Poisoning Pigeons In The Park
Tom Lehrer
Spring is here, ah-spah-ring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do. Don't you?
'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me...
All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide...
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.
So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment...
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon
(It just takes a smidgin)
To poison a pigeon in the park!
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A Weekly Entertainment
An ode arranged by Dick "Trigger Happy" Cheney and the Smoking Guns
It's hunting time! It's hunting time!
An airborne grouse and a gun sublime!
Yes, I must say - on weekends, I'm fond of one keen little hunt. A lot. You're not?
Go get shot!
You see, only some stooge won't admire it
And this shadowy wish which inspires it:
On my weekend retreats
I feel eerily sweet
When I pepper my pal in the face.
No impaired quails in flight
Would evoke this delight
As I pepper my pal in the face.
When those buckshots go in, they are sure to make quite a dent
But those are the risks when one hunts with Vice Presidents...
Even oil rigs or drills
Are no match to the thrills
When I pepper my pal in the face.
Well, I smoothly aspire
To feign a misfire,
But really aim higher
At his head.
And if he expires,
And someone inquires,
I'd long be retired
Or already dead.
So why go on this gun-toting journey
Without bagging me an attorney?
Come by next time, you may
View an awesome display
Of me, peppering our pals in the face.
Oh, we'd have tons of fun
And perhaps gun down nuns
While we pepper our pals in the face.
All week long I spook international terrorists
So how truly important one tiniest error is?
Yes, even Dick Nixon
Was getting his kicks on
One peppering diet -
Oh, ain't it a riot
To pepper my pals in the face!
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