renews my tune;
A vile age will
Dawn wretchedly
In Israel soon.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Huge motorcar to magnify one's penis? =
You are compensating for something.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A psychoanalyst using the Freudian method ~
can help you find out the things a dream says.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caelica 86

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is penetration? =
A penis into her twat!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Obama, current leader of the United States =
Another term's fate is unclear due to a debt.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Commercial Boeing planes =
Nice cabins, ample leg-room.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde. =
One's reflection-love, I'm warned, can be a telling sign of foolish ego.

[An ambigram of the anagram text]
One's reflection-love, I'm warned, can be a telling sign of foolish ego.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The octogenarian =
"Got an erection?! Ha!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The television news broadcast =
I see basic world events on that.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The September Eleventh memorial in NY =
It mainly helps one remember the event.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Palace Theatre, NY =
Enact a play there.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monsters that someone made up:

Hannibal Lecter
Norman Bates
Carrie
Damien
'Aliens'
Jason Voorhees
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

=

Modern creeps that are *real* monsters:

Charles Manson
Ted Bundy
Ayatollah Khomeini
Reverend Jim Jones
Osama bin Laden.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Laughter is the best medicine =
In this bad time, glee's the cure.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Disney animated movie version of 'Snow White' =
I'm inside a home with seven tiny one-foot dwarves!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Women before going out:

- Wear dress.
- Find shoes that match it.
- Tease hair for hours.
- Change dress.
- Change shoes.
- Apply lipstick. =
Men getting ready:

- Fish a good shirt or socks out of a hamper and scrape the stains, where possible.
- Change clothes.
- Rush wife.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Since we are intelligent human beings living in the twenty first century ~
we must invent renewable things, recycling until that energy is infinite."

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A bunch of cinematic citations taken from AFI's list of the top one-hundred and presented in random order:

1. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
2. "We'll always have Paris."
3. "I see dead people."
4. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small."
5. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
6. "Stella! Stella!"
7. "E.T. phone home."
8. "You can't handle the truth!"
9. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
10. "Rosebud."
11. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
12. "I'll have what she's having."
13. "Bond. James Bond."
14. "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
15. "I feel the need - the need for speed!"
16. "What we've got here is failure to communicate."
17. "If you build it, he will come."
18. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
19. "Show me the money!"
20. "Well, nobody's perfect."

=

The movies they are from, along with notes:

1. Bette Davis, "All About Eve".
2. Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca".
3. Whispered to Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense"
4. 'Norma Desmond', "Sunset Blvd."
5. From the Coppola feature film "Apocalypse Now".
6. A name shouted in "A Streetcar Named Desire".
7. A toy puppet says that to a boy in "E.T."
8. Screamed at Tom Cruise in "A Few Good Men".
9. Robin Williams, "Dead Poets Society".
10. Orson Welles, "Citizen Kane".
11. The mafia team motto in "The Godfather".
12. The line of a female diner in "When Harry Met Sally".
13. First uttered in "Dr. No".
14. Vivien Leigh, "Gone With the Wind".
15. 'Goose' and 'Maverick', "Top Gun".
16. The line of the abusive guy in "Cool Hand Luke".
17. The idea obeyed in "Field of Dreams".
18. 'Hannibal Lecter', "The Silence of the Lambs".
19. The famous "Jerry Maguire" catchphrase.
20. The last line of "Some Like It Hot".

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
His huge dong =
God, he is HUNG!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The moment I value more is very brief ~
but the memory is alive in me forever.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mankind's Evolution:

Eukaryotic cells
Vertebrates
Reptiles
Great Apes
Hominina Subtribe
Homo Sapiens
Modern Humans
=
Human Devolution:

Keats Odes
Albert Einstein
Top IBM Programmers
Boris Yeltsin
Techno Music
Keanu Reeves

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The 2003 First Place Winner of Technical Standards' Worst Manual Contest: "A Butchers Trolley":

ASSEMBLY PROCEDURE

1. Be tights part E with part I together by fitting M. Also can be installation handle part J in this side.

2. Be tights part D with part H together by fitting M. Like a step No. 1. And may be installation handle in this side too. Use corner fitting to be holds the Bottle rack.

3. To connects the both side legs with Back frame part G. Then ware Wire tray along the position itself and tighten each corner.

4. Assemble wood top with drawer divider. And bring part from Step No. 3 turn around to back of wood top (from picture) then tights wood top with housing and ware all casters to position. When this step finished turn around it again. Be CAREFUL top wood face!

5. Input the Drawers.

6. Test stranger & use on.

=

Proper instructions for assembling Ikea furniture:

1. Rip the PRODBLATT's package open. Notice that it's brown and that's the wrong effing color. Wonder if 'PRODBLATT' meant 'Ignore the client's words' in Sweden.

2. Remove the cheap parts, 132 plastic bolts and basic manual. Gawk at the nonsensical drawings.

3. As they instruct, fit the drawer in with that flattened bolt thingy and NOT with the pitchfork. Wait, what?

4. Cut digit on a sharp piece of plywood. Utter passionate obscenities. Dab digit with the manual to absorb the dripping blood. It won't help matters anyhow.

5. Grow madder. Decide to rely on instincts.

6. Congrats, the PRODBLATT Letter-Sorting Hutch 300 is finished! But alas, so are you, being carted off to the nearest rest-home and all. Just hope there are better solutions there for sorting mail.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The full lyrics of the song "Tears Dry On Their Own"

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A shared illusion ~
is all in our heads.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bad people rotting in hell =
e.g. Hitler, Pol Pot, Bin Laden.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?=
Author Adams feels he's quite intuitive when he invents the great line: "Forty two".

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 108

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mad genius Dr. No =
Dangerous mind!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Poet's Calendar

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The politician's career =
Practice lies on the air.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer Adele =
A legend is there.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[William Shakespeare's sonnet pair that deals with the 4 elements (44-45) is anagrammed into 4 poems about the role each element plays in nature, with fitting acrostics.]

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Injurious distance should not stop my way;
For then despite of space I would be brought,
From limits far remote where thou dost stay.
No matter then although my foot did stand
Upon the farthest earth removed from thee;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land
As soon as think the place where he would be.
But ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
But that so much of earth and water wrought
I must attend time's leisure with my moan,
Receiving nought by elements so slow
But heavy tears, badges of either's woe.

The other two, slight air and purging fire,
Are both with thee, wherever I abide;
The first my thought, the other my desire,
These present-absent with swift motion slide.
For when these quicker elements are gone
In tender embassy of love to thee,
My life, being made of four, with two alone
Sinks down to death, oppress'd with melancholy;
Until life's composition be recured
By those swift messengers return'd from thee,
Who even but now come back again, assured
Of thy fair health, recounting it to me:
This told, I joy; but then no longer glad,
I send them back again and straight grow sad.

=

The Four Forces

Ferocious flames! How hurtful, at their worst,
Incinerating forests in a flash,
Reducing with those mammoth, brutal bursts
Each tree into this barren pile of ash;
But often, fires of this major scope
Just judge the budding plant's attempt to cope -
And gift the strongest bulb that second hope.

As gloomy clouds go by like puffs of smoke,
I latch onto this muse they leave behind,
Remembering the moments they evoke,
The poignant thoughts which haunt my heavy mind.
But those become unravelled as I stare;
It's truly hard to grasp the When and Where -
For memories are fluent as the air.

When Nature had enough of summer strife
And bathes this meadow with a sweeping flood,
The most unhealthy weed might come to life,
Emerging in that puddle in the mud.
Rain can erode the mountain with its flow,
But tends to wash away the numbing woe -
Like wild weeds by the road, life needs to grow.

Eternal flame or cloud or stormy gloom
Are but null things to those within the earth;
Roots won't depart the quiet of her womb -
They've been below that gorgeous ground from birth.
How good it feels, in these embattled days,
To know that even when the sky is gray,
There is one solid thing that's here to stay.

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nesting goose =
Sits on one egg.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' =
His masterpiece of modern style.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Nuclear Iranis ~
can ruin Israel.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
=
A tweeter: Typing a million and a half dumb posts in a week to say he has no free time.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
World's Greatest Drawings

18. The Parnassus
17. Two Sisters (On The Terrace)
16. Adam and Eve
15. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon
14. Starry Night Over the Rhone
13. Allegory of Age Governed by Prudence
12. Burning of the Houses of Parliament
11. The Crucifixion of Saint Peter
10. Diana and Callisto
9. House of Stairs
8. Massacre at Chios
7. Impression, Sunrise
6. Slave Market with the Disappearing Bust of Voltaire
5. Girl With A Pearl Earring
4. Dull Gret (Mad Meg)
3. Night Watch
2. Sistine Chapel Murals
1. Mona Lisa

=

18. Raphael's homage to the poet
17. Renoir's vivid portrait
16. Durer's tale of sin
15. Picasso's astute art twist
14. Van Gogh's nature image
13. Titian's three-headed human
12. Turner's raw fire
11. Caravaggio's essential work
10. Rubens' giant women
9. Escher's visual dementia
8. Delacroix's sad figures
7. Monet's French dawn
6. Dali's optical illusion
5. Vermeer's pretty lass
4. Bruegel's hellish anarchy
3. Rembrandt's play of light and shadow
2. Michelangelo's offering to the pope
1. Leonardo's enigmatic grin.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[March marks the spring migration of some birds from Africa to Europe. Below, the poem Wild Pigeon is anagrammed into 4 poems following the imaginary route of such a bird.]

Wild Pigeon
Isaac McLellan

The Autumn day is fleck'd with gold,
As slow the twilight sun declines;
The western cloud's encrimson'd fold
With a surpassing beauty shines;
And as the deep'ning shadows creep
Athwart the glimmering landscape's breast,
And o'er the purpling mountains sweep,
The drowsy breezes sink to rest.
The roe buck to his dingle goes,
Where thick the wood its covert throws;
The red stag that had paus'd to drink
Beside the rivulet's plashy brink,
Exhausted flings his dappled side
Along the clear, pellucid tide.
'Tis then the pigeons seek the wood
To roost, a swarming multitude.

Deep in Wisconsin wilderness,
Or forests vast of Michigan,
The bending boughs their bosoms press,
The air their clanging pinions fan.
So great their numbers, hunters say
They bend the bough and break the spray,
And when their frighten'd myriads rise,
'Tis like the thunder of the skies.

Years since in forests of the East
They gather'd to the harvest feast;
They swarm'd by river and by shore,
In vast flocks flew the pastures o'er;
They swept innumerable the plain,
Gleaning the corn-seed and the grain;
Then, winging to some grove their flight,
Sought roosting-places for the night.

When emigration to the West
In eager emulation press'd,
And axe and plough and farmer's toil
Open'd the treasures of new soil;
And million acres of the wheat
Ripen'd in summer's fervid heat,
And bearded rye and yellow corn
Shook their bright tresses in the morn;
Then to those fields and pastures new
These emigrants on pinions flew.

When June with rose-red cheeks aglow
O'er banks wild strawberries doth strew;
When August on the sunny hills
With sweets the luscious blueberry fills,
And o'er the heated pasture pours
The blackberries in honey'd stores,
And ripens on the swinging vine
The grapes, like amethysts that shine--
Then to this ripe, abundant fare,
So sweet, the pigeon-flocks repair,
Sharing the never-cloying feast
Our Maker offers to the guest.

=

Spring Passage of the Turtle Doves

The Temple Mount in Jerusalem, Israel

The highbrowed crowds increasing by the hour
Go by the hundreds to that shrine and gem,
Drawn to the Western Wall's enduring power -
For its sound spell expels the dread in them.
Blessed wishes fill the sky, each word afloat
Where sadness underlines awe-filled devotion;
The trusting monologues within the note
Are means to draft this hidden Hebrew notion:
The anguished theists ask, with bated breath,
If He represses sickness... even death.

Central Athens, Greece

The Zappeion and hallowed Parthenon
Are perfect for a humbled delegation -
The buses keep arriving by the ton,
Amassing as one epic winged migration;
It goes amiss as seasons shift all year
In towns where idle warmth is downright rare,
But yours, O Greece, persists so purely here,
For Athens' gift is sunshine everywhere.
Greek goddesses sit passively, in grace,
To greet the masses praising their rich place.

Cathedral in the town of Assisi, Italy

The town might not be highly known, and yet
The wisest people with a bent for art
Cross lakes and walk with the intent to get
To chaste Assisi's striking depth and heart;
The brushwork of the splendid Giotto there
Intrigues with patterns filled with veneration
And wakes the artists' sudden need of flair -
The naves' mere lushness might prompt more creation.
Above these treats, the sky won't dare to frown;
Like nobles, it shall nurture that prime town.

Luxembourg Gardens in Paris, France

The happy cuddle on one wooden bench
By fetching ponds should often yield romance;
The dusks are sluggish, while the doting French
Press on, subsiding as they end their dance.
Friends cross the paths adorned with cheerful growth
And grasp the fountain's beauty there, in twilight;
Nearby, succumbing to its hold on both,
The lovers' murmurs spur some winning highlight.
Unbroken kisses spark so suddenly
If they are kisses in this garden glee.

The twist: When all of the S's are highlighted in the poem bodies, they depict the protagonist...

The highbrowed crowds increasing by the hour
Go by the hundreds to that shrine and gem,
Drawn to the Western Wall's enduring power -
For its sound spell expels the dread in them.
Blessed wishes fill the sky, each word afloat
Where sadness underlines awe-filled devotion;
The trusting monologues within the note
Are means to draft this hidden Hebrew notion:
The anguished theists ask, with bated breath,
If He represses sickness... even death.

The Zappeion and hallowed Parthenon
Are perfect for a humbled delegation -
The buses keep arriving by the ton,
Amassing as one epic winged migration;
It goes amiss as seasons shift all year
In towns where idle warmth is downright rare,
But yours, O Greece, persists so purely here,
For Athens' gift is sunshine everywhere.
Greek goddesses sit passively, in grace,
To greet the masses praising their rich place.

The town might not be highly known, and yet
The wisest people with a bent for art
Cross lakes and walk with the intent to get
To chaste Assisi's striking depth and heart;
The brushwork of the splendid Giotto there
Intrigues with patterns filled with veneration
And wakes the artists' sudden need of flair -
The naves' mere lushness might prompt more creation.
Above these treats, the sky won't dare to frown;
Like nobles, it shall nurture that prime town.

The happy cuddle on one wooden bench
By fetching ponds should often yield romance;
The dusks are sluggish while the doting French
Press on, subsiding, as they end their dance.
Friends cross the paths adorned with cheerful growth
And grasp the fountain's beauty there, in twilight;
Nearby, succumbing to its hold on both,
The lovers' murmurs spur some winning highlight.
Unbroken kisses spark so suddenly
If they are kisses in this garden glee.


...in motion:




RUDE CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A dildo serviced ~
divorced ladies.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Here are 2 short poems about Fall and Spring, anagrammed into each other:]

Tree in the Fall

Great plants in leafy suits galore
Shed all, surprised by nasty rain;
November wind's ecstatic roar
Shall be its ode to Fall again.

=

A Lost April

A live ballet of roasting rays
Established April's yellow flare;
Nights, ending faster, turn to days
And cleaner scents imbue the air.

[As an extra twist, I've also *ambigrammed* these poems into each other, which means that one turns into the other if turned upside down. As opposed to previous Ambi-Anagrams, I'm attaching the original sketches as I'm just useless with PC drawing tools... I hope you can see them alright:]



RUDE CATEGORY, April 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A french kiss is something cute, but ~
fucking in the ass is so much better!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: Darwin's evolutionary 'On the Origin of Species' =
It proved how our "Genesis" is one fictional yarn.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

To My Mother

Because I feel that, in the Heavens above,
The angels, whispering to one another,
Can find, among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of “Mother,”
Therefore by that dear name I long have called you—
You who are more than mother unto me,
And fill my heart of hearts, where Death installed you,
In setting my Virginia’s spirit free.
My mother—my own mother, who died early,
Was but the mother of myself; but you
Are mother to the one I loved so dearly,
And thus are dearer than the mother I knew
By that infinity with which my wife
Was dearer to my soul than its soul-life.

=

The Lady's Time in May

May weather often summoned memories
Of boyhood rainbows and of foolish youth;
The wealth that Nature lavished on her trees
Has made me fathom a refreshing truth -
Each of these light vignettes that come to mind
Remains a tribute to your image, Mother:
So natural with babies, so refined,
Devoted to a newborn like no other.
And when we reach the end of everything,
Your name may live forever in this earth,
Portrayed within the precious lines that sing
Of all that you have done for me from birth.
Eternally, the rhyme will show anew
My unrelenting loyalty to you.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Aesop's fable 'The Tortoise and the Hare' =
A pedestrian hero beat the fool's haste.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Alan Gould's 'Fifteen Statements in a Card Game' is anagrammed into four 13-line poems which imitate a 52-card deck: They each discuss a different card suit and its relation to a desired quality in poker, and also display each relevant suit visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies:]

You have been at this table several weeks.
And now you stare at cards that are no good.
The girl who stands behind you seldom speaks.
You would impress her if you only could.
There are no trumps, and someone lays the ace.
The girl has put her hand upon your cheek.
A scowl has passed across your partner's face.
You long for some result, some swift technique.
It scarcely matters if you win or lose.
The card you'll lay now is the vital one.
The girl will indicate which one to choose.
If it's the joker then the game is won.
You've never had the joker in your hand.
You'll win and lose, and die here. This was planned.

=

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable

Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.

=

The Players' Inner Diamonds

The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.

=

Wisdom of the Heart

Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.

=

One Tool That We Must Surely Carry

Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.

[The 4 x 13-line poems imitate a 52 card deck; each of them not only discusses a different card suit - but also displays it visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies, respectively:]

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable


Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.


=


The Players' Inner Diamonds


The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.


=


Wisdom of the Heart


Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.


=


One Tool That We Must Surely Carry


Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.



ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"God has seen your tears and heard your prayers. Do not grieve. The Little One will not die. Do not allow the doctors to bother him too much."
=
Oh, you have got to locate:
* Moldy yew
* Boar's leg (old or dried)
* Rodent urine (not sweat!)
* Iron Nitrate
* Horned Io Moths
That secret should help.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Shakespeare's star-themed sonnet anagrammed into a poetic model of the solar system, which is also illustruated.]

Sonnet Number Fourteen
Written by William Shakespeare

Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
And yet methinks I have Astronomy,
But not to tell of good or evil luck,
Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;
Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,
Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,
Or say with princes if it shall go well
By oft predict that I in heaven find:
But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive,
And, constant stars, in them I read such art
As truth and beauty shall together thrive,
If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert;
Or else of thee this I prognosticate:
Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date.

SUN

That fervent orb,
It lit the day -
It is the source
Of morning rays.

MERCURY

The messenger
That tailed the sun
Obeyed her call -
Her will be done.

VENUS

That cuter nymph
Of lust and love
Intends to flirt
And wink above.

EARTH

A shoddy rock
And home to Man -
The cryptic twist
To God's old plan.

MARS

The crimson star
Unfit for life,
For it will be
A risky strife.

JUPITER

The most divine
Of Roman Lords,
It weighs a lot -
Too large for words.

SATURN

The Lord of Time,
Of Then and Soon,
It is confined
By many moons.

URANUS

It ruled the sky
As Gaia's son,
Yet now it is
The butt of puns.

NEPTUNE

The planet dyed
A quiet blue;
The Ocean King
Gave it that hue.

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The sprinter Usain Bolt =
His plan is to run better.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere." - the late Helen Gurley Brown, international editor of Cosmopolitan.
="Retain*a*tone:
 That
*rosy*giggle...
 Not
*edgy*banter,
 Then
*a*wiggle!"

"No,
*be*no*fool!
 Lord
*-*I*implore!
 Heroic
*lovers
 Valued
*whores!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:[As a tribute to the London Olympics that started in July, Amy Levy's poem 'London in July' is anagrammed into 5 poems about 5 of the most decorated Olympic athletes of all time, each from a different sport and continent (and as a point of interest, each poem also uses a different animal metaphor).
As an extra twist, The anagrams also contain a visual Olympic tribute, detailed below.]

London in July by Amy Levy

What ails my senses thus to cheat?
What is it ails the place,
That all the people in the street
Should wear one woman's face?

The London trees are dusty-brown
Beneath the summer sky;
My love, she dwells in London town,
Nor leaves it in July.

O various and intricate maze,
Wide waste of square and street;
Where, missing through unnumbered days,
We twain at last may meet!

And who cries out on crowd and mart?
Who prates of stream and sea?
The summer in the city's heart -
That is enough for me.

=

Australia: Swimmer Ian Thorpe

What winning strokes and awesome thrusts!
The crowd that gazes at the pool
Enjoys your flawless moves, I trust:
Olympic myths are valid jewels.
Dynamic rhythm, now enhanced
By smoothly-running aqua-limbs,
May hand you one insane advance:
Today, you'd rule the wildest swims.
We tend to hear old fantasies
Of 'dolphin men' that seem untrue,
Of men that tour the Seven Seas,
Or tried to tame the ocean-blue -
But when we see this water trail,
We learn these are not children's tales.

=

Europe: Beam champion Nadia Comaneci

That lucent wonder, quick and small,
She'd stun the world at just fourteen
And show us all in Montreal
The most mature routine we've seen.
With twirls and cartwheels done with ease,
That sunny gymnast came to win;
Alert, yet airy as a breeze,
She may be truly blessed within.
The joy of her young art invites
A drowsy memory most fond,
With shiny, yellow summer light
And swans that are in love on ponds:
The sweetest one that floated there
Had poise as marvelous as hers.

=

America: Runner Carl Lewis

No man will thwart the Jaguar's will
Whenever he devotes that might
To win the prey by sitting still,
Quite soundly, ready for that bite.
Those sweaty arms may not seem sound,
Those steady jaws may not seem mean;
The aches may bud, yet he is bound
To sit here anyway, unseen.
The mind's so razor-sharp and deep
That when those moments come at last,
Our virile cat would make that leap
No soul would flee, however fast...
And when their race is run and done,
All 'winners' must consist of one.

=

Africa: Marathoner Haile Gebrselassie

He'd run upwind just after dawn
Across green miles to come to class -
It's how he would attain the brawn,
But never ever too much mass.
So now, the solid swifter man
Remains quite sinewy, yet lean;
That wiz - as only his type can -
Breathes smoothly, totally serene.
He'd wend his way and play it smart,
And, on one mostly steady trend,
That runner who stays young at heart
Would have momentum in the end:
Just like wild antelopes must roam,
He'd view the course, then feel at home.

=

Asia: Diver Guo Jingjing

Our mannered woman won the prize
With water stunts quite smooth and clear
That multiplied before my eyes -
The most unreal display that year.
She'd match one osprey's levity,
As someone that surveys the sky:
That shrewd and scrawny entity
That I can seldom see fly by;
When Autumn's sun would wane near me -
That warm scene in those mellow tones -
One bird would fall into the sea
To snare some wealth of trouts, alone...
But medals are her wealth instead -
With China's crimson overhead.
=

These poems also employ different colors to depict each athlete. This is no coincidence: When these colors are applied to the Y's in each poem in a monospaced font, 5 strategically-placed rings appear:

Australia: Swimmer Ian Thorpe

What winning strokes and awesome thrusts!
The crowd that gazes at the pool
Enjoys your flawless moves, I trust:
Olympic myths are valid jewels.
Dynamic rhythm, now enhanced
By smoothly-running aqua-limbs,
May hand you one insane advance:
Today, you'd rule the wildest swims.
We tend to hear old fantasies
Of 'dolphin men' that seem untrue,
Of men that tour the Seven Seas,
Or tried to tame the ocean-blue -
But when we see this water trail,
We learn these are not children's tales.

=

Europe: Beam champion Nadia Comaneci

That lucent wonder, quick and small,
She'd stun the world at just fourteen
And show us all in Montreal
The most mature routine we've seen.
With twirls and cartwheels done with ease,
That sunny gymnast came to win;
Alert, yet airy as a breeze,
She may be truly blessed within.
The joy of her young art invites
A drowsy memory most fond,
With shiny, yellow summer light
And swans that are in love on ponds:
The sweetest one that floated there
Had poise as marvelous as hers.

=

America: Runner Carl Lewis

No man will thwart the Jaguar's will
Whenever he devotes that might
To win the prey by sitting still,
Quite soundly, ready for that bite.
Those sweaty arms may not seem sound,
Those steady jaws may not seem mean;
The aches may bud, yet he is bound
To sit here anyway, unseen.
The mind's so razor-sharp and deep
That when those moments come at last,
Our virile cat would make that leap
No soul would flee, however fast...
And when their race is run and done,
All 'winners' must consist of one.

=

Africa: Marathoner Haile Gebrselassie

He'd run upwind just after dawn
Across green miles to come to class -
It's how he would attain the brawn,
But never ever too much mass.
So now, the solid swifter man
Remains quite sinewy, yet lean;
That wiz - as only his type can -
Breathes smoothly, totally serene.
He'd wend his way and play it smart,
And, on one mostly steady trend,
That runner who stays young at heart
Would have momentum in the end:
Just like wild antelopes must roam,
He'd view the course, then feel at home.

=

Asia: Diver Guo Jingjing

Our mannered woman won the prize
With water stunts quite smooth and clear
That multiplied before my eyes -
The most unreal display that year.
She'd match one osprey's levity,
As someone that surveys the sky:
That shrewd and scrawny entity
That I can seldom see fly by;
When Autumn's sun would wane near me -
That warm scene in those mellow tones -
One bird would fall into the sea
To snare some wealth of trouts, alone...
But medals are her wealth instead -
With China's crimson overhead.


And when the poems are superimposed, they form this:



GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A discount department store chain =
Rotten products made in East China.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The pictures of duchess Kate Middleton =
Did France disclose them to upset the UK?

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The group Spice Girls in their good old days:
- Sporty
- Posh
- Baby
- Scary
- Ginger
=
The Spice Girls today:
- Sloppy
- Bony
- Pre-Geriatric
- A Gross Body
- High On Drugs.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.
=
Islam is never hilarious, though. One cheap shot at their history, and there goes that US embassy.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Last year, during the 10th anniversary of the 9\11 attacks at the newly completed memorial site in NYC, one of the poems recited at the ceremony was "Turn Again To Life". Below is a poetic anagram of it inspired by a Biblical quote; the anagram also contains a visual tribute.]


Turn Again To Life, written by Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigil by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

=

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.


[For the 11th anniversary of 9\11, the anagram contains a visualization of the Twin Towers - and the number 11 - if one highlights the Biblical quote that inspired it, "In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls":]

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

[The quote is from Amos 9:11, a passage named "A Promise of Restoration".]

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The anti-impotence drugs =
Get this damn erection up!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirate costume for a Halloween party =
A parrot or eyepatch will often amuse!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The first edition of the Voyageur Press publication "How to Shovel Manure" by Gwen Petersen
=
We're supposed to believe that the useful hit is in fact NOT governor Romney's new biography?

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"
=

The egg.
Whatever a
hen's made out
of was not normal
chicken DNA quite
yet, according
to the rules
of science.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: Spirits of the Dead
A poem by Edgar Allan Poe

Thy soul shall find itself alone
Mid dark thoughts of the grey tombstone -
Not one of all the crowd to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy:

Be silent in that solitude
Which is not loneliness - for then
The spirits of the dead who stood
In life before thee are again
In death around thee - and their will
Shall then overshadow thee: be still

For the night - tho clear - shall frown
And the stars shall look not down
From their high thrones in the Heaven
With light like Hope to mortals given -
But their red orbs without beam
To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever
Which would cling to thee for ever:

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish -
Now are visions neer to vanish -
From thy spirit shall they pass
No more - like dew-drop from the grass:

The breeze - the breath of God - is still
And the mist upon the hill
Shadowy - shadowy - yet unbroken
Is a symbol and a token -
How it hangs upon the trees
A mystery of mysteries!

=

The Horrors of Halloween

How truly happy are those boys and girls
That all receive bright mints in spooky shapes
Or zany lollipops with rainbow swirls
To hold or eat in hokey hats or capes
Yes it is fun to do that to forget
But I am hapless as a half-believer -
Yet in a fashion I do not regret
For all that feel the bitter truth will shiver
That shadow on those homes then overwhelms -
Death tensely keeps its hold on those limp minds
For an indifferent tone spreads through that realm
As each forgetful fool in there turns blind
And that inhuman hush I felt each night
Amid the shadows and on filthy streets
It might foretell a raw and sober fright
When Id encounter some vile ghosts in sheets:
The shy distinguished harbingers of sorrow
They look attentively then scheme to end
The human infestation in their borough
With moody Halloween around the bend
A darkness overtook this hollow globe
And when we choose to yield well be enrobed



[In the spirit of the holiday the anagram really is haunted by a ghost No need to highlight any letters though if youre not seeing it just yet simply squint hard (or unfocus your eyes and stare at the word hapless for a few seconds)]

Happy Halloween!

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monet's series of Water Lily drawings =
My art is sweet garden flowers, in oils.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Barack Obama is re-elected =
Back to be America's leader.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American elections =
I see no real chance, Mitt!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Five of the species that face extinction:
1. Luristan newts
2. Pygmy sloths
3. Liben larks
4. Edwards's pheasants
5. Sumatran rhinos.
=
Five species that truly SHOULD be extinct:
1. Spammers
2. Phonies
3. Wrestling fans
4. Kardashian fans
5. Reality show contestants.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
"Not coke." Whitney Houston
"So forget that." Amy Winehouse
"Overrated." Truman Capote
"Very bad." Elvis
"Cool!" Lindsay Lohan

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

[These 4 poems each depict a different stage in life - In utero, young love, parenthood and old age. In addition, there's also a gradual progression in the way they're anagrammed into one another: The 2nd poem is a sentence anagram of the 1st, the 3rd is a word anagram of it and the 4th is a standard letter anagram. Enjoy!]


Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems;
That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The fine bond with another human heart
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Her promises and days yours from the start.
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art,
And she determines quite more than you know
The future love with whom you'd never part;
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow.

=

That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The future love with whom you'd never part
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems -
The fine bond with another human heart.
And she determines quite more than you know,
Her promises and days yours from the start:
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art.

=

But later still, the embryo is yours,
A piece of you within her mother's womb,
One human whom you'd love forevermore
And point her far away from woe and gloom -
Which is, more than another bond, so deep
For it in fact determines your dream child;
She is, in part, the promises you keep,
That fine art with a heart, while not as mild.
The days start fleeting and will grow intense,
The distant future never seems quite light
But with love's guiding gleam, its influence,
You know she'll reign supreme and age just right.

=

More summers passed. The girl has grown and thrived
While raising merry youngsters of her own,
And now, the final moment has arrived;
The room is empty and you are alone.
Yeah, life was often bleak or rather cruel,
But it's equipped with madly epic stuff;
If all there is are those few precious jewels
It definitely would've been enough.
And though the guiding light's no longer lit,
There is a special bond you've known from birth,
And that means you must now commit to it...
It's time to reunite with Mother Earth.

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A ten-inch steel vibrator =
Bet it's nicer than a lover!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional waitress =
Tip was so essential for her.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The sprinter Oscar Pistorius =
Superior star in prosthetics.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The National Rifle Association of America =
I note it's fatal if in a school area or cinema.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
(Yeats, 'The Second Coming') =
December brought no messy deaths,
Eternal sobs or clash -
But one thing did outmatch us...
That we are too low on cash.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Riding upon the Goat, with snow-white hair,
I come, the last of all. This crown of mine
Is of the holly; in my hand I bear
The thyrsus, tipped with fragrant cones of pine.
I celebrate the birth of the Divine,
And the return of the Saturnian reign;
My songs are carols sung at every shrine,
Proclaiming "Peace on earth, good will to men."

=

A Poem on Issues of Destiny

A sense of wonder welcoming with mirth
New products of the miracle of birth
Beginning then their trip upon this Earth
Leads nowhere - though it may give you relief
To change that and promote this right belief:
An early, harsh conviction that we all
End in this roaring fire no prayer can stall.

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Taking down your Christmas lights =
Guy's task list: "Do right now in March".

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama's second administration =
A man promised to end a nation's debt crisis.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste." - Jean de la Bruyere
=
There is no damn chance, Jean, if even Paris Hilton reels in a creepily huge number of Twitter friends.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

To The Evening Rainbow by Robert Southey

Mild arch of promise! On the evening sky
Thou shinest fair with many a lovely ray
Each in the other melting. Much mine eye
Delights to linger on thee; for the day,
Changeful and many-weather'd, seem'd to smile
Flashing brief splendor thro' its clouds awhile,
That deepen'd dark anon and fell in rain:
But pleasant it is now to pause, and view
Thy various tints of frail and watery hue,
And think the storm shall not return again.
Such is the smile that Piety bestows
On the good man's pale cheek, when he in peace
Departing gently from a world of woes,
Anticipates the realm where sorrows cease.

=

The Heat of the Israeli winter

Rain shocks us when we hear that thunder's roar,
Regaling as we watch it plump and pour.
One flood can drench the crops and heal them so,
Our fields will be so pained to see that go:
Yeah, we may feel the odd resplendent spray,
Yet none of them are then too keen to stay.
Great streams in other lands may flow among
Green pine trees, which can then grow thick and strong,
But in my homeland, as a rule of thumb,
Brief showers end, and plants stay mainly numb.
I wish I'd touched one bit of snow, yet I
Inherit these annoying stimuli:
Vile rays of light that pierce me like a shiv,
Veiled in that early fog in Tel Aviv.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Vatican's palace =
A place is vacant.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The little Love-god lying once asleep
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep
Came tripping by; but in her maiden hand
The fairest votary took up that fire
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed;
And so the general of hot desire
Was sleeping by a virgin hand disarmed.
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,
Which from Love's fire took heat perpetual,
Growing a bath and healthful remedy
For men diseased; but I, my mistress' thrall,
Came there for cure, and this by that I prove,
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.

=

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.


The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigh,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyes
By trying hard and aiming high:
Creative odes performed with glee
Might promptly answer her brief plea;
One poem will prevent that war,
Establishing a firm rapport.

[The first 2 acrostics are formed by the Female poem's first letters and the Male poem's last letters:]

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Not  very  pleased  with me  -  yet  I
Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.



The 3rd acrostic is formed by the poems' other set of last & first letters, but only appears when the Female & Male poems intermingle:


What This Lady Likes Most       The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

He'd call me  Peach  and HoneydeW,
                                Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Ensuring that  his  love  is truE;
                                Not  very pleased  with  me  -  yet  I
Romantic odes  make  their  debuT -
                                Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
However droll,  they  will not dO.
                                By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Each ode and bluff can be his foE
                                Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
And can dissolve  this status quO;
                                Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
Real love is friendly and mundanE -
                                One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Though it's a hard one  to obtaiN.
                                Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The film actresses of porno =
Lots of sperm on their faces.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2013:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The wonderful season of spring =
Open flowers found in the grass.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fictional hero James Bond =
I often charm ladies on the job.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Francis the First =
Perfect for saintship.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)
=
That's a fraud, Maggie. You show me that "a woman of action isn't keen on remarks"... with a damn saying.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The richest people in the world:

1. Bill Gates
2. Carlos Slim
3. Warren Buffett
4. Amancio Ortega
5. Ingvar Kamprad
=
1. Smart PC nerd
2. Fat cellphone bigwig
3. Superb investor from Omaha
4. Clothing-retail stalwart
5. IKEA leader

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I see your condition through my telescope. We have intercepted your supplies. Give in like a good fellow, and bring your garrison to dinner, and beds afterwards. Nobody injured, I hope?"
=
I do believe being cornered is crippling you.
Lose your pride for one night, guys.
I know how dispirited you ruthless cannon-fodder are.
Join me and we'd have plenty to toast!

Beauregard

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

It seemed to be but chance, yet who shall say
That 'twas not part of Nature's own sweet way
That on the field where once the cannon's breath
Laid many a hero cold and stark in death,
Some little children, in the after-years,
Had come to play among the grassy spears,
And, all unheeding, when their romp was done,
Had left a wreath of wild flowers over one
Who fought to save his country, and whose lot
It was to die unknown and rest forgot?

=

May Dawning
Each glance she chances out the window now
May add one wrinkle to the widow's brow.
One chatty thrush appears to mock her gloom;
Red roses are a tense display of doom...
It pains her that her heart has been undone,
And yet - as hastily the coastal sun
Looms ever-softly over her front lawn,
Defiance thaws her at the red of dawn:
A loathed fate dealt her one astounding blow,
Yet Life won't let that thwart its stunning flow.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Set in one's ways =
"New" isn't so easy.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Dante Gabriel Rossetti's sonnet 'The Vase of Life' anagrammed into a sonnet about a Ming Vase with two relevant constraints]


Around the vase of Life at your slow pace
He has not crept, but turned it with his hands,
And all its sides already understands.
There, girt, one breathes alert for some great race;
Whose road runs far by sands and fruitful space;
Who laughs, yet through the jolly throng has pass'd;
Who weeps, nor stays for weeping; who at last,
A youth, stands somewhere crowned, with silent face.
And he has filled this vase with wine for blood,
With blood for tears, with spice for burning vow,
With watered flowers for buried love most fit;
And would have cast it shattered to the flood,
Yet in Fate's name has kept it whole; which now
Stands empty till his ashes fall in it.
=

What Truth Hides in a Piece of China?

This gloss, straight from the halls of royalty,
Has hardly waned a bit, but rather thrived;
Each passing decade made this subtlety
More marvelous than ever... and alive.
In older days of awful wrath and strife,
No warrior would dare to scratch this face;
Great lords, who often knew the joys of life,
Dreamt, spellbound, to possess the fabled vase.
Yet, when we watch this white and florid shell,
Now showcased, poignant, in that house of arts,
A wish for greatness flows through us as well,
So potent that it's bound to fill our hearts!
The beauty's pure as snow on winter flowers,
Yet deep within, we find its hidden powers.

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One steel vibrator =
Lover on batteries!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
South African president Mandela =
"Let's condemn apartheid as unfair!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American fast food giant McDonalds =
Digest a ton of fat and random chemicals.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Sonnet XCVI by William Shakespeare

Some say thy fault is youth, some wantonness;
Some say thy grace is youth and gentle sport;
Both grace and faults are lov'd of more and less:
Thou mak'st faults graces that to thee resort.
As on the finger of a throned queen
The basest jewel will be well esteem'd,
So are those errors that in thee are seen
To truths translated, and for true things deem'd.
How many lambs might the stern wolf betray,
If like a lamb he could his looks translate!
How many gazers mightst thou lead away,
If thou wouldst use the strength of all thy state!
But do not so; I love thee in such sort,
As, thou being mine, mine is thy good report.

=

That Next Stage After Death

How shall a slothful soul dodge Satan's fires?
A great asylum must be Heaven's gates
Though, when it's vying for those robes and lyres,
There is an urge to right those broken traits.
So how impure its many flaws may seem there?
A lot of pride won't ease the sky's blind forum;
Unshaken avarice snares no fans either -
But holy diligence does, with that quorum;
And zero moderation angers it:
The Holy Court destroys those that are loathsome.
No way to charm its eyeless staff with wit;
It lets no glutton eye that gentlest blossom.
Just follow modestly, be meek and humble
To reach that peace - and not Hell's noted rumbles.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Assad regime =
Gas is made there.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Here is the last question for LAPD cadets:

"Eccentric computer mogul Jeff Briggs sat at the head of the table in his manor. To his right were his 5 sons, all with party hats in different colors (red, blue, green, yellow and pink), different drinks (vodka, soda, ale, tea and martini), and each seated opposite a stuffed pet (dog, fox, mole, hen and sheep).

Suddenly, the room went dark. A moment later, a shot rang out.

When Jeff's old butler turned the lights on, he was shocked. Jeff was dead, shot in his back. His sons were standing, their drinks spilled and their hats in a pile on the floor... next to a smoking gun.

When the cops arrived, the butler said he saw, in the faint moonlight, some man in a red hat tossing the gun to the floor. The sons, however, could only remember a few facts:

- Hans hated foxes. He loved ale, but tasted the hot drink next to him by mistake;
- Noah sat between Al and Ron, then tasted the vodka of a son whose hat wasn't green; His drink and the pet in front of him shared a first letter.
- Ron said the son to his left, who wore a blue hat, sat in front of a hen, and someone in a yellow hat sat in front of a sheep;
- Joe loved tea. The son next to him wore a pink hat and sat closest to their dad;
- Al, who hated martinis, sat in front of a dog.

Can you figure out who the murderer is?"

=

Now, many tend to untangle this nonsense by entering the random data into a table:

SonDrinkPetSeat
J
o
e
N
o
a
h
R
o
n
A
l
H
a
n
s
V
o
d
k
a
S
o
d
a
A
l
e
T
e
a
M
a
r
t
i
n
i
D
o
g
F
o
x
M
o
l
e
H
e
n
S
h
e
e
p
F
i
r
s
t
S
e
c
o
n
d
T
h
i
r
d
F
o
u
r
t
h
F
i
f
t
h
H
a
t
Yellow                    
Blue                    
Red                    
Green                    
Pink                    
S
e
a
t
First               
Second               
Third               
Fourth               
Fifth               
P
e
t
Dog          
Fox          
Mole          
Hen          
Sheep          
D
r
i
n
k
Vodka     
Soda     
Ale     
Tea     
Martini     

Then, some deductive reasoning can help. For example, if a "*" character means a hit and a "\" means a miss, and we know that Hans drank ale, we draw "*" in the related square and "\" in the other ones in that row or column. Here's a finished grid, with Al as the answer:

SonDrinkPetSeat
J
o
e
N
o
a
h
R
o
n
A
l
H
a
n
s
V
o
d
k
a
S
o
d
a
A
l
e
T
e
a
M
a
r
t
i
n
i
D
o
g
F
o
x
M
o
l
e
H
e
n
S
h
e
e
p
F
i
r
s
t
S
e
c
o
n
d
T
h
i
r
d
F
o
u
r
t
h
F
i
f
t
h
H
a
t
Yellow\*\\\\*\\\\\\\*\\\*\
Blue*\\\\\\\*\\\\*\\*\\\
Red\\\*\*\\\\*\\\\\\\\*
Green\\*\\\\\\*\*\\\\\*\\
Pink\\\\*\\*\\\\*\\*\\\\
S
e
a
t
First\\\\*\\*\\\\*\\
Second*\\\\\\\*\\\\*\
Third\\*\\\\\\*\*\\\
Fourth\*\\\\*\\\\\\\*
Fifth\\\*\*\\\\*\\\\
P
e
t
Dog\\\*\*\\\\
Fox\\*\\\\\\*
Mole\\\\*\\*\\
Hen*\\\\\\\*\
Sheep\*\\\\*\\\
D
r
i
n
k
Vodka\\\*\
Soda\*\\\
Ale\\\\*
Tea*\\\\
Martini\\*\\

A few, on the other hand, did none of that and instead noted that: A. It's impossible to spot colors in the moonlight; B. The 5 sons were sitting when the lights went out somehow, and C. Father Jeff was shot from behind right after that, though his sons sat to his right. So the answer would be the butler. Those few tend to do well as detectives later on.

Of course, a lot of these may just be lucky guesses. It's always the butler.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[For the 1 year anniversary of Neil Armstrong's death, the poem Sonnet to the Moon is anagrammed into a sonnet that celebrates Neil in 3 different ways, detailed below:]

Sonnet to the Moon, Sir Philip Sidney

With how sad steps, O Moon, thou climb'st the skies,
How silently, and with how wan a face!
What may it be, that even in heavenly place
That busy Archer his sharp arrows tries?
Sure, if that long with love acquainted eyes
Can judge of love, thou feel'st a lover's case;
I read it in thy looks, thy languished grace
To me that feel the like thy state descries.
Then, even of fellowship, O Moon! tell me,
Is constant love deemed there but want of wit?
Are beauties there as proud as here they be?
Do they above love to be loved, and yet
Those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?
Do they call virtue there ungratefulness?

=
[Much like my tribute to Steve Jobs a couple of years back, this sonnet contains an acrostic (Neil A. Armstrong) and his famous quote ("That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind") - which itself draws the outline of a full moon, as displayed in this animated image:]

The Sweetest Pilot Who Touched The Heavens

No, Heaven's truest board of awesome worth
Evaluating deeds should not have fretted;
It never will receive a soul from Earth
Less worthy than the easy catch they've netted:
A wholesome knight that's still beloved today
And vowed to pay mankind one welcome service,
Respected truly for his small-town ways
More than this 'leap and step' on stony surface,
Shall join these giants, for he chose to be
The first of this one-in-a-billion crew.
Relieve this healthy Man of Piety,
Obey these ceaseless calls to let him through:
No birth upon this sphere - above it, too -
Gave us a buddy that was quite like you.

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cat is the master of the house =
It has to chase after the mouse!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
10 Plagues of Egypt

1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Lice
4. Wild animals or flies
5. Pestilence
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn

=

10 Blights of Modern Life

1. Cancer
2. Obesity
3. Hepatitis
4. Stroke
5. War
6. Debt
7. Illegal drugs
8. Fossil fuels
9. Local floods
10. No happiness

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Why American Football Is Better Than World Football

1. Because brute force is actually a part of this game and not considered a 'foul';
2. Because you can see all that action and players up close and don't feel like you're watching the whole game from a blimp;
3. Because our football games involve some complicated gameplay and a lot of strategies, as opposed to just a bunch of playground shin-kicking and spitting;
4. Because our half-time shows often involve Beyonce bouncing around in a thong and not some stupid field maintenance;
5. Because all the games end with a SCORE, for Pete's sake, and not in nil-nil after ninety minutes!

=

Why World Football Is Better Than American Football

1. Because many of the men are in fact fit enough to do a few sit ups and run a couple of laps;
2. Because those chaps are also unlikely to put on a helmet and nine hundred tons of immense protective gear like US players;
3. Because the famous World Cup final is indeed watched GLOBALLY and not just in America;
4. Because this game contains two forty-five-minute sets of thrilling, non-stop action, as opposed to one unremarkable second before cutting to a sickening commercial;
5. Because playing this game actually involves a foot and a bleeding ball, not a hand and a bloody egg!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

=

Briefly Reflecting On Grief

Restoring someone dreamed in art
Eventually did cure dark hearts;
Creations touch a warmth I lost,
Uniting me with harmless ghosts,
Perhaps because their quiet flare
Ensures I am not frozen there.
Relief felt after stress can be
A power which enables me
To go on when I feel quite rotten;
It's out of sight, yet not forgotten:
None of the scars and hazards could
Get me to overlook the Good.

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Two bullets in the head =
I bet the wound's lethal!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Perfect Day by Lou Reed

Just a perfect day,
Drink sangria in the park
And then later, when it gets dark, we go home.

Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too, and then home.

Oh, it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh, such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on...

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own, it's such fun.

Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself,
I thought I was someone else, someone good.

Oh, it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh, such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on...

You're going to reap just what you sow.

=

Goodbye, Lou Reed

To this gifted man!
He just brought us so much joy,
Each one of the tunes employs loads of depth.

Don't forget that man
Each time you pick up a pick,
And play "Egg Cream" with a kick, like his stuff.

To the edgy music man!
He's just the type we enjoy.
Oh, we cheer the man
Free of woe and soaring up,
So astute and rising up...

I applaud you, man,
No star made us weep like you.
Great poets are often few, so we ache.

Eulogize that man,
Read lyrics of lengthy songs
Like "Sweet Jane" and other strong, faded gifts.

Oh, weep for my edgy man
Unjustly taken today.
Rest in peace, my man,
Earning that euphoric joy,
Earning that euphoric joy...

Deep under us, you just live on.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet from Caelica

In night when colors all to black are cast,
Distinction lost, or gone down with the light,
The eye a watch to inward senses placed,
Not seeing, yet still having powers of sight,
Gives vain alarums to the inward sense
Where fear stirred up with witty tyranny
Confounds all powers, and thorough self-offense
Doth forge and raise impossibility:
Such as in thick depriving darknesses
Proper reflections of the error be
And images of self-confusednesses,
Which hurt imaginations only see;
And from this nothing seen, tells news of devils
Which but expressions be of inward evils.

=

Night of the Dead

When darling children go to find that treat
As corpses, vixens, ghosts and apparitions,
No witnesses and people serving sweets
Will find this scene obscene by definition.
We're willing to repress the wicked sight
So no one fathoms something more primeval:
The flippant tone in this October night
Conceals the real identity of Evil.
Why only focus on the wrongs within,
If Halloween is warding off such traces
Of any selfishness and daily sins?
God knows our florid masks are but our faces.
This is what children's costumes can reveal:
Their wrongs are false, but ours are very real.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

=
A virtual voyage in a battlefield's heart

That wealth at noon was quite a view
Here, in the field; how good to note
Each heather here prevailed and grew:
Great growth had formed a heavy coat.
Each youthful bird soared in the air,
Too smooth, too blithe and too naive.
That view may look too fine and fair,
Yet we once heard that looks deceive.
So, what faint thing can no one peep,
Beneath that view of peace and cheer,
Unheard-of, worn and wedged too deep,
Remaining faint too long, for years?
Great fear once ailed that stretch of land,
All through that time of pained contention;
Death governed it when legions grand
Did rotten things we wouldn't mention.
Respected war-gods clenched their teeth,
Each striving to maintain their might;
Steel sabers shot out of their sheaths,
So fiercely keen to clinch those fights;
But clever Earth, then scorched and dried,
Yearned to correct that dream we shattered;
A lot of troops that toiled there died,
But to that earth, it barely mattered:
Red poppies grow where brothers fought
And blades of grass where bodies fell.
Hate, pain and grievance were for naught,
Around that growth where pine trees dwell.
Men, blood-lust and their cannon's flare
Leave no vague trace out here, it seems,
In one vast piece of Heaven, where
No force but Nature reigned supreme.
Cool winds invade all that survived
On heavy vines that brave that chill.
Life carried on - it wants to thrive,
Now that the ground has had its fill.

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mandela, the president of South Africa =
"The land of our fathers is emancipated."

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The hooters of old Gran =
Those drag on the floor!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
High number at IQ test? =
The man's quite bright!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon is dead =
Oh dear... sad in Israel.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The notorious Lance Edward Armstrong =
A man with a record no longer so trusted.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best of 2013

1. Pope Francis
2. Nuclear deal with Iran
3. Rob Ford stories
4. Capital punishment is now in decline
5. The film 'Gravity'.
=
The Worst of 2013

1. Horrid fate of the Philippines
2. Mandela mourned
3. Syria conflict
4. Cunning NSA wiretaps
5. Bieber still active.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I see that the poor kid that answered these dumb questions got a zero on his test... I think that kid is brilliant!]

Q: What is the main reason for divorce
A: Marriage.

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with only one hand?
A: It must be easy if it only has one hand.

Q: How would you go many days without sleeping much?
A: I'll sleep at night.

~

Q: In which battle did Napoleon Bonaparte die?
A: His last battle.

Q: The Mississippi flows in which state?
A: Liquid state.

Q: It took eight men three years to complete the Washington Monument. How many years would it take fourteen men to do this?
A: Zero, since it's already built.

Q: If you had eight oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Freaky clown hands.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
As there was a small thing that he wanted to learn:
How his former short visit affected them all!
He wished to see people just having a ball.

He looked at each window in one vivid town...
But his chipper mood died and he wore a grave frown.
He saw no high spirits, not one celebration -
Those people were NOT full of Christmas elation.

They sat in each home with their faces all gray,
And stared at their Wiis and their iPhones all day.
The zombified children gaped blankly and drooled
While playing the new Candy Crush or Bejeweled.

They saw pets on Youtube (neglecting their own);
Each finger ran furiously on a phone...
This horror was harming their bodies and minds
And their dolls and hobbies were now left behind!

St. Nick had enough! He was mad, mad as hell!
He rushed to his workshop and, furious, yelled:
"Just what are those hellish machines you call 'toys'?
It hurts the poor kids! You're supposed to bring joy!

"From now on, the dang things that whiff of high-tech
Shall just go through me, for a personal check.
I'll fix this phenomenon once and for all..."
But Santa was wrong. This was not a good call.

When he used one iPhone, he was really hooked!
He sat gaping at Kindles with Stephen King books;
He Tweeted and Flickred well into the night
And Instagrammed selfies in chic black-and-white.

After many months, Christmas was nigh yet again -
But Santa still hadn't come out of his den!
His worried elves knew Santa had to be weaned:
It was time to unplug him from all his machines.

They tied him with sashes and one fluffy bow
While Santa was shaking there from head to toe;
They had him drink milk until they were all sure
That Santa, their hero, was finally cured.

But he had an idea! Oh, he wasn't quite through.
"My dear elves", he said, "there's one thing I should do."
He showed them the mainframes he wanted to hack
And then he commanded which ones to attack:

"Now Samsung! Now Sony! Now Apple! Now Dell!
Now LG and Nokia! Now AOL!
Upload all those viruses! Knock the lines down!
It is high time we took out the techies in town!"

And it worked! Everybody then shouted "Hurray"...
And something unusual happened that day.
With no wi-fi available in the whole place,
People actually started to talk FACE TO FACE!

The kids walked outside for the first time in days
Then, lo and behold - THEY ALL STARTED TO PLAY!
They ran in the parks, throwing snowballs with glee -
In short, they were being what children should be.

Now Santa was chuffed to the hundredth degree:
Both this town and himself were completely tech-free.
There was no single hellish device in his base...
Except for his iPad. You know, just in case.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Winter Games in Sochi =
There is magic in the snow!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fast-food restaurant chain McDonald's =
Adults faced months of constant diarrhea.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
I have a little test for you! It requires speed, but it's not that hard. Try to name the color of these things as fast as possible:


Cloud


Snow


A piece of paper


Oreo filling


Are you done? Great! Now say the name of that color aloud eight times fast.






QUICK!!! WHAT DO COWS DRINK?






No, weirdo, that's not true at all. You see, cows drink water, not milk.

=

If you liked that, here's another really nice trick (but this will also require speed). Repeat the following words to yourself:


Host


Most


Ghost


Roast


Coast


All done? Phenomenal! Now repeat the word Coast five times fast.






QUICK!!! WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?






No, I'm afraid you got confused again. We stick bread in the toaster, not toast.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things
The flow of — was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Downhill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they're gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.


=
His Kiss Her Kiss

His hands are very weak and wet Her features glow as she lies back,
As he advances awkwardly, And drops her guard for some sweet fling;
And knows just that he mustn't fret, He nervously planned to attack
And either ace this test or flee. And now, at last, it's happening.
But what if she will think his moves A golden moment would be good;
Are too intense... or not enough? Indeed, we want to be impressed -
So much to do with much to prove; But errors won't affect her mood:
It can be wise if he acts tough... That crafty move is not a test -
Chicks actually love that stuff. It's how he'd manage all the rest.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
>1st - Meyran Kraus with:
About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?

=


That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]


That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really nice pair of boobs ~
are probably of silicone.

 

Table of All-Time Winners


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