Anagrammy Winners by Richard Grantham

All the winning anagrams by Richard Grantham from the Anagrammy Awards.

LONG CATEGORY, November 1999:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
How many alt.anagrams subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? =
Thirty: one swami can tame such a task as others, babbling, do bugger-all.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' =
Sparse olive rod and/or shy face: time melts.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Roses are red
Violets are blue =
Beavers? I'd leer -
Arses rule, too!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Get Paid to Surf the Web
Are you an Internet User?
Do you realize how valuable you are?
AllAdvantage.com does, and they will pay you to surf the Web!
Visit www.alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=HKZ936 and join today.
No need to change your browser, email address, or Internet service provider. Just surf and earn.
Want More?
How about getting paid when your friends surf?
And their friends?
And THEIR friends?
Through the AllAdvantage.com referral program you can earn even more, a LOT more.
Join Now!
Use the referral ID# HKZ936 only once when you sign up.
It's TOTALLY FREE. It's TOTALLY PRIVATE. And SO SIMPLE!
For more information visit: www.alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=HKZ936

=

Are you in a rut? Dead bored? Or just a sadarse? Read on and learn...
I've found a great new way to party while YOU pay an arm and a leg to visit shite websites! It's easy, cheap (for me) and almost completely legal! Do you ever get anything from me? No! All just $399 down!
Puzzled? Here's my plan:
While you are off surfing, I will visit your house and FUCK YOUR GRANDMOTHER! That's right! And her arse, hard! The dear old bat won't know WHAT'S hit her rear end!
And for a dazzling encore, I'll root two or 3 guinea pigs! I've been fondling a Cavia porcellus ever since '93. Just try not to vomit at the view of me arse-fucking a poor rodent!

For more information:
www.fondle_a_nun's_beaver/weirdpervert/#666

 

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Try IT NOW, IT's Free and it Really does WORK
The makers of Thin & Slim Naturally are so confident that it will work for you that they will give you a FREE 30 day supply just for visiting their website: Thin & Slim Naturally suppresses appetite, boosts energy levels, and burns off unwanted white fat cells. Thin & Slim Naturally is the best product available for safe, simple and effective natural weight loss. But don't take our word for it, try it yourself for a full month... FREE!!
=
Do you feel yourself to be very fat? Doesn't matter whether you are - I don't care whether you're vast, bulimic or weigh ten kilograms, I simply want to rip you off fast with this nutty (but trendy) new water-free diet:
First of all I'll kill, fry up & serve (on buns) any birds, beasts, rats, insects & pet turtles I find around.
Then for dessert I'll jerk off in a tall glass (until full), pass it over & call it a Low-Fat, High-Protein Shake. (Smells fine!)
After that, you pay up ($30) and vomit lots. We all win!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Love is too young to know what conscience is

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
There was once a Princess who was searching for a Prince so that she may fall deeply in love She came upon a swamp where she saw a Frog. She felt a strange attraction for this creature. She cradled the Frog in her hand, then she kissed him. At once there was a huge flash of bright white light and the frog disappeared.... only to turn into a Prince!

She loved him at first sight.... and he loved her back...Yum Yum, Yum :) He thrusts forward sweeping her off his feet. They embrace passionately. Then they pause. She suddenly pushes him back and grabs the centre of her dress with both hands, and immediately forces open her dress, It splits down the middle instantly revealing the most beautiful manifestation of the female flesh: thirty-six pounds of firm tasty mouth watering flesh! He moves towards her, lifts her dress and .................

CLICK HERE

PLEASE FORWARD

=

Once upon a time, a pure, shy, innocent little girl was out in the woods collecting her hallucinogenic mushrooms when she came upon this small heap of spam in a marsh. It was an advertisement for a free sex site, and fetid and rotten beneath the surface, but since it was cleverly disguised as this sweet, shy, 'happily ever after' story and looked pretty, she passionately clicked it without further thought.

If only she hadn't... Within seconds she was transported to the far-off, harsh Wicked Kingdom of the Lewd where she was forced to boff everything in sight - sheer ugly fat people, her ferret, hams, trams, cheesy shop dummies, her dead rabbit, her heifer, an eel, a lamp post, farmhands' festering Wellingtons, flagstaffs, dumpsters, the Army, her heels, her arse, her father...

She had a harsh chafe-rash by midnight and she was dead from VD by three.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
America's Secret Police

Harassment groups in the United States have obtained advanced surveillance equipment and non-lethal weapons. These groups do illegal surveillance of the person they target and then attack that person with non-lethal weapons.

Men, women, and children with mental conditions are primary targets for these groups but a person's past history, current behavior, race, and sexual orientation could also qualify them as a target. Please read about these groups at the URL listed below. Nothing is for sale. If you have trouble accessing the web site please email me. Sorry if you receive this message more than once.

URL: http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/
Thank you, soundweapon@cs.com

=

U.S.A. PARANOIACS' CREED

We believe that you are all out to get us.

We believe God has granted us the right to possess quick-load automatic firearms and shoot proper cyanide-laden armour-piercing bullets as part of normal life.

We believe in Roswell and the total documentary truth of The X-Files; that nasty communists are under the bed; Democrats are a tool of Satan; the U.N. controls the puppet U.S. Congress and that President Clinton's an alien with three million squashy penises; the Net's a CIA plot, as were Vietnam, Lee Harvey Oswald, the men on the Moon, women's rights, Waco, 'race hate', Princess Diana, AOL, nuns, photocopiers...

We believe only God's help (or perhaps carrying a huge gun) can save us.

nutters@bunker.com

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
The Night Dances

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
These girls are barely legal. =
The "girls" are really beagles.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Looking for some hot young girls? Look no further. We have the freshest, youngest girls available. These girls are barely legal. This is the site you have been hearing about. We are the best rated adult site on the net!
Unsensored pics, live Cams, plus chat rooms where you can talk to our girls live! Don't wait, Get your full access trial today!!
http://3489887226/jm1/
To be removed email us at nothanks@mailandnews.com
=
Want to see hot pensioners? Seek no further. We have the hottest, raunchiest grandmas available. All of these babes are over seventy but they still like to 69!
Watch lewd octogenarian sluts shagging, live! Try our lurid 431-shot gallery of "Grans With Glans"!
Stick in your false teeth, get some edible Depends, take a valium (or your lithium) then join us @ "The Coma Roamer" (oedipusrules.com/82-72-88/oralcolostomybag)

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
William Shakespeare =
I'll make a wise phrase.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Quarter Pounders with Cheese =
It's queer how the crap endures.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The actor Douglas Fairbanks dies =
A big star had fucked a lot o' sirens.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes and how many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever banned?
=
The answer, my friend, is... ten. Maybe eleven. Honest.
What, seems too damn small? Or do you maybe wanna have a naff, touchy-feely sham answer, "man"? "Blowin' in the wind" or some pure sadarse lefty bollocks? Hah!
Dumbass.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Soldier

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Ethiopian war ceasefire =
A wish of peace in Eritrea.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
We are seeking Motivated individuals for National expansion.

Do you have AT LEAST 10 hours a week to devote to a new venture?

Work with some of Americas top entrepreneurs.

Start your own business now!

Turn-key system with multiple support partners.

Distribute a product that everyone needs while working part-time or full-time from home.

SOME INVESTMENT IS REQUIRED, however Start up funding is available.

If you are AT LEAST 18 years old, a U.S. resident and are CERTAIN you are ready for a new challenge in your life....

CLICK THE LINK BELOW, enter your information at our Website and we will contact you with complete details.

=

SONNET FROM DEBAUCHER GUY
(Writer: E. Barrett Browneye III)

How do we hate spam? Let me count the ways:
We loathe it like a vicious dose of clap;
Like Amway; searing coffee in your lap;
Or rat dung in our pot of mayonnaise.
'Tis like a pungent elevator fart,
A mound of mucous sputum in a street,
Or earwax painfully removed complete
While someone yodels "Achy Breaky Heart".
'Tis ever trite and rotten, never new
(No, twatlike runts prefer old crud instead);
How like an invitation to a view
Inside an arse possessed by Mister Ed.
Our anti-runt war's ruthless, 'tis quite true:
We've learnt to love it truly - when 'tis dead.

SPAM: KILL IT NOW - OR RUN!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2000:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
"Bugsy" Malone =
Mean, ugly S.O.B.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Psalm 51, Miserere mei

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Billions are to be paid out to the victims of lung and throat cancer =
Liable to ruin the five tobacco drug companies that lost? No, darn it!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
---DIRECTIONS---FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS---

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
ANAGRAMS
Sleep Deprivation

The Task
Our experiment was tested before Sleep Deprivation and after. Our test involved anagrams. There were 10 anagrams each 4 letters long that the subjects had to solve. The subjects were given one anagram and one plain sheet of paper at a time.
Once the anagram and paper were given to the subject, they had a maximum of 30 seconds to complete each anagram.
If the anagram was completed within the 30 second time limit, the time was recorded in a table. If the anagram was not completed in the 30 second time limit, not solved was written in the table. This was treated as 30 seconds. The average time taken for each subject before and after sleep deprivation was recorded.

The Result
The average time taken to solve the anagrams was 7.26 seconds before sleep deprivation and 6.5 seconds after. This difference is not significant.

Research conducted by Leanne Day, Julia Scott and Laura Hughes.

=

SLEEP DEPRIVATION
Anagrams

The Stated Aim
An experiment was devised to investigate a potential correlation between the compulsive creation of new anagrams and utter chronic sleep deprivation.
A subject gave himself three new 300-360 letter rude spamagrams to start and complete each night for fifteen weeks. Every second night he also had an estimated three to five hours of fantastic heated sex. We came and recorded the precise sleeping patterns in fine detail.
A control was given a nice sedate massage and a sweet romance novel, and made to lie down and get some sleep.

The Stated Result
The average (mean) time of the subject nodding off was 10:02 pm before these anagrams, 4:37 am after.
It is conceivable that this 6:35 adjournment could perhaps in part be attributable to anagrams. The subject, alas, doesn't see it like that.

Research conducted by Richard James Grantham and several others who know who they are.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Israeli general, Moshe Dayan =
Hail, great hairless one-eyed man!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"Have a nice huge piece of string tied onto the end of the barometer, and lower it down from the skyscraper roof out to the ground. The true length of the bit of string plus barometer too now equals the exact true height of given skyscraper. (Nice and simple to attain, I'd admit.)"

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

=
"Now I could drop it off the top of the skyscraper, measuring the precise time (t) 'til it takes to land. Height can then be ascertained using the nice tenet: H = half g x t squared. Sweet formula - even if a bit rough on my poor, dinted, now forever rooted barometer, though. Not too great."
=
"Or even measure off the length of barometer and of the short shadow when put erect, and the length of skyscraper shadow. Cite simple proportional arithmetic - height can quite easily be gotten out. Trite and/or kind of inexact, true, but good for me (I tend to get vertiginous)."
=
"You tie a short string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum - both at the ground level and on top of the skyscraper. The exact height can be deduced from the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = two pi times the square root of g to the power of minus one."
=
"More trite: if our skyscraper has a fire escape, first wander up to the top while measuring the building in precise barometer lengths. Then add them together to get a height. Not exactly too quick or fluent, however good and effective. (But to do that on and on... no, it's not for me!)"
=
"Now to be quite perfectly orthodox, of course, one might use a barometer to determine the air pressure up at the top of that skyscraper and then down at ground level, converting that difference in millibars into feet to get a height. And oh God how fucking tiresome that is."
=
"Exercising true independence of mind, though, might be to thump on the stout door of the poor fat caretakers to ask the direct, level question: 'Want to own a decent barometer? For I can give away this one for starters - after you tell me the proper height of this dang building!'"

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2000:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
Large breasts =
Great, braless.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Guys, does the size of your penis concern you?

Maybe you would be happier with an extra inch or two?

Would your partner be happier if you were bigger and thicker?

Are there always too many reasons not to make love any more?

Penis enlargement need not be an expensive or painful operation.

To learn more about our natural system, and read what other happy (and now more well endowed) clients have to say.

Follow this link now!!!

http://www.savecash.i12.com/penis-enlargement.htm

(this is not a vacuum system!)

Cheers
Richard Brooks

=

Women, do you worry about your clitoris?

Perhaps a larger one would please you more?

Now you can have the clitoris that you always dreamed about! Penis envy's a thing of the past after our revolutionary new program, which extends a clit by 1, 2, even a dozen or more inches!

No more excuses from inept men that are unable to find yours properly. No more wet hands when wanking. Visit today - be packing a watermelon in your pants in mere weeks! (Some talc on the knees and hips helps here.)

www.hermaphrodites.net/anabolic-tablets

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy =
O, it's a lovely thick novel!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, August 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
And with a blend of these four indivisible elements -
EARTH, both divine and life-fill'd, to imbue newnesses;
AIR's blow, undefined, not visible, that enmeshed life;
WATER, seem'd libation behind the fund of liveliness;
Blessed FIRE of the divine, now bated, still inhumane -
He made this oft-unbelievable world's infinite ends.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Genesis 1:1 - 2:3

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Stillborn

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Preamble to the United States Constitution

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
The song used in the film "Watership Down".

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
My White Cotton Panties are Rolled Down Over My Firm Tan Thighs!
And My Knees are Up Over My Head!!
Guess What You Can See?
=
Wow! I Can See Them - A Warty, Runny Minge, One Of Your Dodgy Herpetic Vulva Sores, And The Stinky Arsehole That Spammed Me!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
From: mem39@lycos.com
Subject: Get yourself out of debt

Have you considered all of the options available to you when needing that extra money or looking for savings on your current home loan. We can help you do both. Some of you are probably looking for extra money for things such as debt consolidation, home improvement, big purchases, business startups, or additional financing while others want to save on there current home loans with refinancing or even the best of both worlds refinancing with cash out to do with as you please. Let us offer you a free quote and see what we can do for you. You are under no obligation and the quote is free. We have helped finance millions of dollars worth of loans and want to make you our next loan. Click below for your free loan quote!!

http://mem3.pokeadot.com/loans.htm

To be removed or to go straight to our form click below

http://mem3.pokeadot.com/loans.htm

=

SPAMMERWOCKY

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Spammerwock, our son!
Foul cons that fool, queer lures that catch!
Beware conniving cunts, and shun
'Fun Fifteen-Year-Old Snatch'!"

O, I took yon mouse from off our floor,
Then took off to hunt our foe one noon;
Poor moi! Too fearful in my core -
No man, I felt a loon.

Until out of an Inbox, one appear'd -
One Spammerwock, to foully vex:
Offensive on the eye, it near'd,
Now roaring "Live Free Sex!!!!!"

At once I wrote one stroppy note
Concerning those quite horrid cunts
To 'abuse @ pokeadot dot com',
Who snuffed it out at once.

"O, hast thou slain the Spammerwock?
Hooray, O conqueror! Such clout!
O frabjous day! Callooooh! Callay!"
All people soon did shout.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Arsehole

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
If all the veins in my body were laid end-to-end, ~
then damn soon I will very definitely be dead!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Here are the 4 easy steps to success:

STEP 1: Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each piece of paper "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST." Now get 6 US $1 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 pieces of paper so the bill will not be seen through the envelope (to prevent thievery). Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal them. You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, each with a piece of paper stating the above phrase, your name and address, and a $1 bill. What you are doing is creating a service. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! You are requesting a legitimate service and you are paying for it!

Like most of us I was a little skeptical and a little worried about the legal aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that it is indeed legal. Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses:

#1) Jon Nagy
710 N.E.3rd Ave.
Delray Beach, FL 33444

#2) J. Drescher
P.O. Box 731
Hawley, Pa. 18428

#3) Aaron Roth
7718 Cambridge Court
Crestwood, Ky 40014

#4) Sathish Kumar S
8210 Gorman Avenue
Laurel, MD - 20707

#5) Wyatt LeClair
24119 W. Del Monte Dr.
Valencia, CA 91355

#6) Ernesto Rodriguez
503 Jon Ct.
Diamond Bar, Ca 91765

STEP 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR Name as number 6 on the list.

STEP 3: Copy and paste this article to a word document and change anything you need to, but try to keep this article as close to original as possible. Now, post your amended article to at least 200 newsgroups. (I think there are close to 24,000 groups) All you need is 200, but remember, the more you post, the more money you make! You won't get very much unless you post like crazy.

This is perfectly legal! If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18 Sec. 1302 and 1341 of the Postal lottery laws. Keep a copy of these steps for yourself and, whenever you need money, you can use it again, and again. PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants and by their carefully adhering to the directions. Look at it this way. If you are of integrity, the program will continue and the money that so many others have received will come your way.

=

Guys, are you concerned by the size of your old feller?

Feel you maybe need a little more endowment? Eager for 1, 2, even 4 more inches?

Help is on its way! Here are the 4 easy steps you need to get the mega-willy you've always wanted! Believe me, the plan really works - I myself gained 3.6666666667 inches, and you can too!

STEP 1: Carefully clean your cock with pure water and aloe vera soap, ensuring each cranny is completely free from every trace of smegma. Bathe it in tea tree oil and give it a final rinse, before gently patting the surface dry. Then chop off the useless frigging piece of meat.

STEP 2: Seal your tiny old doodah in plastic, place it in a thick envelope then mail it to the #1 name from the address list you see below:

#1) Fred Salerno
478 E 31st Street
San Francisco CA 94114
USA

#2) J.W. Bobbitt
10573 Machete Avenue
Beverly Hills CA 90210
USA

#3) Ed Windsor
c/o Round the back of Buck House
London SW1
Great Britain

#4) Larry Brash
P.O. BOX 312
The Junction NSW 2291
Australia

#5) Amélie Mauresmo
6275, rue Sappho 75010 Paris
France

By the way, I called the Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they established that it is indeed perfectly legal to post recently detached penises, as long as they've been properly wrapped. So as you see there's no need to stress yourself on this matter.

STEP 3: Move the names up a step. Drop name #1, append yours at the #5 level instead, and then post the message to at least 23,000 newsgroups (there are 24,000-plus). Any ought to do, but I suggest you ought to keep away from alt.personals.herpes.

I did all of this a while ago. To my amazement, inside ten weeks I received 1,088,037,580,134,481,114,307.5 cocks by mail - exactly 4 of which were larger than my old pee-pee.

STEP 4: Now call upon a capable micro-surgeon to attach the prick you've selected. If your specialist is unfamiliar with the operation, make sure to tell him to pay special attention to the dorsal vein and positioning the corpus cavernosa, and that the urethra needs particular care too. Alternatively, a quick round with a stapler ought to do the job.

That's all! So come on, what have you got to lose? I'm a changed man now, due to this scheme, and I promise it can help you too. I hope you're going to decide to give it a go.

David Bourke

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Soldier

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
What shall we do with the drunken sailor? =
We'll rush in, soak the old hand with water.
Rare old wino? We think we'd lash that lush!
Swill, hah? OK, hold that swine underwater!
O, we rut that dill so hard when he walks in!
We'll shit on that wanker's head. (How lurid!)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Part of the original press release for the Teletubbies from March 1997

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
An elderly Palm Beach citizen,
I leer at my bingo card:
To play it's rather easy, uh?
But *voting* there's too hard!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, December 2000:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
On the Twelfth day of Christmas

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2000:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Two carols made into anagrams of each other, followed by four-part choral arrangements of each that are also anagrams.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Hello everyone and welcome to this anagram. As the more perceptive of you must by now have noticed, it's quite an odd little 'gram indeed - and for a number of reasons of note. For starters it uses just about every letter, the sole exception being Z - shit, now I'll need to include this as well. (Fuck a duck, it's so irritating when this happens.) Anyhow, this little pangrammatic anagram (or should this instead read "an anagrammatic pangram"? I won't harp on it 'cause it'd expend the Ms and As much too swiftly) is most notable not for this, nor its unusual self-referential nature, but for a complete dearth of equals signs. They *are* here, but in a striking, bizarre and even nonsensical twist I decided to hide the lot and I'm not gonna say where. It's not a lie: people will just have to discover where they are themselves, and good luck to you - I have not made it that simple. Darn it, joins aren't even at beginnings of *words* let alone sentences, so added ingenuity is called for. To help all you poor amateur dolts, though, I can now divulge that the exact number of times my letter stack rolls up here is prime - rather hewing down the quantity of potential answers. But even now the size of your task is considerable, 'cos in a rare act of harsh sadism I made this damned anagram's letter total exactly two thousand, three hundred and ten (which I am sure you will all soon recognize as the product of two, three, five, seven and eleven). So rash messing about with the factors just won't be of any use, I'm so terribly sad to tell. (I *am* an irritating damn bitch, ain't I?) No, instead I advise you all to hunt for queer-seeming assortments (along the lines of peter piper picked a peck of pickled fuck I'm running out of Ps) where a sudden jump in a letter's frequency hints that a gap exists in that area - dividing a load between two halves, so that neither set's letter distribution sustains sizeable harm. Indeed, chances are you're spot on - yet even now the margin for error's too immense for that plan to be any good, sadly. Well well, in total it seems I've made locating a solution much too hard a chore... alas, it's not. Now that I examine it there's still one slight flaw: because it's a pangram (and most likely to run to only one of each infrequent letter per set) one should just count Zs with a program or even by hand, and divide away by that amount. Shit, it's so simple even a newt or a graphic designer could do it... I should've considered that one before I started, fuck it. Well, so much for the anagram's entire premise - and, alas, its end now draws near. Thanks so much for reading it all, everyone - it's been amazing fun to do, and I hope you all enjoyed it.







Shit, I've uncovered this bunch of extra letters I must have missed before. Man, this isn't good news... I can tell it's too many to secrete properly around the rest, alas - but there still isn't quite enough there to start a complete new paragraph, so I am fucked if I can tell what I'm gonna do wi

Click here to see the solution

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The program includes: BONUS AMAZING FAT ABSORBER CAPSULES, THE 30-DAY WEIGHT REDUCTION PLAN, PROGRESS REPORT, AND MUCH MORE!!!
=
Spammer! Spammer! not so bright,
Zero, dog-dung, scrap of shite,
Churns out pretense bawling "BUY!!!!" -
Hear our call: Eat crap and die!

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart; knowing that knowledge is power. But know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, even when it is an in-law.
They are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They can drive you wild, would fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to those around them.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people for whom you care.


MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy things and fixing stuff.

=

MEN
I'm proud to be a man. Men run this whole planet, you know, holding positions of power throughout the world. That's just how it is, honey.

Men have on average a higher level of intelligence than women. Men will always obtain higher marks in domains such as chemistry, physics and the higher reaches of mathematics. The most amazing feats of engineering and very finest works of art in the world were made by men, you know, and it was men who invented most of the torrent of handy products that we rely upon today.

Men are endowed with the most fabulous set of genitals. I know I am, anyway.

We're huger, faster, fitter, more physically powerful, and not held to ransom by our hormones; we have the ability to park, always achieve orgasm, have firm butts, look sexy in Lamborghinis, write better jokes, and then after all of that we have the civility to die at a reasonable age.


WOMEN
Women look good naked and they're fun to shag.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Auto Wreck

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Suicide is painless,
It brings on many changes,
And I can take or leave it if I please. =
Sung, I believe, in "M*A*S*H" (a series set against epic conflicts and daily pain in Korea).

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Russell Crowe in 'Gladiator' =
Result: I win real gold Oscar!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei =
The elite pure-racist Hitler-based Nazi association.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Five great composers whose surnames started with the letter B (as indeed so many of them did), in chronological order: =
Old Bach, who created great masses or the truly divine Passions then went off to sire more tiresome goddam children;
Beethoven, adored stone-deaf master, model of choral-symphonic writing, whose terse late string music is rather odd;
To Brahms, whose tight symphonies and sweet if guarded violin concerto are deemed models of orchestral restraint;
Berg, who drew his hot, sad violin concerto (dedicated 'to the memory of an angel') from serialism's stern, austere depths;
Berio, whose elegant, edgy, eclectic Sinfonia's rather odd third movement swiped from Mahler, Strauss and others too.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Ode to the Amoeba

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
You need my seed, my Lily raw,
So ever hot like nettles;
I'd love to surge within your jeans
And smell the pinky petals.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Bottles of hydrogen peroxide =
Good tip there for sexy blonde.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" =
Prison life cued sad words.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
!!!!!!P O R N O M A N I A!!!!!!
Fifty Naked Beauties!
Dykes Giving A Stallion Head!
Amazing Anal Video!
Plus Much More!
!!!!SATISFY YOUR URGE TODAY!!!!
=
If I ever meet you, nasty spammer, I'll stick my sodding bazooka up your fat ass and fire again and again till you've had enough.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Hi! My name is Betty Wilson. I got your e-mail address off a post. Please forgive me if I made an error; I'm a two-fingered typist. I put this little note together to show people that it's not impossible to lose any amount of weight that you want! I hope you find this information useful.

I'm married, with two boys, ages fourteen and twelve.

I was getting bigger every year. My weight had hit 264 pounds at age 38. For my height and build, I should have weighed about 175 pounds. That was 89 pounds overweight, clinically obese. My parents were concerned that I was overweight, and growing larger. Every time I lost weight, I gained even more back.

THEN CAME THE CHALLENGE. They said that if I lost weight and got down to my proper weight, they would give me $5,000.

I wanted that money, but even more I wanted to look better and be healthy. I dieted on and off for seven months, but got nowhere. I was depressed and disappointed.

I had researched and tried many weight loss programs during my yo-yo dieting years. I did Slim Fast, Cyber vision, soup diets, starvation, "exercise-and-eat-no-fat," chromium picolinate, metabolic enhancers, and more. You name it and I tried it. I lost some pounds with every diet, and then eventually gained it back, usually with a few extra pounds.

=

Ashamed, desperate and miserable, I was on the verge of giving up. But finally I twigged onto a method which reaped immediate dividends - I lost those extra 89 pounds and MORE... IN A SINGLE NIGHT!!!

Here's my secret:

1. Invite a band of 7 or 8 friends over, and get them to watch as you begin swigging Bloody Marys until you're utterly maggoted. Or, if you have no friends (as I do), simply chug away to a point where you're still dimly in command but notice no more pain (a good way to gauge this is with a stapler on the windpipe).

2. Grab a sharp blade and the vacuum cleaner.

3. Make great big incisions wherever you're deemed too podgy, shove in the pipe, switch it on and lose the damn adipose tissue! It's the odd whitish matter - however, if you inadvertently swallow a kidney instead (it's a brown thingy in the shape of a beef patty with a bite in it) don't worry, you've got another.

4. Wipe up the bleeding and remove leftover lumps of offal.

5. Sew up with cotton thread, dental floss or whatever's around (I ultimately went for picture wire).

6. Seek immediate medical attention.

I got my $5000! I'm now dead slim and getting slimmer by the day. I guarantee this scheme can fix your weight woes too, so if it's needed why not try it tonight?

Regards,
The Estate of the Late Betty Wilson

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The best things in life are free =
Resting beneath the fireflies.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Battery-operated vibrator =
Probe a torrid, tatty beaver.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A Carroll acrostic anagrammed into a true story.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Noel Coward is ~
no Oscar Wilde.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
A stanza from the poem Picthorn Manor by Amy Lowell, anagrammed into paraphrases of four existing sonnets while obeying an additional constraint.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Two bricks short of a load =
Thick as two floorboards.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Gregorian calendar =
Change error, align date.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Ernie Eats Cookies In Bed

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A water-closet =
To clear waste.

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
When I do count the clock that tells the time

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Suicide Off Egg Rock by Sylvia Plath, anagrammed into a depiction of Plath's own suicide.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Within a tubby grandma's legs
An intern gyno stands;
If he gives the hairy clam a smear
And then inspects her glands,
The matron surely starts to muse,
"I wish he'd warmed his hands."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
[A selection of poems by Wendy Cope.]
The Uncertainty of the Poet
Emily Dickinson
An Unusual Cat Poem
A Nursery Rhyme (as it might have been written by T.S. Eliot)
Kindness to Animals

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" =
"Cackling at pieheads with original lines like you."

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Boat based Whale watching is one of the fastest growing tourist "must do's", in the world today. We have the honour of appreciating these majestic giants right on our doorstep. The Southern Right Whales come to our shores from July to November every year to calve. They were so named because they where considered the "Right Whale" to shoot for their high blubber content. South Africa has joined the rest of the world in protecting these beautiful mammals from the interference of man. Without a special permit no boat may approach them closer than 300m. There are a couple of exceptions where special permits have been given to Marine Biologists to approach within 50m.

SELFTOURS has an arrangement with a Marine Biologist to take you right up close to experience the whales and capture the most amazing photographs. The difference between watching whales from 300m and listening to them breathe at less than 50m makes a "WHALE OF A DIFFERENCE"!

With the whales come the seals and dolphins, then it's onto the land based Big 5 to view, plus Cave tours & the last scheduled Steam train trip through the Garden Route. Something for the whole family from abseiling the cliffs to having tea with the Elephants and their newly born 6 month old baby.

=

Whale & dolphin watching in South Africa is thrilling, but it mightn't be the thing for you. Perhaps you cannot afford to travel this far, perhaps you throw up at the mere sight of a boat, or perhaps you're an expatriate Boer who won't go near the place since the wretched kaffirs ruined it. Well, we can cater for this meanness, seasickness or prejudice by offering you the next best thing for a meagre amount - just £5.00!

You see, the esteemed palaeontologist Hans Thewissen reports that he has unearthed fossils that show these cetaceans' genetic forbear to have been a member of the Artiodactyl group - a group which we happen to have the odd member of here at our place. So come on down to view the whale's nearest living relatives!

*Behold the feeding of that gentle marine mammoth, the Cow! Thrill to this timeless scene!

*Come within 50m of the majestic Goat! Smell it breathe!

*Swim with the Sheep!

*Hear the bewitching, haunting strains of the world's most accomplished songster, the Camel! Now available on 3CDs (£50.00), overlaid with the music of a remote member of the Lloyd-Webber family.

So for all this and more visit the "North London Whale Sanctuary and Petting Zoo", here at 63 Beluga Rd, Tottenham.
Bringing human and behemoth together - THAT'S OUR PORPOISE!

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
No terrorists here! Join our porn site, turn off the TV, quit watching the crap happening in the states, and join our free site!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Future generations =
Our unfit teenagers.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
[A selection of doubly-true anagrams.
Each of these is both an anagram and mathematically correct. A variety of extra functions have been employed in order to mop up certain letters. In most cases, the operators (+, -, X etc.) are the same in subject and 'gram (cf. the first); in others, they form an integral part of the anagram (e.g. 'PI' on one side, and an extra 'plus' on the other to deal with the P). Both degrees and radians have been used to suit individual cases.
For clarity, upper case has been used for the numbers; 'E' should strictly speaking be written as 'e' but for conformity's sake this convention has been ignored.]

NINETY-EIGHT plus TWELVE plus TEN minus FORTY-EIGHT =
TWENTY-FIVE plus THIRTY plus EIGHTEEN minus log(TEN)
[= 72]

TWENTY to the power of sin(ELEVEN minus TEN minus ONE) =
ln(E) to the power of (SEVENTY minus NINETEEN minus TWO)
[= 1]

SEVENTY-EIGHT plus FIFTY-FOUR minus (TWELVE times EIGHT) minus (ONE to the power of PI) =
EIGHTY plus (EIGHTEEN times FIVE) minus FORTY minus (TEN to the power of TWO) plus FIVE
[= 35]

EIGHTY minus SEVENTEEN plus cos(PI) =
SEVENTY-ONE minus EIGHT plus sec(PI)
[= 62]

(EIGHTY-FIVE times ONE) minus TWENTY plus TEN plus THREE minus log(TEN) minus sin(NINETY) =
NINETY-EIGHT plus SEVENTY minus (FORTY times TWO) minus NINETEEN plus EIGHT minus ln(E)
[= 76]

ELEVEN minus TEN plus (SIX times VI) =
(X times VII) minus L plus SEVENTEEN
[= 37]

(NINETY multiplied by TWO) plus EIGHTY-TWO minus TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN plus SEVENTY-FIVE minus SIXTY-TWO plus sin(ln(E) minus ln(E)) =
(ONE MILLION divided by TWENTY THOUSAND) plus EIGHTEEN plus TWENTY minus FORTY-SIX plus TWELVE minus NINE plus TWENTY minus SIX
[= 59]

(cot(PI divided by FOUR) times sin(PI divided by FOUR)) to the power of (TWENTY plus ONE) =
(cos(PI divided by FOUR)) to the power of ((NINETY-TWO times TEN) plus (PI divided by FOUR)
[= 1]

cot((ln(E) to the power of (EIGHTY plus SEVENTY)) times (PI divided by (NINETEEN minus FIFTEEN))) =
sec(((PI plus NINETY-ONE) divided by (ELEVEN to the power of FIFTY-EIGHT)) times (TEN minus TEN))
[= 1]

sinh(negative SEVEN) divided by (((TWENTY divided by (FOUR times FIVE)) to the power of (E to the power of TWO)) plus NINETY) =
(((E to the power of negative SEVEN) minus (E to the power of SEVEN)) divided by TWO) divided by (FIFTY-TWO plus THIRTY-NINE)
[= -6.02545...]

FIFTY-EIGHT minus ELEVEN minus ((SEVENTY-EIGHT minus FOUR) times tan(PI)) =
EIGHTY minus EIGHTEEN minus TEN minus (FIVE times tan(FORTY plus FIVE))
[= 47]

FORTY minus FIFTEEN plus TWO minus SEVENTEEN plus SIXTY =
(FOUR times TEN) plus FIFTY-SIX minus TWENTY-SEVEN plus ONE
[= 70]

(SIX minus V) to the power of EIGHTEEN =
(IX minus EIGHT) to the power of SEVEN
[= 1]

[ln = natural logarithm
log = logarithm to base 10
sin, cos, tan, sec, cot = sine, cosine, tangent, secant, cotangent
sinh = hyperbolic sine
e = Euler's transcendental constant (2.71828...)]

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A love-hate relationship =
The volatile pair has one.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Two anagrams of Shakespeare's 128th sonnet, adapting it to suit the musical instruments played by my own sweetheart.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
'The Lord of the Rings' by John Ronald Reuel Tolkien =
Thrilling nether-land journey of three old books.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A simultaneous anagram and approximate translation of Une Sainte en son auréole by Paul Verlaine, set to music which is itself an anagram of Gabriel Fauré's setting of the Verlaine.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Dear friend:

This is an invitation to visit our Homepage that is linked to the FREE Internet publication, THE WISE SHALL UNDERSTAND. Chapter one is entitled "Daniel 12 Revealed." Daniel 12 was NOT to be understood "until the end of the days." It is now unfolded after more than 2,500 years by using a special "key" found in Genesis 2:4; Daniel 12 carries important warnings concerning last-day deception.

Our Internet provider is frequently off-line, so please print this letter to preserve the following address where you can access this on-line publication:

HTTP://MAINFRAM.CTAZ.COM/PUBLIC/DANIEL12/HOMEPAGE.HTM

We know that there are many thinking people who are not happy with popular religion and are seeking greater truth. Please ask God for guidance as you study this material. It is of no cost to you, but we feel He would have us publish this last-day message in printed form for those unable to read it on the Internet. If you agree that it has a special message for this time, we would appreciate any contribution in U.S. funds to help with its publication. Make your check payable to ONE-WAY MINISTRIES. And mail to:

Charles and Tish Clever
One-Way Ministries
P.O. Box 432
Talihina, OK 74571, U.S.A.

Your friends in God's service,
Charles and Tish Clever

=

In the beginning God created the Net.

And the Net was without form, and useful; and the Holy Spirit lurked across the face of the screen.

And God said, Make money fast; and God saw the money, that it was good. This was the first spam.

God sent, Be a Millionaire In One Year! (Initial outlay one cent!); it was the second spam.

God sent, UNIQUE FAT-BURNING ROUTINE! To learn more, visit us here at sulphuric-acid.net!; it was the third spam.

God sent, BECOME A LICENSED MINISTER! BAPTIZE BABIES OR MARRY PEOPLE! ALL LEVELS UP TO POPE NOW AVAILABLE!; it was the fourth spam.

God sent, *ENLARGE YOUR PENIS IN MERE HOURS!!!!!*
ALL YOU NEED IS A CORVETTE WITH A ROPE!
IT REALLY WORKS!!!!!; it was the fifth spam.

God sent,
!!!!K*I*N*K*Y  S*I*L*I*C*O*N*E  P*O*R*N!!!!
--HOT TEEN BIKINI PARTY!
--PETITE ORIENTAL MAIDS!
--POPULAR CELEBRITIES NAKED!
--NIPPLE PICNIC!
--TERRIFIC HORNY TEEN GIRLS!
!!!!C*L*I*C*K  H*E*R*E!!!!
And God saw the silicone porn, that it was bountifully cruel and unusual; it was the sixth spam.

On the seventh day God rested, as a result of punitive action by trinity.com.

Online again soon after due to the leniency of a terrestrial ISP, He finally saw the full flower of His creation, each insipid, sinister snake He had nurtured to overrun Paradise; yea verily and He cried out in a profound voice "Oh, shit."

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Renditions of two sonnets by Wordsworth, one of his best and one of his worst.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
An excerpt from The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Nurse Florence Nightingale =
Heroine curing fallen gents.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
An old people's home =
Oh, smell pee and poo!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A Dream Within a Dream

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Shakespeare's 102nd sonnet, anagrammed into a lipogrammatic (W-less) rebuttal decorated with its dedicatee's initials, WH.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Learned [adj.] =
An elder.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
His Holiness Pope John Paul the Second =
The one old chap Jesus phones in Polish.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Confessional =
So clean of sin.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Monsieur Camille Saint-Saens =
Learns to see animals in music.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Fifteen sets of anagrammed national flags. The flags in each set have been subtly modified in order to form mutual anagrams, containing the same number of pixels of each colour.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Weapons of mass destruction =
U.S. owns most - and it's for "peace"?????

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Artistes =
Tits & arse.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Swan and Shadow by John Hollander, anagrammed into another shape poem.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Christian Fundamentalist =
In truth, a mindless fanatic.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
There was a sweet old couple that had been happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in this marriage was due to the husband's habit of breaking wind every morning as he woke up. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to flood like swimming pools as she choked and gasped for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop it, but he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a specialist to see if anything could be done but he would not hear of it. He replied that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would smirk and laugh at her as she tried to wave all the fumes away quickly with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop soon, one day he was going to "fart his guts out".

Years went by, the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore all her testy warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She prepared Christmas puddings, mashed potatoes, gravy and (naturally) a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem once and for all.

=

With a mischievous grin on her face, she put the raw turkey guts into a bowl and quietly went upstairs an hour before her husband would awake. While he was still sound asleep, she drew back the covers and then gently removed his jocks. She then put the guts into his underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers with a smirk and tiptoed downstairs again to finish preparing the family's main meal.

An hour or two later she heard her husband awake with his usual rectal trumpeting. This was followed by a blood-curdling cry and a sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to their bathroom. The wife couldn't control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor guffawing. After years of putting up with him she had gotten even at last.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained undies with a look of horror in his eyes. She had to bite her lip to stop herself giggling and then asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" she said.

"You always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in."

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
President Bush of the USA =
A fresh one, but he's stupid.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
English Is Tough Stuff (Unpredictable Pronunciation)

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Osama bin Laden =
As named on Bali.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The menage a trois =
A giant threesome!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Dianetics/Scientology =
Sect citing loony ideas.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2001 Winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

=

Here is that same rather witty idea applied instead to a series of renowned artworks, essential texts, movies and so on:

The Moana Lisa: Italian painting of a cute lady with an enigmatic pout.

The Drapes of Wrath: A destitute family that seeks an easy fortune in a Californian curtain factory, only to have their dreams shattered.

Lord of the Fries: 100 shipwrecked teenage McDonald's employees instantly deteriorate into nasty savagery in their uncivilized struggle to be made Ronald.

The "Erotica" Symphony: Beethoven's truly stirring salute to Napoleon's thoroughly kinky sexual exploits.

Moby Duck: A gritty warrior on the high seas hunting for the great white mallard.

Finnegans Cake: Witty, highly original stream-of-consciousness book of labyrinthine internal speculation about a petit four.

Se2en: Idiosyncratic serial killer is apprehended, sentenced and put away before he gets going properly.

Unflowers: Van Gogh painting of a totally bare vase.

Lice in Wonderland: The White Rabbit is found to be hideously infested and has to be put down.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A paraphrase of the 23rd Psalm in which each line is an anagram, constructed such that the six lines may be assembled into a symbol associated with the psalm's author.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Opinionated =
Idea on point.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The 'William Tell' Overture by Gioacchino Rossini =
It is lively hero music with a cool Lone Ranger bit.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
President George 'Dubya' Bush =
Beyond a sheer stupid bugger.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Isn't "romantic and erotic" ~
a contradiction in terms?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
President George W. Bush =
This bugger needs power.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Sorbent toilet tissue =
To sterilise one's butt.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with: [Part of a 2002 open letter from Saddam Hussein to the Iraqi parliament]
Brothers and sisters,
We have given our deepest attention to your recommendation to us, regarding what you see as the right course of action to be taken vis-à-vis the resolution which is said to have been adopted by the Security Council, and, after extensive examination, we have come to conclude that we shall deal with this resolution according to the concepts contained in the letter signed by our Minister of Foreign Affairs to the Secretary-General of the United Nations. This is because your enemy, the alliance between Zionism, and the American administration and their satanic lackeys, has this time, after showing its claws and teeth. To wage war unilaterally against our people of valorous Mujahideen. The enemy, together with those who have represented the British government for the past several years, attack our country unilaterally, especially after the 30-state alliance which attacked us in 1991 and afterwards.

=

Sir,

It has come to our attention that you have weapons of mass destruction, including nuclear arms.

In a nation where the head of state (although admittedly much-loved) was never democratically elected, that is entirely unacceptable - not forgetting that you have attempted to invade other defenceless nations, have inveterately repressed an ethnic minority in the north (likewise those citizens who don't belong to the chief religious sect), and in fact have a certified history of warfare with the neighbours using chemical weapons.

As a result, that means we have no alternative but to consider your recalcitrant state an indisputable threat to international peace. We can see it was a grave error not finishing the job off last time the USA kicked your non-egalitarian arse, so do exactly as we say: either help us terminate Saddam, or otherwise you are next.

Best wishes to Cherie and the kids.

Yours sincerely,
George W. Bush


GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
The railway lines =
Why, I'll see a train!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) =
So current rare disease proves a mystery.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome =
Uproar over recent mystery disease.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Montparnasse

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
An anagram checker, the code of which is itself an anagram.
View the checker (java applet)
View the source code

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
The Witch's Prayer

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
President of the United States of America ~
is a stupid ranter set to demean the office.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
[A complete list of numbers up to 10,000 which can be expressed as some sort of power of sums/products of their digits. Note particularly 1024, which can be expressed in two distinct ways (210 and 45).]

25 = 52

121 = 112

125 [53] = 5(2+1)

128 [27] = 2(8-1)

216 [63] = 6(2+1)

289 [172] = (8+9)2

343 [73] = (3+4)3

625 [54] = 5(6-2)

1024 [45 & 210] = 4(10/2) = (4-2)10

1296 [64] = 6((9-1)/2)

2187 [37] = ((8/2)-1)7

2500 [502] = 50(2+0)

2916 [542] = (9*6*1)2

3125 [55] = (5*1)(3+2)

3375 [153] = (3+7+5)3

4096 [46] = (4+(0*9))6

5776 [762] = 76(7-5)

5832 [183] = ((5*2)+8)3

9025 [952] = 95(2-0)

9216 [962] = 96(2*1)

9261 [213] = 21(9-6)

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Net creation is immense word library.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
[Extremely black 9/11 humour - read at your peril]

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Religious fundamentalism =
Defiant rage in Muslim soul.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. =
See obese people eat a cocktail of canine tissue, beetle muscles, weasel nuts and chips.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2003:
Richard Grantham with:
Honestly
On the sly.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Acute narcolepsy =
Sleep occur at any......

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A retelling of Mr Daydream by Roger Hargreaves, in which both letters and pictures have been rearranged.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
A simultaneous anagram and approximate translation of J'allais par des chemins perfides by Paul Verlaine.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
New Year's Resolution =
Only we aren't serious!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Prime Minister Tony Blair =
I misreport interminably.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet =
Rainbow to relieve direly long deluge gone.

[This anagram has a twist: each word has been carefully selected so that it can be made up entirely of letters from different colours, e.g. there is no word that has both (B & U) or (Y & W), which would require two letters from 'blue' and 'yellow' respectively. This, rather satisfyingly, applies to the word 'rainbow' itself:

     Red
   orAnge
     Indigo
 greeN
     Blue
   viOlet
yelloW



With the result that the entire anagram can be presented as a cascading, twisted rainbow:]

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2004:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
[A quintuply-true anagram. The following two sets of element abbreviations are "equal" in several different ways - no prizes for guessing the first:]

H Li B Al Si P S Ar Ti Cr Mn Cu Ga Br Rb Zr Mo Tc Cd In Sn Te Ba La Ce Nd Eu Er Tm Yb Hf Ta Re Os Au Hg Pb Po Rn Pa Np Cm Bk Cf Md Rf Sg Hs Ds
=
He Be C F Ne Na Cl Ca Sc Co Ni Zn Ge As Kr Sr Nb Ru Rh Pd Ag Sb I Cs Pr Pm Sm Gd Tb Dy Ho Ir Pt Tl Bi At Fr Ra Ac U Pu Am Es Fm No Lr Db Bh Mt





[The second is also fairly well-worn territory by now: atomic numbers on each side add up to the same number.]

H1 + Li3 + B5 + Al13 + Si14 + P15 + S16 + Ar18 + Ti22 + Cr24 + Mn25 + Cu29 + Ga31 + Br35 + Rb37 + Zr40 + Mo42 + Tc43 + Cd48 + In49 + Sn50 + Te52 + Ba56 + La57 + Ce58 + Nd60 + Eu63 + Er68 + Tm69 + Yb70 + Hf72 + Ta73 + Re75 + Os76 + Au79 + Hg80 + Pb82 + Po84 + Rn86 + Pa91 + Np93 + Cm96 + Bk97 + Cf98 + Md101 + Rf104 + Sg106 + Hs108 + Ds110
=
He2 + Be4 + C6 + F9 + Ne10 + Na11 + Cl17 + Ca20 + Sc21 + Co27 + Ni28 + Zn30 + Ge32 + As33 + Kr36 + Sr38 + Nb41 + Ru44 + Rh45 + Pd46 + Ag47 + Sb51 + I53 + Cs55 + Pr59 + Pm61 + Sm62 + Gd64 + Tb65 + Dy66 + Ho67 + Ir77 + Pt78 + Tl81 + Bi83 + At85 + Fr87 + Ra88 + Ac89 + U92 + Pu94 + Am95 + Es99 + Fm100 + No102 + Lr103 + Db105 + Bh107 + Mt109

1 + 3 + 5 + 13 + 14 + 15 + 16 + 18 + 22 + 24 + 25 + 29 + 31 + 35 + 37 + 40 + 42 + 43 + 48 + 49 + 50 + 52 + 56 + 57 + 58 + 60 + 63 + 68 + 69 + 70 + 72 + 73 + 75 + 76 + 79 + 80 + 82 + 84 + 86 + 91 + 93 + 96 + 97 + 98 + 101 + 104 + 106 + 108 + 110
=
2 + 4 + 6 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 17 + 20 + 21 + 27 + 28 + 30 + 32 + 33 + 36 + 38 + 41 + 44 + 45 + 46 + 47 + 51 + 53 + 55 + 59 + 61 + 62 + 64 + 65 + 66 + 67 + 77 + 78 + 81 + 83 + 85 + 87 + 88 + 89 + 92 + 94 + 95 + 99 + 100 + 102 + 103 + 105 + 107 + 109
[= 2824]





[Thirdly, the digits of the above atomic numbers are also an anagram.]

1 3 5 1 3 1 4 1 5 1 6 1 8 2 2 2 4 2 5 2 9 3 1 3 5 3 7 4 0 4 2 4 3 4 8 4 9 5 0 5 2 5 6 5 7 5 8 6 0 6 3 6 8 6 9 7 0 7 2 7 3 7 5 7 6 7 9 8 0 8 2 8 4 8 6 9 1 9 3 9 6 9 7 9 8 1 0 1 1 0 4 1 0 6 1 0 8 1 1 0
=
2 4 6 9 1 0 1 1 1 7 2 0 2 1 2 7 2 8 3 0 3 2 3 3 3 6 3 8 4 1 4 4 4 5 4 6 4 7 5 1 5 3 5 5 5 9 6 1 6 2 6 4 6 5 6 6 6 7 7 7 7 8 8 1 8 3 8 5 8 7 8 8 8 9 9 2 9 4 9 5 9 9 1 0 0 1 0 2 1 0 3 1 0 5 1 0 7 1 0 9


[This is the largest possible set of element abbreviations that can possess the above properties, incidentally: 12 elements had to be dropped in order to make the total of every letter and digit an even number (thus able to be divided into two groups with identical letter and digit counts). Another set of the same size exists; I chose this one because it contains both the smallest (H) and largest officially named (Ds) elements.]




[Fourthly, it is possible to select an known isotope of each element such that the isotope numbers again add up. (Without going into too much detail, both for those who already know all this and for those whose heads are starting to spin, isotopes are different forms of an element - for instance, stable carbon-12 and radioactive carbon-14.) Each element with naturally-occurring isotopes is represented by its most common isotope (e.g. hydrogen-1 makes up 99.985% of hydrogen atoms), with one exception (99Ru instead of 102Ru); all other elements are represented by a known radioactive isotope, not necessarily the most common or stable.
The equivalence of both the atomic number sum and the isotope sum means that each group of isotopes below contains the same number of protons (2824) and the same number of neutrons (4078).]


1H + 7Li + 11B + 27Al + 32Si + 31P + 32S + 40Ar + 48Ti + 52Cr + 55Mn + 63Cu + 69Ga + 79Br + 85Rb + 90Zr + 95Tc + 98Mo + 114Cd + 113In + 120Sn + 126Te + 138Ba + 139La + 140Ce + 142Nd + 153Eu + 166Er + 169Tm + 174Yb + 180Hf + 181Ta + 185Re + 192Os + 197Au + 202Hg + 208Pb + 209Po + 215Rn + 231Pa + 234Np + 244Cm + 249Bk + 255Cf + 255Md + 255Rf + 265Sg + 264Hs + 272Ds
=
4He + 9Be + 12C + 19F + 20Ne + 23Na + 35Cl + 40Ca + 45Sc + 59Co + 58Ni + 64Zn + 74Ge + 75As + 84Kr + 88Sr + 93Nb + 99Ru + 103Rh + 106Pd + 107Ag + 121Sb + 127I + 133Cs + 141Pr + 151Pm + 152Sm + 158Gd + 159Tb + 164Dy + 165Ho + 193Ir + 195Pt + 205Tl + 209Bi + 211At + 211Fr + 227Ra + 228Ac + 238U + 246Pu + 243Am + 249Es + 251Fm + 256No + 258Lr + 263Db + 260Bh + 271Mt

1 + 7 + 11 + 27 + 32 + 31 + 32 + 40 + 48 + 52 + 55 + 63 + 69 + 79 + 85 + 90 + 95 + 98 + 114 + 113 + 120 + 126 + 138 + 139 + 140 + 142 + 153 + 166 + 169 + 174 + 180 + 181 + 185 + 192 + 197 + 202 + 208 + 209 + 215 + 231 + 234 + 244 + 249 + 255 + 255 + 255 + 265 + 264 + 272
=
4 + 9 + 12 + 19 + 20 + 23 + 35 + 40 + 45 + 59 + 58 + 64 + 74 + 75 + 84 + 88 + 93 + 99 + 103 + 106 + 107 + 121 + 127 + 133 + 141 + 151 + 152 + 158 + 159 + 164 + 165 + 193 + 195 + 205 + 209 + 211 + 211 + 227 + 228 + 238 + 246 + 243 + 249 + 251 + 256 + 258 + 263 + 260 + 271
[= 6902]





[Fifthly, the isotope sum is also a digit anagram. (This is why a two-digit isotope of Ru needed to be chosen in place of a three-digit one - otherwise there would have been an odd number of digits.)]

1 7 1 1 2 7 3 2 3 1 3 2 4 0 4 8 5 2 5 5 6 3 6 9 7 9 8 5 9 0 9 5 9 8 1 1 4 1 1 3 1 2 0 1 2 6 1 3 8 1 3 9 1 4 0 1 4 2 1 5 3 1 6 6 1 6 9 1 7 4 1 8 0 1 8 1 1 8 5 1 9 2 1 9 7 2 0 2 2 0 8 2 0 9 2 1 5 2 3 1 2 3 4 2 4 4 2 4 9 2 5 5 2 5 5 2 5 5 2 6 5 2 6 4 2 7 2
=
4 9 1 2 1 9 2 0 2 3 3 5 4 0 4 5 5 9 5 8 6 4 7 4 7 5 8 4 8 8 9 3 9 9 1 0 3 1 0 6 1 0 7 1 2 1 1 2 7 1 3 3 1 4 1 1 5 1 1 5 2 1 5 8 1 5 9 1 6 4 1 6 5 1 9 3 1 9 5 2 0 5 2 0 9 2 1 1 2 1 1 2 2 7 2 2 8 2 3 8 2 4 6 2 4 3 2 4 9 2 5 1 2 5 6 2 5 8 2 6 3 2 6 0 2 7 1

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
A McDonald's restaurant =
Standard U.S. carton meal.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Elegy for a Bachelor Uncle

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
An anagram crossword puzzle

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Australia

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Games of the Twenty-eighth Olympiad =
Go play with the mighty then defeat some!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with: [Two true stories from my life]
My girlfriend, in addition to being (among many other things) svelte, attractive, shrewd and thoroughly accomplished musically, has a formidable wit and she isn't afraid to use it.

One night she was playfully attempting to write some words on her stomach with a biro, but the ballpoint of the pen didn't quite work because the microscopic bump of fat surrounding her navel gave way just enough.

"Honey, look at me," she howled desolately. "I'm too fat for words!"

=

However, don't let it be said that I'm not up to the challenge of matching her wit...

On the first floor of the local shopping mall we once found a naked mannequin in a frock store window, and discovered to our surprise that he was labelled just above his bottom with a small copyright warning.

"They've copyrighted its bum!!" my inamorata giggled. "So... what do they do if your bum's identical to his?"

"Presumably, darling," I answered at this moment, "they sue your ass off."

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
"The best thing since sliced bread" =
Bad cliche needs better insights.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
I expect Dubya has won: a new term is more than likely.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
The sonnet in Shakespeare's series that had the misfortune to be number 69.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
If it squirms, it's biology
If it stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's physics
And if you can't understand it, it's mathematics.
=
If it's wordy, it's English
If it's knotty, it's economics
If it squeaks, it's music
And if it's run by the Antichrist, dammit, it's sport day.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
eq.1st - Richard Grantham with:
A breathalyser test =
That says "Beer alert!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2005:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Piano

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
The Ode to the Amoeba

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
eq.2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Shakespeare's 135th sonnet

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Passion and the Resurrection =
Death upon cross, inter, then arise.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Shakespeare's 97th sonnet


AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz =
A quiz by RJG:
Os + V + Xe + Cl + Fm + ? = K + Pd + W + Th + N + ?
The solution

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The World Cup Finals in Germany =
England fail, country whimpers.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Peace, love and understanding ‡
Danger and upset and violence.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Austrian neurologist, Sigmund Freud =
Genius said a fond mother nurtures guilt.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Bush administration =
It's bad or it's inhuman.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The bride and groom =
Get hard in bedroom.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Computer games =
Get mouse cramp.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." =
Alas, what a rather too delectably ironic lapse by our elected shithead.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, April 2007:
Richard Grantham with:
The pyromaniacs =
Match-prone, I say.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Widescreen plasma televisions =
View in detail seems no less crap.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Soul-destroying =
Surely isn't good.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2007:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse =
For the hundreds we force to play bad violin.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, February 2009:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
The global financial crisis =
Brilliant, I face losing cash.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, May 2015:
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Monsieur Camille Saint-Saëns =
Relates animals in one's music.

 

Table of All-Time Winners


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