Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Let me taste your ware."

Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Show me first your penny."
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Indeed I have not any."

Simple Simon went a-fishing,
For to catch a whale.
But all the water he had got,
Was in his mother's pail.

Simple Simon went to look,
If plums grew on a thistle.
He pricked his fingers very much,
Which made poor Simon whistle.

He went for water in a sieve,
But soon it all fell through.
And now poor Simple Simon
Bids you all adieu.

Simple Simon met a playmate:
- A gay pimp in a Soho bar.
Said the poofter unto Simon:
"Tell me dear, you ARE!"

Simon went unto the man,
"Well, first show me your prick."
"Wow!" gasped Simon, as he whipped it out,
"I'm free! I'm free! Nice 'n' thick!"

Simon gripped his penis,
He aimed it in his mouth.
And within half a moment,
Simon's trousers, they head south.

In... out... in... out,
Phew! All night will they claim pole.
Heaving, and arse-cleaving,
In a vile shitehole.

Simon went for some tests,
Limp of wrist and nob.
Farewell, poor little Simon,
Aw, shame! (He's got AIDS... sob!)

I Like Chinese, by Monty Python

The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing and it's senseless, and that's why...

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly,
And they're ready to please.

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese.
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today.
You'd better learn to like them; that's what I say.
I like Chinese,
I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly,
And they're ready to please.

I like Chinese food,
The waiters never are rude.
Think of the many things they've done to impress.
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess.

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.
So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty,
And they're ready to please.

All together!
Wo ai zhongguo ren (I like Chinese)
Wo ai zhongguo ren (I like Chinese)
Wo ai zhongguo ren (I like Chinese)
Ni hao ma, ni hao ma, ni hao ma, zaijien!
(How are you, how are you, how are you, goodbye!)

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees...

I like chinkies, with their takeaways,
Laundries, yo-yo's, the green tea.
I like Chinese so very much,
To Hong Kong they are welcome, see.

I like Chinese, their paddy fields,
Their noodles, and their rice.
Chairman Mao's Little Red Book,
Is indeed really rather nice!

I adore the Chinese way of life,
They're not like the Japanese at all.
I like Chinese architecture,
- You should see their bloody great wall!

I like the ancient terracotta soldiers,
- Seen in union is the Chinese history.
I used to like Minge vases,
Until I learnt there was no 'E'.

The Chinese keep their Chins up,
(Here, I see two Wongs DO make a night!)
'Though YOU mightn't give a Peking duck,
By me, oh, they're alright.

I like weeny, half-pint-size tiddlywinks,
The yellow hue, the slitty eyes.
With row-upon-row of tiny shining pricks,
You see, they like to acupuncturize.

I see Deng, I see Zemin, I see Chiang Kai-Shek,
I see their lovely shiny hair.
I see sleazy athletes high on steroids,
I see lion and dragon kites high in the air.

Oh, I like Oriental foreign policy:
- U.S. planes in their fly-zone, they confiscate.
I like the Chinese inscrutability,
Hey! How water-torture is great!

Oh yes, I mean, I like the Communists,
On the Tiananmen tanks indeed I'm mad.
I mean, the Chinese keep Tibet in order,
Hey, they can't be all that bad!

Yes, you will love, if you're a masochist,
(Oh, human rights can go to hell!),
A 'Chinese burn' to hurt your wrist,
Zero-tolerance of dissidents is swell.

Hey, you Chinese! Hey, you Yankee enemies!
You don't even on one thing see eye-to-eye.
Hey guys! I'd like world peace and unity soon,
And indeed, not get blown sky high.

Mambo No 5 - Lou Bega

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mambo No. 5...

One, two, three, four, five,
Everybody's in the car, so come on - let's ride,
To the liqueur store around the corner,
The boys say they want some gin and juice,
But I really don't wanna beerbust like I had last week.
I must stay deep, because talk is cheap.
I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita,
And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter!

So what can I do? I really beg you my Lord,
To me flirting, it's just like sport, anything fly.
It's all good, let me dump it, please set in the trumpet!

A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Erica by my side.
A little bit of Rita is all I need,
A little bit of Tina is what I see.
A little bit of Sandra in the sun,
A little bit of Mary all night long.
A little bit of Jessica here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!

...Mambo No.5!

Jump up and down, go and move it all around,
Shake your head to the sound, put your hand on the ground.
Take one step left, and one step right,
One to the front, and one to the side.
Clap your hands once, and clap your hands twice,
And if it looks like this, then you're doing it right!

A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Erica by my side.
A little bit of Rita is all I need,
A little bit of Tina is what I see.
A little bit of Sandra in the sun,
A little bit of Mary all night long.
A little bit of Jessica here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!

Trumpet! The trumpet!
...Mambo No.5!

A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Erica by my side.
A little bit of Rita is all I need,
A little bit of Tina is what I see.
A little bit of Sandra in the sun,
A little bit of Mary all night long.
A little bit of Jessica here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!

I do all to,
Fall in love with a girl like you.
You can't run, and you can't hide,
You and me gonna touch the sky!

A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Erica by my side.
A little bit of Rita is all I need,
A little bit of Tina is what I see.
A little bit of Sandra in the sun,
A little bit of Mary all night long.
A little bit of Jessica here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!

Grambo No. 5 - David Bourke

Hey, if you please, ladies, gentlemen, Mick...
This is 'Grambo No. 5'.
Yo! Check it out!

I said a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four...
Everyone in Alt.Anagrams, let's do it some more!
Pile up those letters - please don't act shy,
You see, you and I'll just crunch ASCII.

A little bit of Larry Brash in my life,
A bit of Richard Grantham by my side.
Initially, I.D. Letterman is all I need,
A little bit of Mey Kraus is what I see.
A little bit of Janet M in the sun,
A little bit of Janet B all night long.
A little bit of Mick Tully, here I am,
A little bit of A.G. makes me your man!

...Grambo No. 5! Outta sight!

You scroll up and down, each try to win, to quite astound,
Shuffle letters left and right, you toss them all around.
You balance vowels and consonants, you slot them in tight,
- If it ends in a Nom, you're doing it right!

A little bit of Dan and Don in my life,
A little bit of Jon Gearhart by my side.
A little bit of Richard Brodie is all I need,
A little bit of Tom Myers is what I see.
A little bit of Art Day in the sun,
A little bit of Linda all night long.
A little bit of Martin Rand, here I am,
A bit of cut-and-paste makes me your man!

Hey! I need to call in the Checker! John Morahan!
It's Grambo No. 5!
Come on! Let it out! Put it about a bit!

With usual aptitude, attitude, belief, determination,
You can attain a complete state of top-to-toe elation.
Compose a tidy little masterpiece, post it in,
An award you can attain, you see - I bet you too may win!

A little bit of Wayne Baisley in my life,
A little bit of Graham Perkins by my side.
A bit of William Tunstall-Pedoe is all I need,
A little bit of Onno is what I see.
A little bit of Adrian Hickford in the sun,
A little bit of Kevin Hale all night long.
A bit of Ernesto Guiraldes, here I am,
See, a little daily joy makes me your man!

A little bit of Whitney in my life,
A little bit of Burning Elk by my side.
A little bit of Mike Keith is all I need,
A little bit of Earle Jones is what I see.
A little bit of Ulf Lunde in the sun,
A little bit of Rick Rothstein all night long.
A bit of Daniel Etter (at peace), sad I am,
Finally, some me? See, I'm your man!

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