Anagrammy Winners by Tony Crafter

All the winning anagrams by Tony Crafter from the Anagrammy Awards.

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain =
Naughty aliens responsible?

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
It's no big deal =
Bigot's denial.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth,
For he knew that on Earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em!
=
Wicked madam, aware of God's plan,
Determinedly takes him in hand;
Hey, why aim to enthral?
When a hand round these balls,
Gets her total control of her man!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The leader of the conquistadores, Hernando Cortez =
He rode forth on a desire to conquer the Aztecs' land.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Beaches of Normandy =
Death on some French bay.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother or father or it's my older brother Colin or it's my younger brother Ho Cha Song Sa Chu. But I think it's Colin.
=
Inferior logic. It obviously can't be my mom or my pop, for neither venture anywhere near the Chinese restaurant. Furthermore, my brother Colin (timid poof) likes pie 'n' chips. Ho politely doesn't say a thing. Therefore it has to be... Oh hell! It's me!

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death before dishonor =
Defines a brotherhood.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, March 2005:
Tony Crafter with:
A mortal sin =
Moral stain.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
People who take an instant dislike to politicians are merely saving time. =
Please note it, as we also don't like a vain, lying, pathetic Prime Minister. OK?

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, June 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Donatien Alphonse Francois De Sade =
Dreaded felon's an insane sociopath.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's Labour Party Leader =
Tony Blair (rated a superb liar).

 

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A small dick =
Dismal lack.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge and Avebury in Wiltshire =
When in England, base your visit there.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's 'New Labour' Government =
Blair's vow? Reign on at Number Ten!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Snowdon Mountain Railway Ride =
I do mean a windy tour in North Wales

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man in a supermarket line sees that a gorgeous blonde in front of him is waving hello. He's rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and, although familiar, he can't place her, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?"

She replies, "I could be mistaken, but you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind darts back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Oh, darn it!" he says. "You're that stripper I screwed on the pool table in front of all my pals while your friend lashed my arse with wet celery."

"No," she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher.

=

It was a bleak Monday morning and the harrassed mother was having a hellish time preparing her son Kenneth for school.

"Why won't you understand, mother!" he shrieked. "I am so unhappy. It is awful. Nobody likes me! The meanie teachers don't like me (sniff); the horrible kids all hate me (sniff). I can't face them! I won't go to school! I won't!

"Kenneth, pull yourself together!" said his mother. "Bear up! Life isn't always easy. Sure school can be tough; sure it can be rough - but, as you are forty years old and the school Principal, I'm afraid you really will have to be there."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN / IF I ONLY HAD A HEART

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
New movie: 'The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' =
Worthwhile to see it on a whim, for it can enchant bored children. Heaven!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
JERUSALEM

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"Hope is a waking dream." - Aristotle =
So heartwarming. Said like a poet!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." Mark Twain =
"Whereas the others were all, thankfully, the imprudence of my phobic, misbehaving imagination."

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Christmas movie 'It's A Wonderful Life' =
Festive old film hit is sure to charm anew.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Annabel Lee

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The hardcore-porno star Linda Lovelace =
Deep Throat's carnal icon loved her oral!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Police cadet =
Delicate cop.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Astronomical observations =
To scan a visible star or moon.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
German Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler =
Grim ruler of Fatherland, eh?

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Twentieth Winter Olympic Games =
We meet top men in white Lycra tights!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Rolling Stones perform a gig in China =
Oriental spot for rich, aging Englishmen.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?"

He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."

=

An old couple are in a grannie- home.

He says, "Can you guess how old I am?"

"Sure," she ventures, "but first I just need to grab your balls."
With that, she delves down in his pants, has a clutch and says, "Eighty-five."
"Darn! How d'you know that?" he roars.

"You told me yesterday."

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My real vision? Beating the Germans! =
Every Englishman's great ambition.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Tony Crafter with:
Miss Keira Knightley to be The New Face of Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle=
Nice, gentle, wholesome choice. Man, I bet Kate Moss is really hacked off!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
After having their ninth child, a Brummy couple decide it's enough as they can't afford a larger bed. So the husband goes to his doctor and says that he and his wife don't want to have any more children.

The doctor tells him there is a procedure called a vasectomy that will usually solve the problem yet it is very expensive.

"A less costly alternative is to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to the ear and count to ten."

The Brummy says, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort me out."

"Yes, it seems iffy, but trust me, it will do the job", says the GP.

So the man dashes off home, lights a banger and puts it in a beer can. Then he holds the can next to his ear and begins to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he pauses and puts the beer can between his legs so he can carry on counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works very well in Liverpool, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales

=

A married couple are motoring along at a controlled thirty miles per hour, the wife at the wheel.

Then her husband blurts out, "I realise we've been married twenty years, but ...I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, but gradually increases her speed to forty mph.

The husband continues. "I'm having a fling with your best friend, because the sex is a hell of a lot better than any stagnant congress with you. Don't attempt to oppose me or to change my mind."

Still she remains silent. And the speed goes up to fifty.

Bolder now, he decides to push his luck. "I want the house too."

Sixty mph.

"And the car," he continues.

Sixty-five mph.

"And I'll have the rest too - bank accounts, credit cards, and the boat."

The car, racing on, strays towards a concrete bridge.
This gets him nervous, and he asks: "So, isn't there anything you need?"

The wife replies in a calm, controlled voice.
"No, Bob, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he snorts, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall, the wife shoots a glance at him and smiles; "The airbag."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Asterisks and Ampersands

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The animal psychologist =
"That pig is so melancholy".

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.

Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.

"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

=

A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.

One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.

The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.

"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.

"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The magician =
Am I cheating?

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.

As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.

The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.

As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.

The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.

When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.

=

An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.

The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.

He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.

After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"

Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."

Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY

LONG CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a girl asked her man "Will you marry me?" The chap said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping, drank martinis, went clubbing, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed thin and farted just whenever she wanted to.

THE END

=

As a blonde was driving home, her phone suddenly rang. It was her panicky boyfriend, who said he'd heard tell on TV that this maniac in a car was travelling the wrong way up a motorway. "Please take care, Cath!" the man pleaded fervently, and she replied, "It's not just one nut! There's, like, HUNDREDS of them!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX

"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"Time wounds all heels."

"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."

"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"

"Bury me next to a straight man."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."


=

THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY

Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!

"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."

"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"

"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."

"Why does mineral water which has tRick Rothsteinled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"

"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"

"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."

"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."

"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."

"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."

"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."

"You never know where to look while eating a banana."

"Old ladies can eat more than you think."

"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."

"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."

"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."

"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"

"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."

"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"

"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."

"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"

LONG CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An undertaker was working alone late one night.

He laid out the body of Mr. Lunge for its cremation, and made a startling discovery. Lunge had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"Sorry Mr. Lunge ," the mortician sighed, "but I just cannot allow you to be cremated with such an incredible private part. It has to be saved for posterity."

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"Honey, I've something to show you that you will not believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"Good Heavens" the wife yelled, "Lunge is dead!"

=

A cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral. A massive heart, covered in beautiful flowers, stood in view behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart eerily opened up and the casket moved inside. The big heart then closed up, sealing the doctor's body forever inside its ideal home.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into impolite laughter. When everyone stared at him, he said, "Oh boy! ... I am sorry, but I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist!"

That's when the proctologist fainted.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
If Tomorrow Never Comes

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An adolescent =
Note lad's acne!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Are 'conspiracy theories' on Princess Diana's death true? =
'No, as she perished in a routine car accident,' says report.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ONIONS AND XMAS TREES

The family are sitting at the meal table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

Father, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, Chuck, there are 3 kinds of breasts.

In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like ripe melons; lush, firm and well-rounded.
In her 30's and 40's they are like pears: still nice, although hanging a bit.
After her 50's, they are like, well ... onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

=

These inane remarks annoy his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

Her mother smiles serenely and answers, "Well Penny, a man goes through 3 key phases.

In his 20's, his willy's like a fine oak tree; knotty, noble and so hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's a serene birch; lean, flexible, but usable
After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Oliver Twist'. The novel by Charles Dickens =
Scrawny bloke sent child to thieve silver!

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.

After being stuck in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now; however they were poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. But luckily, your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, not Paddy ... he's a clueless idiot. Anticipating the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The mother is very relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Paddy ... I do like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

=

A HOLY CROSSNESS!

Seamus asked Pat how he got his terrible black eye.

"Begorra, ye'll never believe this," said Pat, "but, I confess, I got it in church."

Pat said he'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for hymns he noticed her dress was creased into the centre of her bum-cheeks.
"So I leant forward to pull it out and she turned and hit me!"

Some days later, Seamus was surprised to see an embarrassed Pat sporting yet another nasty black eye.

"I got it in church again," he began to explain. "Strangely, I was behind this same woman; the fat one. Anyway, when we stood for the hymns I saw her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. Then my little nephew Jimmy reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew the snooty cow didn't like that, so I leaned over and pushed it right back in again!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS

Subject: SOME NEW-YEAR TIPS!!

Hi Friends!

You HAVE to read this and pass it on! I am already carrying out No.3!

(1) Telemarketers:
Say 3 words: "Hold on please..."
Do this, put down your phone and walk off (instead of hanging-up), and it will make each call so long that boiler-room sales will grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone-company's "beep-beep" tone, go back and hang up your handset, as it has now efficiently completed its task. These 3 words will help eliminate phone-soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls where no one is there? This is a telemarketing technique! A machine makes calls and records the time of day a person answers. This is used to ascertain the best time for a "real" salesman to call back and find someone in. If ever you get a silent call, hit your hash button rapidly, 6 or 7 times. This confuses the mechanical caller and kicks your number from its system!

(3) Junk Mail:
When you get "ads" enclosed with utility bills, return the "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you receive those "pre-approved" letters for credit cards and loans, do not discard the "return" envelope, as most of these are "postage-paid". It costs them more than the regular 24p postage, BUT ONLY IF THEY RECEIVE THEM BACK. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Postage was 29p before our last increase. So, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes? For example; send an ad for a local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza voucher to Citibank. If you got nothing else that day, then send their blank application back! If you want it to be anonymous, don't put your name on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to keep them guessing! It is still costing them 24p; and every 24p mounts up!

Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them with 1,000s! Let THEM see what it's like to get loads of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

The Royal Mail also stuffs local adverts through your mailbox. I put them back in their own Post Boxes. Good fun, eh?!
Let's keep our postal service busy since they say e-mails cut into their profits, which means they have to increase costs again.

If enough people follow these tips, they'll work!

THIS COULD BE ONE E-MAIL YOU "WILL" WANT TO FORWARD TO 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS!

=

e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS

Subject: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Hello Merrymakers!

Now that the New Year is upon us, I'd just like to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you who've thoughtfully taken the time and trouble to send me those well-chosen "Forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you all for making me feel so safe, happy, blessed and healthy. My added thanks to the people who sent me the e-mail about rats' crap in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to go get a wet towel every time I seal my envelopes. Also, I love Dr Peppers yet, just because of your concern, I must scrub the top of every single can I open just in case the shopkeeper had some dry piddle (or worse!) on his hands.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know that it can remove toilet stains, which isn't a particularly appealing characteristic. Not to mention the zippy fact that it eats-away a T-Bone steak in about 3 days! Furthermore, I no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because my finger could be pricked with an infected needle-tip that may be riddled with AIDS. I don't use deodorants just in case they cause cancers, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I don't go to shopping centres because some psycho might drug me with a cologne sample, nor do I eat KFCs because their "chickens" are actually terrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count, I had 36,324 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I've learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward these e-mails to twenty of my friends and make a wish within thirty minutes. I no longer have any savings because I just gave them all to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die horribly in some third-world hospital (for the 372,294th time).

In fact, I no longer possess any money at all - but that will change once I receive the phenomenal sums that Microsoft and AOL are quickly sending me for participating in their special online e-mail-system program.

Yes, I want to express my thanks to you all so much for doggedly looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail off to at least 124,000 people in the next twenty minutes, a huge donkey with teeth like razor blades will promptly turn up and rip your privates clean off at 5PM this afternoon. I know this will happen because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's sister's dog.

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There is no great genius without some touch of madness =
In neurosis, admit we see much greatness of thought too

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
by
Christopher Marlowe

Come live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield. =

Dear Miss Capulet

Brave damsel I shall leave thee ne'er,
And will speed to thy shy balcony tonight,
When my love I shall as new declare;
PS: It'll help if thou provideth a ladder and a light!

My Love,

Swain Romeo

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:

An elderly Welshman is lying on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he can feel the end is not very far away, when he notices the most wonderful aroma.

He realises that his loving wife of nearly sixty years is baking his favourite Welsh cakes.

He manages to muster up enough energy to drag himself out of bed and crawl very weakly to the kitchen.

As his frail, withered hand reaches up to the cake-table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, "Fuck off, they're for the funeral!"

=

Following fertility treatment, an eighty-odd-year old woman has a baby daughter.

When she comes home, six of her wrinkled pals suddenly turn up drooling, "Gosh! Can we have a look at the baby?"

"No - later!" she huffs. "Have some coffees first."

Coffees finished, they ask, "Can we see her?"

"Later, have some cakes."

After cakes the friends all ask, "Can we see her?"

"Later."

"Why do you keep saying 'later'?" they ask, offended by her unwillingness.

"I have to wait until she cries?"

"Huh? Why?"

"So I can find out where I left her!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MULL OF KINTYRE

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A McDonald's quarter-pounder with cheese and fries =
I squander our planet and decimate fresh cow herds.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
That's Amore

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion =
Home of shapely-bunny sharing!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Spring is passing by
Birds weep, and even the eyes
Of fish are tearful
=
Vestiges of Spring
Shy new life appears and ends
Her beauty is brief

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Same-sex relationship =
I am expert in assholes!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, Reg, was out walking with a Frenchman and Welshman, when he found a lantern. He rubbed it, and out popped a genie!

"I'll give you each one wish," said the genie.

Dai said, "I'm a farmer and I want the land to be fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM'! - the Welsh land was forever made fertile.

Pierre said, "I want a wall round France so that no one can come into our precious country. With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM' ! - a huge wall appeared round France.

Reg asked, "I'm very curious, tell me more about this wall."

The genie explained, "It is about two hundred metres high, forty metres thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman said, "Okay. Fill it up with water".

=

Vladimir Putin, George Bush and Tony Blair were strolling along the beach together after a Heads of Power meeting, when they came across a green bottle washed up on the sand. The men picked it up and opened it, and out flew a genie!

"I am free! I am free!" cried the genie, "And, in return, I shall grant each of you a wish."

Putin sniffed, "A wish? Well, I have one main wish; I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal America."

"Warfare! Oh man, wild!" exclaimed Bush. "In that case, I want the same. I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal Russia."

"And what would you like, Tony?" asked the genie.

"What? Oh ...I'm still thinking," he answered. "Serve the other two gentlemen first."

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Chemical castration of paedophiles =
It can help calm desire of a sociopath.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
by Samuel F. Smith

My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

=

The Divide
Prince Charles

God bless my noble mum,
Defend my tender mum, long may she rule;
I'm far too daft to reign,
It is a royal pain,
I'd rather settle free of strife
With my fine, shy wife!

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. Afterwards, the ladies went into the kitchen and Bob, one of the men, said, "We tried an excellent restaurant last night, I would recommend it."

"What is the name?" said the other man.

Bob thought deeply and said, "Just a minute ... what's that flower you give a girl? ... it's red and, um, thorny."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it," he replied, then turned to the kitchen and called, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we visited last night?"

=

The couple in the well-lit restaurant had eaten dinner and the waiter was attentively pouring them a third glass of white wine. As he tilted their bottle, he noticed the gentleman suddenly slide off his chair and disappear.

So, not wanting to attract undue attention, the waiter remarked conversationally to the lady, "Excuse me madam, it seems your husband is under the table."

"Oh, no he's not," retorted the ashen-faced woman. "My husband has just walked through the door!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Candle in the Wind

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man-eating lion =
One giant animal!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Lost, abnormal Prince with the huge protruding ears!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Chariots of the Gods?: Unsolved Mysteries of the Past' by Erich Von Daniken =
This buffoon thinks modern-style space voyagers once visited Earth? Doh!

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As the man left court in his invalid-chair with his million-pound compensation award, the two insurance detectives stalked him down the road.

"You won't get away with this fraud," they hissed. "We shall be watching you for the rest of your life."

"That's no problem," he replied. "Watch all you like. You can watch as I go on my world trip and you can watch me go to Lourdes and then you can watch as, before your eyes, one hell of a miracle happens."
=

Paddy O'Neal came through the customs area at Shannon Airport in a fancy Hawaiian shirt, clutching at two large bottles.

"Whoa now! What have we here?" said a suspicious officer.

"Why, 'tis Lourdes holy water I've brought on home with me," Paddy announced innocently.

The officer eyed him cynically, took one of the bottles and swallowed a mouthful. "Ow! It's neat Irish whisky!" he spluttered.

"Well, upon my soul!" cried Paddy. "Another miracle!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irish Airman Forsees His Death

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, why did you make woman so beautiful?" the man says to God.
God says, "So you would love her." =
"Ay true," the man says, "but God, why did you make a woman so foolish?"
God: "So she would love you."

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A seven-year old boy and his four-year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" said the older child, "I think it's about time that we started swearing."

The four-year old tot smiled, rascal-like, and nodded his head in approval.

"Right then, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, and then you can swear right after me, ok?"

"Ok!" agreed the little four-year old enthusiastically.

Downstairs, when the two kids were at their seats, the mother came into the kitchen and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted to have for breakfast.

"Why, shit mom, I guess I'll have some of those Coco Pops," he said.

WHACK!! came the immediate response. The lad instantly flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, then got up and dashed upstairs to his room crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four-year old child and said to him in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast then, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

=

Bored young Rick was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything to egg him on and, as a last resort, sent him to a Catholic school.

On the first day, Rick came home with a very serious look on his face and went straight off to his room.

Later, the mom went up and was shocked to see books spread about everywhere and Rick hard at work!

Later, Rick came down for a meal, but as soon as he'd eaten, went back and studied even harder than before. This went on every day while his folks tried to figure what'd made the difference.

Finally, Rick brought home a report card, laid it on the table and went off to study. His mom looked at it with trepidation, but to her surprise he'd got an 'A' for maths! Unable to stem her curiosity, she went up to his room and asked, "What was it? The nuns?"

He shook his head.

"Was it the books, the discipline, the structure? Tell me, please."

The boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign; I knew they weren't fooling around."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Memphis Tennessee

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's Memorial Service =
Camilla's secret pain - "She is revered. I am not."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
As Time Goes By

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A life support machine =
Can pump if I lose heart.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Al-Fayed =
Lady and a fellow's end; fated to die in a Paris chase.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Council tax evaluators want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.

A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.

Honestly, who'd live near Windsor Castle?

=

One hot August day, Prince Charles visited Carshalton Beeches - a suburb of London - to open an organic-sausage factory. On arrival, he looked very suave rigged out in full summer naval uniform, except ... he also wore an enormous, comical fur hat!

During a supervised tour of the site, he struggled manfully in the hot confines to both converse with and offer encouragement to the employees.

Later, the factory owner thanked him for attending. Then, with a perplexed expression, he observed, "I hope you won't mind me asking Sir, but it's very warm with our generators blasting out heat, and you are wearing ... a fur hat?"

"Well, it's by royal command!" retorted the Prince. "I phoned Mummy last night and she asked what I was doing today. When I told her I was going to visit a business premises in Carshalton Beeches, she said, "Carshalton Beeches? Wear the fox hat?"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The girl notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new. Let me explain. We have a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a big towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the camp's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes, a huge, very-hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?" says the man.

"No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer.

You must be new," says the man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge, very-hairy man spins him round, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "How may I help?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the five-hundred-pounds membership payment."

But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You've not had a proper chance to view all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm seventy-two years old. I only get an erection once every month. But I fart thirteen times a day!"

=

Two old men, Mitch and Humphrey, have been friends all their lives. When it becomes clear that Humphrey is dying, Mitch visits the sick man's house every day.

One afternoon Mitch says, "Humphrey, we have each been keen soccer fans all our lives, and we played in the same team for many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is soccer there."

Humphrey looks up from his death-bed. "Mitch, you've been a dear friend for many, many years; if it is possible, I shall do that for you." Shortly after, Humphrey passes away.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mitch is awakened from a deep sleep by a flash of ethereal light and an eerie voice calling out to him, "Mitch ... Mitch."

"Who is it?" he asks, sitting up suddenly.

"Me ... Humphrey."

"Oh no it isn't! You're an imitation - Humphrey just died."

"I am telling you, I'm no imitation; it is me, Humphrey!" insists the lone voice."

"Humphrey! Oh, man! It IS you! Where are you?"

"I am in heaven!" replies Humphrey. "And I have some really good news to announce ... also some bad news."

"Okay, tell me the good news first," says Mitch.

"The good news," announces Humphrey, "is that there is soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young men again. Better still, it's always springtime and it doesn't rain or snow. And best of all, we can play soccer all the time because we never get tired."

"Hooray! That's excellent!" exclaims Mitch; "Beyond my wildest dreams! So, what is the bad news?"

"You're playing next Tuesday."

LONG CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The attractive woman was sitting alone in the bar when a young man approached her. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.

"What, go to a hotel?" she screamed.

"No, no," protested the young man. "You misunderstood me. I just asked if you wanted a drink."

"What? You're asking me if I will go to a hotel?" she screamed, even louder.

Thoroughly bewildered, the man sloped off back to his table in the corner, while everybody glared at him indignantly.

After fifteen minutes or so, the girl came over to explain. "Hey, I'm sorry to have created such a scene back there," she said. "I'm a student of psychology, studying human behavior in unexpected situations."

The young man looked right back at her and shouted, "What? Two hundred dollars?"

=

Like most travel writers, Adam made for the hotel bar before checking into a room.

During his second drink, Adam caught the eye of a curvaceous blonde drinking alone. Not a man to miss an opportunity, he bought her a drink and commenced his usual chat-up routine. After their third whisky, he suggested they go up to his room. "I haven't registered my arrival yet," said Adam, "so why don't I say you are my wife?"

The blonde saw the logic in it, and they enjoyed a night of steamy love.

Next morning when Adam came down to check out, he was handed a bill for a thousand pounds. "What? That's absolutely outrageous! I've only stayed one night!" he protested.

"Yes," explained the clerk, "but your wife has been here all week! "

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A lady goes on a safari, taking her aged poodle, Timmy, along for company.

One day Timmy is chasing butterflies and soon discovers he's lost. Roaming around, he sees a lion heading quickly in his direction, looking for lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Hell! I am in deep poo!" Then, noticing some bones on the ground, he begins to chew them with his back to the lion. Just as the cat is about to leap, Timmy says, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around?"

Hearing this, the cat halts in mid-strike and slinks away into the trees saying, "Phew! "That was close! That old dog nearly had me to eat!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had seen everything, figures he can put his knowledge to use and trade it for protection. He heads off after the lion, but the poodle sees him and figures something must be up. The monkey catches up with the lion, tells all and strikes a deal.

The lion is furious at being fooled and replies, "Hop on my back, and just see what happens to that darn poodle!"

Timmy sees the lion coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What'll I do now?" But instead of leaving, he sits with his back to them, pretending he hasn't seen them, and just when they are close enough to hear, he says.

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"


=

Leo the lion was drinking from a stream with his bottom in the air, just as Coco, a baboon, was passing by. From the monkey's viewpoint, the lion looked like Leonora (a lioness who had acquired a certain reputation for having loose morals) so the cheeky monkey crept up noiselessly from behind, intent on a bit of slap and tickle.

On feeling the monkey's sudden touch, the startled lion let out an almighty roar, and the monkey, now realising his mistake, took off like greased lightning, running goggle-eyed, through the jungle with the lion in hot pursuit.

The lion was gaining on Coco by the minute, and the monkey was just resigning himself to the possibility of a gruesome fate at the paws of his assassin, when he suddenly came across a hunter's camp.

Without further ado, the monkey dashed into the camp, donned a safari suit, whipped on a pith helmet, then nimbly threw himself into a chair, grabbed a copy of The Times and hid behind it as though he was reading.

The lion bounded into the clearing and screeched to a halt. As soon as the dust had settled, he asked, "Hey man, have you seen a monkey come dashing past here?"

"What monkey is this?" said Coco, "not the one that goosed the lion down by the stream?"

"Oh hell," said the lion, "don't tell me it's in the newspapers already."

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A personal identification number =
I slip card in an ATM unit before one!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Born on a Christmas Day =
Mary's son had not a crib.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Princess Cruises =
Scenic surprises!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The fool hath said in his heart, "There is no God." (The Psalms) =
Ah, The Good Lord is not harsh; He pities the faithless man.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The matron at a large hospital answered a phone call in her office.

"Would you tell me how Seamus O'Burns is getting on in ward two?" asked the caller.

"Seamus O'Burns?" repeated the matron, consulting her notes. "Yes, he had his operation yesterday, but I believe it all went very well and that he will probably be coming out in two days or so. Who is this speaking?"

"It's Seamus O'Burns in ward two. They don't tell you anything down here!"

=

Two Indian doctors were having a heated argument in a hospital lobby. "Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M," said one.

"Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M-B," challenged the other one.

A passing nurse heard them. "Sorry, but you're both completely wrong," she said. "It's actually spelt W-O-M-B."

"Thanks, nurse," said one, "but we will settle the argument ourselves; anyhow, we really don't think you're in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting under water!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death Is Nothing At All

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
How come that we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? =
The women's seductive cup-ratios are more important forms of joy than the offices of world power?

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
On Saturday nights the three lads always went off to town together, but Seamus made a point of passing the church so he could attend confession, while the other mates waited outside.

"It has been a week since my last confession father," said Seamus, "and I'm sorry to say I have sinned of the flesh again."

"Was it that strumpet Babs O'Mairan from the dairy?"

"No father."

"Then, was it those cheeky Brady girls in the fruit shop?"

"No father."

"Don't tell me it was the widow Murphy paradin' her wares again?"

"No father."

"Very well; do your penance and be off with you then," said the priest.

Seamus dashed from the church to his waiting mates. "Great!" he said, "I've been told at least three amazing tips for tonight!"

=

"Father," confessed the man shyly, "yesterday I made love to my wife."

The priest assured the man there was nothing wrong with that.

"But father, I did it with ... lust."

Again, the priest told him it wasn't a sin.

"This was in the middle of the day though, father. Is that okay?"

The priest was getting uneasy with so many uncomfortable descriptions but assured his parishioner that it was a naturally healthy act for a man and wife.

"But father, it was a shameless act of passion. As she leant over the deep freeze I pounced on her and we made love right there on the floor! So ... does it mean I am banned from going to church?"

"Of course not," said the priest.

"Oh, thank goodness, because we're banned from Safeways."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My Generation

LONG CATEGORY, February 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy O'Reilly boarded the train and found himself sharing a compartment with a snobbish-looking Englishman and his pugnacious little dog.

"Hey, what koind of pet moight ye have there, sir?" he asked, in a polite attempt at conversation.

"This? It's a cross between an orang-utan and an Irishman," was the testy reply.

"Bejesus! You mean it's related to the both of us?" said Paddy.

=

An old drunk got on a train, sat beside a priest, and began reading the paper.

After a bit, he looked up and said, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

This was just the chance opening the priest wanted. "I'll tell you, my man! It's caused by immoral living, by demon drink and by too many sins of the flesh! So ... how long have you had it?"

"Oh no, it's not me," said the man. "It says here the Pope's got it."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
20 PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 YEARS OLD.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. Nobody expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call you at 9.00pm and ask, "Oh ... did I wake you?"

5. You are no longer viewed as a chronic hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left for you to learn the hard way any more.

7. You know that things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat your supper at four o'clock in the afternoon.

9. You can live without sex (although you can't live without your glasses).

10. You get into very heated arguments over pension plans.

11. You no longer think of every speed limit as a deadly challenge.

12. You now quit trying to hold your stomach in, regardless of who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyesight won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are usually more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.

17. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they don't remember any of them either.

18. Your diminishing supply of brain cells have finally come down to a manageable number (3).

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. Or which folks you sent it to, so do prepare to be told a few times, that you would have sent this out before.

=

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave keys.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 19 phone numbers to reach members of your family of 3 people.

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for never keeping in touch with friends and family is that they haven't got e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own drive and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Nearly every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, (which you were quite happy not to have the first 10, 20 or more years of your life), is now a cause for major panic and stress. You turn back to get it.

10. You get up in the mornings and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing!

13. Even worse, bet you know exactly to whom you're going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there's no number 9 on this list.

15. Bet you actually scrolled back up to check that there really wasn't a number 9 on this list!

16. AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING - at yourself!

17. Go on, forward this to some unfortunate pals. You blatantly know you want to!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Circle of Life

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The former Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada =
Murder and death personified in a mad giant.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three Texan surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.

The first surgeon said, "Three years ago, I reattached six fingers and a thumb to a concert pianist. He went on to give a piano recital to the Queen of England."

The second replied, "Heck, that's nothing unusual! I attended a man who was in a bad car accident, and both arms and both legs had been ripped from his body. Yet, just two years after I'd reattached his limbs, he went on to win three gold medals in the track and field events at the Sydney Olympics."

The third said, "Well, that's not unusual! A while back, I attended to a cowboy. He'd been whooping along, buzzing high on cocaine and alcohol, when he'd ridden his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 80 miles-per-hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten-gallon hat. A few years later, he went on to become the President of the United States."

=

An 80-year-old Texan rancher gashed his hand on a barbed wire fence while working the cattle, so he swathed his hand in a bandana and drove alone straight to the nearest doctor. While investigating the laceration, the Americanist doctor asked the man his feelings regarding George W. Bush being in the White House.

The man sniffed and said, "Well, ya see, Bush is a Post Turtle.'"

Not seeing what the man meant, the doctor said, "A Post Turtle! Interesting, but what on earth is it?"

The affable old rancher said, "Well, if you are out driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a quizzical look on the doctor's face, so he explained:

"It's like this," he said. "Ya know he didn't get there by himself; he doesn't belong there; he can't get anything done while he's up there, and ya just wanna help the poor dumb bastard get down!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maxwell's Silver Hammer

LONG CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A 52-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.

Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Well? Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you've got another 43 years, 2 months, 8 days and 18 hours to live.'

Upon recovering, the woman chose to stay in the hospital's clinic and have a face-lift, liposuction, two breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even got someone to come in to change the colour of her hair and to whiten her teeth! Since she'd so much more time left to live, she figured she might just as well make the most of it.

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital, but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance racing to an accident.

Arriving in front of God, she said, 'Well? I thought you told me I had another 43 years left? Why didn't you pull me back from the path of that ambulance?'

...God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'

=

An 84-year-old man and his 83-year-old spouse are having trouble remembering things. To help address the problem, the doctor suggests they start noting them down.

That night, the old guy gets up from his chair in front of the TV. "Do you need anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Ooh yes! May I have a bowl of vanilla ice cream, please?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write that down then?"

"Nah, I'll remember it."

"Oh, and I'd love a hint of chocolate sauce on top. Write it down."

"Hell, no! It's fixed in my head," he says. "You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce."

"And I'd also like some whipped cream. I am sure you'll forget that. Make a note."

"Jeez! Don't get so paranoid! I got it, for goodness sake! 1: Vanilla ice cream; 2: chocolate sauce; 3: the whipped cream. Right?"

He toddles off to the kitchen. About 45 minutes later he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and 2 eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment ..."Where's my toast?"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them methodically in laundry basket, separating lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, modestly cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do still more sit-ups/leg-lifts/weight-watching.

Get into the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once, using usual jojoba-and-orange-flower shampoo with twenty-eight added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's thoroughly clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit-and-mint-with-a-hint-of-lime-zest conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed-apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Manuka honey-and-Kikuyu beeswax aromatherapy body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner and wipe down.

Get out of shower.

Dry body with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super-absorbent fluffy towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown with towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

=

SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the corner of the bed and leave them lying in random pile.

Swagger naked across the landing to the bathroom.

If you catch sight of wife along the way, shake willy at her doing the 'woo-woo' sound.

Appraise your exceptional, manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch bum.

Get into the shower.

Wash your face and neck.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water-jets flush the contents off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.

Wash your bum, leaving numerous coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a trendy Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partly dry yourself off.

Fail to notice excess water on floor caused by curtain hanging outside bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror and scratch bum again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat lying on floor, and light and fan still on.

Exit, dripping, and swagger back to bedroom with towel wrapped around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and do the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Carelessly throw wet towel onto bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE ALL GIGGLING, CHAPS, BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY TRUE!!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Composed Upon Westminster Bridge

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I'd do anything! =
Had no dignity.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Grumpy patron): "Waitress! Is this coffee or tea? It tastes like turpentine!" =
(Trim young waitress): "It's tea, then. Our coffee tastes like paint-stripper."

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE ELEPHANT
Hilaire Belloc

When people call this beast to mind,
They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind,
So large a trunk before.

=

BLEED
Tony Crafter

A bull raged down a Spanish street,
Like Hell, the people ran.
More victim than mere loco beast;
I hail the bull. I loathe the man.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
WHO? WHY? WHERE?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and which has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud.

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques.

116 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 have done time for assault.

71 cannot get a credit card due to a bad credit rating.

4 have been arrested on drugs-related charges.

8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year.

So, which of our organizations is this, exactly?

Well ...

It is the 635 members of our House of Commons - that same group, remember, who crank out hundreds of new laws each year to keep the rest of us commoners in line!

Hmm ...

=

THE EASIEST TEST EVER?
(Try this to test your degree of savvy!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) Which animal gives us catgut?

4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel-hair brush made from?

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries originate from?

10) What colour is the black box in an airplane?

Done?

Perfect!

But you need four correct answers to pass the test, so ... check beneath:

1) 116 years

2) Ecuador

3) Sheep and Horses

4) November

5) Squirrel fur

6) Dogs

7) Albert

8) Crimson

9) New Zealand

10) Orange

Did you succeed and get four?

No?

Feel bad?

Never mind.

Send it to five best friends to make them feel bad and you feel fine!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Strangers in the Night

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE POPE AND THE RABBI

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a great outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that his adversary was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us from all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he told me that all the country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."


=

THE POPE AND FRANK PERDUE

Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience, and while having the papal blessing bestowed upon him, he whispered, "Oh, Your Eminence, just between we two, do I have a whoopee deal for you! If you just change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we'll donate five hundred thousand dollars to the Church! Phenomenal, eh?"

The Pope replied, "That is indeed generous, but impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and that may not be changed. The matter is not negotiable".

"Ok then," rejoined Frank, "We do appreciate the position, so we are prepared to donate a mammoth one million dollars to the Church if you change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"

Again the Pope admitted, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".

"Ooh, but Your Eminence! Just between us - I bet it's a temptation!" heehawed Frank, jabbing the air. "Ok - how about a billion! Admit it, that is a good bid! It's the highest we can go."

The Pope smiled as he stated, "Just between us, I have to repeat that the matter is not negotiable. Oh, I heed not the heathen money. Keep it! The Faith shall withstand the highest temptation."

Frank's jaw dropped, and he appealed to the Pope, "Oh, no, we are not heathens! To prove it, we will donate a phenomenal five billion dollars if you will change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That is as high as we go. I'll await the papal decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.

The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news," he told them. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."

There was a heated babbling from the Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them entreated.

The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account"

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
RULES FOR A LIFE THAT'S FULL OF HARMONY

Live simply.
Care deeply.
Love generously.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

=

FULL RULES THAT FAMED ROMEOS KEEP

Live for today.
Care for nothing.
Love ruthlessly.
Speak lyingly.
Leave speedily!

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Philanderer Derek popped into the barbers for a haircut and while waiting for the barber to sharpen his razor, Derek was having a manicure from the very shapely blonde female assistant, and so he grabbed the chance to chat her up.

"What time will you finish here?" leered Derek out of the side of his mouth.

"About five o'clock," she said.

"Well, how about coming out for a drink and dinner with me?"

"But I'm married," she said.

"So what?" winked Derek.

"Well, what would I tell my husband?" asked the blonde.

"Tell your husband straight. Tell him you're going out tonight," said Derek.

"You tell him," she said. "That's him sharpening the razor."

=

A man went into a hairdresser's shop and asked him, "How long will you be?"

"Up to half an hour, sir," said the barber.

"Ok, I'll pop back later," said the man, then left.

He didn't return until the following day. "How long'll you be?" he asked.

The barber had four customers waiting. "Hmm - about an hour, sir," he said.

"Right, I'll come back."

The man did this every day that week and never returned, so the hairdresser became a bit rattled and asked his apprentice to follow him. "Tell me where he goes," he said. "Hurry!"

The apprentice whizzed off, but was back in five minutes. "Ok, I followed him!" he said.

"Right! ... Where did he go?"

"Straight round to your house!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DANGLING CONVERSATION

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
John Keats 'Ode On A Grecian Urn' ~
hooks reader on an ancient jug!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you.
=
To that fat guy by the exit: We must ask you not to use the WCs, as your unwelcome arse is way too huge for the pans!

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed a little old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked what was the matter. She said, "I have a 25 year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, toast, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well! Now, why are you crying?"

She said, "He does me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me all the afternoon.

I said, "Then, just why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he cooks me a gourmet meal with red wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."

I said, "Well, why on earth would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"=
Two elderly widows had been friends for many years. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures, reminiscences and hardships. But recently, their activities had diminished to meeting up once a week to play cards.

One day, they were commencing a game of whist when one woman looked at the other and said sheepishly, "Now look, don't get mad at me... we have been chums for a long time - some 52 years I believe - but no way can I think of your name! I've thought and I've thought, and it's useless - I just cannot remember. I know I am a dummy, but please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For a full 2 minutes she stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you have to know?"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A murder play =
Purely drama

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The music of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Campus folk guitar and fluent harmonies.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he would pass a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her, fearing various saucy remarks that were almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds for a good time, sweetie?" she'd shout from her spot.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily event. He'd jog by and she'd inevitably cry out, "One hundred and fifty pounds - yes?"

He'd yell back, "No! Five!"

One day, Camilla decided that she would like to accompany Charles on his run

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Prince Charles realised she would bark her 150.00 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on past outings. He figured maybe he'd better have a good explanation ready for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the woman, he became even more nervous than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the woman's eyes as she watched them jogging past. Then, from her spot on the street corner, the hooker yelled:

"Oy! See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?"

=

The English golfer's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God, Ruth! Why aren't you wearing any underclothes?" Demanded her husband John.

"You don't give me enough on my shopping-allowance account to afford them, John," she retorted.

John immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, Ruth; here's a 100. Do go and buy some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. An up-draught also hitched her skirt up to show that she, too, was wearing no underclothes. "Holy Virgin Mary, Gale!" He said. "How come you have no panties?"

She replied, "Well, I can't afford them on what you give me."

O'Marah dipped into his pocket and said, 'For the sake of decency Gale, here's a 50. Go and buy some undies!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. A further gust took her skirt up to reveal that she, too, was naked underneath. "Och! Mudder o' Lord Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are your drawers?"

She too replied, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd them."

Jock reached into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb ...Tidy yerself up a bit."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HEALTH QUESTION-AND-ANSWER QUIZ.
By
Doctor Feelgood

Q: I have heard that a proper cardiovascular exercise regime can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don't use them up exercising. Everything wears out in the end. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that is like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering the vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And an added pork chop can give you all of your recommended daily allowances of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled from wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits so, happily, you get more added goodness that way. Beer is also made from grains. Cheers!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ~
Q: What are some of the advantages of having a regular daily exercise routine?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My attitude is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Oh dear me; you're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are saturated in it. How could getting more of these vegetables be bad for you? It's ecology. Ok?

Q: Can sit-ups actively prevent me getting a little fat around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it actually makes it larger. Take note! You should only do sit-ups if you want a larger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans? Yes - another vegetable! Chocolate is the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I trust this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about accurate food and diet evaluation.

And remember:
Life should NOT be seen as a velvety walkway to the grave, with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, svelte and well preserved body, but rather as a sideways skid - Chardonnay and corkscrew in one hand, chocolate-cake in the other, body used up and worn out - screaming, 'WHOOPEE! What a ride!'

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Reusable condom =
Doubles romance!

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife was in the kitchen, preparing to boil some eggs for breakfast, just as her husband walked in. She turned round and said, "You've got to make love to me now."

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'Man! This is my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose one precious moment, he said, "Sure!", embraced her and then gave his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

His curiosity aroused, he said, "What was that all about?"

She replied, "The egg timer's broken."

=

A trucker, who has been on the road for three weeks, halts at a brothel-dinette outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, gives her five-hundred dollars and says, "Hi ma'am. I want to spend this on your biggest, ugliest woman and an egg sandwich!"

The woman is astonished. "Well, ok honey-pie, but for that kind of money you could have had just about the prettiest babe here and a three-course steak dinner," she suggests.

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Mandy

LONG CATEGORY, October 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Read this question, come up with your answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is exactly as it appears. No one I know has got it correct yet - including myself.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy she did not know. Yet she thought this guy was amazing, the perfect stereotype dream guy, and considered him to be just the type of man she had always wanted! Straight away, she fell completely in love with him, yet, unluckily, never asked for his name or a number and could not trace him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give it some thought before you try to answer it).

SCROLL DOWN.


=

Answer: She was hoping that the man would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered correctly, then this shows that you think like a psychopath. This quiz was devised by a renowned American psychologist to test which of us have the same mentality as killers.

Several arrested killers did the test and the deranged nuts answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, then good for you. If you got it right, then please let me know imminently so I can remove you from my mailing list forthwith; unless that will make you mad, in which case I'll just be downright extra-nice to you from now on. Be sure to share the test!

Do remember to let me know if you got it right!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Our Last Summer

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Skeletons in the cupboard =
Bones unlocked their past.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife are woken at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asks his wife.

'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring down out there!'

'Well, you've got a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and help him!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.


=

The duty-sergeant answered the police station's telephone at 3.00 on a Sunday morning. The person on the other end sounded addled and slurred.

"I wanna report a sherioush theft, offisher. I have been robbed! Shum lousy crook has unlawfully broken into my car and has shumhow plundered my poshessions."

"Your possessions? What sort of possessions?" asked the sergeant.

"My shteering wheel, brakes, dashboard, gearshtick, windshcreen. The whole bloody lot hash been taken away! Outrageoush. eh?"

The sergeant humoured him for a few moments; assured him he understood and said that he would address the situation.

"Jesus! Bloody drunken goof, phoning up at 3.00 in the morning," he murmured wearily as he hung up.

3 minutes later, his phone rang again.

"Yes?" growled the now grumpy desk-sergeant.

"It'sh ok, you can shtop looking," said the same drunken voice. "I wish to withdraw all allegations. My mishtake. I got into the back seat!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sixteen Going On Seventeen

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leonardo Da Vinci's 'The Adoration of the Magi' =
A Visitation. Three men on a road. A child of God.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity...' =
'A Tale of Two Cities' - This commences with these pithy, if bitter-sweet, words of wit about the phases of life.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going straight home, went off partying with the boys all weekend.

When the man finally reappeared at his home on the Sunday night, his wife Connie was apoplectic with rage.

After a few of hours of stamping and screaming, she asked, 'And how would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'...

The husband could not believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and promptly said, 'Terrific! That would suit me just fine!'

Monday went by, and the man did not see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

=

A man and his wife were midweek-shopping in Tesco, when the husband saw some tins of lager and idly loaded them into the trolley

'Oi! What do you think you're doing?' demanded his wife.

'Well, they're on offer, only ten pounds for twenty-four tins,' he blubbered.

'Put them back, we can't afford beer!' hissed his wife. He sulkily did as she said and they continued shopping...

A few aisles later the woman saw a jar of Divine Face Cream costing twenty-pounds and duly put it in the trolley.

'Oi! What the hell are you doing?' demanded the guy, we can't afford that!'

'It's my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful,' she said.

The man replied, 'Well, so does twenty-four tins of lager, and it's half the price!'

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
At the vicar's sermon, I think: ~
'Is it over? Thank Christ! Amen.'

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
WHAT PARENTS THINK

I was one happy man! My gorgeous girlfriend and I had been together for a year, and had decided to be married. There was only one thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was eighteen, wore tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I'd always get an eye-popping view. It had to be deliberate, because she didn't do it when she was near anybody else.

One day, the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she confessed that she had desires for me that she couldn't suppress. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in such complete shock, I could not think of anything to say!

'I'm going up to my bedroom,' she said huskily. 'If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me.'

I was frozen with shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the door. I opened the door and marched straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my prospective father-in-law hugged me and said, 'Hello! We're so happy that you have passed our little test! We could not ask for a better husband for our daughter. Thanks, and welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

=

WHY PARENTS DRINK

The boss of a manufacturing organization could not understand why one of his most steadfast research-staff members was off work but hadn't made any effort to phone in. Needing to sort out a problem with an essential main computer, and in order to resolve the absentee mystery, he rang the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello? '

'Hello, dear ... is your Daddy in?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the little voice.

'Can I talk to your Daddy?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised, and wanting to talk to an adult, the factory boss said, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes'

'May I talk to your Mummy?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Needing to find someone to leave a message with, the frustrated boss said, 'Is anyone else around?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman .'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's house, the concerned boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and a fireman,' came the whispered answer.

The boss, now growing aware of a loud noise in the background, asked, urgently, 'What is that weird noise?'

'It's a helicopter,' answered the little voice.

'What's going on there today?' entreated the boss, now very worried.

Again whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, and a little frustrated, the boss said, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME .'

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2009:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Deaths rise in the bushfire conflagrations in Victoria, Australia. =
That evil arsonist has caused horrific burn fatalities in a region.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Voltaire: Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination =
Love is:
Bette Midler: "A rose."
Branson: "A Virgin."
Hefner: "A bunny."
Cad: "A duty I avoid, ami!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Terry checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of the girls he'd seen advertised in telephone booths when he'd phoned for cabs in the past.

He zipped into a phone booth near the hotel and spotted an ad for a kittenish girl who called herself Demelza; a quite beautiful temptress, bending over in the photo. Demelza had all the right curves in the right places, beautiful long, dark wavy hair; gorgeous, endless legs... well, you get the picture! He noted the number and hurried back to the hotel.

When back in the room Terry figured, 'what the hell, let's give her a call!'

'Hello,' the woman said. God, she sounded sexy!

'Hi, I hear you give great massages and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one... No, wait; let me be totally straight with you. I am in town alone and what I really desire is sex. I want it hard, and I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, kinky toys, leather straps, rubber cucumbers, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll get hot and steamy; tie me up, smear me with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Be crazy all night. Whatever you want! How does that sound to you?'

She said, 'It sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

=

As the No.9 bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, Yvonne soon became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up onto the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she apologised and shyly reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, hoping this would give her enough slack to lift her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she could not. No way.

So, even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With an apologetic smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more but again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan guy who was standing behind her lifted her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

Yvonne went ballistic! She turned to the would-be Samaritan, yelling, 'How dare you touch my body? I don't even know you!'

The Texan smiled convivially and drawled, 'Well ma'am, I hear you, and normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
She married and had thirteen children. Her husband died.

She married again and had seven more children. Again, the husband died.

Then she remarried and this time had five more children. The husband died.

She finally died after having twenty-five children.

Standing by her coffin, the preacher prayed for her soul. He thanked the good Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they are finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

****
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

****
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Tommy cried all the way home in the car.

Tommy's mother asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the lad sobbed, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'

****
A Sunday school teacher asked the children as they were on the way to a church service, 'So, why is it necessary for us to be quiet in church?'

One little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

****
A mother was preparing pancakes for her two young sons, Matt and Tommy.

The boys began to argue over who should get the first pancake. The mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have that first pancake, I can wait.'

Matt turned to his younger brother and said, 'Tommy, you be Jesus!'
****

=

The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to offer thanks for prayers that had been answered.

A lady rose from the end bench and walked briskly to the church podium.

"Yes, me." she said, "I have a huge 'Thanks'. Three months ago, my dear husband, Harry, had a horrific bike crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The injuries were horrendous and the doctors didn't know if they'd be able to help him."

Everyone heard a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the horrible pain that Harry must have suffered.

"Harry was in agony, and unable to hug me or the children, as every move caused him terrible pain," she went on. "His disability was heartbreaking. We all prayed fervently as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the remains of Harry's barbarised scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Harry.

"Now," she finished, her voice quavering, my husband is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his crushed scrotum should recover completely. I thank the Lord!"

All the men sighed with relief. The vicar rose and hesitantly asked if anybody else had anything they wished to say.

A man rose and hobbled gingerly to the podium. "Hi," he said, "I'm Harry."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Pissing man =
Missing pan!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A tourist called in at an antiques shop whilst on holiday in Avignon, France.

"I want something a bit different to take home with me," he said.

The owner produced a skull.

"But that's only a skull," the customer protested.

"Oh no, monsieur," replied the owner. "That is the skull of Napoleon!"

The impressed customer bought it and left.

The following year the man returned to France and visited the shop again, searching for another rarity. He again requested something 'different'.

The owner produced a skull, claiming it to be that of Napoleon.

The customer protested, "But you sold me Napoleon's skull last year!"

The owner replied, "Ah yes, monsieur, but this one is when he was still a boy!"

=

A doctor telephoned a nearby plumber to complain that his toilet's cistern had developed a fault. "Are you serious?" answered the sulky plumber, "It's three o'clock in the morning! I was asleep!"

"So? Tough luck!" huffed the doctor, in a no-nonsense manner. "In my work, I often get called out to see referrals at all sorts of unusual hours, whether asleep or not. Equally, I now have a problem that I consider needs assessing quickly, so what has the time of day or night got to do with anything?"

Ten minutes later, the plumber turned up and was taken to the bathroom. He lifted the lid of the toilet, threw in two aspirins and flushed it.

"If it's no better in the morning, phone me again," he said.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A husband and wife are travelling by motorcar from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost 10 hours on the road, they're far too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.

They park outside a nice-looking hotel and book a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours or so and then get back on the road.

When they wake up and check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.

The man explodes and demands to know why the price is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it is a nice hotel, the price is outrageous. And, whilst admitting that the rooms are nice too, they're certainly not worth this ridiculous amount.

When the clerk tells him $450 is their standard rate, the man is insistent on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, then explains that the hotel boasts a proper Olympic-sized pool and big conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they were here, and you could've done,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain that they could have taken in one of their shows, for which the hotel was famous. 'The finest entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could've done,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity is mentioned, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The officious Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to him.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'I think you've slipped up sir,' he says, 'this cheque's only made out for $50.00.'

'No slip - that figure is correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could've done!'

=

Last Tuesday, we took some friends for a meal at a homely new restaurant called 'Mamma Mia's', and noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket, which seemed a tad strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back, I decided to challenge him. 'Hello! Why the spoon?' I said.

'Ah, well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Hallam Consultants to revamp all our procedures. And, after several months of analysis, they concluded that the one most frequently dropped utensil was the common spoon. It represents an average drop frequency of 4.00 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are more ably prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 14.50 man-hours every shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he immediately exchanged it for his spare. 'I'll get another one next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get one now,' he smiled cheerfully.

I also noticed that there seemed to be string hanging from his fly.

Gazing around, I saw that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I challenged him again. 'Can you please tell me why you have string ... there?'

'Ha ha; certainly,' he smiled. Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone's so observant! You see, the same consulting firm also learned that we can save time in the men's room. By tying the string to the end of our 'thingy', we can haul it out without touching it and remove the need to manually wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the men's room by 50.45%.

I asked quietly, 'Excuse me, but, after you get it out, how do you, ahem ... put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rembrandt - 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp'. =
A lot of men sit enthralled by a rotund man's corpse!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Bronte sisters: Charlotte, Emily and Anne =
Eternal tales by the stoic Northern maidens.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a few minutes, he calls to the waiter, "Hey man, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The room immediately goes silent.

In a very deep and husky voice, the young woman next to him says, "Because you are blind, I think it is only fair that you should know these five things before you commence that joke, cowboy:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a muscular blonde.

I am a six-foot tall, hundred and ninety-nine-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The lady sitting next to me here is a blonde and is a title-winning professional weightlifter.

The woman standing there to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about this seriously, cowboy; do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

=

A cowboy went into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee.

As he sat stirring his drink, a blonde sat on the stool next to him.

A bit later, she turned to him and asked, 'Are you really a cowboy?'

'Well,' he replied affably, 'all my working life I've been breakin' colts, herdin' steers, goin' off to hoss rodeos, fixin' fences, rearin' calves, doctorin' calves, balin' hay, fixin' flats, doin' jobs on tractors, shootin' the odd rabbit, feedin' my dogs, and battlin' the elements so, yes, I guess I'm really a cowboy.'

The blonde replied, 'I am a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think of women when I eat. Hell, it seems just about anything makes me think of women.'

After that, they both sat drinking in silence.

Later a young man sat on a stool next to the pair and said, 'Hey buddy, are you really a cowboy?'

'Hell, I'd always thought I was, 'he retorted, 'but I just found out I'm really a lesbian.'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a wealthy Chinese businessman and an Australian man were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must've been waiting twenty minutes at least.'

The Indian doctor added, 'Hmm... I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetent play!'

The Chinese businessman shouted out 'Move on, you men! Time's money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Oh; here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'George?' asked the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're somewhat slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper responded, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their eyesight saving our clubhouse from an inferno last year, so we let them play for nothing whenever they want to.'

The group fell silent for some moments.

Then the Catholic priest commented, 'That's just so very sad. I think I may have to say an extra-special prayer for those people tonight.'

The Indian doctor nodded and said, 'Yes, that's a very good idea. I intend to contact my ophthalmology colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman added, 'I think I'll donate twenty-thousand dollars to the fire-fighters union, just to honour these unusually brave souls.'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'

=

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive there, St. Peter says, 'We have just one official rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are millions of fluffy ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Sorry, but your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this horribly ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another, uglier, oaf of a man. He chains them together with the same admonition as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this and, not wishing to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is religiously careful where she steps.

She manages to go for months without stepping on a duck. One day St. Peter comes to her with the finest man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, muscular, handsome, green eyes, shiny fair hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

'Alleluia!' giggles the joyful woman. 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Katie Price and Peter Andre have now split up. =
It's OK - we prepared the pre-nuptial in advance!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The US author William Sydney Porter ~
used to write triumphally as O Henry.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A SHORT LOVE STORY.

A man and woman who'd never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Although decidedly uneasy over having to share the compartment, they were both rather tired and dropped off to sleep quickly...

He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower bunk.

Shortly after midnight, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, whispering, "Sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the bedside closet to get me a second blanket? I'm feeling rather cold."

"Oh, but I have a much better idea," she purred. "Just for this one night, let us pretend that we're married to each other."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he replied delightedly.

"Right," she said. "Find your own f***ing blanket."

After a brief silence, he farted.

THE END

=

A BEDTIME TEASER.

After twenty years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in a way he hadn't for some time.

He started to caress her hair and neck, then began to move down. He stroked her shoulders, then smoothly worked his way down over her breasts, stopping just by the lower abdomen area. He then placed a hand on her left arm, moved it titillatingly alongside her breast again, working down over her buttock, leg, calf and feet to the toes. Then, he proceeded to trail it up her inner leg, stopping at the top. He continued in a similar manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled back and started to watch the TV.

Having become quite aroused, the wife murmured amorously, 'Oh man, that was wonderful! But why did you stop?'

He replied, 'I found the remote'.
?

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
AUSSIE RECRUIT'S LETTER HOME.

This is a text of a letter from an excited young army-recruit from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm very well. Hope youse are very well too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settlin in at first, because ya don't have to get outta bed until six in the mornin. But I like sleeping in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and polish ya boots and clean off ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin! Ya haz ta have a shower though, but I've decided it's not too bad, coz there's loadsa hot water and even a light so's ya can see what ya's doing!

At brekky ya get the choices of cereals, fruits and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the pansy city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - but, jeez it's only like strollin to the old windmill in the back paddock!

Oh, yeah - this one'll kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep gettin bloody medals for shootin - I dunno why.
~
They reckon I'm good as any top marksman! But the bullseye's as big as a possum's bum and it don't move away and it don't fire back like the Wallmans did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is just make yourself comfy, aim and hit the target. It's a piece of piss! Ya don't even load your cartridges, they come in little boxes, and ya don't have ta steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shootin' truck when ya reload!

Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fightin with Doug and Phil and Monkey and Joe and Kenny and Wozza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither. Looks like I am the best we got in our platoon at the moment, and I've only been beat once, by some bloke from the Engineers squad - he's six-foot-four tall and weighs nineteen stone and he's three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only five-foot-five, and seven stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off, still punchin, to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the lads ta get in the queue quick before word gets around how bloody good it all is.

Well, gotta go now, Mum and Dad.

From your loving daughter,

Sheila

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Right Said Fred

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Piers Morgan.
Simon Cowell.
Amanda Holden =
Nerd on panel.
Megalomaniac.
Oh...Miss World!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ARSE-EMOTICONS:

(_!_) Any normal arse.

(_o_) Some arse that's been around.

(__!__) Oh my! This is one fat arse!

(!) A tight arse.

(_,_) A cute arse.

(_x_) Kiss my arse.

=


(_*_) A sore arse.

(_?_) A dumb-arse.

(_X_) No one enters into *this* arse!

{_!_} A shaky arse.

(_$_) Has money coming out of his arse.

(_E-mc2_) A smart-arse.

(_T_) T-slit? Aye!

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards two men playing the next hole.

Thwack! The ball hit one of the men, hard.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, then clattered down to the ground, where he writhed around in agony.

The woman quickly ran over to the man, and started to apologize. 'Please let me help.' She said. 'My job is a Physical Therapy Practitioner, and I know that I could relieve the pain somewhat, if you'd just let me.'

'It doesn't matter, I'll be just fine in a few minutes,' the man replied through gritted teeth; but it was quite obvious that he was in agony, lying in the foetal position, hands clutching his groin.

As a result of her persistence, however, he at last let her help. She gently took his hands away and placed them at his side, then unhitched his pants and put both her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several moments and then asked him, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

=

An eighty-one-year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm-count check as one part of his health assessment. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring along a semen sample tomorrow.'

Early the following day the man appeared again in the medic's office and returned the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day!

The doctor asked what had happened, and the ill-at-ease man replied, 'Well, it was like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried using my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth too, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing.

'We even asked Millie from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but it was still absolutely useless.'

The doctor was appalled. 'Oh, my God! You called out a female neighbour especially?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jack worked for the Post Office, and his job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky writing to God, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an eighty-three-year-old widow, living on a small pension.
Yesterday somebody stole my purse. It had one hundred pounds in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. This Sunday, it's Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers, and each one quickly dug into his, or her, wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time Jack made the rounds, he'd collected ninety-eight pounds, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a big, warm glow thinking of Mabel and the dinner she'd be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from Mabel to God. All the workers gathered around while Jack opened the letter.

It read:

Dear God,
I can't thank you enough for what you did for me! Because of your gift of love, I was able to cook a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift.
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs.

PS: By the way, God, there was two-pounds missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

=

Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room of the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Labrador turned to the chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

'So, what is the vet going to do?' said the first Labrador.

'Gonna cut my nuts off, I'm afraid,' came the despondent reply. 'They reckon it may calm me down. I'm devastated!'

'Yeah, that is sad,' said the black Labrador then turned to the yellow one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees too! I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside my house, I dig up the carpet! But I went way over the line last Friday when I dug an enormous hole in my owner's new settee.'

'So what are they gonna do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', sniffed the dejected dog.

'How mean!' woofed the yellow Labrador, then turned to the black one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Labrador said... 'I'd hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, a fluffy toy, the video, wooden fence-posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my woman owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could not help myself. I hopped onto her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labradors exchanged sad glances; one of them said... 'So, is it nuts off for you too?'

The black Lab said...'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!!'

LONG CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Feargal and Murphy fancy a pint or two but don't have a lot of cash. Between them, they can only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy says 'Hold it! I've got a good idea!'

He goes next door to a butcher's shop and comes back out with one very large sausage.

Feargal exclaims, 'Are you mad? Now we don't have any cash at all!'

Murphy replies, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He goes into the pub where he orders two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Feargal says 'Now you've lost the plot. Do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any cash!'

Murphy smiles. 'Don't worry, I've got a plan. Cheers! '

They down their drinks. Murphy says, 'Right, I'll stick the sausage through my flies and you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman sees them, goes berserk, and throws them out into the street.

They continue to do this, pub after pub, getting drunker and drunker, all for free.

At the tenth pub Feargal declares, 'Gee, I don't think I can do this any more, Murphy. I am drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy says, 'How do you think I feel? I don't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

=

THE DANGERS OF DUCK HUNTING (NOT FUNNY!).

Benny Murphy was enjoying a fine morning on the marsh, hunting ducks, when he felt the urge to take a leak. He walked over to a nearby tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew up, knocked the gun over, and it went off...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying flat on his back in a hospital bed, he was approached by a doctor.

'Well Mr Murphy,' murmured the medic, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that, thankfully, you're going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and there was very minimal internal damage. Furthermore, we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'Oh, OK ...what's the bad news?' Murphy asked...

'The bad news, I'm sorry to say, is that there was some fairly extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Polly.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' murmured Murphy. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Uh... not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony orchestra and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
HER DIARY

Friday, Fifteenth February.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it could be that.

The bar was really crowded and noisy, so I suggested we find somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very detached and preoccupied so I said we should go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just wasn't himself; he rarely laughed and he did not seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He drove me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was anything the matter but he just shook his head and turned the television on.

Then, after about ten minutes of silence, I said that I was going off to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just sighed and gave a rather sad sort of smile. He did not follow me then, but later he came up, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a trifle cool, and I started to think that he might be going off me, and that perhaps he'd found someone else. Then I cried myself to sleep.


HIS DIARY

Friday, Fifteenth February.

Manchester United lost to Liverpool. Gutted. Got a shag though.

=

THE AUDITORY DILEMMA.

A man believed his wife wasn't hearing quite as well as she used to and thought she may need a hearing aid.

Not sure how to approach the subject, he called the family doctor to get his advice.

The doctor told him there was a simple test he could apply at home to give him (the GP) a better idea about judging the wife's hearing levels.

What I suggest you do," said the medical man, "is stand about forty feet away, talk in a normal conversational tone, and the idea is to see if she hears you.

If not, go to about thirty feet, then twenty, and so on, in gradual stages, until you get a response."

That evening the wife was in the kitchen making dinner as usual, while the husband was in the study. He said to himself, "Right, I'm about forty feet away; let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he said, 'Mildred, what's for dinner?"

No reply.

So the husband moved a bit closer - about thirty feet, he judged - and said, "Mildred, what's for dinner?"

Still nothing.

He sidled into the dining room where he was about twenty feet from his spouse and asked, "Mildred, what's for dinner?"

Again, no reply.

He edged up to the kitchen door, just ten feet away...

"Mildred, what's for dinner?"

Still nothing.

He moved up behind her...

"Mildred, what's for dinner?"

"Goddammit, George!" She bellowed, "For the FIFTH frigging time ...CHICKEN!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
More wildfires rage around Athens =
Flames worsen in dire drought area.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
California State =
Arnie fails to act.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE TODAY.

The telephone rang and the lady of the house answered.

"Hi, can I speak to Mrs. Denver, please."

"Yes, speaking"

"Mrs. Denver, this is Doctor Jefferies at High Dudgeon County Hospital. We've got an unusual situation here. When your husband's doctor sent his blood sample to the laboratory last week, a sample from another Mr. Denver arrived also, and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Denver asked uneasily.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's Disease and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which one is which."

"Good grief! That is dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" queried Mrs.Denver.

"Normally we could do it again, but the National Health Service will only fund these expensive tests once."

"So, what am I supposed to do now?" she said.

"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

=

NO MORE TOMORROWS

A solemn Stephen Stein returned one day from a visit to his doctor and told his wife, Cass, that the doctor had said he'd only twenty-four hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course, she said 'yes' and they made vibrant, passionate love.

Six hours later, Stephen approached her once more and said, 'Cass, I've only eighteen hours left now, maybe we could, well... make love again?'

Cass agreed and they made love.

Later, Stephen was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Cass's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Just one more time before I quit this life permanently?' She said yes, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Stephen, however, heard the solemn ticking of the clock, and tossed and turned until the time was down to only four hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Cass, I've only four hours left. Can we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Steve, I۪m not being funny, but...

... I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The House of the Rising Sun

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
COPY OF A LETTER FROM A GENTLEMAN IN MELBOURNE
AFTER RECEIVING A FINAL INCOME TAX DEMAND

Dear Sirs,

Your superheated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope with a five-penny stamp on it, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us certain melancholy reflections of what has passed before.

You say you thought the account could've been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't been. Well, here is the reason.

In nineteen-sixty-four I bought a sawmill on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-five I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a terrier, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-six the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not one solitary thing. One of the ponies died and I lent the other to some stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church.

In 'sixty-seven my father died and my brother was strung up for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard seventy quid to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 'sixty-eight my lad contracted mumps which spread to his balls and the poor boy had to be castrated to save his life. Later, we all went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the castrated one.

In late 'sixty-nine my missus ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir. Then it was necessary to have a housekeeper, so I married her to keep my expenses down, but it was a hell of a job getting her pregnant.

I consulted the doctor and he advised me to create some sort of excitement at the crucial moment. So, that night I took my shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I guessed was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through the window. As a result, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I'd shot my best cow.

In nineteen-seventy someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was really buggered, so I took to drink. I carried on until all I had left was my pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me very busy for some time.

After a year I took heart again and I bought a manure spreader, a reaper, a tractor and a car, all on credit as usual. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. My wife caught VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on a possum skin that was infected. To cap it all some useless bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.

It surprises me to see in your missive that there will be trouble if I fail to pay up. Trouble! If you can think of anything I've missed, I'd love to know about it.

Sirs; trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a porcupine's pisser with a red hot needle.

I am praying that a shower of skunk shit will pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of useless bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

CHRISTOPHER C. COLLCUTT

=

[Based on a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue, and added-to, amended and fumbled-with to make the anagram work!]

Dear Mr Babbing,

I am writing to express our thanks for your prompt reply to our last communication, and to answer some of the added points you raised. I will address them, as always, in order.

Firstly, Mr Babbing, we must take issue with your description of our last as a "damned begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, here at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

And secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst we have not seen the other letters to which you refer we would prudently suggest that their being from "pauper councils, pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "stuff them next to the toilet in case of emergency" is, at best, a tad ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it's unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, indeed, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a human citizen of Great Britain, with an added responsibility to contribute to the safe upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be a whit of truth in your adamant assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary reckoning ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. And the estimates you provided for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst inventive, are, in fairness, a bit off the mark. Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is distributed to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

And, a couple of added technical points in answer to direct queries:

1.The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" instead of "Mr Babbing" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system:

2.You can be assured that "sucking the very marrow from those with nothing left to give" has never been deemed normal practice because, even if the Personal Tax Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

We hope this has helped and, in the meantime (whilst we would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, Mr Babbing) we ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole frigging jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

ABDUL Z. WADDA- AL- NAWAB.
Head Manager, Customer Relations.
(Bad Debt Dept).

LONG CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, "Hearing your accent, do I detect that you are from Ireland."

"I am indeed!" concedes the second man.

"So am I!" exclaims the first man. "And just where in Ireland might ye come from?"

The other replies, "I come from Dublin."

The first man cries, "Me too! Ah, 'tis a small world! What street did ye live in?"

"I lived in a place called McCleary Street, off the old central area of the city."

"Amazing! So did I! And what school would ye have gone to, by chance'?"

"St. Mary's of course."

"As did I!" cries the first man. "And when did ye graduate?"

"Well, no lie; I graduated back in nineteen-eighty-eight."

"I can hardly believe we've each chanced to be sat in the same bar tonight," chuckles the first man. "Can ye believe that I myself, Feargel, graduated from St. Mary's that same year! Ah, the good Lord is smiling down happily upon us."

At the same time, another man walks up to the bar to order a beer.

The publican walks over shaking his head and huffs, "It's gonna be a long night tonight."

"Why?" asks the customer.

"The Clancy twins are pissed again."

=

A chicken farmer called into his local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of their best champagne.

The woman perked up on hearing this, and she said, 'Hey, how about that? I've just ordered a glass of their best champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said, 'The truth of the matter is, it's a very special day for me, so I'm celebrating.'

'That sure is interesting!" exclaimed the woman. "This is a special day for me too; so I'm also celebrating!'

'Isn't that an unusual coincidence?!' retorted the man. As they clinked their glasses together, the farmer asked her, 'So, what is it that you're celebrating? '

'Well, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for a very long time, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'Well, that's another coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my usual hens have been infertile but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'Wow, that's great!' said the woman. 'So... how did your chickens eventually become fertile?'

'Oh, I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'Hmm, what a coincidence...'

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Racial tolerance =
Alliance creator.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Walt Disney's 'Pinocchio' was a feature-film and a cartoon. =
A classic story, and what a wonderful piece of animation!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DISOBEDIENT WIFE.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car, and says, 'I clocked you exceeding the speed limit at ninety miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Hell, officer I had it on cruise control at sixty, perhaps that radar gun needs calibrating?'

Not looking up from her knitting the man's wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know this car does not have cruise control.'

As the officer is writing out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and hisses, 'Martha, can you please keep that big mouth shut for a change?'

The wife smiles demurely and replies, 'And you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, why don't you just keep your stupid mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'Oh yes, and I notice that you are not wearing your seat belt, sir. That is an automatic seventy-five pound fine.'

The man says, 'Oh... well, see officer, I had it on, but I had to take it off when you pulled me over so I could get my licence out of my wallet.'

The wife says, 'Now, now dear, we both know full well that you definitely didn't have the seat belt on. And, indeed, you never wear it when you're driving.'

Then, while the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife again and barks, 'OH, HELL, MARTHA! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!?'

The officer looks at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, madam?'

'Only when he's pissed.'

=

THE OBEDIENT WIFE.

There was a successful man, who'd worked all his life, saved up lots of cash, and was really miserly when it came to money.

Just before he died, he told his servile wife, "After I've gone, I want you to go and round up all my money, and put it in the coffin with my body so I can take it to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise with all her heart, that after he died, she would definitely not forget to put the money in the coffin. "I won't," she assured him.

Soon afterwards, he passed away.

The day before the funeral, he lay stretched out, lifeless, in a velvet-lined coffin. His sorrowful wife sat nearby - dressed in black - with her trusty friend, Katy, sitting next to her. When they'd paid their respects, and the funeral undertakers were getting ready to close the coffin, the wife said, "Sorry... could you wait for just a minute?"

She produced a small wooden box, which she carried over and put in the casket. Then the undertakers' assistants locked the coffin and rolled it away.

"My goodness, Ursula!" her friend said, "Surely you weren't foolish enough to put all of that money in with your husband's body?"

Ursula replied, "Look, Katy, you know I'm not an unscrupulous person, I'm a good, giving Christian; I couldn't go back on my word. I promised that I was going to put the money in the casket with him."

"Sorry... you mean to tell me you've actually put the cash in the casket?" said Katy.

"I have," said the wife. "I got it all together as asked, put it into my bank account, and wrote him a check... If he can cash it, then he can have it."

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rembrandt's 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp'. =
A lot of minor students enthralled by a man's corpse!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The American film star Leonardo DiCaprio =
Hailed as cool performer in Titanic drama.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Visiting Caesar's Palace ~
is a practice in Las Vegas.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Old friends, sat side by side):
"My wife said, 'What are you doing today, Gus?'
"I said, 'Nothin'.' =
"So my wife said, 'Dear God! But you also did nothing yesterday!'
"I said, 'I wasn't finished'."

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for well over a year. On her return, her Father scolded her. 'Well Colleen? Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even one line? And why didn't ye call? Can't ye understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a... Miami prostitute...'

'What!!?' he bellowed. 'Get out of here, ye shameless sinning harlot! You're a disgrace to this good old Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this highly expensive fur coat, and these deeds to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus an eight-million-dollar savings certificate. Also, I've got me little brother Ian this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, I got the sparkling new Porsche limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Queens Country Club... (takes a quick breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me yacht in St Tropez and...'

'Now what was it ye said that ye had become?' said the dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, father.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a big hug.'

=

CHARLES AND CAMILLA'S WEDDING NIGHT.

Camilla had bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding day, but they got increasingly tighter as the day wore on.

That night after the festivities were finished, and she and Charles had retired back to their room, Camilla flopped onto the bed and said, 'Would you please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are just killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales seized her right shoe and started to attack it with vigour but, despite his efforts, it just wouldn't budge.

'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'

Charles yelled back, 'Yes, my darling, I'm trying! But, you see, it's so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it your all!' she cried out, even louder.

When it was finally off, Charles uttered a loud groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Yes! Yes! That feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Philip and said stiffly, 'You see - I told you she must be a virgin, with a face like that!'

Meantime, back in the other bedroom, a perspiring Charles was trying to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh my god, this one's an even tighter fit!'

At that point, Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, 'That's my boy: Once a navy man, always a navy man!'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Vincent

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A woman brought her very limp-looking pet duck Jojo into her local veterinary surgery. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened very carefully to the bird's chest.

After a minute or two, the veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your duck has passed away."

The distraught woman wailed, "Oh, no, not my poor Jojo! How sure are you?"

"How sure am I? I am very sure. The duck is definitely dead," replied the vet.

"Ah, but how can you be so certain?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He may just be snoozing or in a deep coma or something."

The surgeon rolled his eyes as he turned and left the room.

He came back a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with very gloomy eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a ginger cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to webbed-feet. Then the cat sat back on his haunches, shook his head, meowed and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and sighed, "Well, I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a deceased duck."

He went to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he gave to the woman.

The bird's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "Good heavens! $1500.00?" she gasped, "$1500.00 just to tell me my poor Jojo has died?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $50.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500.00."

=

A man was walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker caught his eye.

He struck up a conversation and eventually asked, 'How much do you charge?'

The hooker replied, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

'$500 dollars?!' spluttered the man. 'Hell, no hand-job's worth that kind of money!'

The hooker said, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see that Denny's a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' added the hooker, smiling, 'I own them. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

The man said, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retired to a motel.

A short time later, slumped on the bed, the man admitted that he'd just had the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every cent of $500. He was so amazed, he said, 'I suppose a blow-job's $1,000?'

The hooker replied, '$1,500.'

'That's daft! I'd never pay that for a blow-job.'

The hooker murmured, 'Step over to the window, buddy.'

'See that casino across the street? I own it outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The man, still basking in the memory of that terrific hand-job, decided to put off the tempting new car for a further year, and said, 'Ok, dammit, I'm up for it!'

Ten minutes later, he sat on the bed more amazed than before. He could scarcely believe it but, he concurred that he'd truly got his money's worth.

He decided to dip into the retirement savings for just one more unforgettable experience. He asked the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker replied, 'Come over here, there's something I want you to see.

'D'you see Las Vegas laid out before us? All those vivid lights, splendid gambling palaces, and lustrous show places?'

'Dammit!' the man said, in awe, 'You own the whole goddamn city?'

No,' the hooker replied, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

LONG CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
WOULD YOU REMARRY?

A husband and his wife are settled in bed reading, when the wife glances over at him and asks him the eternal question....

WIFE: "Pete; what would you do if I were to die? Would you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "What? Absolutely not, Cathy!"

WIFE: "How come? Don't you enjoy being married?"

HUSBAND: "Well... yes. Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Sheesh! Well... all right, yes, maybe I would then."

WIFE: "You would?" (with hurt expression).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in this house?"

HUSBAND: "Well, yes, I suppose so; it's a great house."
~
WIFE: "Would you sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Maybe - it is nearly new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my photos with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like a natural thing to do... ooh, this is quite an interrogation!"

WIFE: "Yeah. Sorry. I am an idiot! But... would you give her my rare jewelry too?"

HUSBAND: "No, I am sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, they are always extra-good times."

WIFE: "And would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Tiger - William Blake

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I'd just come from a really rousing choir performance, followed by the most memorable prayer meeting. So, I bought a sticker and put it on my bumper.

Mamma mia! Am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed next!

I was stopped at a red light at this busy intersection, momentarily lost in thought about the Lord and how great He is, and didn't see that the lights had changed.

It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if that man hadn't honked, I wouldn't have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like crazy, and then leant out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God, woman, go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida amongst them all because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson (your cousin Norman) in the back seat what that meant. Norman said it was probably some Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the sign right back!

Norman burst out laughing. Yes, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the glory of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I went to, but that's when I saw the lights had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters and, grinning, drove on across the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we'd shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove off.

Praise our Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love from,
Grandmomma.

=

IDIOTS? NO; MEN ARE JUST JOLLIER!

IDIOTIC NICKNAMES
If Viv, Kathy and Vicki go out for lunch, they will call each other Viv, Kathy and Vicki.

If Dick, David and John go out, they will jokily refer to each other as, Earwigo, Coyotebreath and Testicle.

EATING OUT/DIVIDING
When the bill arrives, Dick, David and John will readily throw in twenty dollars each, even though it is only for thirty-three dollars eighty. None of them will have anything smaller and will avoid admitting they want change back.

When the girls receive their bill, out come the pocket calculators and it is divided exactly.

MONEY
A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item that he needs.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she does not need but it's on sale.

BATHROOM IDEOLOGY
A man has six things in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving gel, a good razor, soap, and a towel.

The number of things in the average woman's bathroom is about three hundred and thirty-eight. A guy would not be able to identify more than twenty of these.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is adjudged to be the start of a new argument.

THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

GETTING MARRIED
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will get dressed up to go shopping, give the plants a watering, empty the trash, cook, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A guy will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.

LOOKING GOOD OVERNIGHT
Men wake up looking just as good as when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHILDREN
Ah, the joy of children! A woman is dedicated to, and knows all about, her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes, ideas and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

FAULTFINDING - THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...

Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'

Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'

Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'

So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.

The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' replied Roger.

'And has she helped you to decide?'

'She has,' he nodded.

'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

=

A VERY SPOOKY CAR

This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.

John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!

As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.

Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.

A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The melting polar ice caps =
Climate change's top peril.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GODFATHER OF GREEK PHILOSOPHY.

Keep this philosophy in mind every time you hear, or are about to spread a rumour.

Back in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the acclaimed philosopher chanced upon an acquaintance, who dashed up to him excitedly and announced, "Hey, Socrates! Do you know what I have just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to take a small test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before talking of my student let us take a moment to test what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "in fact, I have only just heard about it."

"Right then," added Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. And now let's try the second test; the Test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"All right," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you don't know for certain that it's true?"

The man looked down awkwardly, and it was obvious that he was growing very embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there's a third and final test, named the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I think, probably not..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to relate is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, then why tell me at all?"

The man was now deflated and ashamed, and he said no more.

And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

=

RIOTOUS TIMES!

A Louisianian rancher passed away and left his estate and possessions to his spouse. The spouse, an extremely attractive woman, was eager to keep the successful ranch going but knew little about such matters, so she put out a classified ad for a ranch-labourer to assist her.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One, Matt, was gay and the other, Russ, a drunk. The woman thought about it at length and, as no one else applied, settled on Matt, the gay guy, assuming it would be safer to have him around the house than Russ the lush.

Matt proved to be a loyal, courteous employee who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranch duties too. For weeks, the two of them toiled industriously together, and the ranch progressed well.

One day, the widow said to Matt, 'You've done a really excellent job, and the ranch is a great success. You should go out on the town and treat yourself to a seriously riotous time!' she laughed.

Matt eagerly agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

One o'clock came and Matt had not returned. Two o'clock came and he'd still not returned. Eventually, he came in at around two-thirty. On entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting on the settee with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She stood up and quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Hands trembling, Matt did as she said.

'Now take off my boots.'

Slowly, he did as she said.

'Now my stockings.'

He cautiously removed each and put them on the carpet.

'Now take off my skirt.'

Reticently, Matt unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.'

He obeyed, letting let it drop to the floor.

Then she looked him in the eye and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder =
We embark and ache for togetherness.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Bill Gates is no longer the world's richest man =
The Carlos Slim billions negate nerd's growth.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A guy was having a drink in the bar of the departures lounge at a busy airport, when a beautiful young woman walked in and sat on a chair near to his.

Because she was in uniform, he thought that she was possibly an off-duty flight hostess so he decided to have a crack at picking her up by identifying the airline she worked for, hoping this might just impress her.

He looked across to her and recited the Delta Airlines slogan, "We love to fly and it shows."

The woman just looked at him curiously.

He sat back to reconsider, then he leaned forward again and delivered the Air France slogan: "Winning the hearts of the world."

Again she just stared at him with a rather puzzled look on her face.

Still undeterred, he had another go, this time quoting the Malaysian Airlines slogan: "Going beyond expectations."

The woman looked at him harshly and replied, "Huh? Just what the f**k are you talking about?"

"Ah!" he said, with a knowing smile on his face."Ryan Air."

=

A burglar broke into an apartment one night. As he was shining his flashlight around, checking for the usual valuables, a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

Nearly leaping out of his skin, he clicked his flashlight off and froze, waiting in anticipation. When he heard nothing, he shook his head then continued.

As he started to grab the digital TV, he again heard it, clear as a bell... "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone the light around frantically, seeking the owner of that odd voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot gazing at him. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the bird.

"Yes, I did," the parrot squawked, "I was just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The man relaxed. "Warn me? And who on earth are you, anyway?"

"Moses," answered the bird.

"Moses?" laughed the burglar in disdain. "What kind of sick people would name a parrot Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Alone - Edgar Allan Poe

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
They're bad news =
Debts anywhere.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Man to girlfriend: "I've got a full set of three Olympic condoms, and I shall wear the gold one first. Chances are, you're ~ in for a hit, gold-medalist performance!"

Girl (frostily): "Tell you what, use the silver one and come second for a change."

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"But Guy's heart slept under the violets on Muriel's grave." (from Edith Wharton's "April Showers") =
Peter vows undying love
To merit Ella's trust,
Then he dumps her for Iris
(Who has a larger bust).

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Who says the Chinese don't have a sense of humour?

Two British businessmen were sitting down for a break in their shortly-to-be opened shop. As yet though, the shop wasn't properly ready - it had no stock and only one shelf had been put up.

One man said to the other, 'I'll just bet that any minute, some damned idiotic tourist is going to come by, stick his face through that door, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner had the words left his mouth than, as predicted, a curious Chinese tourist peered in through the open door. In a thick Chinese accent, he asked, 'So, what you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without missing a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

=

Three dead bodies turned up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The Coroner called the police to inform them what had happened.

The Coroner told the Inspector: 'First body: Angelo Elana, a stereotype Italian, died of heart failure while with his new mistress. Hence, as you see, the enormous smile.'

'Second body: Angus Jackson. Scottish, won twenty-two thousand pounds on the National Lottery but wasted it on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the insane smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'How about the third body?'

'The most unusual one of all,' said the Coroner: Seamus O'Shaugnessy, Irish, struck by lightning.'

'So, why's he smiling?' asked the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his photo taken!'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Subject: HELL

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A sniffer dog =
Finder of gas.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The teary young woman - who was relating the details of her accident to the police - assured them that she was not speeding.
=
"What gear were you in, then?" said the state cops.
"Chartreuse hat, faded-lemon two-piece, mint shoes, tights and a yellow thong."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rainy Days and Mondays


SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Clarkson and his pal Sam decided to go skiing, so they loaded up Charles's van and headed north.

After travelling for some hours, they got caught in a bad snowstorm, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could shelter there for the night.

'I realise that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she said. 'The neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Oh, don't worry,' Charles said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather clears up, we'll be gone in the morning.'

The lady agreed. The men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and the men headed off to enjoy an excellent weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Charles got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally decided it must be from the lawyer of the attractive widow he'd met on the skiing trip.

He dropped in on Sam and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing trip up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' replied Sam.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well... yes,' Sam said, a bit embarrassed at being found out. 'I have to admit, I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?'

Sam's face turned as red as a beetroot. 'Yes, I'm sorry Charles; I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

=

TEODORO, THE MIDDLE-AGED LOTHARIO.

Teodoro, a middle-aged but reputedly virile Italian gentleman, was having a drink at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.

They chatted for a while and things duly progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment. After more drinks and witty chat on his part, they retired to the bedroom, where he rattled her senseless...

After their joyful activity, he asked with a happy smile, 'So, you finish, yes?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Somewhat deflated, but keen to live up to his mighty reputation, Teodoro reached for her and they resumed their intimacy. This time they made love with added voracity and there were howls of wild passion. The furious sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, 'You finish, yes?'

After a short pause, the woman returned his smile, cuddled up closer to him and softly murmured, 'No.'

Mamma mia! Stunned, but determined not to leave this magnificent woman unsatisfied, Teodoro reached for her yet again. Summoning up the very last of his strength, he was barely able to get through it, but they finally ended together screaming joyfully, bucking, clawing and ripping at the bed sheets. Wow, dynamite!

The exhausted Teodoro fell onto his back, groggy and gasping. Barely able to turn his head toward her, he looked into the woman's eyes, smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Hardly able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered, 'No, I Norwegian.'

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The honeymoon virgin =
Oi! No hymen overnight!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Don't eat cereals that change the colour of the milk =
Chocolate Corn Flakes that delight me are out then?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GOLFING NUN

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a heavy sigh.

'What troubles you, Sister Cecelia?' asked the Mother Superior... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Jesus.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior concurred. 'So, I take it your day of joyous recreation was not relaxing?'

'Joyous? Far from it,' groaned the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness me!' gasped the Mother Superior. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the eighth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother... a five-hundred-and-forty-yard par-five, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I chose ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that did not make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it! While I'm still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel jumps out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that could make me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

'But I did not, Mother!' cried the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I'm pondering whether it's a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So, that is when you cursed,' said the other with a knowing smile.

'No, that wasn't it either,' she cried, 'because, as the hawk was flying out of sight, the squirrel began to struggle and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball pinged out of his paws and rolled to about eighteen inches from the hole!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ....

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

=

THE GOLFING ASSASSIN.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're very welcome.' So, with that, they started playing and they enjoyed the game, as well as the stranger's company.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'Well, I'm a... professional hit man. I carry out assassinations,' was the somewhat embarrassed reply.

'What? You are kidding, right?' they responded, flabbergasted.

'No, I'm not,' he said, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out an impressive sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'And to prove it, this is my equipment.'

'Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,' whistled the other friend. 'Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to spot my house from here.'

He picked up the rifle and looked westwards through the sight, towards the direction of his house.

'Yep, I can see my house all right. Wow, this sight's terrific! I can view right in through the windows. And there's my wife in the front bedroom...! I can see that she's stark naked... W'wait a minute,' he stuttered, 'that's my neighbour in there with her... Lord! He's undressed as well!' He turned to the hit man, 'Right,' he huffed, 'that's it! How much would you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a standard flat rate for you - a thousand dollars, plus tax, every time I pull the trigger.'

'Will you liquidate both of them for me right now?'

'Ok,' he nodded, 'what are your requirements?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been a bigmouth, so take her square in the mouth. Then, that sex-mad neighbour who's supposed to be my friend - shoot his worthless dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man nodded, 'I understand'. He lifted the rifle, composed himself, then started to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Well? Are you going to do it or not?' asked the frustrated friend.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I may be able to save you a grand here...'

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Doleful evening ~
feeling unloved.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Pyramids =
A head-tipping mystery!

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dearest Wife,

I know you must surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being a fifty-four-year old woman, can no longer satisfy. I am extremely satisfied with your cookery skills and your housekeeping prowess, and I value you as an unusually good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not misinterpret the fact that I shall be spending this evening with my more comely, eighteen-year-old secretary at the Comfort Lodge Hotel.

Please do not be too upset - I shall make sure I am back home before midnight and I shall, of course, try not to awaken you.'

When the man returned home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
~
'To My Dear Husband,

Well, I've read your letter, and thanks for your honesty regarding my age. May I take this opportunity to remind you that you are fifty-four as well?

As you know, I'm a maths teacher at the local college, and I'd like to inform you that, while you're at the Comfort Lodge, I'll be at the Purple Panther Inn with Greg, one of my students, who also happens to be a bodybuilder and tennis coach. He's virile, well-endowed, tireless and, like your secretary, eighteen and single.

As a businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you'll understand that we're both kind of in the same situation, although with one vast difference; eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SENIOR CENTRE

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre, and Claude the hypnotist declared: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude said: 'I want you all to keep your eyes on this watch. It is very special and has been in my family for five generations.'

He began to swing the watch slowly back and forth while gently purring, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...' The old audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes all followed the watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'Shit!' cursed the hypnotist.

It took three days to clear up the Centre.

=

SENIOR ROAD TRIP

Whilst away on a road trip, an old couple stopped at a cafe to have lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they left the table to continue the trip.

Exiting the cafe, the woman unwittingly left her spectacles on the table inside, and didn't miss them until they'd driven thirty miles.

To make matters worse, they had to go quite a few miles down the freeway to find somewhere safe to turn round before they could go back to pick up the spectacles.

All the way back, the husband was the classic waspish, tetchy old man. He cussed and complained during the whole drive, tactlessly criticizing his wife's mistake. The more he ranted, the tetchier he became, not letting up on his incessant whining for a minute.

To the wife's relief, they finally reached the cafe. As the woman zipped out of the car and ran in to get her spectacles, the old guy called to her, "And while you're in there, you may as well get my hat and credit cards!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
NELSON AND HARDY ON THE EVE OF BATTLE.

NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.

HARDY: Aye, aye sir.

NELSON: Just a minute; that is not what I dictated, what is the meaning of this?

HARDY: Sorry sir?

NELSON (reading out loud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'. What gobbledegook is this?

HARDY: It's Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the EU censors, lest it be construed as racist.

NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and my tobacco.

HARDY: I'm sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.

NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

HARDY; The rum ration has been withdrawn, Admiral. It is part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

NELSON: Good heavens Hardy, no rum? I suppose we had better get on with it then full speed ahead.

HARDY: Um... I think you'll find that there is now a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in naval history! We must advance with all dispatch. Let me have a report from the crow's nest please.

HARDY: That won't be possible, sir.

NELSON: What?!

HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness; and they said that rope ladders do not meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there; not until suitable scaffolding can be erected.

NELSON: Then you must deploy the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.

HARDY: Um... that won't be possible either, sir.

NELSON: What! Why not, man?

HARDY: He is busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.

NELSON: Wheelchair access? Humbug! I have never heard anything so absurd!

HARDY: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.

NELSON: Differently-abled? I only have one arm ~
and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't progress to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.

HARDY: Er... actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiencies.

NELSON: Good Lord! Whatever next? Give me full sail. The breeze and the salt spray beckon!

HARDY: A couple of problems there also, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew climb the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?

NELSON: Bejabbers! I profess I've never heard such garbage! Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

HARDY: It seems the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

NELSON: What? This is mutiny!

HARDY: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of perhaps being charged with murder if they actually, well... kill someone. There's a pair of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

NELSON: Then how are we to sink the French and Spanish aggressors?

HARDY: Er... we're not, sir.

NELSON: We're not?

HARDY: No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our steadfast European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We might get clobbered with a compensation claim.

NELSON: But we detest the Frogs as we detest the devil.

HARDY: Best not let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.

NELSON: Don't you consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King?

HARDY: Not any more, sir. We need to, quote: 'be inclusive in this multicultural age.' Now put on this padded Kevlar vest, please. It's the rules, and could save your life.

NELSON: Don't tell me Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

HARDY: As explained, sir, rum's off the agenda. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

NELSON: And... what about sodomy?

HARDY: I believe that is now legal, sir.

NELSON: In that case: Kiss me, Hardy!

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A kindly Mother Superior called the nuns together and said, "I have to announce that we've a case of gonorrhoea in the ~
convent."
"Oh, I thank the Heavens!" said one nun elder to a colleague at the group's rear, "I am so tired of Chardonnay White."

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I was very unhappy last night and got to thinking about my life - the ruined economy, the wars abroad, the dearth of any jobs, all those bad retirement fund losses, my wife's cheating... you get my drift?

So I phoned the Samaritans.

Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

=

Naturist Scott was sunbathing starkers on the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep 'other' things from getting burned, he'd placed a hat over his manhood.

A woman in a bikini jiggled past and exclaimed sarcastically, "Hey, meathead, if you were any kinda gentleman you'd lift your hat."

Scott smiled and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it'd lift itself."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
MONKTON HALL RESTAURANT.

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends were discussing where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the waiters wore tight pants and had nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the home-cooked food was very good and the selection of wines was very good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami, mainly because they could dine there in peace and quiet and it had an exceptionally beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the establishment was now wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because they had never been there before.

=

AN ASTUTE DEALER

Several men were in the changing room of a golf club at Fort Lauderdale. Suddenly, a cell-phone on a seat rang and one of the guys engaged the hands-free function and started to chat.

Everyone else in the room paused to listen.

MAN: "Yes?"

WOMAN: "Sweetheart, it's Susie. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at a Lauderdale shopping centre and I have found an utterly beautiful Burberry leather coat. It's only $1,100. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "Yes, sure Susie. Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "Really? Gee, thanks sweetie! I also called in at a Mercedes dealership and looked at their new 2010 models. There was a cherry-red sedan there that I really loved."

MAN: "I see. How much is it?"

WOMAN: "$74,600."

MAN: "Yes, let's get it; but for that price I'd require all the added accessories as standard."

WOMAN: "Super! Er... there is one other thing, dear... The house that we were after last year is on the market again. They are asking eight-hundred and fifty-thousand dollars."

MAN: "Well, go ahead and offer them 800K. They'll probably accept that. If they don't reduce, we can easily afford the extra fifty. It is an unusually fair price."

WOMAN: "Great! See you later, sweetheart! I love you so much."

MAN: "'Bye Susie. I love you too."

The man hung up. The other guys in the changing room were staring at him in open-mouthed astonishment... He smiled and said:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

LONG CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
HELEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
Whoopee! All set for the cruise tomorrow! All my elegant gowns, best swimsuits, packed. How exciting!

Our women's Red Hat chapter organised this "girls-only" trip.

It will be my first one. Ooh! Cannot wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Whole day out at sea, beautiful. Spotted whales, dolphins too. Met our Captain - John Houghton. Very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
Red-hot. Lounged around the pool, swum a while, then bumped into Captain Houghton on the upper deck.

He invited me to join him at his table for dinner later. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. John's very handsome.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won 80 in the casino. Captain asked me to take dinner with him in his own cabin. Had yummy meal complete with oysters and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but told him no; I would not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
At loose-end, so lounged around pool, though got sunburned so went for drink in pool-bar. Stayed there all day. John Houghton saw me, bought me several drinks. John's really charming. Once again asked me to spend the night in his cabin, but refused. He told me, if I did not let him have his naughty way with me, he would sink the ship... I was thoroughly shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.

Three times.

=

DADDY'S PHONE CALL.

Rrriiiiing, rrriiiiing... Rrriiiiing, rriiiiing...

'Hello?'

'Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's in the bedroom with Uncle Alec.'

(After a brief pause)

'... But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Alec.'

'Oh yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now.'

(Brief Pause...)

'Er, okay, this is what I want you to do. Lay the phone down on the table, hurry off upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and call to Mommy that Daddy's car is just coming into the driveway.'

'Yes, okay Daddy, just a minute.'

(A few minutes later...)

'I did as you said, Daddy.'

'And exactly what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and hit her head real hard on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Alec?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on as well. He was really scared, and he jumped straight out of the back window and landed head-first in the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

(A long pause...)

(A longer pause...)

(An even longer pause...)

(Then Daddy says...)

'Swimming pool...? Erm, so... is this 02080 113456?'

'No, I think you have the wrong number...'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness to John Hinckley:

People could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deluded and deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, inside his twisted mind, loved Jodie so much that, to make himself well regarded by her, he decided to assassinate President Reagan. But his attempt failed - the President was wounded but survived.

There is speculation that Hinckley may soon be released, having been considered as rehabilitated. Consequently, you will all appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. N. Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In accordance with our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we wanted you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that extreme mental stress and pain could well have driven you to commit such a desperate act.

We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to rejoin the world as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan and Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, President Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

=

A Key Way to Rearrange Our System.

Easy! Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would enjoy access to showers; hobbies; a walking (or jogging) area and any games they enjoy; they'd have unlimited free dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. They'd learn new work-skills and receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed emergency assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice weekly and their clothing ironed and returned to them as new.

A guard would look in on them by arrangement every twenty minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They'd enjoy family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would enjoy access to a library, a weight room, a pool, humane spiritual counselling and education breaks.

Basic clothing. Shoes, slippers, pyjamas, are free, and any legal aid can be arranged on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard, with gardens.

For entertainment, each senior would have a PC, a TV, a radio, and make daily phone calls.

There would be a Governor and a board of 11 directors, to hear any complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that they must strictly adhere to.

The 'crooks' would get near-cold food, be left alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and a shower once a week. Must live in a tiny room for eternity, and pay $9K per month with no hope of getting out.

Justice for all. Ok?

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'Sensitive' photographs =
'Private' posing shots, eh?

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Book of the Dead =
Good-bye and keep to the faith!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife came home, pulled into the driveway, bolted into the house and shouted at the top of her lungs,' Stan, just pack your bags ~ I've won the lottery!'
'Oh my God, Pauleen!' said her no-use husband. 'What do I pack? All beach stuff, I hope!'
'Doesn't matter; just get out.'

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leroy Williams gets in the line, and when it's his turn, the preacher says: 'Hello, Leroy Williams, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Well, Preacher James, I just want you to pray for my hearing.'

At that, the preacher puts a finger to Leroy's left ear, and places the other hand atop his head. Then he tilts his own head to the Heavens and begins praying with great gusto.

A few moments later, the preacher removes both hands, steps back, bellows, 'Hallelujah!' and asks: 'Well, Leroy Williams - how's that hearing of yours now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday.'

=

A teacher was talking to her class of six-year-olds about whales.

She insisted it was impossible for whales to swallow humans because, although they are very large, their throats are very small.

One young girl in front, Penny Dwyer, put her hand up to say that poor Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated to Penny that it is physically impossible for whales to swallow humans.

Undeterred, Penny retorted, 'When I get to Heaven I'm gonna ask Mr. Jonah myself.'

'Really, Penny?' responded the teacher. 'So... what if Jonah went to Hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Here's something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The wonder of Salisbury's "Stonehenge" =
Hey, it's renowned for huge stone slabs!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ANNOUNCEMENT: International Alert Levels Raised!

The English are feeling the heat in the wake of recent terrorist threats and, as a safeguard, have now raised the national security level from "Displeased" to "Peeved". Security levels may soon be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in Nineteen-forty, when it looked like tea supplies could run short.

Terrorism has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was back in Fifteen-eighty-eight, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have also raised their level from "Pissed Off" to "So, let's go and get those Bastards". They do not have any more levels. This is the reason those war-waging Scots have been used on the British army's front line for the last three-hundred years.

The French government announced today that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". This unusual rise was precipitated by a recent fire in France that wrecked a major white flag factory and has effectively paralysed all the country's military capabilities.

Italy has also increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".~
There are two levels left: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their state of terrorist alert from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor's Territory" and "Lose".

The Belgians aren't bothered as they're all on holiday. The only itty-bitty threat they find to worry about is that of NATO pulling out of Brussels soon.

The Spanish are excited to see their latest submarines ready to be deployed. These nifty, perfectly designed submarines have glass bottoms fitted so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

In the meantime, the Americans are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on their friends "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "baa" to "BAA!" Due to their current stiff reductions in defence spending, New Zealand has only one further level of alert, which is: "I hope Australia will come to our rescue".

Australia has raised its security alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three other escalation levels remain. They are: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and, thirdly, "The barbie is cancelled".

So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the third escalation level.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2011:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
A Rorschach Test =
Character shots.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Late one night an old lady rang her vet and asked him the best way to separate a pair of copulating dogs.

"I'd say your best bet is to try prising them apart with a stick," he said.

A few minutes later, the old lady rang back saying the stick hadn't worked and could he advise something else.

"Oh, I dunno," said the vet, "You could try throwing water over them, perhaps?"

A few minutes later the lady phoned again. Unfortunately, the water had not done the job and she asked if there was anything else she could try.

"Go and tell one of the dogs it's wanted on the phone," said the vet, now becoming rather annoyed.

"Huh? That's a bit of an unusual remedy!" said the old lady. "Will it work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "it's already worked three times with me."

=

The elderly lady was standing at the cruise ship's railing clutching her hat to her head to stop the wind blowing it away.

A gentleman approached the aged female and said, "Pardon me, madam; I don't wish to appear forward, but did you know that the whole of your dress is billowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I did know that 'detail'," she stated. "However, I need to have both hands free to hold onto the hat."

"But madam, you must realise that you are not wearing knickers and that your privates are on full view to all the deck's passengers!" entreated the gentleman.

The lady glanced down, then looked back at the gentleman. "Sir," she retorted flakily, "anything you see down there is seventy-five years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Your Song

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A girl asks her boyfriend Graham to come over Friday night to meet her parents and to have dinner with them.

Since it is such a momentous event, the girl announces to him that, after dinner, she would like to go out somewhere romantic and make love for the first time.

Graham is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps him for about an hour, telling the boy everything there is to know about condoms and about sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks Graham how many condoms he would like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy settles on the family size because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Graham turns up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Ooh, I'm so excited about you meeting my parents,' she says; 'come in!'

Graham goes in and is led to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. About a minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head bowed.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from him.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were so religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

=

Three McDonald's trade Executives are captured by tribesmen deep in an Amazon rainforest and taken to their chief.

"You very bad men!" says the chief, "destroy our forests. You shall be punished."

The 3 men look at each other apprehensively.

"You!" says the chief, pointing aggressively at the first man. "I let you choose. Death... or bum-bum!"

"I don't want to die!" shrieks the quaking man. "I don't know what this bum-bum is, but I'll take it!"

With that, 10 of the biggest, most strapping warriors grab the helpless man, throw him over a log and continue to roger him mercilessly for half-an-hour until he is a sad, bloodied wreck, then drag him away.

The chief looks at the second McDonald's man and says, "I give you same choice as him. Death or bum-bum!"

"Heck, what you did to my pal was horrific," gasps the distressed man, "but... I don't want to die either. I shall take bum-bum."

With that, 20 eager, strapping warriors grab the man, throw him over the same log, and roger him in the same, senselessly appalling manner for an hour, leaving him in a worse state than the first man.

The chief then turns to the last exec, who is the most senior of the three, and before he can speak, the man spits defiantly, "Kiss my ass! I will not experience the same sordid indignity as those spineless idiots! Death before dishonor, say I! Yes... I choose death!"

At that, a great cheer goes up from the tribe as they all roar as one: "Hooray! Death by bum-bum!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Do not stand at my grave and weep

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Money is the root of all evil =
Yet the love of oil is normal?

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I was alone at the bar, just staring at my Scotch when a really huge biker stepped up to me, picked up my drink and downed it in one gulp.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about that?" he said menacingly, as I dissolved into tears.

"Oh, come on, man," the biker said, "Hell, I didn't think you'd cry. I hate to see a man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for work and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet behind in the cab home. Then I found my old lady in bed with the delivery man, and, to cap it all, my dog Curtis bit me."

"So I came here to work up the courage to end it all. I bought a drink, dropped a cyanide capsule in and watched the poison dissolve. Then you, you asshole, showed up and drank the lot! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

=

A smart-looking lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide'

The pharmacist asked, 'Now, why in the world would you be needing cyanide?'

The woman answered, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

'Lord have mercy!' cried the dumbfounded man. 'You want me to sell you cyanide to kill off your husband? I could never agree to that because it's against the law! I'd be compromised, and I'd lose my license. Then, after that, they'd sling us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. So, I am NOT giving you any cyanide. Absolutely not!'

The woman reached into her bag and took out a picture showing her husband, in bed, making love to the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Ah... now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
How To Get On In Society

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There are skinny boobs (.)(.)

There are larger boobs ( o Y o )

Cold boobs ( ^ )( ^ )

And floppy boobs { o }{ o }

And even those asymmetrical
boobs ( o )( . )
~
There are normal boobs ( . )( . )

Silicone boobs ( + )( + )

Perky boobs ( * ) ( * )

Perfect boobs ( o )( o )

Oh, yes...

And Grandma's boobs \./\./

(And they are lovely too!)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Autobiography [version II]

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2011:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
To the victor go the spoils =
I've rights to scoop the lot!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two Irish brothers, Patrick and Connor McGough, had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, that they would bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in time he did die and the brothers kept their promise.

They set off with their Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded into their little rowboat. After a while Patrick McGough said, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out, Connor?"

Without a word Connor slipped over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

"Ah, dis'll neva do, Pat. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing, Connor went over the side again but found that the water was only up to his belly, so they rowed on.

Again Pat asked him, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out?"

Once again Connor went over the side and almost immediately said, "No dis'll neva do."

The water was still only up to his chest. So, on and on they rowed and finally Connor went over the side and disappeared altogether. Quite a bit of time went by and Pat was really getting himself into a state when suddenly Connor broke the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, Connor?"

"Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel."

=

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Everybody liked her for her sweet demeanour and endearing innocence.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her. She showed him into her modest living room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat looking at her quaint old upright Hammond organ, the young minister suddenly noticed an ordinary glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled up with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The young pastor tried to suppress his curiosity about the bowl of water and its peculiar floater, but it finally got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

'Hey, Miss Beatrice; I wonder if you would kindly tell me about this?' he said, pointing to the mysterious bowl.

'Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?' she replied. 'I was walking by the park a few months ago and I found this small packet on the ground. The directions inside said to place it on the organ and keep it moist and it would prevent the spread of diseases. And do you know what? I haven't had a trace of flu all winter!'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jim and Patricia were eighty years old and had been married for sixty years. Although they were far from rich, they did manage to get by because Jim watched their pennies.

Despite their age, they were in quite good health, largely due to Patricia's insistence on organic food, with daily exercise, for the last decade.

But their good health didn't help them when they went on holiday one day and their plane crashed, sending them up to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a running waterfall in the master bath. A maid was hanging their favourite clothes in a closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Jim asked how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter smiled, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Jim looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any course on Earth. 'Wow! And what are the fees for that?' he queried.

'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for nothing all day.'

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a sumptuous buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Jim looked round and glanced nervously at Patricia. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he enquired.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you want and you will not get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Jim

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'No. Never again. All you will do here is enjoy yourself.'

Jim glared at Patricia and said, 'You and your f****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

=

An Irish farmer named Fergus had a motor accident. In court, the lorry company's highly expensive lawyer was questioning Fergus.

'Did you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? asked the lawyer.

Fergus responded: 'Well, I'll explain to you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Mabel, safely onto the...'

'I didn't ask you for any unnecessary details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Fergus said, 'Well, I had just got Mabel safely onto the trailer and I was driving off down the road...'

The lawyer interrupted again, saying, 'Your Honour, I am just trying to establish the fact that, after the accident, this man stated to the police officer at the scene that he was fine. But now, several weeks after the accident, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him he must answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was very interested in Fergus's reply and he politely explained to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Mabel. He may speak'

Fergus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Mabel, my favourite cow, safely onto the trailer and was driving her down the road, when this huge lorry came speeding through a stop sign and hit my trailer in the side. I was thrown out into one ditch and Mabel was thrown off into another. I was hurt very badly, with a sore head and did not really feel like moving. However, I could hear poor Mabel moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by those groans.

Soon after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear poor Mabel's feeble moans and groans so he went over to see her. After looking at her and seeing her injured condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.'

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the fook would you have said?'

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
50 Fascinating Facts About The Royal Wedding

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The singer Amy Winehouse is dead =
Oh, my. Herein dies a wasted genius.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Tuff, a Scotsman, sidled into the Glasgow library and asked the prim female librarian, "Have ye got any books on suicide?" ~
After pausing a minute, the woman looked icily at him over her glasses, and said...
"Sod off ye bastard, ye'll no bring it back!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN BEST SELLING MUSIC ARTISTS

1. Elvis Presley
2. The Beatles
3. Michael Jackson
4. Frank Sinatra
5. Abba
6. Led Zeppelin
7. Nana Mouskouri
8. Queen
9. Tino Rossi
10. Julio Iglesias

=

1. The King.
2. Liverpool group.
3. Tranquilizers kill.
4. Ol' Blue Eyes.
5. Jesus! Just look at those females!
6. Metal band.
7. A Cretan in specs
8. Britain's best!
9. Ancient, I see!
10. As in: 'I am Spanish'.

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A street hooligan ~
looting the areas.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
At an auction of art in Kinloch, a wealthy German lost a case containing over £225,000 in cash.

He told the fellow bidders he'd give ~ £200 as a single reward to anyone who handed it in intact.

From the back of the large hall, a Scottish voice announced, 'I'll give £250.'

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST BRITONS OF ALL TIME
(As voted by the people of Britain)

1. Sir Winston Churchill
2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel
3. Diana, Princess of Wales
4. Charles Darwin
5. William Shakespeare.
6. Sir Isaac Newton
7. Queen Elizabeth I
8. John Lennon
9. Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson
10. Oliver Cromwell
=
1. Bullish World War II Prime Minister. Beat Nazis.
2. Skillful Victorian engineer.
3. Queen of British Hearts.
4. The Creation is Evolution!
5. He penned plays and sonnets.
6. Maths and science know-all!
7. Virgin monarch.
8. Beatle, fell to loner assassin.
9. He came to blows with Napoleon.
10. Job was 'Lord Protector'.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had all her things collected by the removal company.

On the third day, she sat down for the very last time at their beautiful teak dining-room table. She put on some soothing background music, and feasted by candlelight on a plate of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left the house.

On the fourth day, the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, and at first it was all blissful harmony.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the whole house.

The vents were thoroughly checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to fumigate the whole house, during which time the two lovers had to move out for several days. They even paid to have the expensive wool carpeting replaced. But nothing they tried worked. The house still reeked.

Suddenly, people stopped coming to call.

Repairmen refused to do any work in the house.

The maid quit.
~
In the end, they could bear the stench no longer, and decided they had to move. But a month later - even though they'd cut the price in half - they still couldn't find a buyer for such a smelly house.

Word began to spread, and in time even the local realtors refused to visit or return their calls.

Unable to wait a moment longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a vast sum of money from the bank in order to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked him how things were progressing. He told her the grim story of the stinking house. She listened quietly and replied that she was missing her old home terribly and would even be prepared to reduce her final divorce settlement in exchange for having the house she loved.

Knowing that she could have no possible idea of how disgusting this smell was, he accepted her offer and settled on a sale figure that was a tenth of what the house had initially been priced at ... but only if she signed the papers that very day.

She concurred, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched a moving company packing their possessions to send off to their new abode.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Catherine, the royal Duchess of Cambridge =
Cherish her soft beauty and melodic grace.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Antarctica

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Email On Behalf Of The Queen

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A gender transition =
An interesting road.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
On Approaching Italy

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An Arab had spent several long days wandering the desert without locating any water. In the end, things got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, quite certain that he was drawing his last breath, when suddenly he saw something shiny poking up from the sand several yards ahead.

He crawled over to the article, pulled it out of the sand, and saw that he had unearthed a Manischewitz wine bottle. And it appeared that there might even be a drop or two left in the bottle!

He unscrewed the top... and suddenly... out popped a genie! But this was no ordinary genie. Not at all. This appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat and black hat, and full side curls.

'Hello, hello! said the genie, 'Vell kiddo, you know how things vork. You got three vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you, said the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vot you got to lose? Looks to me you're a goner anyvay!'

He thought for a minute and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay then, I would like to be in a lush oasis, with lots of food and cold drinks.'

POOF!

Suddenly, the Arab found himself in the most green and lush place he'd ever seen and he was surrounded by jugs of chilled wine and platters of delicacies.

'Ok kiddo, vot's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond all my wildest dreams.'

POOF!

Suddenly he found himself surrounded by treasure chests, all filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kiddo, you got vone more vish. Better you should make this a really good vone!'

After contemplating for a moment, the Arab said, 'Ok... I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

POOF!

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

=

An old prospector shuffled into town trailing his tired old mule behind him, and made straight for the saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the hitch rail and tied the docile mule to it. As he stood there, brushing dust from his face and clothes, a young cowboy stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the old man and guffawed, "Say, old timer, have you ever danced a jig?" The old man looked up at him and said, "No, I can't say I've ever wanted to."

A crowd started to gather as the boozy cowboy grinned and said, "Aw gee, you haven't? Well, you are gonna dance a jig now," and started firing indiscriminately at the old man's feet. The prospector, not wishing to have his toes blown off piecemeal, started jumping about like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the laughing gunslinger holstered his gun and turned to go back in the saloon. With that, the prospector went to his mule, withdrew a double-barrelled shotgun out of his backpack, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried audibly in the desert air.

The crowd immediately stopped laughing. The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as he stared at the gaping holes of those twin barrels. The shotgun never wavered in the old man's grip, as he quietly said, "Boy, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but I've always wanted to."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Do not waste vital ammunition.

Avoid whiskey, as it makes you think you are smarter than you are.

Always be sure you know who possesses the power.

Do not piss off old men; they didn't reach that ripe age in life by being stupid.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association
=
"Can it stop nasal in-breathing noises?"
"I hope so, dear." :-(

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Commonly Broken Resolutions:

- Exercise
- Quit smoking
- Learn a new thing
- Eat healthier and diet
- Pay off debts
- Hang out with your family
- Travel to a new place
- Deal with stress
- Volunteer
- Drink less

=

Resolutions I Know I'll Eventually Break Next Year:

- Run marathon
- Eat tidbits
- Stay calm
- Owe less
- Longer walks
- Use discretion
- Tend the garden
- Improved health
- Own a fight-trim physique
- No coffee

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get some time off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. So, I would like you to look after the clinic and take care of all me usual patients."

"Yes sir, oi will!" answered Murphy.

The doctor went fishing next day and, on returning to the clinic the following day, enquired: "How was your day, Murphy?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one called in with a headache, so oi gave him some Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, I like it! And the second one?" asked the doctor.

"The second one had colic and oi gave him Gaviscon, so oi did sir," said Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're unusually good at this Murphy; and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.

"Well sir, oi was sittin' here quietly moindin' me own business when suddenly da door flew open and a young woman burst in, so she did, like a bolt outta the blue! She tore off her clothes, removin' everyting includin' her bra and panties and lay down on the table, spreadin' her legs and shoutin': "Help me for the love of St Patrick! For five years oi've not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did ye do?" asked the doctor.

"Oi put drops in her eyes."

=

Dermot, from Dublin, appeared on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and towards the end of the program he'd already won half a million euros.

"You have done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's host and presenter, "but, worryingly, you've only got one lifeline left - the 'Phone a Friend'. Everything's riding on this question, for a million euros. Do you want to go for it?"

"Yes," said Dermot "Oi'll have a go!"

"Okay, Dermot - which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?

"Oi'm afraid oi haven't got a clue" said Dermot, ''so oi'm gonna have to use that last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy in Dublin"

Dermot phoned his friend and told him the circumstances and repeated the question.

"Why, that's simple!" cried Paddy; "It's a cuckoo."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, I am."

Dermot hung up the phone and told Chris: "Oi'll go with cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"That it is."

There was a long pause and then the presenter screamed: "Cuckoo is the right answer! You've won a million euros!"

The next night Dermot invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Hey Paddy, just how in Heaven's name did you know that the cuckoo doesn't build his own nest?"

"Easy...! Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
These are all supposedly based on quotes from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and describe things people actually said in court (but perhaps not quite literally, as some have been altered just a bit to create this anagram!) All are on record and have now been published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Paula?'
ATTORNEY: And this upset you because...?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Pink Gucci sweats and purple Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, has it affected your memory at all?
WITNESS: It has.
ATTORNEY: Just how has this affected your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: I see. Perhaps you could give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, is it true that if a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about it until the following morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exams?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The middle son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he, please?
WITNESS: He is twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: It was.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is this true?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: And were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
~
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the wrongdoer?
WITNESS: Yes, I'd say that he was regular height, medium weight and had a rather long beard.
ATTORNEY: Was the wrongdoer male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice that we sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: Er, no; this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The living ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, right? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined Mr Tennent's body?
WITNESS: Yes, Mr Attorney, the autopsy started around 8PM
ATTORNEY: And Tennent was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give urine samples?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy... yes?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: Okay, but could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

LONG CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE HOTTEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME.
(As voted by 'Men's Health' magazine)

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Raquel Welch
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Britney Spears
5. Madonna
6. Ursula Andress
7. Bettie Page
8. Pamela Anderson
9. Jane Fonda
10. Angelina Jolie
11. Sharon Stone
12. Scarlett Johansson
13. Catherine Deneuve
14. Megan Fox
15. Jenny McCarthy
16. Christie Brinkley
17. Anna Nicole Smith
18. Shakira
19. Heather Locklear
20. Heidi Klum
=
1. Because she's worth it!
2. A caveman's moll
3. The blonde gentlemen preferred
4. A little nuts?
5. Like a virgin? Er... no
6. Left James Bond shaken and stirred
7. Oh... Huh?
8. Inane Amazon
9. aka 'Hanoi Jane'
10. "My enemy!" (Jennifer Aniston)
11. Basically horny
12. A Manhattan starlet
13. French icon
14. Comely and American
15. - ditto -
16. Joel's uptown girl
17. Late American heiress
18. Ah, sexy hips!
19. On 'T. J. Hooker'
20. 'Seal's German queen

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A Strange Wild Song

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:

THE CURRY CONTEST

(If you manage to read this story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you.)

For any of you who have lived in Natal, you'll know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off around June/July. It takes up a large portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking them for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I duly decided I would accept."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

MADHU'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....
Judge # 1 -- A little heavy on tomato, yet amusingly tangy.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Dammit, these people are crazy.

DIPALI'S PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting flavour, needs more peppers added to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- My God! Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer on seeing the distress on my face.

PADMA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent, peppery, firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, with good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call security. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back to stop me gagging; now my spine is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting decidedly pissed from all the beer.

GANDHI'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sachika, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 34-stone woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
~
BABOO'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- A meaty, strong curry. Freshly ground Cayenne peppers do bestow a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Good-to-average beef curry, could use more tomato. I must admit, the kick of the chilli makes quite a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are buzzing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The woman contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sachika saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from the pitcher. I wonder if I have burnt my lips off. It hacks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them, the jackasses.

VERISHNA'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. A good balance of spices.
Judge # 2 -- Hoorah! The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Just superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am without doubt going to shit myself if I fart and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems keen to stand behind me except that Sachika. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

SHAKALAKA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Okay, but tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am a bit worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing. I have lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is filled with rushing water. My khaki shirt is covered with curry which dribbled unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which matches my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

BHAKTI'S TOENAIL-CURLING COOKBOOK CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Ah, the perfect ending. This is a nice, enjoyable curry blend with bite. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced textbook curry. Not too mild but not too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor man; I wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.


RUDE CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
The rectal suppository for constipation
=
I post up arse
I clench
I try not to fart...
Oops! :-(

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Titanic Poem - 'The Destroyer'.

Out of the night it came, that menace of the seas,
Unmarked by sound and unobserved, its prey of souls to seize;
A pallid shape, dim in the fog, a monster, on it came.
And wallowed in the ocean path, its toll of deaths to claim.

All boasts of modern safeguards, mere affectations were;
Inventive minds it mocked and giant ships seemed dwarfs to her.
That mammoth ship, with armor plate, was but a cockle-shell,
And when its unseen hand reached out, with ease the giant fell.

And then it laughed; it closed its hand; then watched the work it wrought;
The frenzied screams of dying men, sweet music to it brought.
Unmoved it stood, with eager mien, while fifteen hundred souls
Went struggling down for evermore to rest in watery holes.

Its evil deed accomplished, it drew a conquering breath,
And all about the wreckage, a shadow cast of Death.
The mightiest of giant ships had just obeyed its nod,
And fifteen hundred souls their final voyage made to God.

=

'A Damaged Vessel' - The Unfit Leader

Into the light it came, a princess of the sea,
With silent grace it sleekly showed its might and majesty
But wait... it should not be this near! Yet nearer still it came;
The waiting rocks of Giglio prepared to stake their claim.

A crunch! resounded through the ship, the rocks tore through its side,
"Where is the captain? Find this man!" the frightened people cried.
A boss to give the signal for the lifeboats to be manned,
A stolid, steadfast man of status, someone who'd command.

A man to tell them what to do, who minded, was well versed,
Who'd activate that vital rule: 'Women and children first'!
"Where did the captain go?" demanded victims in distress;
They quizzed the crew but no one knew - all they could do was guess...

Fear and pandemonium were buffeting around,
And then that fateful shout of fear: "My God, she's going down!"
Some were doomed to be snuffed out, they'd live and laugh no more...
Meantime, Captain F. Schettino was safe and sound on shore.

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Shoot semen =
One hot mess.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
EL PASO
By
Marty Robbins

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso
I fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Night-time would find me in Rosa's cantina;
Music would play and Felina would whirl.

Blacker than night were the eyes of Felina,
Wicked and evil while casting a spell.
My love was deep for this Mexican maiden;
I was in love but in vain, I could tell.

One night a wild young cowboy came in,
Wild as the West Texas wind.
Dashing and daring,
A drink he was sharing
With wicked Felina,
The girl that I loved.

So in anger I

Challenged his right for the love of this maiden.
Down went his hand for the gun that he wore.
My challenge was answered in less than a heart-beat;
The handsome young stranger lay dead on the floor.

Just for a moment I stood there in silence,
Shocked by the foul evil deed I had done.
Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there;
I had but one chance and that was to run.

Out through the back door of Rosa's I ran,
Out where the horses were tied.
I caught a good one.
It looked like it could run.
Up on its back
And away I did ride,

Just as fast as I

Could from the West Texas town of El Paso
Out to the bad-lands of New Mexico.

Back in El Paso my life would be worthless.
Everything's gone in life; nothing is left.
It's been so long since I've seen the young maiden
My love is stronger than my fear of death.

I saddled up and away I did go,
Riding alone in the dark.
Maybe tomorrow
A bullet may find me.
Tonight nothing's worse than this
Pain in my heart.

And at last here I

Am on the hill overlooking El Paso;
I can see Rosa's cantina below.
My love is strong and it pushes me onward.
Down off the hill to Felina I go.

Off to my right I see five mounted cowboys;
Off to my left ride a dozen or more.
Shouting and shooting I can't let them catch me.
I have to make it to Rosa's back door.

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel
A deep burning pain in my side.
Though I am trying
To stay in the saddle,
I'm getting weary,
Unable to ride.

But my love for

Felina is strong and I rise where I've fallen,
Though I am weary I can't stop to rest.
I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle.
I feel the bullet go deep in my chest.

From out of nowhere Felina has found me,
Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side.
Cradled by two loving arms that I'll die for,
One little kiss and Felina,
Good-bye.

=

EL PUSO

Out in Barns Green down in Horsham, West Sussex,
I had a duel with one ornery gent,
He was the cruel, one 'n' only El Puso
I came intent on a fight to the end.

There in an inn full of hillbilly yokels,
The ale looked like gnat's pee 'n' tasted the same
I arrived early to check on the venue,
Armed, set to kill, in this 'High Noon' endgame.

All of a sudden the door opened wide,
Someone came in from the night,
It was El Puso
Arriving with gusto,
The glint in his eye
Was a knife in my heart.

So I rose from my

Chair and I challenged him: "Show what you've got man,"
Down flew his hand, moving fast as a fox,
Before I knew it he delved in his bum-bag,
Drew out, like lighting... an old Scrabble box.

Just for one moment the whole room fell silent,
All I could hear was the beat of my heart,
Many words flew through my mind as I stood there,
I chose only two and I said them: "Let's start."

Before I knew it a table was cleared,
We both got chairs and sat down,
From my bag I took
My old Scrabble Wordbook,
He snarled, "Best of one."
My reply was a frown.

Then we each chose our

Tiles from the tile-bag, set them on tile-racks,
I looked at them once and got set to attack.

He tossed a coin in the air, and I cried "Tails!"
It came down heads and he sniggered, "First blood,"
He laid his tiles and he made 'FOXED' (for forty)
All I could make with my letters was 'MUD',

As we continued the game got more mean,
Puso played out of his skin,
I was still laggin' 'n'
My brain was flaggin'
While he laid words such as
'FIZGIG' and 'DJINN'.

Then at last I

Withdrew from the tile-bag the letter I longed for,
(Suffice to say, it's the one after 'P')
This only briefly revived my ill-fortune,
I also pulled out five 'I's and a 'V'.

A crowd had gathered, I heard someone giggling,
Puso was now fifty-five points in front,
I notched sixty-four off a great double-triple,
I took the lead, and I heard Puso grunt.

He tagged an 'S' onto 'CIVIC' and made
'CIVICS' to score thirty-two,
Though I kept smilin'
Inside I was rilin',
I now held four 'I's,
Two 'O's and a 'U'.

So in anger I

Voiced my annoyance, changed my f***ing letters,
Effing 'n' blinding so uncivilly,
Then, all in a moment of insanity,
Next thing, he'd finished and beat me by three!

From out of nowhere El Puso has won it,
Funny how fortune can dive in that way
I said, "You've got me, and I have to pay," he said
"Buy me a lager," so I said,
"Okay."

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The anniversary of the Titanic disaster =
It is the centenary of this sad narrative.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A LIST OF FAMOUS LAST WORDS

1. "I am just going outside and may be some time." Captain Oates
2. "Goodnight my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow." Noel Coward
3. "You must pardon me, gentlemen, for being a most unconscionable time a-dying." Charles II
4. "It is never too late for a glass of champagne." Anton Chekhov
5. "Mother, I'm going to get my things and get out of this house. Father hates me and I'm never coming back." Marvin Gaye
6. "Aw, no one's gonna shoot at me." Lee Harvey Oswald
7. "It's all been rather lovely." John Le Mesurier
8. "The car seems OK." Ayrton Senna
9. "Leave me alone, I'm fine." Barry White
10. "Just don't leave me alone." John Belushi
11. "Love one another." George Harrison.
12. "I'm so bored with it all." Sir Winston Churchill
13. "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow." Steve Jobs
14. "Now comes the mystery." Henry Ward Beecher
15. "Go away, I'm all right." H G Wells

=

1. Hero who gave his life in Antarctica.
2. Playwright/composer orates his last monologue.
3.'The Merrie Monarch'. Jovial royal scallywag; sired a mind-boggling twelve illegitimate children. Wow!
4. Author enjoys one last bubbly.
5. "Momma, I guess I heard it through the grapevine."
6. Jack Ruby had other ideas...
7. Vague, Brit comedy-actor who was a gentleman to the last.
8. Not so. A loose steering-column seemingly let him down in San Marino motor race.
9. He gave a somewhat eggy command; then lost his first, last, and everything.
10. One lonesome Blues Brother. A major heroin overdose saw him off.
11. Beatle going to see his sweet Lord.
12. Woesome war-leader seeing no joy now, only much monotony.
13. Looks as if he may have seen a wondrous new invention in his last moments?
14. Clergyman about to meet the unknown.
15. F*** off!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Harry and Peggy met whilst on a singles cruise and Harry fell hook, line and sinker for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, he was delighted and immediately asked her out on a date when they got back home.

Within a couple of weeks, Harry had taken Peggy to dances, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. By now, he had become sure that Peggy was indeed his soul mate and every date had seemed better than the last.

On the first month's anniversary of their dinner on the cruise ship, Harry took Peggy to a high-class restaurant. While having cocktails, he said, 'I guess you can tell that I am very much in love with you, and I'd like a serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get this box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf. I watch golf. I read about golf. In short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If this is going to be a problem, you'd better say now.'

Peggy took a deep breath and responded, 'Harry, that certainly will not be a problem. I love you just as you are and I'm also mad keen on golf; but, since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that for the past five years I have been a hooker.'

'Oh, I see,' Harry replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought, then he added. 'You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'
=

DATING IN THE SIXTIES

It was a hot Saturday evening back in nineteen-sixty, and teenager Rory was off to a first date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house at seven o'clock and rang on the doorbell.

'Come on in!' invited Peggy Sue's mother as she greeted Rory. 'Take a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Orange juice? Coffee? Tea?'

'Coffee, please,' said Rory.

'So, what do you and Peggy Sue plan to do tonight; any idea?' she enquired, pouring the coffee.

'Oh, probably watch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a quiet walk on the beach too.'

'Peggy Sue likes to screw, you know,' announced Mum out of the blue.

'Really?' he gasped, eyebrows raised.

'Yes,' she said. 'When she goes out with friends, that's all they enjoy doing!'

'Wow! Is that so?' asked an incredulous Rory.

'Ooh yes!' replied Mum. 'As a matter of fact, she enjoys it so much she would probably screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thank you for the tip-off!' Rory said as he began thinking about an alternative plan for that evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture in a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her fair hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She said a shy 'Hi' to Rory.

'Ok, have fun, you two!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a very dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the...Twist!'

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
One's wild oats =
Sown to ladies!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Diamond Jubilee anniversary celebrations =
Ever a noble icon, Her Majesty's lauded in Britain!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save the Queen
Send her victorious
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us
God save the Queen
=
ANGER ON THE UNLOVED CHALLENGE

One horror so unique
Oh, I've got over-piqued
Queerest I've seen.
A plague o' U 'n' G's
A glut o' Q 'n' V's
Ever so discouraging
Sod you DB!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A guy goes into a bar. He orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Why are you drinking them so fast?"

The guy says, "Hell, man; you would be drinking fast too if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "85 cents."

=

Two rest-home seniors are chatting. The guy says, "Can you guess my age, Brenda?"

She says, "Yeah, but I've gotta feel your balls first, Frank."

With that, her hand dives down his front. She has a tug and a grab and then says, "...85."

"Darn it! How did you know that?" he asks.

"You told me yesterday."

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The complete loss of hair =
Tolls of chemotherapies.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Lake District National Park, Cumbria, England =
Scenic but damp. Take the anorak, darling; it'll rain!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy was sitting on the settee, heartily drinking wine with her husband Ron. "I adore you so much," she said, "that I... I do not know
~
how I'd carry on without you."

"Nice," snorted her husband; "and is this you or the wine talking?"

She said, "It's me talking to the wine."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
As the Queen celebrates 60 years since ascending the throne, here are 60 facts released by Buckingham Palace to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, one for each year of her rule.

1. The Queen is the second longest serving monarch after Queen Victoria who reigned for 63 years. Only six kings and queens in British history have reigned for 50 years or more

2. The Queen is the 40th monarch since William the Conqueror obtained the crown of England.

3. Since 1952 the Queen has given royal assent to more than 3,500 Acts of Parliament.

4. Over her reign the monarch has given regular audiences to 12 prime ministers:

5. Tony Blair was the first prime minister born during the Queen's reign. He was born in May 1953 - the month before the coronation.

6. The Queen has attended every opening of Parliament except those in 1959 and 1963, when she was expecting the Duke of York and the Earl of Wessex respectively.

7. There have been six archbishops of Canterbury during the Queen's reign

8. There have been six popes during the Queens reign.

9. The Queen has received two Popes on visits to the UK, John Paul II and Benedict XVI.

10. The monarch is patron of more than 600 charities and organisations, more than 400 of which she has held since 1952.

11. Since 1952, the Queen has conferred more than 404,500 honours and awards.

12. The sovereign has personally held more than 610 investitures.

13. The first investiture of the Queen's reign took place at Buckingham Palace on February 27, 1952. The first person to be presented was Private William Speakman who received the Victoria Cross for his actions during the Korean War.

14. The monarch has answered around three and a half million items of correspondence.

15. The sovereign has sent more than 175,000 telegrams to centenarians in the UK and the Commonwealth.

16. The Queen has sent almost 540,000 telegrams to couples in the UK and the Commonwealth celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary.

17. The monarch and Duke of Edinburgh have sent approximately 45,000 Christmas cards during the last sixty years.

18. The sovereign has given out approximately 90,000 Christmas puddings to staff, continuing the custom of George V and George VI.

19. During the last 60 years, the Queen has undertaken 261 official overseas visits, including 78 state visits, to 116 different countries.

20. Many of the monarch's official tours were undertaken on the Royal Yacht Britannia. It was launched by the Queen on April 16, 1953 and was commissioned for service on January 7, 1954. It was decommissioned in December 1997. During this time, Britannia has travelled more than a million miles on royal and official duties.

21. Britannia was first used by the sovereign when she embarked with Philip on May 1, 1954 at Tobruk for the final stage of their Commonwealth tour returning to the Pool of London.

22. During her reign the Queen has made many visits to her major realms - countries where she is head of state. She has visited Australia 18 times, Canada 22 times, Jamaica 6 times and New Zealand 10 times.

23. The Queen's official visits have ranged from the Cocos Islands, 5.4 square miles with a population of 596, to China, 3.7 million square miles with a population of 1.34 billion.

24. Unusual live gifts given to the monarch on foreign tours include: two tortoises presented in the Seychelles in 1972; a seven-year-old bull elephant called Jumbo from the president of Cameroon in 1972 to mark the Queen's silver wedding anniversary; and two black beavers presented after a visit to Canada.

25. The only time the sovereign has had to interrupt an overseas tour was in 1974 during a visit to Australia and Indonesia when she was called back to the UK from Australia when a general election in the UK was suddenly called. The Duke continued with the programme in Australia and the Queen rejoined the tour in Indonesia.

26. The sovereign's first Commonwealth tour as Queen began on November 24, 1953 and included visits to Canada, Bermuda, Jamaica, Panama, Fiji, Tonga, New Zealand, Australia, the Cocos Islands, Ceylon, Aden, Uganda, Libya, Malta and Gibraltar. The total distance covered was 43,618 miles.

27. The Queen made a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland in May 2011, the first visit by a British monarch since Irish independence.

28. There have been 102 inward state visits from 1952 to the end of 2011, up to and including Turkey in November 2011.

29. The first football match the Queen attended was the 1953 FA Cup Final.

30. The Queen has laid her wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday every year of her reign, except for 6 occasions when she was either pregnant or overseas on official visits.

31. The Queen has attended 56 Royal Maundy services in 43 cathedrals during her reign. A total of 6,710 people have received Maundy Money in recognition of their service to the church and their communities.

32. The monarch has been at the saluting base of her troops in every Trooping the Colour ceremony since the start of her reign, with the exception of 1955, when a national rail strike forced the cancellation of the parade.

33. The sovereign has attended 35 Royal Variety Performances.

34. The monarch has launched 21 ships during her reign.

35. Since it was launched to mark the Queen's golden jubilee in 2002, the Queen's Award for Voluntary Service has been awarded to more than 750 voluntary organisations across all four countries in the UK. Winners of the award have included scout groups, community radio stations, groups who care for the elderly and environmental charities.

36. During the past sixty years almost one and a half million people have attended garden parties at Buckingham Palace or the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

37. The Queen has sat for 129 portraits during her reign.

38. The first royal walkabout took place during the visit by the monarch and Philip to Australia and New Zealand in 1970. The practice was introduced to allow them to meet as many people as possible, not simply officials and dignitaries.

39. In 1969 the first television film about the family life of the Royal Family was made and shown on the eve of the investiture of Charles as Prince of Wales.

40. An important innovation during the Queen's reign was the opening in 1962 of a new gallery at Buckingham Palace to display items from the Royal Collection. The brainchild of the Duke, the new Queen's Gallery occupied the space of the palace's bomb-damaged private chapel. It was the first time that parts of the royal residence had been opened to the general public. The Queen's Gallery was redeveloped and reopened in 2002 for the golden jubilee.

41. The Queen has made a Christmas broadcast to the Commonwealth people every year of her reign except 1969, when a repeat of the film Royal Family was shown and a written message from the monarch issued. In 2002 the sovereign made her 50th Christmas broadcast and in 2004 she issued her first separate broadcast for members of the British armed forces.

42. In 1953, the monarch made the first Christmas broadcast from overseas, rather than from the UK, broadcasting live from New Zealand. The first televised broadcast was in 1957, made live. The first pre-recorded broadcast took place in 1960 to allow transmissions around the world. In 2006 the Christmas broadcast was first made available to download as a podcast.

43. The Queen launched the British monarchy's official website in 1997. In 2007 the official British Monarchy YouTube channel was unveiled, swiftly followed by a Twitter site (2009), Flickr page and Facebook page (both 2010).

44. The Queen hosts theme days and receptions to promote and celebrate aspects of British culture. Recent examples from 2011 include a reception for young people and the performing arts and for explorers. Other themes have included publishing, broadcasting, tourism, emergency services, maritime, music, young achievers, British design and pioneers.

45. In an average year, the monarch will host more than 50,000 people at banquets, lunches, dinners, receptions and garden parties at Buckingham Palace. The sovereign also hosts more than 8,000 people each year at garden parties and investitures at Holyroodhouse, during Holyrood Week.

46. The Queen was born at 17 Bruton Street, London, W1, on April 21, 1926, was christened on May 29, 1926 in the private chapel at Buckingham Palace and was confirmed on March 28, 1942 in the private chapel at Windsor Castle.

47. The monarch learnt to drive in 1945.

48. With the birth of Andrew in 1960, the Queen became the first reigning sovereign to have a child since Queen Victoria, who had her youngest child, Princess Beatrice, in 1857.

49. The monarch's real birthday is on April 21, but it is celebrated officially in June.

50. During the silver jubilee year, the Queen toured 36 counties in the UK and Northern Ireland, starting in Glasgow on May 17. During her golden jubilee year she toured 35 counties beginning in Cornwall on May 1.

51. The Queen's first foreign tour of the silver jubilee year was a visit to Western Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, New Zealand, Australia and Papua New Guinea. The first foreign tour of her golden jubilee year was to Jamaica, New Zealand and Australia.

52. The monarch has thirty godchildren.

53. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign, starting with Susan who was a present for her 18th birthday in 1944. A good proportion of these have been direct descendants from Susan. The Queen currently has three corgis - Monty, Willow and Holly.

54. The Queen also introduced a new breed of dog known as the dorgi when one of her corgis was mated with a dachshund named Pipkin which belonged to Princess Margaret.

55. The Queen and duke have been married for 64 years. They were married on November 20, 1947 in Westminster Abbey. The Queen's wedding dress was designed by Norman Hartnell and was woven at Winterthur Silks Limited, Dunfermline, in the Canmore factory, using silk that had come from Chinese silkworms at Lullingstone Castle.

56. The monarch's wedding ring was made from a nugget of Welsh gold which came from the Clogau St David's mine near Dolgellau. The official wedding cake was made by McVitie and Price, using ingredients given as a wedding gift by Australian Girl Guides.

57. The wedding of the Queen and Philip was the first and so far the only time in British history that the heir presumptive to the throne had been married.

58. The monarch's racing colours are a purple body with gold braid, scarlet sleeves and black velvet cap with gold fringe. They were adopted from those used by Edward VII; one of his most successful horses was called Diamond Jubilee.

59. Queen Victoria was the last, and to date the only, British monarch to celebrate a diamond jubilee. The Queen, who will be 85 on Accession Day in 2012, will be the oldest monarch to celebrate a diamond jubilee. Queen Victoria was 77 when she celebrated hers in 1897.

60. Only three heads of state have celebrated diamond jubilee reigns during the Queen's tenure. King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand celebrated 60 years on the throne in 2006; the former Sultan of Johor, now a part of Malaysia, celebrated his in 1955; and the late Emperor Hirohito of Japan marked his in 1986.

=

60 more facts you didn't know about Queen Elizabeth II. (Some true!)

1. As a child, the Queen was a proficient swimmer and in 1934, aged 8, represented Bruton Street Primary School in a London All-Schools Gala.

2. In that gala, she won her 100m breast-stroke and 150m front-crawl events but was disqualified in butterfly after pole-axing an opponent during a race, with a vicious right hook. She claimed it was an accident but was clearly heard to snarl, 'Take that, loser!' when delivering the errant punch.

3. The Queen is very fond of Prince William's vivacious wife Catherine and has said: "At least her parents are well orf, so she won't be another Fergie."

4. After watching dancing dog Pudsey win Britain's Got Talent, 2012, the Queen instructed her Royal dog trainer to teach her corgis formation line-dancing. Progress to date is reported to be slow.

5. The Queen keeps a hip flask in her handbag, but it contains nothing stronger than a malted-milk drink. Asked about his memories of meeting the monarch at a Royal Command Performance, one particular rock-star claimed, "Man, she reeked of Horlicks."

6. 116 local Councils in Britain have banned Diamond Jubilee street parties in their communities as it could offend 1229 other cultures.

7. The Queen is still embarrassed over an incident, famously captured on camera, when her giggling husband farted on the Royal balcony. She describes it as Philip's anus horribilis.

8. During her 60-year reign, The Queen has excelled, and has acted with impeccable grace and dignity, never putting a foot wrong (unlike her errant husband and most of her errant, married children).

9. A major piece of art in the Queen's Royal Collection is the iconic 'Christ and St Mary Magdalene At The Tomb', painted by Rembrandt (1606-1669). On one occasion in 1991, Her Majesty went on TV's 'Antiques Roadshow', masquerading as a Welsh clog dancer, to ascertain a valuation for the painting and was told "�25.99, but accept �21.50."

10. 'God save our Queen' is an anagram of: 'Queue over gonads.' Remarkable!

11. The Queen is a great fan of the movie 'Dirty Dancing' and she and the Duke took secret lessons for several months in order to surprise everyone by dancing the 'I've Had The Time Of My Life' routine at his 90th birthday party. Regrettably, it had to be abandoned after her husband pulled a leg muscle chasing a chambermaid up the stairs.

12. Her Majesty has her own Facebook page under the name 'Bette Balmoral'. She has 19 Facebook Friends.

13. The Queen and her husband have an ongoing secret competition between them to see who can last longest at public functions without having a wee. She is winning so far with a personal best of 481 minutes 25 seconds. The Duke does well to last 30 minutes now.

14. During her reign, the Queen's had 12 Prime Ministers. (Not 'had' them in the sexual sense of course. Come on... Winston Churchill? Would you?)

15. Some 559 civic Councils in Britain have banned flag-waving during the Jubilee celebrations in case someone gets poked in the eye or the privates.

16. The Queen's husband is worshipped as a god by the Yaohnanen tribe on the island of Tanna in Vanuatu. When the Duke was informed of this, he sent them a photo of himself. The tribe responded by sending him a traditional pig-killing club called a 'nal-nal'. The Duke in turn responded by sending them a photo of himself wielding the nal-nal while clad only in a loin-cloth.

17. The Queen loves Dixieland music and does a very impressive Louis Armstrong (1901-1971) impersonation.

18. 852 local Councils in Britain have banned cheering during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations as it is considered a noise nuisance.

19. Her Majesty has read every novel Barbara Cartland (1901-2000) ever wrote.

20. Over the years, the Queen has turned down 1000 requests from art clubs (and one from Playboy) to pose for them.

21. In private, the Queen is known as an inveterate giggler with a sharp sense of humour. When Michael Fagin famously broke into her bedroom in 1982, she was not only unfazed but proceeded to entertain him with vaudevillian Tommy Cooper (1921-1984) impressions for 2 hours until he pleaded to be arrested.

22. The Duke calls his wife by the nick-names of 'Cabbage' and 'Sausage', for reasons unknown. She in turn calls him 'Peanut' for reasons known to a select inner circle.

23. Her Majesty loves nothing more than having food fights at the banqueting table. The kitchen staff have to be given 2 days notice of her intentions in this respect as they have to make 155 extra custard pies each time.

24. The Queen's favourite hat is a vivid turquoise fascinator. It cost �1.99 in an Oxfam charity store in Gravesend.

25. The multimillionaire Queen receives 600-700 begging letters a week. 200 of them are sent by Fergie.

26. In 2003, The Queen made an unprecedented visit to Annabel's nightclub for a friend's 70th birthday party. According to a report she was heard asking a server, "Is this the corner where Harry threw up the other night?"

27. The Queen is reputed to have a soft spot for Prince Harry in particular. "He's so handsome," she once said to Charles; "just like that nice Mr James Hewitt."

28. 221 local Councils in Britain have banned consumption of alcohol at street parties for fear of rowdiness. Uniformed police officers will carry out spot-checks with breathalysers and have said they will exercise a zero-tolerance policy.

29. 'Her Majesty' is an anagram of 'Ah, my jester.' How incredible is that?

30. When Prince Philip grew a full set of whiskers for a 4-month Commonwealth tour, he was greeted on his return in February 1957 by the Queen, who was wearing a false ginger beard.

31. The Queen prefers a simple cheese sandwich to the cucumber sandwiches that are normally served at her garden parties, explaining that the latter 'give one the gripes something chronic.'

32. The Queen's 2 favourite Olympic events are Showjumping and Swimming. It is reported that she prefers to watch these activities while wearing riding boots, jodhpurs and bathing cap.

33. Her Majesty loves a tomato ketchup sandwich, much to her husband's chagrin, who complains, "I don't know why you indulge in those damned things; you end up wearing more of the sodding stuff than you eat!"

34. When the Queen acceded the throne in 1952, there were 3,000,000 vehicles on the roads in Britain. Today, there are more than 30,000,000. Of these 6,500,000 aren't in use as their owners can't afford the fuel. Another 5,500,000 are stuck in horrific traffic jams at any given time on Britain's inadequate roads.

35. In 1952, more than half the over-30s in Britain had false teeth!

36. The Queen's wealth is estimated at approximately �350,000,000, plus 150 drachma (thrown into the Royal coffers by her husband when Greece converted to the euro).

37. The Queen is a great aficionado of aeroplanes and can tell, just by its engine note, the identity of any 'plane passing over Windsor Castle, going to and from Heathrow. At such times, she will make comments such as, "My Gawd, Peanut, that Boeing 747 is fair rattling me dentures."

38. The Queen's favourite dance record is the 12" version of 'Oops Upside Your Head'. Whenever she hears the song on the radio, she will gather together as many palace staff as she can to do the rowing-action dancing with her. Sometimes, the assembled 'rowers' stretch the whole length of the East Wing corridor of Windsor Castle.

39. The Queen has about 1200 staff in the Royal Household. 142 of them are in service just to be available for 'Oops Upside Your Head' duties.

40. For many years, the satirical periodical 'Private Eye' has referred to the Queen as 'Brenda' and referred to Princess Margaret as 'Yvonne.' The reasons are unclear. The Queen is one of the few VIPs not to have sued them for libel.

41. Britain is unusual in being the only country in the world to have 2 Queens: Elizabeth II and Sir Elton John 1 (1947-).

42. In December 1981, the Queen was driving home from visiting Anne when a sudden snowstorm caused her car to be stranded. She found refuge in a local pub, where she downed 6 gin and tonics and 2 Cornish pasties during the evening, which the landlord provided gratis as she had no cash on her. She claimed afterwards to have had 'a very nice time.'

43. The monarch has seen the movie 'The Queen' 29 times and is an ardent Helen Mirren fan.

44. The Jubilee flotilla down the Thames will be 7.5 miles long and 1,125,000 people are expected to attend. If you are caught in the middle of them and needing a pee then your chances of survival are slim.

45. The Queen is a dedicated fan of TV soap 'Emmerdale' and was delighted to be invited to appear as an extra in an episode in 1991. (She is the elderly female dancing in a head-scarf to 'La Vida Loca' with Eric Pollard at a wedding reception').

46. At the age of 19, the Queen wrote a romantic novel and sent it to Mills and Boon under a pen-name: Zelda White-Robins (an anagram of Elizabeth Windsor). It was rejected because its plot about a girl marrying a Greek prince, becoming Queen and having 4 dysfunctional children was considered 'too fanciful'.

47. The Queen has an IQ of 104

48. The Council at Burnham-on-Sea in Somerset have banned the hanging of bunting from lamp-posts in case the lamp-posts fall over.

49. American anti-royalist Alex Jones (1974-) claimed on YouTube that the Royal Family have an appointed 'Groom of the Stool', a Lord employed to wipe the Royal derrieres. (Warning, the video clip is extremely offensive, vile and defamatory - view it with extreme care). This is one of several lies voiced by the vitriolic and quarrelsome Mr Jones (the practice described actually died out on the demise of King Henry VIII in 1547).

50. The monarch loves Cliff Richard (1940-) and whenever she can, will travel in secret with Camilla to see him in concert.

51. The Queen learned to drive in 1945. Her first car was a 1948 Morris Minor Traveller, which she still drives to the corner shop for her weekly cigars.

52. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign and now owns a mere 3. Latest reports say the dogs are still not mastering their line-dancing.

53. In April 2011, the corgis accidentally ate a box of Prince Philip's laxatives. The result is too horrific to describe.

54. The place the Queen was born at is now an Indian restaurant called 'Madras Dream', where Prince Harry often visits for a curry.

55. The Queen should be addressed as 'Ma'am'. She is not a 'Madam'. Remember that!

56. The Queen and Margaret harboured a secret, daredevil desire to appear in vaudeville, singing as 'Lili and Mimi '. Mad tarts!

57. The Queen is 5'4" tall (1,630mm)

58. Former Prime Minister, Edward Heath (1916-2005) was often the butt of Her Majesty's humour. On one occasion, as the music-loving Heath was boarding the Royal yacht Britannia, he was greeted by the monarch mimicking a conductor. "Are you still waving your stick around?" she asked him, poker-faced (true!)

59. When asked her favourite 3 performers of all time, the monarch replied: "Pavarotti, Caruso and Jedward."

60. On her Coronation in 1953, our monarch said: "I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughout all my life and with all my heart, I shall strive to be worthy of your trust."

She's kept her pledge in an impeccable manner.

God Save The Queen!

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I answered a knock at the front door today and found a young Jehovah's Witness standing there with a bible.

I said, "Ah, come in!"
~
Once in, he said, "I'm Danny Letts Jr.!"

"What do you wanna chat about, Dan?" I asked.

"Gosh, I don't know," he said, "I never got this far before!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The board of a very large international company, feeling it was time for a streamlining exercise, hired a new Chief Executive Officer, John Whyatt. The new boss was hell-bent on ridding the company of all its slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a young man lounging against a wall. The room was full of workers and Whyatt wanted them to realise that he meant business. So, he asked the man: “Hey, you; what is your salary, exactly?”

A little surprised, the young man replied warily: “My salary's about four hundred pounds a week. Why?”

The CEO said, “Just you wait right there, whippersnapper.”

He swaggered away to his office, came back 4-5 minutes later, gave the man sixteen-hundred pounds in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get the hell out and never come back.”

Feeling pretty pleased with himself, Whyatt looked around the room and snarled, “Right now; does anyone want to tell me just what that idle yob did here?”

From across the room, a voice replied, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

=

A female CNN journalist heard about a devout old Jewish man who'd been commuting to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long time and she decided she must seize the chance to check him out.

Next day, she went out to the Western Wall and there he was, shuffling slowly, using a walking-stick, up to the holy site.

She looked on as he prayed and after about 45 minutes, when he'd turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Stein from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinstein," he replied.

"How long have you been coming out here to pray at the Western Wall?"

"Ages! About, um... sixty years."

"Sixty years! Gee, that is amazing! And what do you pray for?"

"Me? Heck, I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to cease.

"I pray for our children to grow up safely as responsible, dignified adults, and to love their fellow man."

"Okay, and how do you feel after doing this for sixty years?"

"Like I'm talking to a frigging wall."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Never trust a dwarf who says your wife’s hair smells lovely!

*

Irish historians have discovered what they believe could be the headstone of the oldest man ever to have lived. He was 163 and called Miles from Dublin.

*

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker-drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit and a policewoman’s uniform, I have decided that she's not. She obviously can’t hold a job down!

*

What is the similarity between your first car and anal sex?
You don’t really want it, but your uncle insists.

*

I have just bought some of that 007 Viagra. It makes you want to roger more!

*

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and stopping out late." The cop replies, "Oh yeah; and who'd be giving such a lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife"

*

I was in bed with a near-sighted girl last night and she told me I had the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.
I said, 'You're pulling my leg.'

*

I have just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they are not actually a dating agency.

*

Society Sally said to the good-looking stranger, “Hey, you sure do look like my fifth husband.”
The stranger was somewhat taken aback. “Oh? How many times have you been married?” he asked.
“Four,” she replied.

*

Two blondes on a park bench. One says, “Gee, which do you think is farther away, the moon or Florida?”
“Hellooo,” replies the other, “can you see Florida?”

*

A Professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not perhaps the most appealing subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you are having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out golfing with his mates.'

*
~
I went to bed with 2 frisky Thai girls last night. It was like winning in the lottery! We had 6 matching balls…

*

A young guy saw a girl in a nightclub, and thought she was the most fragrantly beautiful female he'd ever seen, so he went up to her and said, “I may look fairly ordinary, but my father's a multi-millionaire and when he dies I'll inherit everything.”
A month later she became his step-mother.

*

A blonde goes off for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Hi!' she calls, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and yells back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

*

A blonde arrives at a gas station pushing her Jaguar and tells the mechanic it stalled. After working on it for 10 minutes, he gets it running.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'
'Huh?' she says, 'How often do I have to do that?'

*

Old Chinese proverb: Man who confuse laxative with Viagra crap in bed!

*

A state police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
'I wish you guys would get your frigging act together,' she huffs; 'just last night you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!'

*

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death!

*

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; for Love to forgive him and for Patience to tolerate his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat the irritating bastard to death.
AMEN

*

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

*

One day, Val's husband decided to have a go at washing his sweat-shirt. Just 30 seconds after going into the laundry room, he yelled to his wife, 'Hey Val, what setting do I use on this washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'

*

MAN: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?'
GOD: 'So you'd love her.'
MAN: 'But why did you make her so dumb?'
GOD: 'So she'd love you.'

LONG CATEGORY, September 2012:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
A woman goes into a fishing shop to buy a rod and reel for her son's birthday.

She doesn't know what to get, so she just picks one and goes to the counter, where a salesman is standing, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Can you tell me anything about this rod?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you what you want to know from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it down anyway.

He says, "That is a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb line. It's a good all-round combination, and it's actually on sale this week at £42.00."

She says, "Amazing! You can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Hey, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, a rogue fart slips out.

At first she is very embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would know exactly who'd farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50."

The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you say it was on sale for £42.00? How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £14.00, and the Fish Bait is £2.50."

=

Irish tourists Paddy and Murphy are walking down London's Carnaby Street when they see a notice in a shop window stating:

'Suits £15.00, shirts £2.40, trousers £2.80.'

Paddy says, "Hell, would ya just look at dat now, Murphy! We could buy lots and lots of dis English gear, and when we get back to Ireland we could offload it at a massive profit and make ourselves a feckin' fortune!"

"To be sure!" exclaims Murphy, "We could be real business typhoons so we could!"

"Ok, so here's what we'll do," says Paddy. "When we go into da shop don't say anythin' at all, just let me do all da talkin', because if the ladies and fellers there hear you babblin' away in that Irish accent they might not serve us, so oi'll talk to them in me best snobby English accent."

They both go into the shop and, in his finest English accent, Paddy says to the shop assistant, "Good afternoon, old bean. I'd like to order 50 suits at £15.00, 150 shirts at £2.40 and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.80, if you'd be kind enough to arrange that. Thank you so much."

The assistant hesitates for a moment, then says, "Er, are you Irish, sir?"

"Ah begorra... that oi am, lad!" exclaims the puzzled Paddy. "Now, how the hell did ya know that?"

"Because," says the man, "this is a dry cleaners..."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
When I was 15, I thought my parents knew nothing. When I was 20, I was amazed at how much they'd learned in 5 years.
*

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
*

A high-society couple are making love.
SHE: "Darling, do poor people do this?"
HE: "I believe so, my sugar."
SHE: "Far too good for them, don't you think?"
*

Woman talking to friend in a supermarket. "I thought I'd lost 250lb of ugly fat. Then Barney came home again."
*

"I've been asked to get married hundreds and hundreds of times," she pouted.
"By whom?"
"My mum and dad."
*

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
*

Two husbands are leaning on the bar: "Did you give your wife that lecture on economizing, like I said?"
"I certainly did."
"And what is the result?"
"I've got to give up smoking."
*

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated, but come back as a different creature. She said she'd quite like to come back as a cow. I said, "Oh, dear, you obviously haven't been listening."
*

Funny that a wife can spot a blonde hair on her husband's coat yet miss the garage doors.
*

The wife was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find any unfamiliar hairs on his jacket, she screamed, "God, Larry! Only you would cheat on me with a bald woman!"
*

GRAFFITI:
Written on a wall in a ladies' restroom: €˜My husband stalks me everywhere I go.' Written underneath it: €˜No. I don't.'

Written in a men's toilet: €˜Don't forget, no matter how good she looks, there's usually some other guy somewhere who's sick and tired of all her shit'.

Written over a mirror in a men's toilet: €˜No wonder you always go home alone.'

Written over a mirror in a ladies' toilet: €˜You're too good for him.'

Written in a ladies' toilet: 'If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it'.
~
Written over a urinal: 'Express lane - 5 beers or less'.

Written on a toilet wall: €˜I like grils.' Underneath, somebody had written, €˜You mean girls, bonehead.' Under that some wag had written, €˜So, what's the matter with us grils?'

'God is dead' - Nietzsche
'Nietzsche is dead' - God.

'Make the small things count. Teach midgets maths'.
*

A patient with a sore throat goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "I'm afraid those tonsils will have to come out."
"Hooey! I want a second opinion," huffs the man.
"Ok," says the doctor, "you're bloody ugly too."
*

"When are you going to dig the garden?" she asked.
"I'm thinking about it."
"You mean you're turning it over in your mind?"
*

"Wow! How long have you been wearing that corset, Wes?"
"Ever since my wife found it in the car."
*

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She threw the dice and landed on Science. The question was, 'If you were in a vacuum and somebody called your name, would you be able to hear them?' She thought for a moment and then said, 'Is it on or off?'
*

An Irishman went into a bakers and said, "How much are da cream cakes?"
"Two for one euro," replied the baker.
"Ah, right, and how much for one?"
"Seventy-five cents," said the baker.
"Roight € oi'll have the other one then."
*

There was a knock on my door this morning.
I opened it to find a gawky young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm Toby, a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Hi, come in Toby. Sit down!"
I offered him a coffee and said, "Ok, what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I never got this far before."
*

What does a blonde say while making love?
"Do you all play for the same team?"
*

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night. The local goofs were raucously shouting "Paedophile!" and other awful names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I am 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
*

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL (PART II)
By
Pink Floyd

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! teachers! leave them kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! teachers! leave us kids alone!
All in all you're just a another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just a another brick in the wall.

"Wrong, do it again!"
"Wrong, do it again!"
"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. how can you
Have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"
"You! yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddy!"
=

LEAVE OUR KATE ALONE
By
Her Majesty

One don't want no degradation
No camera-hounders on the prowl
No vulgar pics in a bad French mag
Stalkers, leave our Kate alone
Hey! stalker! leave our Kate alone
Bloody hell, you know she's just an innocent girl.

She don't need continual hounding
Like they did with Lady Di
Robbed of liberty and life, oh
Stalkers, leave our Kate alone
Hey! stalker! leave our Kate alone
Bloody hell, you know she's just an innocent girl.

(rap)
You did do wrong
Now, let her be
The juicy pics
God, they ain't chic
That's rude and sick
And cynical, we ain't amused
With all that clinical attitude
A timid, newly-married woman
Needs a chance, she's only human
Y'all show some dedication
Not that uncouth titillation
She ain't no Harry
Let her tarry!

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
Baloney! This vacuous American casually went on to shoot himself dead, proving to everyone that they, er... do not work?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
'If you got a tooth, you got a friend.'
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time - I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
'Two amalgam,' he'll say, 'for in there.'

How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

=

WHAT I WISH I HAD UNDERSTOOD THEN
By
Anon

Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock,
And turn back the years and take stock;
The mistakes that I made,
This time I'd evade,
Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock.

I'd skip being thirteen this time!
There were too many mountains to climb,
As those cute childhood dimples
Became boyhood pimples,
Hell, I'd skip being thirteen this time.

Oh, I wish I were eighteen again!
This time I'd shrug off all the pain
Of female rejections,
And ill-timed erections;
Yes, I wish I were eighteen again!

When I think of my twenties, oh hell!
I sure had some worrying spells,
With a wife and two daughters
And me - sole supporter,
Wish I'd known it'd all turn out well.

Then my thirties had their share of stress,
But now, on reflection, I guess
That I should have felt chilled,
And not been torment-filled,
And said to myself - "I am blessed."

Then the forties roared in from nowhere.
I blinked and - oh man! - they were there!
I should have said, "Face it,
Life's good, so embrace it,
Get a shark-tattoo, throw off your cares!"

Then came the mad fifties, oh my!
And the time's simply zooming on by,
All the plans that I had
Didn't happen; too bad,
And I never quite understood why.

Though that decade was mostly a flop,
In a possible thirteen years, top,
I'll have head-fog, no teeth,
The odd problem beneath,
Then that time clock'll probably... stop.

LONG CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
One by one, the managers of a company were called into the CEO’s office until only the newest, most junior manager was left sitting nervously outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He walked into the office to find the CEO and the twelve senior managers seated solemnly around a polished oak table.

Addressing the junior manager, the CEO asked: "Young man, have you ever slept with Miss Whittock, the company secretary?"

"What? Certainly not! "

"Are you absolutely sure?" the CEO persisted.

"Absolutely. I swear I have never laid one finger on her."

"And you would swear that on the Bible?"

"Yes, I would swear on the Bible that I have never had a sexual relationship with Miss Whittock."

"Good," nodded the CEO. "Then you can fire her."

=

The CEO of an international company was due to speak at a major convention, so he nominated Robertson, one of his junior managers, to write him a really dynamic twenty-minute oration.

Totally obsessed, the young man slaved relentlessly at his task and eventually created a dynamic, innovative speech which he thought would be well received. Yes, he felt sure his boss would really like this one!

Later, on returning from the convention, the CEO was seething.

"Why the hell did you write me a one-hour speech?" he raged. "Half the audience began to walk out long before I'd finished. What a mess!"

Robertson was baffled. "But I did write you a twenty-minute speech, sir!" he asserted.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were carrying out some construction work on scaffolding on the 50th floor of a city skyscraper.

They were just about to eat their lunch, when the Englishman suddenly muttered, "Oh, bloody hell; it's cheese and pickle! If I get sodding cheese and pickle for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried, "Arrgh! It's burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'll jump off, too."

Paddy the Irishman opened his lunch and muttered, "Begorra! It's corned beef and cabbage again. Oi tell ya, if oi get a corned beef and cabbage sandwich one more time, I'm feckin' jumpin' too."

The following day the Englishman opened his lunch, saw cheese and pickle, then wrote a suicide note and leapt straight to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch and saw the burritos and jumped too.

The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Englishman's wife was weeping copiously. She said, "Oh, my poor, poor Trevor; if I'd known how tired he really was of all that cheese and pickle, I'd never have given it to him!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "My poor Pedro, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I really didn't realize that he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman�s wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

=

A man walked into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He placed the crocodile up on the bar and, turning to the astonished patrons, he said...

"I am going make you guys an amazing offer. In a minute, I shall open this ferocious brute's jaws and I shall place my manhood inside.

"Then the crocodile will close his mouth for a count of one minute.

"Then I shall make him open his mouth again and I shall remove my unit, uninjured.

"In exchange for witnessing this genuinely mindboggling spectacle, I'd expect a payoff - I expect each of you to buy me a drink of my choice. Deal?"

The crowd cheered in agreement so, in a flash, the man climbed up on the bar, then he dropped his jeans, and inserted his credentials in the crocodile's gaping mouth. The crowd gasped as the croc began closing his huge jaws...

After a seemingly endless minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and cracked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man did indeed remove his privates injury-free, exactly as promised.

The anxious crowd now cheered with relief as the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another announcement... "Ok, I will offer anyone $50 who is willing to give this a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a nervous hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'm willing... just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle, ok?"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.

In one hand she held a rope,
The other held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty-seven years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris has not weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind, it
Could not be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer.

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, you
Would know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
And, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

=

FIFTY SHADES OF RED

Paul Simon sang there must be fifty
Ways to leave your lover;
But I can vouch there's fifty shades
Of red, that's true, oh brother!

It started when my wife barked, "Hey!
You idle piece of shite,
Get outta bed and paint this room,
And do this by tonight!"

It's not my fault I have no job
And she's the one who works,
But doing nowt exhausts the brain
And sleep's my only perk!

But one fierce glare from Brenda makes
A pitbull quake with fear,
So when she barks, "Jump... now!" I answer,
"Right ...how high, my dear?"

I peered up from the sheets and blinked,
"What colour, hon?" I said.
"Do the woodwork white," she snarled,
"The walls I want done red."

And then, when Brenda went to work,
I crashed out of the bed,
Washed, made breakfast, then went out
To get the pot of red.

In the store a helpful chap
Asked if I needed aid,
"Red paint," I answered. "Sure," he grinned,
"... But we stock fifty shades!"

"There's cherry red and claret red:
Rose-red; tomato red;
A crimson red; harsh mailbox red and..."
"Stop! Enough!" I said.

My head was spinning like a top
And my mind boggling too,
So many hues from which to choose,
Ah, just what does one do?

I cannot get this wrong and chance
Incurring Brenda's rage,
And if I do, I guarantee
I wouldn't reach old age.

"Ah, heck... I'll take the lot!" I sighed,
And loaded my car up,
Then hit the high street, sneezed, and hit
The back end of a truck.

Those fifty pots flew out, exploded,
Burst like broken eggs,
The scene was carnage, bedlam, but...
Did I paint that town red!

LONG CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The elderly couple, who had been courting a long time, finally decided that they would get married. While out making their wedding plans, they went into a pharmacy,

The old man asked the sales assistant, "Do you sell arthritis pills?"

"Yes, we do," said the assistant,

"Great! And how about heart medication?"

"We stock that too."

"Ok; anything for constipation?"

"Naturally!"

"Hmm... and denture cleaner?"

"Of course, sir."

"Ah... how about Viagra?" he winked.

"Ha, ha, and Viagra, sir!"

"And sleeping pills?"

"We keep them in bulk."

"Acid reflux tablets?"

"All makes."

"Ah, thanks, that's swell!" whooped the delighted old man, nodding to his bride-to-be. "Okay; we would like to register here for our wedding gifts!"

=

I got dancing with an older woman at a club last night.

Celia looked pretty good for a sixty-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I'd found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a little - well, a lot - we snuggled up, and she asked me if I’d ever tried a ‘Sportsman’s Double’?

“No, what is it?” I asked.

“It is a mother and daughter threesome,” she replied.

“Oh,” I said, as I began to consider the idea (while secretly wondering what this daughter of hers looked like). "No, I haven't."

We drank some more, then Celia purred that tonight was my ‘lucky night’!

I went back to her place.

We went in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs... “Mom, you still awake?”

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2013:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The best-selling novel 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' has seduced women and baffled men.
Now a clever spoof, 'Fifty Sheds Of Grey', offers a treat for the men, as author Colin Grey recalls his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some recollections...

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY:

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.

She stood there, trembling in the shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
So we went to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I grunted with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
She's still managing to get into that shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Hmm, kinky," she purred.
"Well," I rasped, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she purred, biting her lip. "I need punishing."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the bench tightly. "Harder!"
"Right," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back spent, gazing happily out the shed window.
Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, the rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
"I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... and she showed me the till-receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I snarled. "You've got fat ankles and rotten dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I said. "Only, when I'm done, you'll be unable to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer as only a proper man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

=

THOSE WONDERFUL CHURCH BULLETINS!

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) really appeared in bulletins or were announced during services:


The Fasting and Prayer session on Sunday includes meals.

Ladies, do not forget Tuesday's rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Katharine Sharkey sang 'I will not pass this way again,' thus giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Tuesday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Geoffrey Eddison and Hazel Baker-Maddox got married last Friday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The theme of the evening sermon tonight will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are urgently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The boy scouts are seeking aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Potluck supper Sunday at five PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This weekend there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and a flask and be prepared to sin.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Monday at seven-fifteen PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement this Friday at seven PM. The congregation is duly invited to attend this tragedy.

The Weight Watchers meeting is Saturday at eight PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors by the side entrance.

Keith Swaffham, the Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
SUPER TROUPER
By
Abba

Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
Like I always do
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

I was sick and tired of everything
When I called you last night from Glasgow
All I do is eat and sleep and sing
Wishing every show was the last show
(Wishing every show was the last show)
So imagine I was glad to hear you're coming
(Glad to hear you're coming)
Suddenly I feel all right
(And suddenly it's gonna be)
And it's gonna be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I'm thinking about you only
(Still I'm thinking about you only)
There are moments when I think I'm going crazy
(Think I'm going crazy)
But it's gonna be alright
(You'll soon be changing everything)
Everything will be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

So I'll be there when you arrive
The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive
And when you take me in your arms
And hold me tight
I know it's gonna mean so much tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

[repeat and fade]
=

HORSY POSSESSION
By
Bob Beefburger

Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
Like you used to do,
I feel such kinship with you.

I was feeling strange as anything,
When I called you last night from Tesco,
I hope you'll forgive the whinnying,
I keep doing it, why I don't know,
(Doing it why I don't know)
I've been having these dreams where I'm running,
(Well, it's really more a gallop)
In some event at Fontwell Park,
(Or Plumpton or Brighton?)
Lots of people cheering then I
Wake up puffing in the dark.

They're off...!
It's Red Rum, Phar Lap speeding down the home run,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Guess I feel kinship with you.
See them go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Top gee-gees, top gee-gees)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

Don't know why I'm chomping at the bit,
Guess it's something I ate for supper?
Filling up on burgers, buns and chips,
With the usual evening cuppa,
(The usual evening cuppa)
Usually I'm really very lazy
(He's really flipping lazy)
Now I'm skittish as a colt,
(You ought to see him prancing)
But since those Tesco burgers
I'd beat even Usain Bolt!

I see them...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap sweeping down the home run,
Super, sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I such feel kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere super-fast as me!

I'm going now, for I can't wait,
I've got this ever so important morning date,
I've got to be in Epsom Downs
By five-to-eight,
I'm running the first race, so can't be late!

I see you...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red-Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I feel a kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

[Keep up, people, 'cause I'm galloping!]

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Five Most Recent Presidents of the USA

1. Ronald Reagan
2. George Bush Snr
3. William Clinton
4. George Bush Jr
5. Barack Obama
=
1. A former B-movie actor.
2. GWB's father
3. Just one stain sin shortened his career
4. English-language mangler
5. Proud to be black

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE 12 LABOURS OF HERCULES

1. Slay the Nemean Lion.
2. Slay the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra.
3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis.
4. Capture the Erymanthian Boar.
5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day.
6. Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
7. Capture the Cretan Bull.
8. Steal the Mares of Diomedes.
9. Obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons.
10. Obtain the cattle of the monster Geryon.
11. Steal the apples of the Hesperides (He had the help of Atlas to pick them after Hercules had slain Ladon).
12. Capture and bring back Cerberus.

=

THE 12 MEANS HE EMPLOYED

1. Clubbing, then strangulation required.
2. Multiple decapitations.
3. He chased that deer for a year...
4. ... then pursued a pig.
5. Ugh! Up to his neck in horseshit.
6. Skill at archery slays feathered opponents.
7. He near throttled it to death.
8. He fed horses human flesh to placate them before capture.
9. He battled many feral female assailants to bag a babe's belt!
10. He ran across the Libyan desert and he finally got 'em in Erytheia.
11. Unable to cope alone, so pal lent a hand.
12. He snatched a crazy canine from Hell.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
By
Paul Simon

"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooh slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
=

50 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR LOVER
(Do Not Go Gentle)
By
I. O. Bey

"Your problems mostly lie beneath the duvet," she told me;
"I wrote a book and it explains a thing or three,
The bed's a place of folly, pain and joy, and so you see
You must have fifty ways to please your lover."

She said, "Hey, I don't want to be discourteous or rude,
But I hear say your prowess in the boudoir is, well... crude,
So if you're lying, in confusion, in the nude,
You've got those fifty ways to please your lover
Yes, fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac
Tie up her feet, Pete,
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as rough as you like, Mike
Slap her backside Clyde
But don't set her free.

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
Just don't let her free.

She said coyly, "Every woman loves her pleasure with a sting,
Now, all that lovey-dovey nonsense just don't mean a thing,
But lying, cruelly locked in shackles sure gives you a zing
In joyous ways."

She urged, "Go buy my book and you'll find out about it all,
Wow, it's joyful being cuffed up to a cellar wall!"
So I groaned softly, "Yes I'm willing and I'm cool
To try one of fifty ways to please your lover.
Fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up her feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed Ned,
Just don't set her free.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Whack her backside, Clyde
Just don't let her free.

Jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Just listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as tough as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
But don't set her free.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Stonehenge', the World Heritage Site at Salisbury =
Truly eerie, as in: 'How'd those giant slabs get there?'

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2013:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
I AM THE WALRUS
By
John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I'm crying.

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Mister city policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row.
See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run.
I'm crying, I'm crying.
I'm crying, I'm crying.

Yellow mother custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.
If the sun don't come, you get a tan
From standing in the English rain.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob.

Expert textpert choking smokers,
Don't you think the joker laughs at you?
See how they smile like pigs in a sty,
See how they snied.
I'm crying.

Semolina pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower.
Elementary penguin singing Hari Krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe.
I am the eggman, They are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob.
Goo goo g'joob goo

=

I AM ALMIGHTY
By
Kim Jong-un (The Other Supreme Deity)

I am he, a deity, I'm almighty, yes I am Kim-Jong un,
See people cower at my great power, fall to their knees,
They'd die for me.

Flying on a high cloud, peering at the Earth below,
Great Supreme Commander of the People's Army,
Youngest person to become a Head of State,
I am the Great One, they are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong!

My sweet North Korea,
You'll be one mighty superpower!
People in the US, and the UK too, are busy running scared,
I'm Godlike, I'm mighty.
So rightly, so rightly.

We are going nuclear, there is nothing you can do,
You dogs in South Korea, are cringing in big fear,
Knowing you will soon succumb to our heroic men.
I am the Great One, you are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong!

Crouching in an English garden waiting for the bang!
When my rockets come you Brits will feel the scorching pain of acid rain;
I am the Great One, you are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go, g'Jong, go go g'Jong!

Huge, X-factor chain reactors,
Bubbling nuclear poison underground,
See how they vie to rise into the sky,
Soon they will fly,
They'll fly.

People say I'm chubby, but they don't say it to my face,
I know I am sexy, any girl would let me
Share a night of passion, coupling in a hotel bed.
I am the Great One, they are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong, I'm so very strong, go g'Jong, I am an icon! go go g'Jong, yes, I wrote this song!
Go go g'Jong!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"SEXY AND I KNOW IT"
by
Lmfao

Yeah, yeah
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah
This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control,
It's Redfoo with the big afro
And like Bruce Leroy I got the glow.

Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out

When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

I'm sexy and I know it

Yeah
When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off
And when I'm at the beach, I'm in a Speedo trying to tan my cheeks (what)
This is how I roll, come on ladies it's time to go
We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous
No shoes, no shirt, and I still get serviced (watch)

Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl look at that body
I work out

When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

I'm sexy and I know it

I'm sexy and I know it...

Check it out
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah, yeah
Do the wiggle man
I do the wiggle man
Yeah
I'm sexy and I know it

Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out

Yeah I'm sexy and I know it!
=

"I'M SIXTY AND I KNOW IT"
by
Shaky Dave

Why?
When I walk down a bus on wobbly feet, middle-aged ladies offer their seats,
Ha! Brainless females, can't they see that in my head I am twenty-three?
Ay, this is me, I still got swagger, ten years younger than Mick Jagger!
No wavy hair on my bald head
But, wow! my pencil's full of lead.

Ooh, ah, move that body
Ooh, ah, work it out
Ooh, ah, what's that twinge?
Ooh, ah, bloody gout.

When I look in a mirror what do I see?
Hey, it's ol' grandad looking at me!
But I got passion, boy I know it,
A pity the face and body don't show it, show it, they won't show it.

I'm sixty and I know it!

Yeah!
When I'm at airport security checks,
I stow my phone in my pants (so risky
But at least the security girls will frisk me!)
I don't worry, I don't mind it, I take my pleasure where I find it,
This is how I roll, it's how I trip,
(Bloody arthritis in both hips!)

Ooh, ah, work that body,
Ooh, ah, work that brain,
Ooh, ah, what is that twinge?
Ooh, ah, what is that pain?

I go to bed at nine, wake at ten, go pee,
I go at half-past twelve, I go again at three,
Wiggle to the loo, shake it, pull the chain,
Wiggle to the loo, shake it, back again.

I'm sixty and I know it,

I'm sixty and I know it...

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle... ooh...
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle... ah...
Do that wiggle,
Shake that thing,
Yeah...
I'm sixty and I know it.

Hey y'all !
Look at my knees,
Look like knots
In a gnarled oak tree,
'Cos...

I'm sixty and I know it.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man, a pig and a dog were the only survivors of a bad shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island where they soon developed a routine of sitting on the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

On one particular evening, the sky was red, with white, wispy clouds and a balmy breeze. It was the perfect night for romance. As the three of them sat there, the pig began to look increasingly desirable to the man. After a while, he leaned over and quietly put his arm around the animal. The dog was instantly jealous and growled menacingly, so the man hastily removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the trio continued to enjoy their sunsets regularly but with no more cuddling.

Two months later, there was another shipwreck in the area and the only survivor was the most beautiful young woman the man had ever seen. She was in quite a bad way when she was washed up on their island, but he lovingly nursed her back to health until, one day, she was able to join the trio on the beach for their sunset ritual.

It was another beautiful night - a fiery red sky, wispy clouds, and balmy breeze; a night just made for romance.

After a while, the man felt his ardour starting to rekindle. He fought it for as long as he could but finally he could contain himself no longer. So he leaned over to the beautiful young woman and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

=

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Quick!" she shouted at the lover. "Grab all your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's come home early!"

The man looked out the window in alarm and protested: "That's insane! I can't jump out there! It's raining like crazy and I am naked!"

"I don't care about that," ranted the now paranoid woman; "If my husband catches you here, I guarantee he'll skin the pair of us alive!"

Still protesting, the lover reluctantly grabbed his clothes, went over to the bedroom window and leapt out...

He landed on the street below and, to his amazement, found himself in the middle of a group of marathon runners. Hoping to blend in with them, despite being naked, he started jogging along, carrying his clothes over one arm.

"Hello," greeted one of the runners, "no offence, but do you always run in the buff?"

Thinking on his feet, the lover replied breathlessly: "Yes; I always feel so free having all that fresh air wafting against my skin when I jog."

"I see... but, do you usually run with clothes over your arm?" queried the athlete.

"Yes, always," panted the lover. "That means I can get dressed after the race, go to my car, and get straight home without needing to have a shower first."

"I guess that's true," the athlete frowned, "but do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE SEVEN CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD

1. Africa
2. Europe
3. Asia
4. North America
5. South America
6. Antarctica
7. Australia
=
1. Oh man, I'm hot!
2. A pariah
3. A future threat?
4. USA, Canada et al
5. Latin races
6. Interior of ice
7. Ancestors were convicts

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Report: “UFOs came ~
from outer space!”

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Walt Disney's animated motion picture 'The Lion King' =
Mildly cute songs, with an opinionated meerkat in it!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Development you predicted in Kassner case has come unexpectedly. Please return immediately
=
Am a lone maid on Orient Express. Red-eyed, Can't sleep.

Cheer me up, detective?

Lusty Lucy

PS: I'm naked

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, had stood facing each other in the park.

Then one day, an angel descended from heaven and announced to them: "You've been such exemplary statues that I propose to give you a special gift. So..." he added, "I shall bring you to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want to."

Then, with a clap of his hands, the angel brought them to life.

The two statues approached each other in a shy-looking manner at first, and then made a quick dash for the bushes, from which there came a good deal of giggling and chuckling and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues reappeared from the bushes, each with wide grins across their faces.

"You still have fifteen minutes more," the angel reported, winking at them conspiratorially.

With an even wider grin, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Quick! Let's do it once more then!

Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

=

A Scots Guardsman attired in full dress uniform went marching into a chemist's shop.

At the counter, he lifted his sporran, eased out a neatly folded cotton bandana and carefully unfolded it to reveal a small, square silk handkerchief, which he unwrapped to reveal a saggy condom with a number of patches on it.

"Good grief," said the chemist, gingerly eyeing the grotesque item.

"I'll not haggle wi' ye," said the man; "how much ta repair it?"

"Fifteen pence," replied the chemist.

"How much ta buy a new one?"

"Twenty-one pence."

The Scotsman painstakingly refolded the condom into the silk handkerchief and the cotton bandana, put it safely under his sporran then turned and, looking stiffly ahead, marched out the exit.

After a minute, the chemist heard a huge shout of "Och aye!" go up outside, followed by a riotous, even bigger shout of "Yahoo!"

The door opened and the Scotsman strode into the shop again, this time with a huge grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he said...
"We'll have a new one."

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I can eliminate halitosis with pure, strong ~
Listerine Original Antiseptic Mouthwash!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"If you’ve been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease,
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace."
=
This quirky stanza
May yield a bonanza
Or the wry consequence
Could be just two pence
I've dug for a week
That gold set to seek
But I haven't a f****** clue!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
One evening, after a night at the theatre, two gentlemen were strolling down the street when they observed a well-dressed and attractive young lady walking in front of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I would happily pay $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a smart appearance and pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady back to her apartment.

The following morning, as he was preparing to leave, the man handed her $125. The lady asked for the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give it to me, I'm prepared to sue you for it."

He laughed and challenged her: "Oh, I'd like to see you succeed on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He sped off to his lawyer and reported the full details of the case to him.

The lawyer said, "She can't possibly get judgement against you on such improbable grounds, but it'll be interesting to see just how her case will be presented."

The man duly appeared in court and the lady's lawyer delivered his preliminary address to the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by quite a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.

"The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not unduly high, since it's restricted property, and we request that judgement be granted against the defendant to obtain full payment of the balance."
~
The defendant's lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the unusual way his esteemed opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence would need to be rather different from the way he was originally aiming to present it. But he rose to the occasion.

"Your Honour," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a desirable piece of property, and that he did rent such property for a time and, in fairness, a good degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client located a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being carried out personally by him. We suggest these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid sum, and that the plaintiff was generously compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore ask that judgement not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did indeed find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the said property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him too. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the surrounding shrubbery, thus disarranging it, but he left the hole looking significantly larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property less desirable to others. We therefore ask, again, that judgement be granted for the agreed original sum of $250."

In his assessment and ruling, the Judge provided for two options: "A) Choose to pay the plaintiff the $125 balance you owe, or: B) Have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Prenuptial contracts =
I can plot partner's cut

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2013:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Global Positioning Systems =
Smooth going by satellite’s spin

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A woman asked her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declined. "Thanks for the offer, but I am really not hungry right now. It's that darned Viagra," he said. "It has taken the edge off my appetite."

Three hours later she asked if he wanted anything to eat or drink for elevenses and she got the same reply.

At lunchtime, she enquired if he would like to have something now? "How about a bowl of soup with hot, buttered muffins or perhaps a toasted cheese and ham sandwich?"

He declined, and informed her: "It's that Viagra, it has really dulled my need for food."

Dinnertime came, and she asked if he wanted anything to eat now. "Wouldn't you like a nice, juicy rib eye steak and a scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or a tasty stir fry?"

He declined again. “No," he said, "it must be the Viagra that's responsible; I'm still not at all hungry."

"Well," she said, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!"

=

After thirty years of being stuck in a joyless marriage, a husband and wife came to see a marriage counsellor.

When he asked what the problem was, the wife just cut in and went off into an acidic tirade, reciting every domestic problem she'd ever had in the time they'd been married: Piggish behaviour; lack of intimacy, emptiness, isolation, feeling unloved and unlovable - a sad list, in fact, of all the emotional neglect she'd endured over the years.

After allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the office-desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her long and passionately as the husband looked on meekly.

The woman immediately shut up and sat down as though in a dream. Turning to the husband, the therapist said, "Okay, this is what your wife requires a good three times a week. Could you manage it?"

"Oh..." replied the husband, "Well, I'm okay to drop her off here Mondays and Thursdays, but I play golf on the other days."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE STORIES OF TWO BRAVE MEN.

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic; far from it. He was notorious for entangling the city in everything from bootleg liquor and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for one reason - he was rather good! In fact, Eddie's unique skill at legal manoeuvring kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him extremely well. Not only was the amount of money enormous, but Eddie got preferential 'perks' also. For instance, he and his family had a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the modern conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire city block.

He lived the high-life of the mobsters and gave scant consideration to all the evils that went on around him.

The affluent lawyer did have one soft spot, though. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie made sure that his son had smart clothes, an automobile, and a superior education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, in spite of his attachment to organised crime, Eddie tried to teach him right from wrong. He wanted his son to be a far better man than he was. But, in spite of all his wealth and influence, there were two things that the corrupt lawyer couldn't give his son: he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Eddie made a difficult decision. He wanted to put right all the wrongs he had done.

He decided he'd go to the authorities and tell the truth about Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. In doing this, he knew he'd have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the resultant cost would be terrible. But he testified.

Within the year, Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lone Chicago street. But, in his death, he had bequeathed his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price that a man could pay. The cops removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem that he had snipped from a magazine. The poem read:

"The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop,
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
So live, love, toil with a will,
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still."

=

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes.
One such man was Lieutenant Commander Edward 'Butch' O'Hare.

Butch was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day, he and his squadron were sent out on a mission. While he was in mid-air, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to fill the tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete the mission and get back to his ship.

His senior flight leader told him to return to the carrier, so he reluctantly obeyed, dropped out of the formation and headed gloomily back to the fleet.

On his way to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold... a squadron of Japanese aircraft was heading toward the American fleet!

His fellow fighters were away on a sortie, leaving the fleet defenseless.

He could not reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Neither could he warn the fleet of the approaching aerial danger. So he decided there was only one thing to do. He'd got to somehow divert them...

Ignoring his personal safety, he accelerated and dived into the formation of Japanese planes.

Wing-mounted machine-guns blazed as he charged in, boldly attacking one enemy plane after another.

Butch wove elusively in and out of the now broken formation, firing at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dived at the planes, trying to clip a wing or a tail in hopes of damaging as many as possible, leaving them unfit to fly.

Finally the exasperated Japanese planes took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his plane limped back to the ship.

Upon landing, he related the whole event. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale too. It showed the extent of Butch's attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

For this action, Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WWII, the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honour.

EPILOGUE.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat, aged only twenty-nine.

His home town could not allow the memory of this WWII hero to die and today O'Hare Airport in Chicago is so titled in dedication to the courage of this good man.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE IN COMMON?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An eighty-nine year old man =
Ah, no... I'm aged nearly ninety!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The cast of Monty Python
1. John Marwood Cleese
2. Eric Idle
3. Terence Graham Jones
4. Michael Edward Palin
5. Terence Vance Gilliam
=
1. Dejected divorcee
2. Wrote Spamalot
3. Jolly Welsh actor, penman
4. English comedy-actor; fine lineage
5. Their American henchman

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

"Oh, shoot; they warned me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a twenty-minute power-nap like they all raved about at the last management course you sent me on."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper bottle."

"I was not sleeping; no siree. I was merely meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for dribble resistance.

"Actually I am doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory business seminar you sent me on, sir.

"I was merely doing a specific yoga-concentration exercise to relieve work-related stress."

"Darn! Why'd you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine's broken..."

"Ok... there's been a terrible error. Someone seems to have put the decaf coffee in the wrong pot."

"Oh man, that cold-cure medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic."

"No, I was not sleeping; I was only trying to pick up a contact lens with no hands."

And the very best thing to say if you are ever caught sleeping at your desk: - "Amen"
=

REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE PERMITTED IN THE OFFICE.

It is an incentive to show up.

It reduces anxiety and stress.

It minimises unhappy complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can be at work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the wintertime.

It encourages carpooling.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes the cafeteria's food taste that much better.

Bosses are much more likely to hand out pay rises if they're wasted.

Salary negotiations are much more profitable.

Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing and there is no piqued tut-tutting, only giggling.

Employees work later since there is no longer the need to relax in a bar.

It is highly uplifting and just makes everyone more happy and open with their ideas.

Everyone agrees that work is better after they have had a couple of drinks.

It'd eliminate the need for staff to get squiffy in their lunch break.

It increases the odds of seeing your boss naked.

The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

Employees don't need to sober up on coffee.

Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be viewed as "gross."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
GUNGA DIN
By
Rudyard Kipling

You may talk o' gin and beer
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it;
But when it comes to slaughter
You will do your work on water,
An' you'll lick the bloomin' boots of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen,
Of all them blackfaced crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.
He was "Din! Din! Din!
"You limpin' lump o' brick-dust, Gunga Din!
"Hi! Slippy hitherao!
"Water, get it! Panee lao
"You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din."

The uniform 'e wore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
For a piece o' twisty rag
An' a goatskin water-bag
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the sweatin' troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows crawl,
We shouted " Harry By!"
Till our throats were bricky-dry,
Then we wopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't serve us all.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"You 'eathen, where the mischief 'ave you been?
"You put some juldee in it
"Or I'll marrow you this minute
"If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"

'E would dot an' carry one
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or broke or cut,
You could bet your bloomin' nut,
'E'd be waitin' fifty paces right flank rear.
With 'is mussick' on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Retire,"
An' for all 'is dirty 'ide
'E was white, clear white, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
It was "Din! Din! Din!"
With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green
When the cartridges ran out,
You could hear the front-ranks shout,
"Hi! ammunition-mules an' Gunga Din!"

I sha'n't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-plate should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he plugged me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 'arf-a-pint o' water green.
It was crawlin' and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"'Ere's a beggar with a bullet through 'is spleen"
"'E's chawin' up the ground,
"An' 'e's kickin' all around:
"For Gawd's sake git the water, Gunga Din!

'E carried me away
To where a dooli lay,
An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink" sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone
Where it's always double drill and no canteen.
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
Yes, Din! Din! Din!
You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

=

THE GUNGA DIN CURRY HOUSE

In a street down Wapping way
There's a greasy spoon cafe
And a shop that smells of cat's pee and pot-pourri,
An' a gaudy bistro bar,
But most popular by far,
Is the one 'n' only Gunga Din Tandoori.
It's the local restaurant
Of the Wapping bon vivants,
And fancy folk who want food 'ot 'n' spicy,
But the biggest Gunga fan
Is me best pal, 'Hungry' Dan,
Who'd eat as much grub there as 'e could cram in.
'E'd tweet: "I love the Din!
"The curry's pukka at the Gunga Din!
"Every meal's a winner,
"It's why I eat me dinner,
"Lunch and brekky right 'ere at the Gunga Din!"

Me, I don't like Indian fare
The curry curls me 'air!
I need cuisine to be a little weaker,
Like bully beef or walnut whips,
An' deep-fried cod 'n' chips,
No, I wouldn't know a tarka from a tikka.
And would you kindly tell me,
Where's the fun in 'Delhi belly'?
And in gobbling muck that turns yer entrails raw?
I got better things to do
Than spend all day in the loo,
I prefer to slit me wrists or go to war!
I truly wouldn't win,
Dinin' at the Gunga Din,
Unlike Dan who, if 'e could, would move right in!

One July, when I went by,
From the corner of me eye,
Through the tinted window of the Gunga Din,
I saw diners eating dishes
That looked downright suspicious,
And a pretty Indian waitress, young and slim,
With shiny, long black 'air,
An' a sari... well I swear,
I fell deep in love with 'er there on the spot!
Me 'eart urged, "Go in and see 'er!"
While me 'ead yelled, "Yes I concur,"
But me stomach begged, "Don't order nothin' hot!"
So I duly blundered in
To the deep recesses of the Gunga Din...
With a smile as bright as sun
She said, "Hi! Table for one?"
I saw Dan and quickly said, "No... I'm with 'im!"
When I went to Hungry Dan,
'E jeered, "Hey; you ain't a fan
Of curry, 'fact you hate it, bro!" 'e grinned.

"Yeah, I know," I said,
"But me 'eart 'as ruled me 'ead,
"And I got the 'ots for that girl in the sari!"
'E laughed, "Well, join the queue!
"Cause it ain't only you;
"I want 'er badly too - 'er name is Kari;
"Aw, I'm nuts about 'er, man,
"I'm 'er numero uno fan;
"Why'd you think I bleedin eat 'ere every day!"
I grunted, "Well, I'm 'ere
"So I gotta buy a beer."
Then I quizzed 'im on what 'e thought I could eat.
"Well," 'e grinned, "don't worry,
"I know a mild but truly unique curry;
"You must try a vindaloo,
"The mutton one'll do,
"Kari's coming, make yer mind up - go on, 'urry!"

Well, the food resembled gruel
With a touch o' nuclear fuel,
But it tasted what uranium would taste like,
I gurgled, glugged and coughed
While Dan laughed 'is 'ead off.
Me windpipe felt like it was set alight,
Me nose was runnin', weepin'
Dan was laughing, leapin',
'E said, "I ain't 'ad so much fun in just one night.
And there was I, poor soul,
Belly filled with red-'ot coals,
And the bleedin' diners laughin' at me plight
But Kari saw me strife
And gi' me the kiss of life,
Double-quick; whew! Made me high! I turned to goo.
And I'll tell you what ensued:
The best man won... now Kari is me wife!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE THINGS MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME.

My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, can you do it outside... I've just finished cleaning."

My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You'd just better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"I warn you; if you don't stop and sort yourself out, I am going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Why? Because I said so, that's why."

My Parents taught me even MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and end up breaking your neck, you're not coming to the store with me."

My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll stay there until all your spinach is gone."

My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"Oh, my; this room of yours looks as if a tornado just went through it."

My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Do not exaggerate!"

My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

=

My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

My Parents taught me to exercise BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Parents taught me all about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have extra-special parents like you do."

My Parents taught me ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait till we get home."

My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"Oh, you are so going to get it when we get home!"

My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way, so look out!"

My Parents taught me ESP.
"Come on, stop messing about and put that sweater on; I know you're cold!"

My Parents taught me HUMOUR.
"If that lawn mower cuts off all of your toes, don't come running to me."

My Parents taught me all about GENETICS.
"Ha! You are just like your fool of a father."

My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut the door after you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Parents taught me about WISDOM.
"When you come to be my age, you'll understand."

And my special favourite:

My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2013:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The recreational 'date-rape' sedative drug Rohypnol =
Helped a predatory rat to seduce another naive girl.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The passing of Nelson Mandela =
As one man's long life path ends.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
By
Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE NEW YEAR
The Ballad of Hannah and Leigh

'Twas the night before New Year, when Hannah and Leigh,
Had sat, as the clock chimed, to watch the TV,
Now, in silence, they gazed at the blank TV screen,
He drank his Bass beer and she sipped Irish Cream.

"Another year over," she sighed, "glad it's done;
"'Twas all rather hellish, it hasn't been fun,
"Truth be told, it was horrid the whole time, of course,
"For you just played golf while I worked like a horse.

"You do nowt to help and sod-all to inspire me,
"I don't get affection, like my sister Ivy,
"Her Welsh husband, Dafydd, treats her like a queen,
"All I get's: 'Where's me best shirt? Hell... is it clean?'"

"Now hold hard a second!" Leigh said to his wife,
"Strewth, Hannah, you haven't had that bad a life!
"I'll list all the kind, helpful things that I do,
"And tell me if one single word isn't true:

"Heck, I know I don't work, and finances are stiff,
"So you graft at McDonalds on thirteen-hour shifts.
"When I get home from golf, you're not back from work,
"And though I'm half-famished, I don't act the jerk

"When you beg to rest for a while before cookin'
"I spare time to comment on how bad you're lookin',
"And I nod: 'Hell, then take that well-earned rest, hon.,
"'And I'll take a nap, wake me up when it's done.'

"You don't wash the dishes right after the supper,
"Though a wife's supposed to be chief washer-upper,
"So I whisper: 'I know you're jaded, but hell,
"'Those dishes aren't just gonna wash up themselves.

"And when you complain to me constantly how
"You can't do all the shopping in one lunch hour,
"I take that on the chin and'll helpfully say:
"'Don't fret so, Hannah - stretch it over two days!'

"And, ok, I know that you get up at dawn,
"Which is why you're so dog-tired when mowin' the lawn,
"So I'll smile, 'Ok, stop for a second or two,
"'And you might as well get me a beer when you do.'

"I know that most agein' women like whinin',
"And I'd noticed how slapdash you'd got with the ironin',
"And I want to confess that I do realise,
"Women's hormones are hell, and I empathise.

"Hell, I've tried to keep cheerful and not criticise,
"And not be so harsh when I mention 'the thighs',
"A woman gets stroppy when she's overweight,"
"But I cope with this well. Hmm - I must be a saint!"

***

Leigh died with a split rectum that New Years Day
Up his back-end a golf club was thrust all the way,
'Twas a Calloway extra-long fifty-inch rammer,
And right next to this was a bloodied sledgehammer.

When Hannah was charged with the death of her mate,
The all-woman jury decided her fate
In three seconds, the verdict: "Not guilty, m'lud,
"The deceased sat, by accident, on his golf club!"

Now Hannah's a widow and she's rich as hell,
The insurance on Leigh's life had paid her damn well!
She has shoppers and chefs; she wears silk pajamas,
And this New Year's Eve she'll be in the Bahamas!

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones =
The aged men still sing rock jargon.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE BOXER
By
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station running scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

(Lie la lie ... )

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

(Lie la lie ... )

And I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me
Bleeding me, going home

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

(Lie la lie ...)
=

THE GREATEST
Muhammad Ali
(An American Superstar)

I'm the former fighter,
Cassius Marcellus Clay,
I was raised, with one kid brother,
By ma 'n' pa in Louisville, Kentucky, USA,
I always knew
I'd emerge the greatest at whatever
Thing I chose to do.

When some cop suggested boxing to me,
I was no more than a boy,
I'd just had my cycle stolen
And I swore, "Oh, man, I'll get that jerk
Then whup his sorry ass!"
Smiling, he said: "To fight them, to be equal,
You first have to learn the game,
It's a noble art and boxing is its name."

(La-la learn...)

I won Olympic gold when I
Was just eighteen years old,
Hell, I was special,
Even then I knew I'd go on to be champion of the world,
I do confess, I was eloquent 'n' arrogant,
Yet, man, I was damn good!

(Hoo-ra rah...)

When I fought champ Sonny Liston, folk
All snorted: "He'll get killed!"
They were wrong,
Groggy, hurt 'n' bleeding he surrendered on his stool,
I'm still here. Liston's gone.

Now I feel feeble, I feel frail,
I have Parkinson's they say,
It's a lingering reminder
Of every glove that jarred my head
Into that queer 'half-dream room',
No clear memories remain,
No memories of men I fought,
Before it wrecked my brain.

(Young no more...)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An American man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport to return to New York. He took his seat and started to settle himself in. As he was doing so, he noticed a strikingly beautiful woman walking down the aisle.

He saw she was heading straight towards his seat and - much to his joy - she took the seat right next to him!

"Hi," he blurted out, "Are you on a business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and replied, "Business. I am going over to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in New York City."

He swallowed hard. Heck! Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he coolly asked, "What's your, er... business role at the convention?"

"I'm a lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to disprove a few of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one very popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the native American Indian who's most likely to possess that trait.

"Another very popular myth is that French men make the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Greek descent.

"We have also found that the best potential lovers in all of the categories are Irish men."

Suddenly the woman became very uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said. "I really should not be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."


=

Whilst in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom while he's there.

A week after arriving home in the States, he wakes up one morning to find his manhood is covered all over in hellish, bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The practitioner, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells him to return in two days for the results.

The man turns up two days later and the GP announces, "I have rather bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Right... then just give me a pill or a strong shot of something that'll fix me up."

The GP answers bluntly, "Listen, I'm sorry, but there is no known cure. We'll have to amputate."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! A million times no! I want a second opinion."

The GP sighs, "Well, it's your choice. Do that if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man locates a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about this disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and then proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The man replies, "Yeah, yeah, I already know this; so, what can be done about it? My American GP wants to remove my manhood!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American dottahs, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank the Lord!" blubs the man.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself...!"

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Happy
Grumpy
Sleepy
Bashful
Dopey
Sneezy
Doc =
Playful
Peppery
Dozy
Shy
Dumb
Achy nose
See - 'GP'

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An unusual new store has opened in Georgia, America, where a woman may go to buy a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. It says:

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the husbands increases as you ascend each flight.
You, the customer may select any item from a particular floor, or you may elect to go up to the next level but you can not go back down except to exit the building!'

A young woman went to the Husband Store to try and find a husband. On the first floor the sign said:

Floor ONE - These Men Are All Employed.

She was intrigued, but continued to the second floor anyway, where the sign read:

Floor TWO - These Men Are All Employed and Like Children.

'That's quite nice,' she thought, 'but I'd want more.'

So she continued upward. The third floor sign said:

Floor THREE - These Men are all Employed in Secure Jobs, Love Children, and are Very Good Looking.

'Wow!' she thought, but felt compelled to keep going.

She got to the fourth floor and the sign said:

Floor FOUR - These Men all Have Secure Jobs, Love Children, are Very Good Looking and Like Helping With Housework.

'My!' she exclaimed, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she went up to the fifth floor, where the sign said:

Floor FIVE - These Men all Have A Secure Job that Pays Them Very Well, They Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Like Helping With the Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are all Very Faithful.

She was tempted to stay, but went up to the final floor anyway, where the sign read:

Floor SIX - You are visitor Eighteen-million five-hundred-and-twenty-eight thousand-and-twenty-nine to this level. There aren't any men here. This floor exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Store. Please exit to the right to make space for more unreasonable customers!

To avoid any gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions were posted at the entrance to this store as well.

The first level says: Wives that Enjoy Sex.

The second says: Wives that Enjoy Sex and Have Their Own Money and Like To Have a Drink.

Apparently, the third, fourth, fifth and sixth levels have never been visited.

=

A boatload of wealthy tourists stopped at a remote Mexican fishing village.

One of the tourists complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took them to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"So why don't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to cover their needs and those of their families.

"But how do you spend the rest of your time?" asked the tourist.

"Oh, we sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, have siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go over to the village tavern to see our friends, have a drink or two, play the guitar, relax and sing some songs. We have a good, stress-free life."

The tourist interrupted, "Look, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should begin by fishing for longer every day.

"You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can purchase extra, even bigger, boats."

"And after that?"

"Ok; with the extra money those larger boats earn, you can purchase second boats and third boats and so on until you possess a whole fleet of trawlers.

"Then, instead of just selling the fish to middle-men," he expounded, "you can negotiate direct with the processing plants, or perhaps even open a plant of your own! You can then leave this remote village and move to Mexico City, or Los Angeles, or even good old New York! From there you'll be able to direct the whole enterprise."

"So, just how long would that take?"

"Oh, we're only looking at perhaps twenty years or so," replied the tourist.

"And then?"

"And then? Oh, Jesus, that's when it becomes even more exciting!" exclaimed the tourist. "When the business gets really enormous, you can then start to buy and sell stocks and shares, make several million and end up as major shareholders!"

"Several million? Goodness! And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire to a remote village on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, have siestas with your wives and spend the odd evening drinking and enjoying a stress-free life with your friends."

“But that’s just what we do now,” observed the fishermen.

And the moral of the story is:

Know where you're going in life... You might already be there!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MY FUNNY VALENTINE
By
Frank Sinatra

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But don't you change one hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day
=

MY TONY VALENTINE
Sung by
Wendi Deng (a fan)

My Tony valentine
How can I make you mine
If you love Cherie amour?
Your butt is like a peach
Soft, furry, outta reach
Which makes me yearn for you much more.

In that natty suit you're svelte,
Yes, it's made of silk, what else!
And your trousers will be felt
I guarantee!

Your eyes are a piercing blue
Your skin a rare orange hue
Stay Mr 'Valentine' Blair
Let's have a foreign affair!

Oh, I love that gallant streak
And your mouth kissing my cheek
Yet, when you open it to speak
Does it lie?

You are my total fantasy
So top up that tan for me
Fly to me Tony, okay?
Valentine, let's run away!

LONG CATEGORY, March 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes, beer.

Lady: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Three 6-packs.

Lady: How much is it per 6-pack?

Man: It's about ten dollars.

Lady: How long have you been drinking it?

Man: Fifteen years.

Lady: Hmm... I see. So, one 6-pack costs ten dollars and you have three packs per day which means that you're spending nine hundred dollars a month. In twelve months, it will be ten thousand eight hundred dollars. Is that right?

Man: Seems about right.

Lady: So, in one year you spend ten thousand eight hundred dollars which, disregarding inflation, puts your spending over the past fifteen years at a massive one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars - correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Whew! Do you know that if you had not drunk those beers, the money could have been invested in a step-up interest savings account? After adjusting for compound interest over the past fifteen years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

=

This conversation ensued after an old lady rang an NHS hospital based in England:

'I'd like some information on a patient named Mrs Nancy Bundy. She was admitted suddenly last Sunday with chest pains and I just wanted to check if her condition has improved, or deteriorated?'

'Do you know what ward Mrs Bundy's in?'

'Yes, ward N, room 6F'

'I'll put you through to the nurses' desk...'

'Ward N staff-nurse; how can I help?'

'I'm phoning about your patient, Nancy Bundy, and to ask whether she's improved or deteriorated?'

'I'll check her notes... Yes, I'm happy to say that Nancy has improved. She's regained her appetite and her pulse is sound and steady. After some extra tests tonight she should be well enough to be discharged at around 6 o'clock tomorrow evening.'

'Gosh, that's wonderful! I'm very glad and grateful; thank you very much, young lady!'

'That's okay. You seem very relieved, are you a friend or a near relative?'

'Neither, I'm Nancy Bundy in room 6F. Nobody tells you fuck all around here.’

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
HOW TO RECOGNISE ARTISTS FROM THEIR PAINTINGS.
1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN

2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS

3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO

4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL

5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH

6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT

7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER

8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO

9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS

10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO

11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO

12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK

13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI

=

HOW TO RECOGNISE THE TOP-THIRTEEN RANKED ANAGRAM ACES FROM THEIR 'GRAMS.

13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE

12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS

11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN

10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.

9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:

8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT

7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER

6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY

5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA

4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA

3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!

2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:

1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
IT MIGHT AS WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Carole King

What shall I write?
What can I say?
How can I tell you how much I miss you?

The weather here has been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
So It might as well rain until September

My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
Yes everybody loves the summertime
But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
So It might as well rain until September
September, September, oh
It might as well rain until September

=

IT MAY WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Noah Sark

When will it clear?
Where will I go?
Is there a way they can stop it raining?

This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
With rain each day for what seems an eternity
It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
Hey, I hear it might rain until September!

I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
Hmm, it may go on until September!

They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
In May, the Summer's marking time behind
Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!

It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
And usually it would not matter much at all
Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
May well rain until December!

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Top Notoriously Bad Tourists
10. Brazil
9. Italy
8. France
7. India
6. Germany
5. Australia
4. China
3. Russia
2. United Kingdom
1. United States
=
10. Ah - samba crazy!
9. Pious
8. Unlikable
7. Untidy
6. So Teutonic
5. So irritating!
4. Tiny Asians
3. Red intimidators
2. Lager louts
1. Fat and rude

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
BACK IN THE USSR
By
The Beatles

Oh, flew in from Miami Beach BOAC.
Didn't get to bed last night
On the way the paper bag was on my knee
Man I had a dreadful flight
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boy
Back in the USSR

Been away so long I hardly knew the place
Gee it's good to be back home
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case
Honey disconnect the phone
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boy
Back in the US...
Back in the US...
Back in the USSR

Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my mind

(musical break)

Yeah I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boys
Back in the USSR

Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my mind

Oh, show me round your snow-peaked mountains way down south
Take me to your daddy's farm
Let me hear your balalaika's ringing out
Come and keep your comrade warm
I'm back in the USSR
Hey you don't know how lucky you are boys
Back in the USSR

=

BACKING THE USSR
By
V. Putin

Yeah, Russia's where it's happening we hold the power
So why did you all break away?
I am wholly certain, yeah that come the hour
You'll be back with us one day
So bring back the USSR
We'll all grow much stronger by far, man!
I'm backing the USSR

You got your independence but what have you done?
You're like chickens with no heads
You pygmies don't know how a country should be run
Don't know how it should be led
Get backin' my USSR
You'll go much higher by far, da!
Backing my US...
Backin' my US...
Backin' the USSR

Well, weak Ukraine will be mine some day
Crimea, it has gone
Okay folk, denounce your Western ways
Get back to where you once belonged.

(vodka break)

Yeah, I'm talking USSR
I'm talkin' a coup d'etat, man
I'm backin' the USSR

Oh, one by one I'll take my countries back
T'was always my design
You'll know okay the moment I attack
And I shall make you my-my-mine!

Now, don't be reckless, don't resist for goodness sake
I can break you with one hand
Take a moment to consider what's at stake
Head home to the Motherland
Go back to the USSR
Home to the land of your ma-ma!
I'm backin' the USSR!

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Conchita Wurst's 'Rise Like a Phoenix' =
I pick transexual to win cos 'her' is 'he'!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Top Ten World's Fattest Countries
10. Hungary
9. Germany
8. Canada
7. Norway
6. Slovakia
5. UAE
4. Czech Republic
3. Australia
2. New Zealand
1. USA

=

10. Cake crazy
9. The wurst!
8. Styled on USA
7. Couch-potato land
6. A fruit 'n' veg paranoia
5. Are unaware
4. Sweets
3. All lazy
2. Ennui
1. Darn Big Macs!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)

There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.

But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?

=

WILFUL PRIDE

"Oh, what a lovely war!" he cried
"Let the fighting start!"
To the warfront, side by side
We walk into the dark...
Sabres rattle! Into battle!
***
"Oh, God, this war; it's Hell," he sighs
"How can I go on?"
He's lost his will
His friends lie, killed
In bits, out on the Somme

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER
A Poem by Lewis Carroll

"The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright —
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done —
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun."

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead —
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
'If this were only cleared away,'
They said, 'it would be grand!'

'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?'
'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head —
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat —
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more —
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings.'

'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed —
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The night is fine,' the Walrus said.
'Do you admire the view?'

'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf —
I've had to ask you twice!'

'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'

'I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none —
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

=

THE WALRUS AND THE BEATLES

While skiffling with his 'Quarrymen'
Boy Lennon said to Paul
"Hey, dude, why don't you sing with us?
We're sure to have a ball."
So Paul said 'Yes' and George was next
And Ringo last of all.

A group was formed, the scene was set
They went in search of fame
But soon the boys all realised
They'd have to change their name
So, inspired by Buddy's 'Crickets',
'The Beatles' they became

They learnt their trade in Hamburg's dives
And back in Liverpool
Where they played at The Cavern club
(The kids thought they were cool!)
Said Epstein, "Can I manage you?
"Together we shall rule!"

The rest, of course, is history
Their status quickly soared
They cut a record, 'Love Me Do'
And it reached No. Four
The fans adored these cheeky lads
And they demanded more!

And that's precisely what they got
As 'Please Please Me' hit Two
Then they had their first No. One
A song 'From Me To You'
And then a bigger No. One
The catchy 'She Loves You'.

Those Lennon and McCartney songs
Were truly so unique,
And the added three-part harmonies
Would make your knees go weak!
And when George started to write hits
The fab four hit fresh peaks.

The disc 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'
Would seal their fate the day
That it rushed in to top the charts
In the US of A!
So, sudden worldwide fame arrived
And it arrived to stay!

The Beatles soared from hit to hit
Their music scaled new heights
Of sheer, creative genius
The future was so bright.
When 'Sgt Pepper' was conceived
It reaffirmed their might.

But, ah, another person had
Intruded on the scene
Her name was Yoko Ono she
Was like a figurine
Sad Lennon he was dazzled but
The others weren't so keen...

These were the 'fab four's' golden days
When they were at their peak
But had that vast creative vat
Begun to spring a leak?
And over time, did Yoko break
The Beatles, so to speak?

And was this the defining time,
When history looks back,
The Beatles' base began to shift
It's walls began to crack?
Did they choose wrong directions?
Had they subtly changed tack?

"The time has come, fans," Lennon said
"For an unusual song
I wrote it on an acid trip
The lyrics sound all wrong
'I Am The Walrus' it is called
I hope you sing along!"

I do aver, we loved those words
Ah, I did anyway!
Ooh, the idiosyncrasy!
But, buddies, may I say?
I'd sensed a threat of an adieu,
Some sad and sorry day

In those last topsy turvy years
The boys' success plateaued
Their work it's said, was not their best
(Aside from 'Abbey Road')
The four discussed it and agreed
To end the episode.

Behind them lay achievements that
No one would ever beat
The twists of fate that teamed them up
History can't repeat
We will not see their likes again
Nor duplicate their feats

So, Macca carried on with 'Wings'
And then went off solo
While Lennon scored hits of his own
Or dabbled with Yoko
Harrison wrote new, classic tunes
That always ebbed and flowed.

But now, within our souls we hoped
That, at a future date,
The 'fab four' boys would reunite
So we could hear them play
We had such hopes, but, ah, as usu-
-al, life got in the way...

Or rather, 'death' got in the way
Mark Chapman saw to that.
Then cancer saw off Harrison
And so our dreams were dashed
But their sweet music stayed alive,
And rose out of the ash.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
BAFFLING QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO REAL ANSWER

If he lives in the jungle and doesn't have a razor, how come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?

Why do we press harder on the remote control even if we know the batteries are flat?

Why do the banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' if they're aware that there are insufficient funds to cover it?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there's in excess of four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say that the paint is wet?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Hmm...

And did you ever stop to wonder...?

If the temperature is zero today and it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be tomorrow?

Do married people really live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we'd put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm... I think I'll squeeze
those pink dangly things and drink whatever might come out of them.'?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse.'
~
Why do toasters have a setting so extreme it burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever want to eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking you for the time, but do not point to their bum when asking you where the bathroom is?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed when he knows he's gonna look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand up erect while Pluto's always low on all fours? They are both dogs!

What joker's idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil's made from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what's baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Now stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full benefits of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, yet when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

And, the last one...

How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?
Aha, I think I can answer that one! Give it a nipple.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Limericks

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
OH, WHAT A CIRCUS
From 'Evita'

[Che:]
Oh what a circus, oh what a show
Argentina has gone to town
Over the death of an actress called Eva Peron
We've all gone crazy
Mourning all day and mourning all night
Falling over ourselves to get all of the misery right

Oh what an exit, that's how to go
When they're ringing your curtain down
Demand to be buried like Eva Peron
It's quite a sunset
And good for the country in a roundabout way
We've made the front pages of all the world's papers today

But who is this Santa Evita?
Why all this howling, hysterical sorrow?
What kind of goddess has lived among us?
How will we ever get by without her?

She had her moments, she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now
As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears
We're all gonna see and how, she did nothing for years

[Crowd:]

Salve regina mater misericordiae
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
Salve salve regina
Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
O clemens o pia

[Che:]
You let down your people Evita
You were supposed to have been immortal
That's all they wanted, not much to ask for
But in the end you could not deliver

Sing you fools, but you got it wrong
Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
Your queen is dead, your king is through
And she's not coming back to you

Show business kept us all alive
Since seventeen October 1945
But the star has gone, the glamour's worn thin
That's a pretty bad state for a state to be in

Instead of government we had a stage
Instead of ideas, a prima donna's rage
Instead of help we were given a crowd
She didn't say much, but she said it loud

Sing you fools, but you got it wrong
Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
Your queen is dead, your king is through
She's not coming back to you

[Crowd:]
Salve regina mater misericordiae
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
Salve salve regina Peron
Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
O clemens o pia

[Eva:]
Don't cry for me Argentina
For I am ordinary, unimportant
And undeserving of such attention
Unless we all are, I think we all are
So share my glory, so share my coffin
So share my glory, so share my coffin

[Che:]
It's our funeral too

=

DON'T CRY FOR TEAM ARGENTINA
Aria (by various desolate Argentines)

[Narrator:]
Oh, what a circus, oh what a show,
Argentina has come to town,
But in the Grand Football Final they've let themselves down,
The fans are mourning,
Mourning their dreams and counting the cost,
Mourning as hard as can be, a trophy their heroes have lost

Oh, what an exit, it's not the way
The script was supposed to have gone,
Now they're dead and buried like Eva Peron,
It's quite a blunder
And sad for the country in so many ways,
For in the newspapers today, the Germans
get all of the praise!

So, who are these German supremos?
Why all the syrupy adulation?
They are not gods, they are not immortal,
But, gee, that goal was something quite special...

They had sleek Messi, he had some style,
And many folk voyaged for miles
To the Estadio Maracana to cheer for their side,
But they've gone home now,
Off to their shanties, to their hidey-holes,
Reflecting how it would've been, if Messi had just scored that goal...

[Crowd:]

Viva our squad; viva our coach, Sabella!
Viva Presidente Cristina!
Viva our proud Argentina!
This was but a hiccup, we are not beaten yet,
We'll rise like a phoenix, from the ashes
And we'll soon have the World Cup again!

[Narrator:]
You blew your chance team Argentina
You missed two easy goals Higuain and Messi,
One goal would do it, not much to ask for,
But sad to say you could not deliver.

[Female Presidente Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner:]
Come sing our usual victory songs,
So much was good, gee it wasn't all wrong,
We've lost a fight but not the war
And we'll be bigger than we were before!

Those Germans do not always thrive
They proved it May 1945
They gave up then, they could again,
Some day we'll cause them football pain!

Come sing our usual victory songs
Unlike Brasil we've got a gong
A silver's good, we're runners-up,
True gold awaits us at the next World Cup!

Sing of success, sing of love
A song of glory to God above,
I'll lead us to such greatness soon,
To find success we must seek the moon...

So, don't cry for team Argentina,
Judge it an upset, not a disaster,
And undeserving of your deep sorrow,
Some day you'll witness our full emergence,
For soon you'll see us, win The Malvinas
Yes, soon you'll see us, in The Malvinas.

[Voices of UK]
Yeah, ok. In your dreams lady!

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Senior has ~
nose hairs!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2014:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Solicitors' office - a phone rings)
"Good morning, Shaker, Shaker and Shaker, can I help you?"
"Yeah, thanks - may I speak to Mr Shaker?"
~
"Sorry, he's gone for lunch."
"Can I speak to Mr Shaker then?"
"He is on holiday, I'm afraid."
"Gosh! Okay, can I speak to Mr Shaker?"
"Speaking."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God
An Ode by
John Milton Hayes

There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
There's a little marble cross below the town;
There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
And the Yellow God forever gazes down.

He was known as "Mad Carew" by the subs at Khatmandu,
He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell;
But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks,
And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him as well.

He had loved her all along, with a passion of the strong,
The fact that she loved him was plain to all.
She was nearly twenty-one and arrangements had begun
To celebrate her birthday with a ball.

He wrote to ask what present she would like from Mad Carew;
They met next day as he dismissed a squad;
And jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do
But the green eye of the little Yellow God.

On the night before the dance, Mad Carew seemed in a trance,
And they chaffed him as they puffed at their cigars:
But for once he failed to smile, and he sat alone awhile,
Then went out into the night beneath the stars.

He returned before the dawn, with his shirt and tunic torn,
And a gash across his temple dripping red;
He was patched up right away, and he slept through all the day,
And the Colonel's daughter watched beside his bed.

He woke at last and asked if they could send his tunic through;
She brought it, and he thanked her with a nod;
He bade her search the pocket saying "That's from Mad Carew,"
And she found the little green eye of the god.

She upbraided poor Carew in the way that women do,
Though both her eyes were strangely hot and wet;
But she wouldn't take the stone and Mad Carew was left alone
With the jewel that he'd chanced his life to get.

When the ball was at its height, on that still and tropic night,
She thought of him and hurried to his room;
As she crossed the barrack square she could hear the dreamy air
Of a waltz tune softly stealing thro' the gloom.

His door was open wide, with silver moonlight shining through;
The place was wet and slipp'ry where she trod;
An ugly knife lay buried in the heart of Mad Carew,
'Twas the "Vengeance of the Little Yellow God."

There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
There's a little marble cross below the town;
There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
And the Yellow God forever gazes down.

=

The Odd Man

There's a Spanish chalet-restaurant north-west of the Walworth Road,
Where they make the finest eggnog anywhere;
There's a fellow at the table by the window all alone,
And on Monday nights you'll catch him seated there.

A chap of little rank, a lowly teller in a bank,
He was chubby, middle-aged and shy as well,
All his days felt just the same; Donald Michael was the name
And the place was called the Casa Annabel.

When he'd sat that night at eight, chasing tacos round the plate,
He'd thought wryly of his impact on the world,
In the forty years of life, he had never had a wife,
To tell the truth, he'd never had a girl!

One final lager quencher then he'd wend his lonely way,
To that tatty, squalid bedsit in the town,
To bed to turn the light off on another faded day,
Then he'd wrap himself up in the eiderdown.

But at length his thoughts were jarred by the strum of a guitar,
That played the strident intro to Granada,
Through the curtain made of net came the clack! of castanets,
And Donald found his heart was beating harder!

Then she burst into the room, like a Spanish rose in bloom,
With her lovely lips a luscious ruby-red,
Stomped both heels then threw some shapes, twirled her long dress like a cape,
And each sensual move she made begged "come to bed!"

She swayed across the floor toward the place where Donald sat,
Her eyes, two burning jewels were locked on his,
And Donald sat there stiffly like a terrified meerkat,
With his head and heart a'flutter, and a'tizz.

Then Donald slowly felt that frozen fear begin to melt,
As he looked into the hot depths of her eyes,
Something strange was now occurring, and he felt his loins a'stirring,
And that tingle now had gone down to both thighs.

As the glow within him grew, all at once for sure he knew
He was the chubby bank teller no more,
Then he flew up from the seat, clapped his hands and stomped both feet,
Now he was Don Miguel the strong, tall toreador!

Their eyes were locked, both bodies arched, he matched her every move,
They generated sexual heat galore,
They strutted, writhed and wriggled, now both totally in the groove,
Ah, he was Don Miguel the toreador!

When the music stopped her eyes stayed locked, her warm hand touched his cheek,
"Wow, that was the best!" she sighed. "Wow!" he growled, and "Whew!
"Now I somehow know that you're the one, my legs have both gone weak!"
And the senorita said, "I feel that too."

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The timeless Deborah Ann 'Debbie' Harry =
The rather dreamy 'Blondie' babe shines!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.' - Lewis B Smedes
=
No way! So far, I've discovered the best response to hurt emotions is swift reprisal. Agreed?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE RULE BIBLE FOR GUYS
Rules from Men to Women

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to shift the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You never hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sport. It's like Time and the Changing of the Tides. Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be very clear about this. Subtle hints don't work on men; neither do big hints, neither do obvious hints. Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable replies to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you require our help solving it. That's what men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said three months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments may become null and void after a maximum of seven days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we've said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you'd like it done. Never both. If you already know the best way of doing it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say anything you have to say during the commercial breaks.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Aubergine is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it'll be scratched. Men do that.

If a man asks what's wrong and you reply 'nothing,' he'll act like nothing's wrong. He probably realizes you're fibbing, but it just isn't worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you might not want to hear.

If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you're wearing is fine... Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor racing.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I'm in shape. Round IS a shape!

A headache that lasts for eighteen months is a problem. See a doctor.

Beer is as enticing for us as handbags are for you.

Kindly remember these rules.
=

Rules - Men to Men:

Any man who takes a camera to a bachelor party may be lawfully killed and possibly eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is quite okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
As soon as he sees Jennifer Aniston start to undo her blouse b) After wrecking your boss's Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth

Unless he killed someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

If you've known a guy for over twenty-four hours, his sister is out of bounds forever, unless you actually marry her.

The standard time you should have to wait for a guy who is running late is around six minutes. The longest waiting time allowed is seven minutes

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, it is okay to moan at will if the temperature is too warm.

No man shall ever be expected to buy a birthday present for another man. (Even just knowing your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

When coming upon some other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you should never ask who is playing.

Guys do not let their buddies wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If another man's zipper is down, that is his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who say they "love to watch sport" should be treated as spies until they demonstrate a detailed knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If you compliment a guy on his 'exquisite six-pack', you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Phrases that may not be uttered directly to another man while he's lifting weights: a) Push it harder, sweet cheeks! b) Give me one more - now! c) One last set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Don't ever talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on an equal footing, i.e: both peeing, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation that is needed.

When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a way that also gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Thanks for reading this.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
PRIVATE DANCER
A song by Tina Turner

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I wanna make a million dollars
I wanna live out by the sea
Have a husband and some children
Yeah, I guess I want a family

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

Deutsch marks or dollars
American Express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
No, you don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do
(repeat and fade...)

=

PRIVATE DANCER
(Military two-step)

I'm a bored and lonely guardsman
In a dull old sentry box
Here outside the royal palace
Where I'm stood up like a rock

And the minutes really drag on
And you may not move or talk
And the folk outside the palace
Come to look and shout and gawk

They call me Private Dancer and say I'm a fool, 'cause
I played out my own kooky joke
Instead of a slow march I did pirouettes
To entertain all of you folk

They all say I'm in deep doodah
Yeah, and danced well out of line
My superiors are furious
And I could incur a fine

Or they may dole out a sentence
In a military jail
'Cause I'm trendin' now on YouTube
And I'm in the Daily Mail

I'm known as Private Dancer oh, man, it's not funny
And now I am stuck with the name
Private Dancer, he danced when on duty
And that's my one mad claim to fame

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad, mental moment
May mean your career has to end,
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

No euro or dollar
Could allay the sorrow that makes my emotions so raw
And, oh, I feel really hollow
Lemme tell you, I'll not shimmy on duty no more

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad mental moment
May mean your career has to end
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

All my life I'm true and loyal
(Damned unusual these days!)
Loyal to you kooky Royals
And if we sever our ways

Hell, I'll duly keep on prancing
Who knows, in another year?
I may do 'Strictly Come Dancing'
And have me a new career.

As a champion dancer, a dancer for money,
Don't mind any music you use,
A champion dancer, a dancer for money's
What I am intended to do. Ha!
(repeat and end)

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Attributes Women Look For In A Man

Warm
Empathetic
Loving
Likeable

Humorous
Understanding
Nice looks
Gentle
=
Attributes Men Look For In A Woman

Blonde
Impish
Go-getter

Kind
Natural
Owns a home!
Cute,
Keen
En vogue
Rich
Slim, tall

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Indeed there is, ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh dear.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Woman: Hell, I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Officer: Hmmm... Right, can I see your vehicle registration papers then, please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why's that?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: You stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I have a confession to make - I murdered and hacked up the owner.

Officer: Holy shit! You did what?

Woman: There are 22 body parts in plastic bags in the trunk if you need to see them.

The duty officer looks at the female, then slowly edges back to his car, where he calls for back up. Within minutes, six patrol cars surround the car. A senior officer slowly emerges from one of them and approaches the woman's car, grasping a half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please?

She steps out.
~
Woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers tells me you've stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: I've murdered the owner? Wow, how sinister!

Officer 2: Would you care to open the trunk of your car, please ma'am?

The woman coolly does as she is asked, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Ok... is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: It is, sir - I have the registration papers here as proof.

The first officer is astounded.

Officer 2: Again, one of my officers is claiming you do not have a driving licence.

Eager to cooperate, the woman rummages in her handbag and pulls out a thin clutch purse which she passes to the officer. The officer flips open the purse and examines the licence. He looks baffled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. My officer specifically told me you don't have a licence, that you stole this car after you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: He what? Wow, I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
IF FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WERE TO BE WRITTEN BY A MAN

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she skilfully squeezed and pulled it. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle three.'

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way that only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate my chips.

'Hurt me, hurt me!' she begged, leaning expectantly over the table. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey is too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

She stood there, trembling in the shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
So we went to McDonalds.

I lay back spent, gazing dreamily out the shed window.
Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, I could see that the rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, icily.
"Hmm, kinky," she purred.
"Well," I said, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
She is still managing to get into that shed, though.

She wanted to try telephone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. I turned her on. Then I turned her off. Then I turned her on again.

They asked me to fully smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

"Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
"Well, I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... then she showed me the till-receipt.

'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What is the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

'I want it now against this wall!' she commanded, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'
'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know full well how to put up a shelf.'
~
She shook and spasmed as she felt wave after wave zapping through her body. I probably should have told her about that electric fence.

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Oh, smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'but the darned ketchup just won't come out.'

'What do you think about using toys for extra kicks in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'although I don't know how we're going to get a Scalextric in here.'

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, and up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the end of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I groaned with pleasure. Right, now for the other boot.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked, "only, when I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

'I am your slave,' she gasped breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and thoroughly worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

Her body trembled and shook. 'Hurry, I cannot wait any longer, do it now!' she groaned. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet down from the airing cupboard.

'Hurt me!' she groaned, pressing her tense body against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

'Yes! Stick it right up there,' she urged, 'I want to remember this!' I did so, then tapped it firmly. You can never be too careful with Post-it notes.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

'I am a very bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Right,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'OK,' I replied, and punched the waiter.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Bob Geldof rehashes 'Do They Know It's Christmas' again =
Oh bother! We're sick of this same ghastly Band Aid song!

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2014:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three dead bodies arrived at a mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The Coroner called the police to explain what had happened.

He told the Inspector: 'First body: here we have Federigo Fellini, an Italian, died of heart failure while with his new mistress. Hence, as you see, the beaming smile on his face.'

'Second body: Angus Fyffe, a Scottish scaffolder; won fifty-five thousand pounds on the National Lottery but wasted the lot on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the squiffy smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'How about the last one?'

'He's the most unusual one of all,' said the Coroner: Seamus Shaugnessy, Irishman, struck by lightning.'

'So, why's he smiling?' asked the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his photo taken.'

=

Tim, an old Irishman, is lying at home on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he knows that the end can not be far away, when he suddenly detects the most delicious aroma.
He immediately realises that Ivy, his loving wife of sixty-odd years, is baking his favourite Irish scones.

He manages to muster up enough energy to pull himself out of bed, then begins to crawl on all fours in the anticipated direction of the kitchen.

When he reaches it, he beholds the so-tantalising sight of a plateload of piping-hot scones piled up on the table.

He crawls wearily across the floor and, as his quivering hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feels the thwhack! of a wooden spoon on his wrist, as his wife shouts, "Fuck off, they're for the funeral!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2014:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Murphy and Paddy were drinking in their local pub.

"Something really strange happened to me last noight," said Murphy, "I shat a phantom turd."

"Begorrah, did ya?" asked Paddy. "Er... what's a phantom turd?"

"Well," said Murphy, "it's like when ya have a shite, then stand up and look down the pan afterwards and find it's disappeared!"

"Whew! To be sure, oi did one of those meself," said Paddy.

"Did ya honestly, Paddy?" exclaimed Murphy.

"Yes, oi was walkin' back from da pub last noight and I needed to take a shite. There were no public toilets around so oi climbed over a fence and squatted on somebody's lawn. But when I'd finished, oi looked down and there was no sign of it, so there wasn't!"

"Baloney! I don't believe a word," said Murphy, "you probably just couldn't see it in da darkness."

"No, honest, it really disappeared, come and look for yourself if ya don't believe me."

"Well, I think oi will," said Murphy, so together they marched out of the pub and Paddy led the way to the house. When they arrived, Paddy said, "Ok Murphy, dis is where oi did it, right on da lawn there!" With that, they climbed over the fence and started searching in the grass for the phantom faeces.

While they were searching, the front door of the house opened and a woman called out, "Oi! What are youse two doing in me garden?"

"Sorry, missus," said Paddy, "I'm lookin' for me dog, he's escaped off the lead."

"Right, dat's ok den," said the woman, "only oi thought ye moight be da bastards that shat on me tortoise last noight!"

=

And some more...

Paddy saw a letter lying on his doormat. On the envelope it read "DO NOT BEND".
He spent the next two hours trying to work out how to pick it up.
*

Paddy shouted frantically into the telephone "Me woife is pregnant and da contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" enquired the Doctor.
"No," shouted Paddy, "Dis is her husband!"
*

Irish farmer Tommy's sheepdog went missing and he was inconsolable. His wife said to him: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper, Tommy?"
He did so immediately, but two weeks later the dog was still on the loose. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked.
"Here boy," replied Tommy.
*

Paddy was in jail. One day, the guard looked in the cell and saw him hanging by his feet. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asked.
"Oi'm hangin' meself," Paddy replied.
"The rope should be around your neck, man!" said the guard.
"Yeah, oi know dat," said Paddy "but oi couldn't breathe."
*

Aha! One answer I can understand!:
The American tourist asked the Irishman: "Gee, Paddy, why do Scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat?"
Paddy replied: They have ta go backwards. If they fell forward, they'd still be in da boat."
*

Paddy rang his girlfriend's doorbell with a bunch of flowers. She opened the door, took one look at them and immediately dragged him in. Then she lay on the sofa, pulled her dress up, took her panties down and said, 'This is for da flowers!'
'Don't be daft,' said Paddy, 'You gotta have a vase somewhere in da house!'
*

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2014:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING
By
Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you've got something for me.
Something you call love, but confess,
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
And now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
And you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
And you keep thinkin' that you'll never get burnt. Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
=

A BOOTY'S MADE FOR FLAUNTIN'
(An elegy on Kim Kardashian's no-nonsense rear)
By
Anon

Hey there Kim, you've really shown it to us!
One kinky sight that you thought we'd enjoy,
You bared your naked bum to all the readers
Of 'PAPER', but was it the real McCoy?

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!

You revealed it in its cheeky glory,
With glass of bubbly restin' on the top,
It's one eerie stunt you like performin', ooh!
So 'bottoms up' and make that cork go pop!

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!

You have so much baggage, you've been known as,
A weekend beauty with a weakened brain, ooh!
It seems now all that baggage is behind you, yeah
Yet... sexy? Oh no, we think you're insane!

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen you've really got the hugest buns!

Okay, loosen the negligee, sneak open a wine - let me see that booty again!

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
James Thurber
=
I love my dog for he is one loyal pet; a finer trait that few human beings have. Cats, however, are born evil - it isn't just my view... ask any bird!

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Fergus in a steaming rage with a packed suitcase in his hand.

"What's happened Fergus?" she asks anxiously.

"What's happened? Oi'll tell ya what's happened. Oi sent an E-mail to me wife telling her that I was comin' home today from me fishin' trip. I got back... and guess what oi found? I found your daughter, me wife Bridget, naked with Paddy O'Toole in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, it's the end of our marriage. I'm done! I'm leavin' her forever!"

"Oh, calm down, Fergus," chides his mother-in-law. "There is somethin' very odd going on here. Bridget would never do such a thing! There has to be an explanation. I'll speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back in with a big smile on her face.

"Hey it's OK, Fergus, I told ya there must be a simple explanation didn't I?... She never got your E-mail!"

=

After living in the same remote countryside of Ireland all his life, Liam, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the many shops, he picked up a wall-mirror and looked in it. Never having seen a mirror before, Liam was extremely surprised at the image he saw staring back at him.

'Wow! How about that?' he exclaimed, 'It's only a picture of me Poppa! Gee, dat's awesome!'

And so, thinking it really was a picture of his pa, he purchased the mirror. But on the way home Liam remembered his wife Mona didn't like his father, so he hung it up in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would have a look at it.

Liam's wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after he'd left, she went there and found the new mirror hanging up.

Mona looked into the glass and fumed with anger: 'Ha!' she exploded, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with!'

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' =
Arty fetish topic might offend our eyes?

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Woman (by bus stop with son, 5 years old):
"When the bus comes, tell the driver you are 4."

"I'm five though!"

"I know; but if we say you are four ~
I won't have to pay your fare."

The bus comes in.
Driver asks: "Um... how old are you?"

Boy mutters: "4."

"When will you be 5?"

"When I get off this bus."

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A group of pensioners were sitting discussing their ailments in a Starbucks cafe.

"My arms have become so shaky that I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know what you mean," observed another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"Gosh, I can't even mark the X on my ballot form at an election because my twisted hands are so crippled," sighed a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't quite hear you," shouted one elderly lady.

"I struggle to turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another, to which several nodded wryly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me really light-headed!" exclaimed another old soul.

"I forget who I am, where I am and where I'm going," added another.

"I guess that is the price we pay for getting old," groaned an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others quietly nodded their agreement.

"Oh well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.

"Thank God we can all still drive."

=

Malcolm Clarke is ninety years old and has played golf every day since retiring a quarter of a century ago.

One day he arrives home looking particularly downcast.

"Frances, I'm giving up golf," Malcolm moans to his wife. "My eyes are now so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she remarks, "Look, why don't you take my brother Claude along and give it one more go."

"That's no good," groans the exasperated Malcolm, "old Claude is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"Claude may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is in perfect order."

So the next day Malcolm goes to the golf course with brother-in-law Claude.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

Then he turns to Claude and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies his brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go then?" asks Malcolm.

"Er... I don't remember."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
JABBERWOCKY
By
Lewis Carroll

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
=

ABBA JOCKEY
(The Blond Clubber)

Rob Melcher was the DJ
At a nightclub in Soho,
He had this thing for Bjorn Ulvaeus,
Loved him as a bro!

"Ain't that the truth," Rob would admit,
"I just adore the man!
"He wrote the catchy Abba hits
"And I'm a mighty fan!"

Rob called himself 'The Abba Jockey'
Played them through to dawn;
But visually, he was a shock,
He dressed and looked like Bjorn!

'What's wrong with that?' you might react,
Hmm... well, I might agree,
Were it not for the screwy fact
That Rob was eighty-three!

"But Abba music keeps me young!"
He'd cry when others jeered,
"And when I get my Bjorn wig on
"It melts away the years!"

Old Rob would twist 'n' shout 'n' sing
To every Abba song -
'SOS', 'I Have A Dream'
'Dum Diddle' to 'So Long'."

One club-night, at the gig he wore
Some platform boots (high-rise),
But twelve-inch heels on wobbly floor
Is not exactly wise...

He stumbled, fell, and whammed his head
Hard on his walking frame;
And now the Abba Jockey's dead,
But that's the Name of the Game.

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2015:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Fragrant diffuser sprays for use in the home =
Guy freshens up his room after a friend farts!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair's autobiography 'A Journey' =
'Our Years in a Top Job' by a lying author.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Presidential White House, Washington DC, America =
This residence has a man with huge power located in it.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy: "Oi found dis posh new Cartier pen, is it yours, Magrath?"
Magrath: "Oi don't know yet, show me it."
=
(tries out the pen) "Yep, it is moin for sure."
Paddy: "How do ya know?"
Magrath: "Cos dat's moi handwriting!"

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I think wearable technology is becoming increasingly popular these days because~

designer ethics say so. Call me a puny technophobe but I like wearing only basic gear."

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
HAVING THE LAST LAUGH

I went into a supermarket today for literally five or six minutes. When I came back out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Hey, pal, why not be reasonable and give a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing. So I called him a bigoted, pencil-necked Nazi stormtrooper. He glared at me and began writing another ticket for worn tyres!

So I asked him if his psychiatrist always makes him lie face down on the couch because he's so pug-ugly.

He finished the second ticket and slapped it on the windscreen alongside the first. Then he began to write out a third one!

This went on until he had slapped a total of five tickets on the windscreen... the more insults I fired off, the more he wrote.

But hey, I wasn't overly bothered. My car was parked around the corner.

=

HAVING THE LAST WORD

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager were walking to lunch when they found a discarded oil lamp in the street.

The clerk picked it up, rubbed it and a genie spirit came out in a puff of smoke. The genie said, "I'm permitted to grant you three wishes, so I will give you one choice each."

"Me first!" cried the clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Then, poof! He was gone.

"Me next!" cried the rep. "I'd like to be in Hawaii, dancing on the beach with an endless supply of cocktails, and surrounded by dozens of stunning chicks attending to my every need." Poof! He was gone.

"Ok, now it's your turn," the genie said to their manager. The man replied, "Right, I want those two back at work after lunch."

The moral of the story is: Always let your boss have the first say.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A STRANGE WILD SONG
By
Lewis Carroll

He thought he saw an Elephant
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
'At length I realize,' he said,
'The bitterness of life! '

He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
'I'll send for the police! '

He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
'Is that it cannot speak! '

He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
'There won't be much for us! '

He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a Coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
'Were I to swallow this,' he said,
'I should be very ill! '

He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed! '

He thought he saw an Albatross
That fluttered round the lamp:
He looked again, and found it was
A Penny-Postage Stamp.
'You'd best be getting home,' he said:
'The nights are very damp! '

He thought he saw a Garden-Door
That opened with a key:
He looked again, and found it was
A Double Rule of Three:
'And all its mystery,' he said,
'Is clear as day to me! '

He thought he saw a Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope! '

=

FINAL LEG

He thought he saw a peach that was
The same size as a truck
He looked again and found that it
Was Kim Kardashian's butt!
'I've never seen a peach,' he said,
'That's had a nip and tuck!'

He thought he saw a tiger shark
Perched there upon the stair,
He looked again and found it was
The wide-mouthed Cherie Blair.
'It's not a pretty sight,' he said,
'Thank God she isn't bare!'

He thought he saw a turtle on
Its hind-legs eating pie,
He looked again and found it was
The dreadful Stephen Fry.
'I do not like the guy.' he said,
'No matter how I try.'

He thought he saw some plasticine
Formed into something bland,
He looked again and found it was
The bug-eyed Miliband.
'If Ed should come to tea,' he said,
'Are bacon sarnies planned?'

He thought he saw a slab of meat
Draped round a pair of breasts,
He looked again and found that it
Was Lady Ga Ga's dress.
'Is that the Queen of Pop?' he said,
'She looks a bloody mess!'

He thought he saw a waxwork it
Was really very foul,
He looked again and found it was
A fading Simon Cowell.
'I see your Botox cream,' he said,
'Was laid on with a trowel!'

He thought he heard the Bee Gees
Sing falsetto in the night,
He looked again and found his under-
Pants were on too tight
'Get help!' he yelped, 'It feels as if
'Both balls are in a vice!'

He thought he saw a pop star dude
Who felt he was so cool,
But looked again and found it was
The wilful Bieber fool.
'I'll get a cop to cart him off,'
He yelled, 'the boy's a tool.'

He thought he saw a puffin
Down in Memphis, Tennesee
He looked again and found that it
Was Elvis up a tree.
'Though it's a ruddy noise,' he said,
'At least it's all for free!'

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Erections in sleep =
Penile secretions.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde =
How incredibly your portrait's face aged!

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A woman was being interviewed by a judge regarding her pending divorce.

"So, what are the grounds for this divorce?" he asked her.

She replied, "About two acres, and a nice little bungalow in the middle of the property, with a stream trickling by."

"No," he said, "I meant, what's the foundation of this case?"

"Well, I think it's made of concrete, bricks and mortar."

"No," he tutted, "I meant what are your relations like?"

"They're nice people. Matter of fact, my aunt and uncle live here in the town, as do my in-laws."

"Madam," he said, becoming somewhat frustrated, "do you have a proper grudge?"

"No," she replied. "We've got a two-car carport, so we don't really need one."

"Please," he attempted once more; "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Well, both my son and my daughter have hi-fi systems. We don't necessarily like their taste in music, but the short answer to your question is yes."

"Hmm... Tell me, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she replied, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge groaned, "Look, madam, tell me something - why do you want this divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want the divorce," she replied. "It's my husband who wants it. He says he can't communicate with me!"

=

A couple in their nineties were having problems remembering. During a medical check-up, the doctor told them they were quite okay physically, but they may need to start writing things down to help them remember...

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Do you need anything while I'm out in the kitchen?' he asked.

'Yes; can I have a bowl of vanilla ice cream, please?' said his wife

'Sure.'

'Er, don't you think you should just jot it down so you can remember it?' she ventured.

'No, it's not necessary, I can remember it.'

'Can you add some strawberries too? Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget?'

'I won't forget," he assured her, "You want vanilla ice cream and strawberries.'

'Yes, and I'd also like some whipped cream, please. I am sure you'll forget that, write it down.'

'Hey, I do not need to write it down!' he snapped testily. 'I remember everything you said! Vanilla ice cream with some strawberries and whipped cream - I've got it, for goodness sake!' Then he wandered out to the kitchen.

The old man eventually returned after half-an-hour and handed his wife a plate of sausage, bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said...

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2015:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
10 TRICKS TO APPEAR SMART AT BUSINESS MEETINGS

Here are ten brilliant tricks for quickly appearing smart at business meetings:

Like everyone else, the need to seem smart at meetings is my top priority. Sometimes this can be difficult if you start daydreaming about your next vacation, your next nap, or just bacon. When this happens, it is useful to have some tricks to fall back on. Here are my ten top tips for quickly appearing smart at meetings.

1. Draw a Venn diagram.

Getting up and drawing a Venn diagram is one highly effective way of appearing smart. It does not matter if the diagram is wildly inaccurate, in fact, the more off the mark it is, the better. Even before you have put that marker down, your colleagues will start to fight about what precisely the labels should be and how big the circles should be, etc. At this point, you can slink back to your chair and continue playing Candy Crush on your phone.

2. Pace around the room.

Whenever someone gets up from the table and walks around, don’t you immediately respect them? In my opinion, it takes a lot of guts but once you do it, you'll immediately appear smart. Fold your arms. Walk around. Go to the corner and lean against the wall. Emit a deep, contemplative sigh. Trust me, everyone will be shitting their pants wondering what the hell you're thinking. If only they knew (bacon).

3. Encourage everyone to “take a step back”.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Harry Potter Series of novels by JK Rowling =
The seven works really bring profits joy to her!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2015:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A man worked for the Post Office and his job was to process any mail bearing an inaccurate or illegible address.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2015:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
When ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise =
So, it follows, being a cretin is sensible... Why?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Donald Trump is to run for President of the USA =
Note: I'd for sure not support this dreadful man!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Holy fire! Thats twaddle, you idiot! Everybody knows it's Love.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
YOU ARE OLD FATHER WILLIAM
by Lewis Carroll

"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head -
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -
Pray, what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down-stairs!"

=

YOU'RE A FATHER, YOUNG WILLIAM
Ode On A Hypothetical Royal Chat

"You're a father, young William," Her Majesty said,
"And the fifth Duke of Cambridge as well;
Though I see that you're losing the hair on your head,
You've at least sired a boy and a gel.

"Your high place is assured as a king, it is true
And that Kate was a fine gel to marry,
So now that the future is settled for you,
Would you please have a chat with young Harry?

"Like Diana, he's feisty, he has no respect,
(Oh, your mother was toxic, I knew it),
And that gingery mane on his head, I detect
Contains hues of the loathsome James Hewitt!

"I am not being huffy, we royals have flaws,
I've a notion your daddy's no monk,
Look, your grandpa's a playboy, yet he's ninety-four,
(But, you see, he's invariably drunk!)

"Now, young Harry, I think, is cast in the same mould,
Yet he is oddly unsuited to love,
Cressida, Chelsey, they both left me cold,
But, you see, they have no royal blood!

"Though it pains one to say it, the boy is a brat,
He is awfully quick to offend,
And his pants will come orf at the drop of a hat,
Heaven only knows where it will end.

"As a senior sibling, your duty's defined,
You must issue a royal decree:
Say you're jolly annoyed that he won't toe the line,
Would you do that one favour for me?"

"You are old, my dear grandmama," William sighed,
"And somewhat outdated and prim;
I won't lecture Harry - it's not that I'm shy,
But the truth is... I wish I was him!"

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2015:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Underappreciated =
Appear uncredited.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A lone VIP tourist is coming into Athens city airport.
"Name?" says Customs Officer.
It's "Angela Merkel." ~
"Nationality?"
"I am German."
"Occupation?" Customs Officer starts to ask.
"No," she replies, "merely visiting."

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A Shaggy Dog Story:

A woman noticed her aged dog was becoming deaf, so she took him to the vet.

When the vet checked, he discovered the problem was hair in the ears. Once he had removed it all, the dog was happily able to hear again. The vet explained to the woman that if she wanted to keep this from happening again she should get some "Nair," and rub it well into the dog's ears once a month.

So she headed down to the drugstore to get the Nair.

While he was handing it to her, the druggist added: "Just one warning with this product - if you intend using it under your arms, don't apply deodorant for a week."

The woman said, "Thanks, I will not be using it under my arms."

The salesman said, "Well, if you'll be using it all on your legs, don't shave them for three days."

The lady said, "No, I will not be using it on my legs... Ok, if you must know, I am using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist replied, "Then stay off your bike for a week.

=

A Doggy Shag Story:

A woman whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while they were on holiday.

As she was dozing off on the first night, she heard terrible whining and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in coitus. They were obviously in great pain but unable to disengage (as so often occurs when dogs mate).

Try as she may, she was unable to separate them and didn't know what to do. Although it was rather late at night, she decided to ring their family vet for advice.

"Yes, what is it!" answered the man in a very grumpy tone of voice.

She told him her problem.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone immediately and put it next to the dogs. I will phone you back and the disruption of the ringing will make the male lose its erection and slip out immediately."

"Do you think it'll work?" she asked.

"It just worked on me," he grunted and hung up.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2015:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
PHANTASMAGORIA - CANTO I (The Trystyng )
By
Lewis Carroll

ONE winter night, at half-past nine,
Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy,
I had come home, too late to dine,
And supper, with cigars and wine,
Was waiting in the study.

There was a strangeness in the room,
And Something white and wavy
Was standing near me in the gloom -
I took it for the carpet-broom
Left by that careless slavey.

But presently the Thing began
To shiver and to sneeze:
On which I said "Come, come, my man!
That's a most inconsiderat e plan.
Less noise there, if you please!"

"I've caught a cold," the Thing replies,
"Out there upon the landing."
I turned to look in some surprise,
And there, before my very eyes,
A little Ghost was standing!

He trembled when he caught my eye,
And got behind a chair.
"How came you here," I said, "and why?
I never saw a thing so shy.
Come out! Don't shiver there!"

He said "I'd gladly tell you how,
And also tell you why;
But" (here he gave a little bow)
"You're in so bad a temper now,
You'd think it all a lie.

"And as to being in a fright,
Allow me to remark
That Ghosts have just as good a right
In every way, to fear the light,
As Men to fear the dark."

"No plea," said I, "can well excuse
Such cowardice in you:
For Ghosts can visit when they choose,
Whereas we Humans ca'n't refuse
To grant the interview."

He said "A flutter of alarm
Is not unnatural, is it?
I really feared you meant some harm:
But, now I see that you are calm,
Let me explain my visit.

"Houses are classed, I beg to state,
According to the number
Of Ghosts that they accommodate:
(The Tenant merely counts as WEIGHT,
With Coals and other lumber).

"This is a 'one-ghost' house, and you
When you arrived last summer,
May have remarked a Spectre who
Was doing all that Ghosts can do
To welcome the new-comer.

=

Re: The Excruciating Tale Of Matthew McGee And The Sorry Psychic Occurrence
By
Les Miserable

My boozing buddy Matt McGee
Is not the finest wit,
The Irish farmer sure can be
A monumental twit.

He has no wife and drinks all
Night, cold Guinness in a jar,
While perching on his favourite stool,
Located by the bar.

Our local inn, The Royal Crown
Is held in real esteem
It serves the finest beer in town
And has a great darts team!

One wild March night a man came in,
A stranger to these parts,
He bought himself a Gilbey's gin,
And watched the guys play darts.

"'Tis said dis place is haunted, sir,"
Matt grinned at him then laughed,
"Why, even now oi see ye have a
Spirit in your glass!"

The stranger uttered to McGee:
"How weird you mentioned this!
My occupation is, you see,
A psychic specialist!

"Tomorrow I am speaking at
Your local civic hall,
On ghosts and eerie things like that,
You're welcome, guys, to call!"

Well, Matt and I, we went off on
His tractor the next day,
To see that man (his name was Ron),
Hear what he had to say.

"Has anybody seen a ghost?"
Ron asked us right away;
And twenty hands went up, that's almost
Half the hall, I'd say.

"Wow! what a lot of hands!" yelled he,
"That is a nice surprise!
But I've another thing to ask, be
Truthful, tell no lies.

"Has anyone here touched a ghost?"
Ron ventured, "hand on heart?"
Some more went up, well three at most,
(One was the village tart).

"Wowee!" said Ron, I'm stunned
To see you've touched a heavenly host!
Now tell me true, has anyone
Here made love to a ghost?"

Then from the back, one voice came strong,
"Yes me! Oi have!" Matt cried.
"You've made love to a ghost?" gasped Ron,
"Wow! ... no word of a lie?"

Matt mumbled, "Wait a minute sir,
Er... did ye say "a ghost?
Oi beg your pardon, oi misheard,
... Oi thought ye said 'a goat'!"

LONG CATEGORY, August 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The young female teacher asked her class of kids: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Freddy Perry was the first to answer: "Gee Miss, I wanna be a billionaire and go to the most expensive clubs. I want to take the best bitch, give her a shiny new Ferrari worth half a million bucks, and an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, her own private jet to travel through Europe and the rest of the world, give her a Platinum Mastercard, and make love to her three times every goddamn day."

The teacher was thoroughly shocked by Little Freddy's dreadful behaviour but, not knowing what to do about this, she decided to ignore his answer and continue with the rest of the class.

"And what do you want to do, Keeley?" she said to a young girl at the back of the room.

“I wanna be Little Freddy’s bitch!”
=

A seven-year old boy and his five-year old little brother were in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" articulated the older child, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The younger boy laughed excitedly in approval.

"Right, when we go down for breakfast I am gonna swear first, then you can swear right after me."

"Wow, ok!" said the five-year old.

Later, as they sat at the breakfast table, their mother came in and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted.

"Why, shit mum, I'll just have some darn Coco Pops," he said.

THWACK!! came the instant response. The lad flew out of his chair, crashed to the floor, then got up and ran upstairs sobbing.

The mother glared at the five-year old and said in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want to eat, young man?"

"I dunno," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with: OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
'If you got a tooth, you got a friend.'
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time - I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
'Two amalgam,' he'll say, 'for in there.'

How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2015:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"We receive three educations:
one from our parents, one from our schoolmaster, and one from the world.
The third contradicts all that the first two teach us." -Baron de Montesquieu
=
Fine comment, sir, but one error:
Mum 'n' Dad teach us love; school teaches us to to read and write; the world teaches terror, fear, confrontation.
The former two equip us to handle this.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2015:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
GOLDFINGER
Sung by
Shirley Bassey

Goldfinger
He's the man, the man with the Midas touch
A spider's touch
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don't go in

Golden words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what you fear
For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her
It's the kiss of death from

Mister Goldfinger
Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold
This heart is cold

Golden words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what you fear
For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her
It's the kiss of death from

Mister Goldfinger
Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold
This heart is cold

He loves only gold
Only gold
He loves gold
He loves only gold
Only gold
He loves gold


=

GREENFINGERS
Reg 'The Spade-Digger' Todd (Licensed to grow!)

Greenfingers,
He's the guy, the guy with the grower's touch,
A sower's touch.
With his soiled finger
He'll beckon you down to his garden shed,
Don't be misled!

For he doesn't dig you, it's all talk,
All he digs is the earth with a fork,
When he tempts hopeful girls to his bed, it's
A bed of flowers...

Of Mr. Greenfingers,
Sorry, girl, in his world the borders rule,
So don't be fooled!

Though you think it's a budding romance,
He cares more about slugs on his plants,
And lady, you'll only stand half a chance
If you've got worms - forget

Him! Don't linger,
Back off girl, gosh why fool yourself with lies?
His sap won't rise!

He digs only soil
Velvet soil
Lovely soil
Dark, dark soil
He digs soil.

Table of All-Time Winners


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