Anagrammy Winners by Tony Crafter
All the winning anagrams by Tony Crafter from the Anagrammy Awards.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain =
Naughty aliens responsible?
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
It's no big deal =
Bigot's denial.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth,
For he knew that on Earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em!
=
Wicked madam, aware of God's plan,
Determinedly takes him in hand;
Hey, why aim to enthral?
When a hand round these balls,
Gets her total control of her man!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The leader of the conquistadores, Hernando Cortez =
He rode forth on a desire to conquer the Aztecs' land.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Beaches of Normandy =
Death on some French bay.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother or father or it's my older brother Colin or it's my younger brother Ho Cha Song Sa Chu. But I think it's Colin.
=
Inferior logic. It obviously can't be my mom or my pop, for neither venture anywhere near the Chinese restaurant. Furthermore, my brother Colin (timid poof) likes pie 'n' chips. Ho politely doesn't say a thing. Therefore it has to be... Oh hell! It's me!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death before dishonor =
Defines a brotherhood.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
People who take an instant dislike to politicians are merely saving time. =
Please note it, as we also don't like a vain, lying, pathetic Prime Minister. OK?
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, June 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Donatien Alphonse Francois De Sade =
Dreaded felon's an insane sociopath.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's Labour Party Leader =
Tony Blair (rated a superb liar).
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A small dick =
Dismal lack.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge and Avebury in Wiltshire =
When in England, base your visit there.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's 'New Labour' Government =
Blair's vow? Reign on at Number Ten!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Snowdon Mountain Railway Ride =
I do mean a windy tour in North Wales
LONG CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man in a supermarket line sees that a gorgeous blonde in front of him is waving hello. He's rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and, although familiar, he can't place her, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?"
She replies, "I could be mistaken, but you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind darts back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Oh, darn it!" he says. "You're that stripper I screwed on the pool table in front of all my pals while your friend lashed my arse with wet celery."
"No," she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher.
=
It was a bleak Monday morning and the harrassed mother was having a hellish time preparing her son Kenneth for school.
"Why won't you understand, mother!" he shrieked. "I am so unhappy. It is awful. Nobody likes me! The meanie teachers don't like me (sniff); the horrible kids all hate me (sniff). I can't face them! I won't go to school! I won't!
"Kenneth, pull yourself together!" said his mother. "Bear up! Life isn't always easy. Sure school can be tough; sure it can be rough - but, as you are forty years old and the school Principal, I'm afraid you really will have to be there."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
1. 'IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN'
I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel ev'ry riddle
For any individ'le
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln,
If you only had a brain.
Oh I could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore,
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I'd sit and think some more.
I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.
2. 'IF I ONLY HAD A HEART'
When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart,
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart.
I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art,
I'd be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.
Picture me, a balcony
Above a voice sings low,
"Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
I hear a beat how sweet!
Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part,
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart.
=
1. 'WHY WHY WHY, HUH?' - G.W.BUSH
I could be another Lincoln
Or wily Willy Clinton
For ninety years I'd reign,
I would be a fine orator
And a smoother operator
If I only had a brain.
I would dance like Fred Astaire
Tell lies like Tony Blair
And act like Michael Caine.
I'd fulfill my folks' ambition,
Hunt for higher intuition
If I only had a brain.
Hah! I can't tell you why
I'm short of thought 'n' that's the truth
It could've been an injury I had in youth,
Confused? Why buddy, so am I - huh?
I would henceforth be unfuddled
Be fluent and unmuddled
Thorn-sharp 'n' not inane,
I'd be wary and defensive
Never churlish or offensive
If I only had a brain.
2. 'WHERE WHERE WHERE?' - T.BLAIR
When a man's an empty vessel
His conscience he can't wrestle
That's why I act the part,
But though I'm a liar
I could offer you desire
If I only had a heart.
I would smile and really mean it
I've a soul (I've just not seen it),
Be popular 'n' smart,
Write a lover's diction-ary
Get the hots for flirty Cherie
If I only had a heart.
I'd be grand, guitar in hand
Or maybe a hot banjo
Do a song played rather low
I get off then, to No.Ten
I'm as wooden as a puppet, look just like a muppet,
I'm deader than Mozart,
But I'd be an honest daddy
And not be the token baddie
If I only had a heart.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
New movie: 'The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' =
Worthwhile to see it on a whim, for it can enchant bored children. Heaven!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
JERUSALEM.
And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of God
On England’s pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?
Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England’s green and pleasant land.
=
A JAM RULE ENDS
And did roast beef in olden time
Fill gentle England's inner need?
And was McDonalds just a name
Synonymous with US greed?
And how did burger and French fries
Cause fish ‘n’ chips to lose appeal?
And what unusual bugs nestle in
Among those dark Satanic meals?
Bring me my honest Yorkshire pud,
Bring me my meat and my two veg,
Bring carrot, turnip, fill me up;
Bring tons of home-made jam on bread.
I will not cease the endless fight,
No, nor will Hell flame-grill my plan,
Till wholesome fare is once again
Devoured in our ennobled land!
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"Hope is a waking dream." - Aristotle =
So heartwarming. Said like a poet!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." Mark Twain =
"Whereas the others were all, thankfully, the imprudence of my phobic, misbehaving imagination."
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Christmas movie 'It's A Wonderful Life' =
Festive old film hit is sure to charm anew.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
by
Dylan Marlais Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
=
'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' is a great lyric work by Dylan Thomas, dedicated to his dying father.
Writing in the 'villanelle' form, (nineteen lines/two end-rhymes)Thomas sees Night as a metaphor for Death; and with the cry, 'Do not go gentle into that good night', he's urging, 'Hang on to life, and when death's edging near, go to that edge fighting and raging.'
'Glum'Dylan should not be confused, though, with Bob Dylan. The latter is a Yankee singer who also gigged his way to fame writing stuff that nobody could understand. Yet God gave the enigmatic Yank a voice like a gorilla gagging on a goose-egg and, where it's a hot bet that Bob's thoughts are drug-enlightened, the Welsh hothead relied on the boozy alternative to heighten his mighty rhetoric - an 'alternative' that regrettably dragged him, raging and groggy, 'into that good night' long before he was ready to go.
He died, aged thirty-nine.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me -
Yes! - that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
Of many far wiser than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling - my darling - my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
=
It wasn't that many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a lady there lived with a viperish smile,
And her name was Blair, Cherie.
And this lady she lived with no other thought
Than to love and make much mon-ey.
He was named Tony and she was his wife,
In a kingdom by the sea;
And Tone devoted a love and a life
To the one they named Blair, Cherie.
But there were two men that he loved even more -
Himself and Bush (Bomber G.)
Glib Anthony Blair, he learnt how to lie,
In that kingdom by the sea,
And began to bomb Afghans with weenie Bush.
Leaving wife to make the mon-ey.
With the aid of her guru, Caplin, C,
And Aussie man, Foster, P,
Some bargain flats she planned to buy,
In this kingdom by the sea.
The Media, unveiled the unusual deal,
And lambasted selfish Cherie;
'Foster? the fellow's a nob!' they guffawed,
(In this kingdom by the sea);
'And why is a man that's been in a gaol,
Mutually matey with Blair, Cherie?'
Well the gullible lady, they tell, listened not
To anyone older than she,
To anyone better than she;
And not even a God, or heaven above,
Or any man wiser than she,
Could sever the bond that bound Cherie
To that wallaby, Foster, P.
When the law of the land took the villain in hand,
Cherie mumbled so penitently ;
'I'm naive, I was wrong, he's gone where he belongs,
Now I need to make much more mon-ey!'
And Cherie now gleefully feathers her nest,
Babbling unfunny rubbish for very large fees,
Huffing 'n' hamming on many TVs,
In various lands over the sea.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The hardcore-porno star Linda Lovelace =
Deep Throat's carnal icon loved her oral!
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Police cadet =
Delicate cop.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Astronomical observations =
To scan a visible star or moon.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
German Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler =
Grim ruler of Fatherland, eh?
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Twentieth Winter Olympic Games =
We meet top men in white Lycra tights!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Rolling Stones perform a gig in China =
Oriental spot for rich, aging Englishmen.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?"
He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
=
An old couple are in a grannie- home.
He says, "Can you guess how old I am?"
"Sure," she ventures, "but first I just need to grab your balls."
With that, she delves down in his pants, has a clutch and says, "Eighty-five."
"Darn! How d'you know that?" he roars.
"You told me yesterday."
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My real vision? Beating the Germans! =
Every Englishman's great ambition.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Tony Crafter with:
Miss Keira Knightley to be The New Face of Chanel's ‘Coco Mademoiselle’=
Nice, gentle, wholesome choice. Man, I bet Kate Moss is really hacked off!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
After having their ninth child, a Brummy couple decide it's enough as they can't afford a larger bed. So the husband goes to his doctor and says that he and his wife don't want to have any more children.
The doctor tells him there is a procedure called a vasectomy that will usually solve the problem yet it is very expensive.
"A less costly alternative is to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to the ear and count to ten."
The Brummy says, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort me out."
"Yes, it seems iffy, but trust me, it will do the job", says the GP.
So the man dashes off home, lights a banger and puts it in a beer can. Then he holds the can next to his ear and begins to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he pauses and puts the beer can between his legs so he can carry on counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works very well in Liverpool, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales
=
A married couple are motoring along at a controlled thirty miles per hour, the wife at the wheel.
Then her husband blurts out, "I realise we've been married twenty years, but ...I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but gradually increases her speed to forty mph.
The husband continues. "I'm having a fling with your best friend, because the sex is a hell of a lot better than any stagnant congress with you. Don't attempt to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still she remains silent. And the speed goes up to fifty.
Bolder now, he decides to push his luck. "I want the house too."
Sixty mph.
"And the car," he continues.
Sixty-five mph.
"And I'll have the rest too - bank accounts, credit cards, and the boat."
The car, racing on, strays towards a concrete bridge.
This gets him nervous, and he asks: "So, isn't there anything you need?"
The wife replies in a calm, controlled voice.
"No, Bob, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he snorts, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall, the wife shoots a glance at him and smiles; "The airbag."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An author owned an *
And kept it in his den,
Where he wrote tales, which had large sales,
Of erring maids and men;
And every time he breached the point
Where stuffy censors lurk,
He called upon that * to do his dirty work!
=
I hate the wretched ampers&
It's rude, rash, stark & underh&
Oh how annoying when you scan
An ampers& instead of 'and'!
If I were king of all the l&
I'd decree to have it b&,
Or well & truly choked in s&,
Then drowned - the hated ampers&!
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The animal psychologist =
"That pig is so melancholy".
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.
Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.
"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
=
A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.
One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.
The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.
"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.
"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The magician =
I am cheating.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.
As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.
The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.
As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.
The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.
When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.
=
An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.
The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.
He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.
After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"
Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."
Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY
by
Rudyard Kipling
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say;
"Come you back, you British Soldier; come you back to Mandalay!"
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay;
Can't you 'ear their paddles clunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay?
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!
'Er petticoat was yaller an' 'er little cap was green,
An' 'er name was Supi-Yaw-Lat jes' the same as Theebaw's Queen,
An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot,
An' wastin' Christian kisses on an 'eathen idol's foot:
Bloomin' idol made o' mud--
Wot they called the Great Gawd Budd--
Plucky lot she cared for idols when I kissed 'er where she stud!
On the road to Mandalay ...
When the mist was on the rice-fields an' the sun was droppin' slow,
She'd git 'er little banjo an' she'd sing "Kulla-la-lo!"
With 'er arm upon my shoulder an' 'er cheek again my cheek
We useter watch the steamers an' the hathis pilin' teak.
Elephants a-piling teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy you was 'arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay ...
But that's all shove be'ind me -- long ago and fur away,
An' there ain't no buses runnin' from the Bank to Mandalay;
An' I'm learnin' 'ere in London what the ten-year soldier tells:
"If you've 'eard the East a-callin', you won't never 'eed naught else."
No! you won't 'eed nothin' else
But them spicy garlic smells,
An' the sunshine an' the palm-trees an' the tinkly temple-bells;
On the road to Mandalay ...
I am sick 'o wastin' leather on these gritty pavin'-stones,
An' the blasted English drizzle wakes the fever in my bones;
Tho' I walks with fifty 'ousemaids outer Chelsea to the Strand,
An' they talks a lot o' lovin', but wot do they understand?
Beefy face an' grubby 'and--
Law! wot do they understand?
I've a neater, sweeter maiden in a cleaner, greener land!
On the road to Mandalay . . .
Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there ain't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', and it's there that I would be--
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!
=
TO SHELLENA
(A Poet's Tale)
On the road off Croydon High Street, headin' eastward to the square,
There's a little Indian restaurant that lies situated there;
And the menu on the window tells the prices that you'll pay;
With a note that says 'You're Welcome To Eat-in Or Take Away!'
In The Mandalay Bombay,
Open every single day,
Where you smell tandoori wafting, from the ovens made of clay,
As you go down Croydon way,
To The Mandalay Bombay,
Where the meals come up like thunder, outta kitchens, on tin trays.
Her sari it was purple an' a rose was in 'er hair,
And 'er name it was Shellena, and she was a waitress there,
An' I saw 'er smilin' kindly at a man that she was servin',
An' wastin' 'er politeness on that bloke who weren't deservin',
He was such a bloomin' drip,
Wanted ruddy egg 'n' chips!
Plucky lot 'e cared about the beauty of Shellena,
In The Mandalay Bombay...
When I'd muddled through the menu, I would wait a little while,
Then she'd come on up to see me with a pencil an' a smile,
An' just to keep 'er talkin' I would ask 'er for advice,
Then she'd suggest a tasteful dish, with egg and pilau rice
An' one nan bread in the price!
An' a glass of rather nice
Neat Indian beer, all cool 'n' clear and just like liquid ice!
In the Mandalay Bombay...
That's all pushed be'ind me now, and prob'ly for the best,
And there ain't no bus that runs from South of France to Croydon West,
And I'm learning 'ere in St.Tropez about cuisine, French style,
But if you've seen The Mandalay and 'ad their tarka dall,
An' seen Shellena's dazzling smile,
Then there's nothing else worthwhile,
And the chicken tikka platter is the best for ruddy miles!
In The Mandalay Bombay ...
Oh, I'm sick of snails 'n' frog-legs and the other Frenchie 'perks',
And the reason that I stay's because they sent me 'ere to work,
Though, thank God, I'm due to go home in another fifteen weeks,
Though the mam'selles in St Tropez are all pretty, they ain't meek,
And don't turn the other cheek,
Unlike she that's called Shellena, and who makes me knees go weak,
In the Mandalay Bombay ...
Take me back to Croydon's alleyways and to that hallowed hall,
Where Shellena's smile awaits me and red paper lines the walls,
For the tarka dall's a-callin' and the window notes still say,
'Hello!' and, 'You're all welcome to eat-in or take away!'
In The Mandalay Bombay,
Open every single day,
Where you smell tandoori wafting from the ovens made of clay;
As you go down Croydon way,
To The Mandalay Bombay,
Where the meals come up like thunder, outta kitchens, on tin trays.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked her man "Will you marry me?" The chap said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping, drank martinis, went clubbing, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed thin and farted just whenever she wanted to.
THE END
=
As a blonde was driving home, her phone suddenly rang. It was her panicky boyfriend, who said he'd heard tell on TV that this maniac in a car was travelling the wrong way up a motorway. "Please take care, Cath!" the man pleaded fervently, and she replied, "It's not just one nut! There's, like, HUNDREDS of them!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX
"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
=
THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY
Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!
"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
"Why does mineral water which has tRick Rothsteinled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"
"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."
"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."
"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."
"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."
"You never know where to look while eating a banana."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."
"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."
"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"
"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."
"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"
"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."
"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"
LONG CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An undertaker was working alone late one night.
He laid out the body of Mr. Lunge for its cremation, and made a startling discovery. Lunge had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"Sorry Mr. Lunge ," the mortician sighed, "but I just cannot allow you to be cremated with such an incredible private part. It has to be saved for posterity."
So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"Honey, I've something to show you that you will not believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"Good Heavens" the wife yelled, "Lunge is dead!"
=
A cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral. A massive heart, covered in beautiful flowers, stood in view behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart eerily opened up and the casket moved inside. The big heart then closed up, sealing the doctor's body forever inside its ideal home.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into impolite laughter. When everyone stared at him, he said, "Oh boy! ... I am sorry, but I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist!"
That's when the proctologist fainted.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"If Tomorrow Never Comes"
A song by Ronan Keating
Sometimes late at night,
I lie awake and watch her sleeping;
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark.
And the thought crosses my mind,
If I never wake up in the morning,
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart?
If tomorrow never comes,
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one?
And if my time on earth were through,
And she must face this world without me,
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last,
If tomorrow never comes?
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life,
Who never knew how much I loved them,
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed.
So I made a promise to myself,
To say each day how much she means to me,
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel.
If tomorrow never comes,
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one?
And if my time on earth were through,
And she must face this world without me,
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last,
If tomorrow never comes?
So tell that someone that you love,
Just what you're thinking of,
If tomorrow never comes.
=
"If Tomorrow Never Comes"
A Poem by A Lost Hero (A First-World-War Private)
In this war-torn night,
Awake, I hear the awful screaming;
The screeching shells, the guns,
The yells, the hurt, the raw fright echo in the dark.
Then one thought comes to my mind,
If I never see another morning,
Will my family know how much I keenly clutch
Their memory to my heart?
If tomorrow never comes,
Would my life've been worth living?
Did my death give peace and love, to those who live above
This rat-infested trench?
When our futile war is through,
Yes, they'll go on without me,
A dead man with no name,
Nutty hero, what a shame
His tomorrow never came.
You see the hurt in young men's eyes,
See some are shocked, some are crying,
Kids not yet seventeen,
Who know that death is just a cannon shot away.
So I've made a promise to myself,
Should I survive, when war is over,
To recall the ones who died
And tell their loved ones they were heroes at the end.
If tomorrow never comes,
Would my life've been worth living?
Did my death give peace and love, to those who live above
This rat-infested trench?
When our futile war is through,
Yes, they'll go on without me,
A dead man with no name,
Nutty hero, such a shame
His tomorrow never came.
So if you find these notes
Please give them to my folks,
If tomorrow never comes.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An adolescent =
Note lad's acne!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Are 'conspiracy theories' on Princess Diana's death true? =
'No, as she perished in a routine car accident,' says report.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ONIONS AND XMAS TREES
The family are sitting at the meal table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
Father, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, Chuck, there are 3 kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like ripe melons; lush, firm and well-rounded.
In her 30's and 40's they are like pears: still nice, although hanging a bit.
After her 50's, they are like, well ... onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
=
These inane remarks annoy his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
Her mother smiles serenely and answers, "Well Penny, a man goes through 3 key phases.
In his 20's, his willy's like a fine oak tree; knotty, noble and so hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's a serene birch; lean, flexible, but usable
After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)
(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now
Happy Xmas
=
HAPPY XMAS (AND SO TO WAR)
("Yo-ho-ho! Happy day-off Tony!"
"Have a happy one too, George")
So this is Xmas
And what have we done?
We got hothead Saddam,
To name only one.
So let us be joyous
And join hand in hand
To root out Bin Laden,
As soon as we can.
A very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New fear
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.
And so this is Xmas
A Christian Feast,
Forget that upheaval
In the Middle East;
And so happy Xmas
The payoff's now nigh,
For the axis of evil,
Though thousands may die.
A very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New fear,
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.
And so this is Xmas
And what have we done?
We've ended oppression,
A thousand hearts won.
And so happy Xmas,
Enjoy every hour,
And be very grateful
We're here and in power.
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New fear,
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.
Worship US, worship UK,
Worship US now.
Have fun today, troops!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Oliver Twist'. The novel by Charles Dickens =
Scrawny bloke sent child to thieve silver!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH CHRISTENING
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.
After being stuck in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now; however they were poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. But luckily, your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, not Paddy ... he's a clueless idiot. Anticipating the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The mother is very relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Paddy ... I do like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew"
=
A HOLY CROSSNESS!
Seamus asked Pat how he got his terrible black eye.
"Begorra, ye'll never believe this," said Pat, "but, I confess, I got it in church."
Pat said he'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for hymns he noticed her dress was creased into the centre of her bum-cheeks.
"So I leant forward to pull it out and she turned and hit me!"
Some days later, Seamus was surprised to see an embarrassed Pat sporting yet another nasty black eye.
"I got it in church again," he began to explain. "Strangely, I was behind this same woman; the fat one. Anyway, when we stood for the hymns I saw her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. Then my little nephew Jimmy reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew the snooty cow didn't like that, so I leaned over and pushed it right back in again!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: SOME NEW-YEAR TIPS!!
Hi Friends!
You HAVE to read this and pass it on! I am already carrying out No.3!
(1) Telemarketers:
Say 3 words: "Hold on please..."
Do this, put down your phone and walk off (instead of hanging-up), and it will make each call so long that boiler-room sales will grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone-company's "beep-beep" tone, go back and hang up your handset, as it has now efficiently completed its task. These 3 words will help eliminate phone-soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls where no one is there? This is a telemarketing technique! A machine makes calls and records the time of day a person answers. This is used to ascertain the best time for a "real" salesman to call back and find someone in. If ever you get a silent call, hit your hash button rapidly, 6 or 7 times. This confuses the mechanical caller and kicks your number from its system!
(3) Junk Mail:
When you get "ads" enclosed with utility bills, return the "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you receive those "pre-approved" letters for credit cards and loans, do not discard the "return" envelope, as most of these are "postage-paid". It costs them more than the regular 24p postage, BUT ONLY IF THEY RECEIVE THEM BACK. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Postage was 29p before our last increase. So, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes? For example; send an ad for a local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza voucher to Citibank. If you got nothing else that day, then send their blank application back! If you want it to be anonymous, don't put your name on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to keep them guessing! It is still costing them 24p; and every 24p mounts up!
Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them with 1,000s! Let THEM see what it's like to get loads of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
The Royal Mail also stuffs local adverts through your mailbox. I put them back in their own Post Boxes. Good fun, eh?!
Let's keep our postal service busy since they say e-mails cut into their profits, which means they have to increase costs again.
If enough people follow these tips, they'll work!
THIS COULD BE ONE E-MAIL YOU "WILL" WANT TO FORWARD TO 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS!
=
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Hello Merrymakers!
Now that the New Year is upon us, I'd just like to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you who've thoughtfully taken the time and trouble to send me those well-chosen "Forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you all for making me feel so safe, happy, blessed and healthy. My added thanks to the people who sent me the e-mail about rats' crap in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to go get a wet towel every time I seal my envelopes. Also, I love Dr Peppers yet, just because of your concern, I must scrub the top of every single can I open just in case the shopkeeper had some dry piddle (or worse!) on his hands.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know that it can remove toilet stains, which isn't a particularly appealing characteristic. Not to mention the zippy fact that it eats-away a T-Bone steak in about 3 days! Furthermore, I no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because my finger could be pricked with an infected needle-tip that may be riddled with AIDS. I don't use deodorants just in case they cause cancers, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I don't go to shopping centres because some psycho might drug me with a cologne sample, nor do I eat KFCs because their "chickens" are actually terrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count, I had 36,324 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I've learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward these e-mails to twenty of my friends and make a wish within thirty minutes. I no longer have any savings because I just gave them all to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die horribly in some third-world hospital (for the 372,294th time).
In fact, I no longer possess any money at all - but that will change once I receive the phenomenal sums that Microsoft and AOL are quickly sending me for participating in their special online e-mail-system program.
Yes, I want to express my thanks to you all so much for doggedly looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail off to at least 124,000 people in the next twenty minutes, a huge donkey with teeth like razor blades will promptly turn up and rip your privates clean off at 5PM this afternoon. I know this will happen because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's sister's dog.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There is no great genius without some touch of madness =
In neurosis, admit we see much greatness of thought too
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Miss Capulet
Brave damsel I shall leave thee ne'er,
And will speed to thy shy balcony tonight,
When my love I shall as new declare;
PS: It'll help if thou provideth a ladder and a light!
My Love,
Swain Romeo
LONG CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly Welshman is lying on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he can feel the end is not very far away, when he notices the most wonderful aroma.
He realises that his loving wife of nearly sixty years is baking his favourite Welsh cakes.
He manages to muster up enough energy to drag himself out of bed and crawl very weakly to the kitchen.
As his frail, withered hand reaches up to the cake-table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, "Fuck off, theyÕre for the funeral!"
=
Following fertility treatment, an eighty-odd-year old woman has a baby daughter.
When she comes home, six of her wrinkled pals suddenly turn up drooling, "Gosh! Can we have a look at the baby?"
"No - later!" she huffs. "Have some coffees first.Ó
Coffees finished, they ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later, have some cakes."
After cakes the friends all ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later."
"Why do you keep saying ÔlaterÕ?" they ask, offended by her unwillingness.
"I have to wait until she cries?"
"Huh? Why?"
"ÒSo I can find out where I left her!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
Words and Music
by
Rodgers and Hammerstein
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky.
Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.
All the cattle are standin' like statues,
All the cattle are standin' like statues,
They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by,
But a little brown mav'rick is winkin' her eye.
Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.
All the sounds of the earth are like music,
All the sounds of the earth are like music,
The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,
And a ol' weepin' willer is laughin' at me!
Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day,
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.
Oh, what a beautiful day.
=
A MIDDLE-EAST WAR: THE UNEDITED STORY.
G. Bush (All the pictures coloured in, unaided, by him).
There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
Dead martyrs fly high as a camel's right eye,
And it looks like smoke's coiling high up in the sky.
Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.
Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
But I've got the balls and I've got the pizazz,
And clearly I've got them like no other has.
Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.
Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Though thousands'll die on an overseas shore
They'd know I don't take any shit any more.
Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get one beautiful feelin'
I'm winning it, I am damn sure.
Yo what a beautiful war!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MULL OF KINTYRE
( Paul McCartney)
Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre
Far have I travelled, and much have I seen
Dark distant mountains with valleys of green
Past painted deserts, the sun sets on fire
As he carries me home to, the Mull of Kintyre
Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre
Sweep through the heather, like deer in the glen
Carry me back to the days I knew then
Nights when we sang like a heavenly choir
Of the life and the times of, the Mull of Kintyre
Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre
Smiles in the sunshine and tears in the rain
Still take me back where my memories remain
Flickering embers grow higher and higher
As they carry me back to, the Mull of Kintyre
Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre
Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh, Mull of Kintyre
=
SHARK ON THE KILL
(Sir Paul McCartney)
Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.
In My Life the Beatles meant so much to me,
Lennon/McCartney, we made history,
But then I became a soft Fool On The Hill,
When I married unsmiling, one-legged Ms Mills.
Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.
My life with nice Linda was blissfully pure,
One fine, funny Magical Mystery Tour,
Yet my Lovely Linda died prematurely
Then that feminine shark came by sniffing Money.
Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.
I smile in the floodlight yet fume in the dark,
As memory returns of my life with The Shark,
And festering fury is filling my heart,
On recalling my time with one sly, slutty tart.
Cunning Ms Mills, is tormenting me so skillfully,
She's no good; her heart, like her leg,
Is pure Norwegian Wood.
Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A McDonald's quarter-pounder with cheese and fries =
I squander our planet and decimate fresh cow herds.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THAT'S AMORE
by
Dean Martin
(In Napoli where love is King
When boy meets girl, here's what they say)
When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella
When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet,
You're in love
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore
When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie,
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine,
That's amore
Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella
When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreaming, signore
'Scusami, but you see back in old Napoli, that's amore (amore)
That's amore
=
SOPHIA LOREN - AN ITALIAN INSTITUTION
(Sophia was born pipe-thin in a poor Naples backstreet. She is now a voluptuous, wealthy woman; thanks to spaghetti and Carlo Ponti!)
When I saw your young face, wow it made my heart race,
Bella Loren;
And that dazzling smile, oh you just had such style,
Bella Loren;
Birdies sing, sing-a-ling-a-ling, love-a was-a King,
Then my head went-a dizzy,
And your laugh, la-ti-ta-ti-ta, la-ti-ta-ti-ta,
Was like Asti, so fizzy.
When I tooka you to bed, I knew then we musta wed,
Bella Loren,
Yet it coulda not be so, I was married although
Not in love.
In my movies you starred, although it was hard to ignore, when,
I coulda not make you mine, have you here all the time,
Bella Loren.
Then, at last, happily, you're 'Signora Ponti'!
Bella Loren,
They say, "Tut! Bigamy!" you musta leave Italy,
Bella Loren.
Yet we sing, ting-a-ling-a-ting, ting-a-ling-a-ling,
As we eat tortellini!
Our hearts skip, skip-a-skippy-skip, skip-a-skippy-skip,
Like two happy bambini.
Glee, contentment and joy, they were ours to employ
Mi amore,
We were ok, complete, with the world at our feet,
And in love
Though my health seeped away,
You keepa true through each day,
Mi amore;
I will waita here for you till eternity's through, mi amore,
Mi amore!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion =
Home of shapely-bunny sharing!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Spring is passing by
Birds weep, and even the eyes
Of fish are tearful
=
Vestiges of Spring
Shy new life appears and ends
Her beauty is brief
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Same-sex relationship =
I am expert in assholes!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, Reg, was out walking with a Frenchman and Welshman, when he found a lantern. He rubbed it, and out popped a genie!
"I'll give you each one wish," said the genie.
Dai said, "I'm a farmer and I want the land to be fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM'! - the Welsh land was forever made fertile.
Pierre said, "I want a wall round France so that no one can come into our precious country. With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM' ! - a huge wall appeared round France.
Reg asked, "I'm very curious, tell me more about this wall."
The genie explained, "It is about two hundred metres high, forty metres thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman said, "Okay. Fill it up with water".
=
Vladimir Putin, George Bush and Tony Blair were strolling along the beach together after a Heads of Power meeting, when they came across a green bottle washed up on the sand. The men picked it up and opened it, and out flew a genie!
"I am free! I am free!" cried the genie, "And, in return, I shall grant each of you a wish."
Putin sniffed, "A wish? Well, I have one main wish; I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal America."
"Warfare! Oh man, wild!" exclaimed Bush. "In that case, I want the same. I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal Russia."
"And what would you like, Tony?" asked the genie.
"What? Oh ...I'm still thinking," he answered. "Serve the other two gentlemen first."
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Chemical castration of paedophiles =
It can help calm desire of a sociopath
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
by Samuel F. Smith
My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
=
The Divide
Prince Charles
God bless my noble mum,
Defend my tender mum, long may she rule;
I'm far too daft to reign,
It is a royal pain,
I'd rather settle free of strife
With my fine, shy wife!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. Afterwards,
the ladies went into the kitchen and Bob, one of the men, said, "We
tried an excellent restaurant last night, I would recommend it."
"What is the name?" said the other man.
Bob thought deeply and said, "Just a minute ... what's that flower you give a girl? ... it's red and, um, thorny."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it," he replied, then turned to the kitchen and
called, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we visited last
night?"
=
The couple in the well-lit restaurant had eaten dinner and the
waiter was attentively pouring them a third glass of white wine. As he
tilted their bottle, he noticed the gentleman suddenly slide off his
chair and disappear.
So, not wanting to attract undue attention, the waiter remarked
conversationally to the lady, "Excuse me madam, it seems your husband
is under the table."
"Oh, no he's not," retorted the ashen-faced woman. "My husband has just walked through the door!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
CANDLE IN THE WIND
by
Elton John
Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name
(Chorus)
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude
(Chorus)
Goodbye Norma Jean
From the young man in the 22nd row
Who sees you as something as more than sexual
More than just our Marilyn Monroe
(Chorus)
=
PEEING IN THE WIND
Joe Public
Goodbye Tony Blair,
No-one ever liked you at all,
You put your country in the mire
While around George Bush you crawled;
Oh how you crawled, just like a puppy,
And you danced to that hothead's tune,
Now we are on war's treadmill,
Oh, thank God you leave in June.
(Chorus)
And it seems to me you lived your life
Unashamed, a man of lies,
Never knowing what the truth was,
How you were despised;
Oh, and now we need to tell you
No, we weren't taken in,
And yet who heeds our judgement?
It's like peeing in the wind.
The Leader's role was hard,
The hardest job you have ever had,
It made an alien monster of you,
And you lost your country's trust.
And now you're dancing off,
Oh how the Press they'll undermine you
And all they'll have to say,
Is, "Tony Blair? He shunned the truth."
(Chorus)
Goodbye, ex-Head Man,
From a kindred Englishman who's heard
You'll convert to Roman Catholic soon;
Good God! Say 22 'Hail Marys'!
(Chorus)
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man-eating lion =
One giant animal!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Lost, abnormal Prince with the huge protruding ears!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Chariots of the Gods?: Unsolved Mysteries of the Past' by Erich Von Daniken =
This buffoon thinks modern-style space voyagers once visited Earth? Doh!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As the man left court in his invalid-chair with his million-pound compensation award, the two insurance detectives stalked him down the road.
"You won't get away with this fraud," they hissed. "We shall be watching you for the rest of your life."
"That's no problem," he replied. "Watch all you like. You can watch as I go on my world trip and you can watch me go to Lourdes and then you can watch as, before your eyes, one hell of a miracle happens."
=
Paddy O'Neal came through the customs area at Shannon Airport in a fancy Hawaiian shirt, clutching at two large bottles.
"Whoa now! What have we here?" said a suspicious officer.
"Why, 'tis Lourdes holy water I've brought on home with me," Paddy announced innocently.
The officer eyed him cynically, took one of the bottles and swallowed a mouthful. "Ow! It's neat Irish whisky!" he spluttered.
"Well, upon my soul!" cried Paddy. "Another miracle!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
AN IRISH AIRMAN FORESEES HIS DEATH
by
W. B. Yeats
I know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartans poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public man, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.
=
MY HOSTILITY AT A BASRA OUTPOST
(Private Thoughts of a young English Soldier)
I know that I shall meet my foe
Somewhere out in the Basra sand;
Those that I'll fight I do not know
Those that I guard don't understand;
My country is my England dear
My countrymen a snobbish race,
No likely end will bring them cheer
Or make this Earth a better place.
No holy visions made me care
Enough to be prepared to die,
But Mr Bush and Mr Blair
Declared this war, so here am I.
I've balanced off each man we've lost
In battle, with each toll of life;
The blood, the hell, the final cost,
Is any outcome worth this strife?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, why did you make woman so beautiful?" the man says to God.
God says, "So you would love her." =
"Ay true," the man says, "but God, why did you make a woman so foolish?"
God: "So she would love you."
LONG CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A seven-year old boy and his four-year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" said the older child, "I think it's about time that we started swearing."
The four-year old tot smiled, rascal-like, and nodded his head in approval.
"Right then, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, and then you can swear right after me, ok?"
"Ok!" agreed the little four-year old enthusiastically.
Downstairs, when the two kids were at their seats, the mother came into the kitchen and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted to have for breakfast.
"Why, shit mom, I guess I'll have some of those Coco Pops," he said.
WHACK!! came the immediate response. The lad instantly flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, then got up and dashed upstairs to his room crying his eyes out.
The mother looked at the four-year old child and said to him in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast then, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
=
Bored young Rick was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything to egg him on and, as a last resort, sent him to a Catholic school.
On the first day, Rick came home with a very serious look on his face and went straight off to his room.
Later, the mom went up and was shocked to see books spread about everywhere and Rick hard at work!
Later, Rick came down for a meal, but as soon as he'd eaten, went back and studied even harder than before. This went on every day while his folks tried to figure what'd made the difference.
Finally, Rick brought home a report card, laid it on the table and went off to study. His mom looked at it with trepidation, but to her surprise he'd got an 'A' for maths! Unable to stem her curiosity, she went up to his room and asked, "What was it? The nuns?"
He shook his head.
"Was it the books, the discipline, the structure? Tell me, please."
The boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign; I knew they weren't fooling around."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MEMPHIS TENNESSEE
by
Chuck Berry
Long distance information, give me Memphis Tennessee
Help me find the party trying to get in touch with me
She could not leave her number, but I know who placed the call
'Cause my uncle took the message and he wrote it on the wall
Help me, information, get in touch with my Marie
She's the only one who'd phone me here from Memphis Tennessee
Her home is on the south side, high up on a ridge
Just a half a mile from the Mississippi Bridge
Help me, information, more than that I cannot add
Only that I miss her and all the fun we had
But we were pulled apart because her mom did not agree
And tore apart our happy home in Memphis Tennessee
Last time I saw Marie she's waving me good-bye
With hurry home drops on her cheek that trickled from her eye
Marie is only six years old, information please
Try to put me through to her in Memphis Tennessee
=
GET HERE!
Help me Express Plumbers, I've one big emergency,
There's a leak in my home water tank, that's drippin' here on me,
The ceiling's damp and I see water streamin' down the wall,
As I sit here in a puddle by the home-phone in the hall.
Help me I'm in trouble, 'cos the drip's become a flow,
I've told you my dilemma, man, what more d'you need to know?
Pardon me, what's that you say? 'Choose options - one of three,
Then confirm the number with a press of the hash key'?
Help me Mr. Plumber for the drip's become a gush,
Now the ceiling's saggin' and is changin' into mush,
You say my call's important; seems I'm fourteenth in the line,
Thirteen more to go (then press the hash just one more time).
Damn, the ceiling's disappeared, there's nothin' left of it!
Furthermore you're playin' Handel's Water Music shit!
I'm swimmin' like a merman through the house and out the home,
Hey, it's academic now, forget I ever phoned.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's Memorial Service =
Camilla's secret pain - "She is revered. I am not."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
AS TIME GOES BY
Music and lyrics by
Herman Hupfeld
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.
And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.
Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.
It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.
Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.
=
Summary of: 'CASABLANCA'
Sad 'Bogie' plays Rick Blaine,
Lost, joyless, full of pain; then Ilsa Lund returns.
Ingrid Bergman plays the woman
For whom he yearns.
They'd been soul-mates years ago,
And he still loves her, though
She's wed another guy,
The film is set in World War Two,
A time gone by.
Sam sings a love song
On emotivity,
Blaine just loves Sam's song,
So in that moment he
Wants Madame Lund to stay,
The catch? She's got a guy,
O my, O my, O my.
That fellow needs a visa
To leave with wifey 'Lisa',
(Well, 'Ilsa' doesn't rhyme!)
They ask Blaine, "Would you give us letters?"
To aid the crime.
So, poor sod just waves her off too sadly,
It made us cry.
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A life support machine =
Can pump if I lose heart.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Al-Fayed =
Lady and a fellow's end; fated to die in a Paris chase.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Council tax evaluators want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.
A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Honestly, who'd live near Windsor Castle?
=
One hot August day, Prince Charles visited Carshalton Beeches - a suburb of London - to open an organic-sausage factory. On arrival, he looked very suave rigged out in full summer naval uniform, except ... he also wore an enormous, comical fur hat!
During a supervised tour of the site, he struggled manfully in the hot confines to both converse with and offer encouragement to the employees.
Later, the factory owner thanked him for attending. Then, with a perplexed expression, he observed, "I hope you won't mind me asking Sir, but it's very warm with our generators blasting out heat, and you are wearing ... a fur hat?"
"Well, it's by royal command!" retorted the Prince. "I phoned Mummy last night and she asked what I was doing today. When I told her I was going to visit a business premises in Carshalton Beeches, she said, "Carshalton Beeches? Wear the fox hat?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The girl notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?Ó
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new. Let me explain. We have a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a big towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the camp's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, very-hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?" says the man.
"No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer.
You must be new," says the man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge, very-hairy man spins him round, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "How may I help?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the five-hundred-pounds membership payment."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You've not had a proper chance to view all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm seventy-two years old. I only get an erection once every month. But I fart thirteen times a day!"
=
Two old men, Mitch and Humphrey, have been friends all their lives. When it becomes clear that Humphrey is dying, Mitch visits the sick man's house every day.
One afternoon Mitch says, "Humphrey, we have each been keen soccer fans all our lives, and we played in the same team for many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is soccer there."
Humphrey looks up from his death-bed. "Mitch, you've been a dear friend for many, many years; if it is possible, I shall do that for you." Shortly after, Humphrey passes away.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mitch is awakened from a deep sleep by a flash of ethereal light and an eerie voice calling out to him, "Mitch ... Mitch."
"Who is it?" he asks, sitting up suddenly.
"Me ... Humphrey."
"Oh no it isn't! You're an imitation - Humphrey just died."
"I am telling you, I'm no imitation; it is me, Humphrey!" insists the lone voice."
"Humphrey! Oh, man! It IS you! Where are you?"
"I am in heaven!" replies Humphrey. "And I have some really good news to announce ... also some bad news."
"Okay, tell me the good news first," says Mitch.
"The good news," announces Humphrey, "is that there is soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young men again. Better still, it's always springtime and it doesn't rain or snow. And best of all, we can play soccer all the time because we never get tired."
"Hooray! That's excellent!" exclaims Mitch; "Beyond my wildest dreams! So, what is the bad news?"
"You're playing next Tuesday."
LONG CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The attractive woman was sitting alone in the bar when a young man approached her. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"What, go to a hotel?" she screamed.
"No, no," protested the young man. "You misunderstood me. I just asked if you wanted a drink."
"What? You're asking me if I will go to a hotel?" she screamed, even louder.
Thoroughly bewildered, the man sloped off back to his table in the corner, while everybody glared at him indignantly.
After fifteen minutes or so, the girl came over to explain. "Hey, I'm sorry to have created such a scene back there," she said. "I'm a student of psychology, studying human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looked right back at her and shouted, "What? Two hundred dollars?"
=
Like most travel writers, Adam made for the hotel bar before checking into a room.
During his second drink, Adam caught the eye of a curvaceous blonde drinking alone. Not a man to miss an opportunity, he bought her a drink and commenced his usual chat-up routine. After their third whisky, he suggested they go up to his room. "I haven't registered my arrival yet," said Adam, "so why don't I say you are my wife?"
The blonde saw the logic in it, and they enjoyed a night of steamy love.
Next morning when Adam came down to check out, he was handed a bill for a thousand pounds. "What? That's absolutely outrageous! I've only stayed one night!" he protested.
"Yes," explained the clerk, "but your wife has been here all week! "
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS
by
The Beatles
Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.
{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ah... Ah...
Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
And you're gone.
{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds ...
Ah ... Ah ...
Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile,
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
{REFRAIN}
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ah... Ah...
=
BROKEN GLASSES
Picture yourself there outside the Dakota,
With Yoko, in west-side Manhattan, N.Y,
Suddenly someone appears from the shadows,
The man with the far-away eyes.
In this weird moment, the world stands quite still,
Everything's drifting away,
I look at the man who's extending his hand ...
With a gun.
{REFRAIN}
Is this really how I will die?
Is this really how I will die?
Is this really how I will die?
Follows behind you, cries out, "Mr Lennon!"
You look back, his gun kicks, you feel burning pain,
Somebody screams as you drop to the sidewalk;
You pray he won't shoot you again.
Cop-car with siren arrives on the scene,
Waiting to take you away,
Lie in the back while your life drips away,
Then you're gone...
{REFRAIN}
Is this truly how I shall die? ...
Picture yourself looking down on a sidewalk,
At shattered, red spectacles lying close by,
Yoko prays, clasping your head to her breast while
The man reads The Catcher In The Rye.
+ + +
ON DECEMBER EIGHTH, NINETEEN EIGHTY, SOLITARY PSYCHOPATH MARK DAVID CHAPMAN SNUFFED OUT 'MR. LENNON'.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A lady goes on a safari, taking her aged poodle, Timmy, along for company.
One day Timmy is chasing butterflies and soon discovers he's lost. Roaming around, he sees a lion heading quickly in his direction, looking for lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Hell! I am in deep poo!" Then, noticing some bones on the ground, he begins to chew them with his back to the lion. Just as the cat is about to leap, Timmy says, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around?"
Hearing this, the cat halts in mid-strike and slinks away into the trees saying, "Phew! "That was close! That old dog nearly had me to eat!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had seen everything, figures he can put his knowledge to use and trade it for protection. He heads off after the lion, but the poodle sees him and figures something must be up. The monkey catches up with the lion, tells all and strikes a deal.
The lion is furious at being fooled and replies, "Hop on my back, and just see what happens to that darn poodle!"
Timmy sees the lion coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What'll I do now?" But instead of leaving, he sits with his back to them, pretending he hasn't seen them, and just when they are close enough to hear, he says.
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"
=
Leo the lion was drinking from a stream with his bottom in the air, just as Coco, a baboon, was passing by. From the monkey's viewpoint, the lion looked like Leonora (a lioness who had acquired a certain reputation for having loose morals) so the cheeky monkey crept up noiselessly from behind, intent on a bit of slap and tickle.
On feeling the monkey's sudden touch, the startled lion let out an almighty roar, and the monkey, now realising his mistake, took off like greased lightning, running goggle-eyed, through the jungle with the lion in hot pursuit.
The lion was gaining on Coco by the minute, and the monkey was just resigning himself to the possibility of a gruesome fate at the paws of his assassin, when he suddenly came across a hunter's camp.
Without further ado, the monkey dashed into the camp, donned a safari suit, whipped on a pith helmet, then nimbly threw himself into a chair, grabbed a copy of The Times and hid behind it as though he was reading.
The lion bounded into the clearing and screeched to a halt. As soon as the dust had settled, he asked, "Hey man, have you seen a monkey come dashing past here?"
"What monkey is this?" said Coco, "not the one that goosed the lion down by the stream?"
"Oh hell," said the lion, "don't tell me it's in the newspapers already."
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A personal identification number =
I slip card in an ATM unit before one!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Born on a Christmas Day =
Mary's son had not a crib.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Princess Cruises =
Scenic surprises!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The fool hath said in his heart, "There is no God." (The Psalms) =
Ah, The Good Lord is not harsh; He pities the faithless man
LONG CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The matron at a large hospital answered a phone call in her office.
"Would you tell me how Seamus O'Burns is getting on in ward two?" asked the caller.
"Seamus O'Burns?" repeated the matron, consulting her notes. "Yes, he had his operation yesterday, but I believe it all went very well and that he will probably be coming out in two days or so. Who is this speaking?"
"It's Seamus O'Burns in ward two. They don't tell you anything down here!"
=
Two Indian doctors were having a heated argument in a hospital lobby. "Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M," said one.
"Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M-B," challenged the other one.
A passing nurse heard them. "Sorry, but you're both completely wrong," she said. "It's actually spelt W-O-M-B."
"Thanks, nurse," said one, "but we will settle the argument ourselves; anyhow, we really don't think you're in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting under water!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
DEATH IS NOTHING AT ALL
by Henry Scott Holland,
Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
=
POETS OF THE PLOT
(A Witty Output of Fatal Utterances!)
Here lies the body of Katy Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot;
She was aye a virgin at seventeen,
A remarkable feat in Aberdeen.
Here lies my wife,
Let her lie!
Now she's at peace
And so am I.
Solomon Isaac lies under this ground,
Don't rattle your money when you walk around.
Who lies here?
Me, Matty Macuitty
Ah, Matty, is that you?
Ay, man, but a'm dead noo.
That plot is the nicest I've seen all my life,
For it nurtures the flowers and covers my wife.
(To A Wife)
As I am now, so you will be
Madam, get ready to follow me.
(To A Husband)
To follow you I am not content
How would I know which way you went?
(To A Dentist):
Stranger, approach yon plot with gravity!
Jonah MacKue's filling his last cavity.
I would rather be here
Than in Texas.
Here lies my wife,
Here lies she;
Hallelujah!
Hallelujee!
Here lies Tony Crafter.
Who?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
How come that we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? =
The women's seductive cup-ratios are more important forms of joy than the offices of world power?
LONG CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
On Saturday nights the three lads always went off to town together, but Seamus made a point of passing the church so he could attend confession, while the other mates waited outside.
"It has been a week since my last confession father," said Seamus, "and I'm sorry to say I have sinned of the flesh again."
"Was it that strumpet Babs O'Mairan from the dairy?"
"No father."
"Then, was it those cheeky Brady girls in the fruit shop?"
"No father."
"Don't tell me it was the widow Murphy paradin' her wares again?"
"No father."
"Very well; do your penance and be off with you then," said the priest.
Seamus dashed from the church to his waiting mates. "Great!" he said, "I've been told at least three amazing tips for tonight!"
=
"Father," confessed the man shyly, "yesterday I made love to my wife."
The priest assured the man there was nothing wrong with that.
"But father, I did it with ... lust."
Again, the priest told him it wasn't a sin.
"This was in the middle of the day though, father. Is that okay?"
The priest was getting uneasy with so many uncomfortable descriptions but assured his parishioner that it was a naturally healthy act for a man and wife.
"But father, it was a shameless act of passion. As she leant over the deep freeze I pounced on her and we made love right there on the floor! So ... does it mean I am banned from going to church?"
"Of course not," said the priest.
"Oh, thank goodness, because we're banned from Safeways."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
MY GENERATION
The Who
People try to put us d-down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I hope I die before I get old
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to dig what we all s-s-say
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-g-generation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to d-dig what we all s-s-say
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a b-big s-s-sensation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
People try to put us d-down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we g-g-get around
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Yeah, I hope I die before I get old
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
=
MY ... WHAT? WHY?
by ... Who?
(alias Jerry Atric)
My family want to poison me
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Just 'cos I am eighty-three
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Things they do are awful cruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Like puttin' strychnine in my gruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Yo! It's denigration
Of my limitations, baby.
Why don't you just s-s-s-stop that, please
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
M-m-moanin' about my rest-home fees,
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
I'm not tryin' to be a b-burden to yah,
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
It's not my fault I'm g-goin' peculiar
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Yo! It's denigration
Of my limitations baby.
Why won't you all s-s-s-stay away
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Don't want you s-spongers anyway
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
You took my glasses, took m-my teeth
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Now I can't s-see and I can't eat
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Yo! It's denigrating
My limitations, baby.
My family want to poison me
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Just 'cos I am eighty-three
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Things they do are awful cruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
Like puttin' strychnine in my gruel
(Talking 'bout degeneration)
This is my baby onions, baby,
Yo, yo my ...um ... baby? ...onions?
Who?
LONG CATEGORY, February 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy O'Reilly boarded the train and found himself sharing a compartment with a snobbish-looking Englishman and his pugnacious little dog.
"Hey, what koind of pet moight ye have there, sir?" he asked, in a polite attempt at conversation.
"This? It's a cross between an orang-utan and an Irishman," was the testy reply.
"Bejesus! You mean it's related to the both of us?" said Paddy.
=
An old drunk got on a train, sat beside a priest, and began reading the paper.
After a bit, he looked up and said, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
This was just the chance opening the priest wanted. "I'll tell you, my man! It's caused by immoral living, by demon drink and by too many sins of the flesh! So ... how long have you had it?"
"Oh no, it's not me," said the man. "It says here the Pope's got it."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
20 PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 YEARS OLD.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. Nobody expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call you at 9.00pm and ask, "Oh ... did I wake you?"
5. You are no longer viewed as a chronic hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left for you to learn the hard way any more.
7. You know that things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat your supper at four o'clock in the afternoon.
9. You can live without sex (although you can't live without your glasses).
10. You get into very heated arguments over pension plans.
11. You no longer think of every speed limit as a deadly challenge.
12. You now quit trying to hold your stomach in, regardless of who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyesight won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are usually more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.
17. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they don't remember any of them either.
18. Your diminishing supply of brain cells have finally come down to a manageable number (3).
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. Or which folks you sent it to, so do prepare to be told a few times, that you would have sent this out before.
=
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave keys.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 19 phone numbers to reach members of your family of 3 people.
4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for never keeping in touch with friends and family is that they haven't got e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own drive and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Nearly every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, (which you were quite happy not to have the first 10, 20 or more years of your life), is now a cause for major panic and stress. You turn back to get it.
10. You get up in the mornings and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing!
13. Even worse, bet you know exactly to whom you're going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there's no number 9 on this list.
15. Bet you actually scrolled back up to check that there really wasn't a number 9 on this list!
16. AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING - at yourself!
17. Go on, forward this to some unfortunate pals. You blatantly know you want to!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
CIRCLE OF LIFE
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
=
BROKEN CIRCLES
From the time man arrived on the planet
And, hunting, achieved his first kill,
He opened a flood with that one drop of blood;
It's a flood that's engulfing him still.
There's more pain on the planet than ever,
Much hate and much hurt to take in,
But the tears in the eyes
As the innocents cry
Far outweigh the original sin.
Ah, the Circle of Strife
Edges people on,
In the silent hope
Of a peaceful end;
Till we find true love
In a world uncaring,
Ah, the circle,
The Circle of Strife
And the Circle of Hell
Ever plunges on,
Through the broken hopes
And the people's dreams;
Ah but I survived, in
A world uncaring,
And found love through
The Circle of ... Life!
END
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The former Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada =
Murder and death personified in a mad giant.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three Texan surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.
The first surgeon said, "Three years ago, I reattached six fingers and a thumb to a concert pianist. He went on to give a piano recital to the Queen of England."
The second replied, "Heck, that's nothing unusual! I attended a man who was in a bad car accident, and both arms and both legs had been ripped from his body. Yet, just two years after I'd reattached his limbs, he went on to win three gold medals in the track and field events at the Sydney Olympics."
The third said, "Well, that's not unusual! A while back, I attended to a cowboy. He'd been whooping along, buzzing high on cocaine and alcohol, when he'd ridden his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 80 miles-per-hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten-gallon hat. A few years later, he went on to become the President of the United States."
=
An 80-year-old Texan rancher gashed his hand on a barbed wire fence while working the cattle, so he swathed his hand in a bandana and drove alone straight to the nearest doctor. While investigating the laceration, the Americanist doctor asked the man his feelings regarding George W. Bush being in the White House.
The man sniffed and said, "Well, ya see, Bush is a Post Turtle.'"
Not seeing what the man meant, the doctor said, "A Post Turtle! Interesting, but what on earth is it?"
The affable old rancher said, "Well, if you are out driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a quizzical look on the doctor's face, so he explained:
"It's like this," he said. "Ya know he didn't get there by himself; he doesn't belong there; he can't get anything done while he's up there, and ya just wanna help the poor dumb bastard get down!"
<