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Hotel California
by The Eagles
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be heaven or this could be hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the captain,
"Please bring me my wine"
He said, "we haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said "we are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax," said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave!"
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Cleavage Academic
by Mike Torr
On my thirtieth birthday, rhythmic noise in my car
Warm water to wet me, fat dying cigar
Now atop the cathedral sat a Rajah so fine
I whistled sheepishly and turfed my ride
I had to try the divine
There she filthily chuckled
I saw the horrid hair
And I was fretting to myself
Do I lower the chin or just stare?
Then she pulled out a mincer and she dragged me away
There were bookshelves on this honeymoon
I saw the titles say...
Welcome to the cleavage academic
Such a streamlined rack
Such a hefty snack
Plenty of thrill in the cleavage academic
Any time of night, you can reignite
Her love is bitterly splintered, she got the poisonous beaux
She got a lot of idle willing youths, she calls slow
How they heave in the outhouse, vile summer pain
Some heave bits of pancake, some empty their brain
So I called in the bellhop
"May I please scope the bar?"
He said, "We haven't oiled an inn rant here since profit arrived from afar"
And still those titles prolong the indefinite day
In the library I scan the shelf
Just to see them say...
Welcome to the cleavage academic
Such a streamlined rack
Such a hefty snack
Good lying tonight on the cleavage academic
What a mock perfume, for a bride or groom
Hellfire for the foxhound
The lettering is mute
And she said, "We are all impertinent here, and we're pissed as a newt"
And in the hopscotch howling
They imply the cocoon
They yodel with their foreign friends
But they fail to hold a tune
Last thing I remember, I was sprinting manfully
I had to stretch the stubbornness
To defer the agony
"Hoorah!" said the housewives
"We are insane but agree.
You can whimper as you twitch your bowels
But you can never pee..."
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