These American politicians =
Parasitical men, i.e., no ethics.

The George Lucas Star Wars motion pictures =
A trim Han Solo rescues target groups twice!

Italian captain Francesco Schettino =
Fatal inaction in catastrophic scene.

Santorum =
Mr. USA? NOT!

Yosemite National Park, CA =
On a trail to many ice peaks.

Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. [Bill Vaughn]
=
Old age is when you go to a 'how-cheerful-but-damn-noisy' New Year's Eve party, and you're wheeled out STILL ALIVE!

Oh, this symptom I've here?
Be swiftly fit 'cos I fear
If ills all so severe,
The end 'twas near!

GOD'S TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS *
1. Have a Little Talk with the Tea Party
2. Be Nicer
3. Go Back and Get My Master's Degree Online
4. Occupy Hades
5. Spend More Time With Family
6. Deal With My Twitter Addiction
7. Set Realistic Goals and Take Reasonable Steps To Meet Them
8. Do My Bit to Help the Environment
9. Consult with Steve Jobs
10. Negotiate with the Mayans

=

1. Attest they know where I stand. Gently castigate them.
2. Attempt to work on my Wrath.
3. I might teach in College.
4. Inspired by the Arab Spring, time to reclaim Hell.
5. Daddy to bond with Boy Jesus.
6. I've got Einstein, Aristotle, Apostles et al in Heaven.
7. Systematise "World Peace" system.
8. Keep "Havoc on Nature" abatement.
9. Meet IT's iCloud man.
10. Set "End of the World."

NEW YEAR'S POEM
By Margaret Avison

Ménage à trois =
i.e. Great moans!

Short and sweet =
That word sense.

Coverage of the London Olympic Games =
Glad of money, TV companies cheer logo.

An idiot manages to capsize that cruise liner =
Rome's Italian Guard seize Captain Schettino.

Francesco Schettino =
Fronts chaotic scene.

The State of California =
Arnie is the fat cat fool.

Slainte to the many Scots all over the world going to a traditional Burns Night supper on the twenty-fifth of January.
=
Very jocular affair in dingy north. Not only haggis with neeps n tatties, but then that lot on to slurp a lot of wee drams!

Fatty was fifty,
Her love's passed before;
I shall visit his shrine
Till we meet once more.

Oh, The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men;
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half-way up,
They were neither up nor down.

=

Not enough thought went into the plot of the nursery rhyme war.
How can we deny the fact you knew not at the midway path whether people needed to walk forward or run home harder?

Why deny he led when unhappy, when muddled; and we hear he hid when he heeded an enemy.

"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em..."

Simple delights =
Smelled pig shit.

American politics =
Race implications.

The Kardashian sisters =
Shrink their asses a tad!

The cruise liner the Costa Concordia =
A hole occurred... Schettino is a cretin!

Katherine Heigl =
A "ten"? Like, higher!

The Greek island of Lesbos (Mytilini) =
The girls' aim's "definitely no blokes!"

Jean-Claude Mas, the president of Poly Implant Prothèse
=
Once-phenomenal pert tits are, alas, just floppy...he did 'em!

Will I to Heaven arise?
Simply fear the worst?
As I confess to myself,
The Devil, he be first!

Happy birthday Kate! As the Duchess of Cambridge turns 30, FEMAIL brings you 30 facts about our future queen.

Lesbian porno ‡
Lips on a boner.

Actions speak louder than words =
So, talk - it has produced no answer.

The amateur guitarists =
It's thus I get ear trauma.

The horrendous death drama in Italy =
That's another dream holiday ruined.

The Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia =
I could hear Captain Schettino's "Ciao!", sir.

Now I'm ready to leave its cheap frivolity
Farewell selfishness - this is the best for me.

Their golden wedding anniversary celebrations =
Will grandad's erection ever be inside hot granny?

Worthiness ~
wins others.

"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" =
Good treat other than "Twilight".

Woman "marries" a building to protest its demolition =
Girl submits a prim, "I do" to old inanimate stone tower.

US Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney =
Me? A manicured, presentable, idiotic industry plant.

The Unspecified category =
Need its page if they occur.

Court frees Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim
=
Familiar point: obscure sodomy laws are a pain in the rear.

Christ, hoist Otto Fife, my lawyer, over Heaven's wall,
If St. Peter feels he's inadmissible.

Top Ten Predictions From Edgar Cayce
10 Bimini Road and Atlantis
9 Death of Two Presidents
8 Collapse of Soviet Union
7 Stock Market Crash and Great Depression
6 Revolutions in Foreign Lands
5 Rise and Fall of Adolph Hitler
4 Jews Returning to Israel
3 Alliance Between the US and Russia
2 Shift of the Earth's Poles
1 His Own Death

=

10 Factor that killed an island: laser crystal use
9 Great ones (guess who?) did not survive strife between capital and labor
8 Freedom and justice won
7 Deep focal hardships
6 Confrontations on other continents
5 War ended his harsh reign
4 Anti-Semitism in Europe
3 Flipflop - loathing to allies
2 NASA reports it
1 He died of a stroke

A Spring Sonnet
by Arthur Henry James

That odd rascal speeds in his canoe =
Has paddled across the oceans in it.

Short station break ~
aborts another skit.

American football =
To me, a banal frolic.

Haunted boneyard =
An unearthed body.

'War Horse', a new Steven Spielberg movie =
Weep, observing where animal's to serve.

The Italian Captain, Francesco Schettino =
Hopeless in that craft ... an oceanic 'Titanic'.

An Aston Martin DBS, Carbon Edition =
Car name: a brand Bond's into, is it not?

MOTHER
Love halts cries of infant; swiftly time flies...
Holy, sweet as ever, she abides.

RIP

The online store =
Role is on the 'Net.

The romantic movie "New Year's Eve" =
"Everyone's in it! What came over me?"

English Wikipedia's Blackout =
Idea will thus be kicking SOPA.

Apple's store chain =
I scan laptops here.

Route plan =
Tour Nepal.

The movie "American Psycho" =
"My vice here is to chop a man."

United States Marine Corps =
Its men urinated at corpses.

USA actor Christopher Allen Lloyd =
So, I'll launch three "Doc" portrayals.

The Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal =
A lucid free climber reached top of planet.

IDI AMIN
He is the worst evil Africa's sons felt
Yes, we prefer filthy beast's move to hell!

The Italians' famous driving style =
Note: I am alluding this is very fast.

Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan =
Old nigger-nut person hijacked a nation.

Here lies Larry Brash.
Life went in a flash.
To clip time he devotes,
So, we miss fifty votes.

Those hot girls competing in beauty contests ~
must be strictly photogenic to shine on stage!

Oldest dinosaur nest site found =
Fossils in stone turned out dead!

Duchess of Cambridge to be a Scout leader as well as patron of four charities.
=
Guaranteed a boss, she's a fair-faced cool bit of crumpet! Scouts will adore her!

"Memories Past Sweetheart, Vera Lynn, is I
Of sites, shall by the White Cliffs of Dover lie"

The scrum is an orderly formation of Rugby players =
Array of dirty, farting-prone, sore smelly bums! OUCH!

The menus for vegetarians =
Never get us meat, nor a fish!

Mad genius Dr. No =
Dangerous mind!

Israel's relations with Iran =
So war is near, still in the air...

The American writer Theodor Seuss Geisel =
Real tongue twisters cheer me, so I read his!

The McDonalds Filet-O-Fish =
That fiendish smell of cod!

Simplified Commandments:

- One God.
- No idols.
- Honor His name, the Sabbath and your parents.
- Don't kill, cheat, steal, lie or covet.
=
Online Code:

- Honor all porn.
- Share LOLCats.
- Bid on dumb trash.
- See a mad video and comment on it.
- tyep somethign fast
- 'Like' this!!!

Pretty festive shrine,
It is for this dame
As she is below it, whole -
France's lovely flame.

How's Your Logic? Take a few minutes to study these riddles carefully:

1. They found the missing stripper swinging from the high ceiling in one cheap hotel room in Albania. The spacious room was totally empty except for one round puddle of water under her, and it was locked from the inside! Explain the oddity there.

2. The inmate lies dead in the coldest night of the month in one Polish interment facility. He is locked in and there is one mighty entry wound in his wet chest, but no one in this place or in the area did it. How could it be?

3. When I was going to Telluride, I met this guy with seven brides. Each of the brides had seven cats, each of the cats had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, my pal, those brides - how many are there in Telluride?

4. Dotty is having a party tomorrow and has to borrow a cup of sugar from a guy living upstairs - plus half of this total amount that Dotty is taking. Dotty finally brings back two cups of sugar. What's missing?

=

I suppose most of you weren't baffled and easily guessed the answers, as these stories are universally known... But it takes a special sort of brain to find the hidden flaws and twists secretly lurking within the enigmas:

1. Okay, from past experience, I guess that the thing which boggles the mind is a scruffy hotel in Albania having a big room that locks from the inside.

2. Why would the dead body seem odd at all, and why doubt the innocent people in that particular facility? You must have skipped a letter. Reading this riddle again might be of help.

3. As of now? Approximately twenty-five hundred, according to a recent population survey.

4. The letter E is missing.

[From Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story collection 'The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes':

"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
"That was the curious incident."]

Inspired by the 2012 doomsday predictions, Longfellow's poem January from 'The Poet's Calendar' is anagrammed into an ominous poem with a bleak word for an acrostic.

A mature broad has a fine chest... =
It's a darn shame about her face!

71% of women usually do think their asses are damn big ~
but 17%, if so asked, would nonetheless marry him again!

Alas, I'm no ~
Mona Lisa.

1. Romney
2. Santorum
3. Gingrich
4. Paul
5. Perry
6. Bachmann =
1. Inhuman
2. Creepy
3. Grumpy
4. Boring
5. Charlatan
6. Mrs. "No!"

British scientist Stephen William Hawking =
Knew spacetime with his brilliant insights.

Stop Online Piracy Act =
Potential conspiracy?

The Superior called the sisters together informing them in dismay, "And, as of now, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!"
=
"Yes! Praise Heaven!" sang a nun coming over to the front of the room as she cheered, "We're so tired of swilling that damn Chianti!"

To a lawyer, this leper left over last wishes:
Entomb him in fifty five casserole dishes.

Twelve young priests were going to be ordained into the order. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a blond big-breasted model danced nude before them.

First, all the priests had small bells attached to their penises. Then they were told that anyone whose bell so much as tinkles while the model pranced in front of them wasn't going to be ordained, because he hadn't reached a state of spiritual purity.

=

So, the nubile amorous model danced heatedly before the first candidate without any reaction at all. As she went down the line, the same response was repeated from all the priests until she got to the remaining priest.

As she danced by, his bell began to ring so loudly indeed that it flew clattering away to the ground. Mortified, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

When behind him, all the other bells started to ring.

On My Thirty-Third Birthday,
January 22, 1821 - a poem by Lord Byron

Threesomes =
Hetero mess!

Who weeps for the state of Hellas?
Its firms fail, so heavily in debt
In cemetery slivers.

A lot of sins, hence... ~
the Confessional.

The United States Marine Corps soldiers =
Crude lads start to piss on their enemies.

Lesbian pornography =
A happy girl (no boners).

The People's Choice Awards =
Hipster accolades, we hope.

Florida's Republican primary =
I dump rally, brace for aspirin.

Comedian Ricky Gervais =
Mockery is a daring vice.

A Fat Worthless Tomb:

I say a writer never dies,
He effectively loses himself in his plot.

Anagram techniques =
Q meant searching a U.

The Syrian government =
No amnesty, never! Right!

GOP Candidate Mitt Romney? =
A party committee nodding.

The Vatican Necropolis - St. Peter's Basilica, Rome =
Scavi claim: earliest pope's bones on their tract.

The Minnesota Study of Identical Twins Raised Apart
=
Adopted in infancy, it seems two share in adult traits.

I've always been selfish;
So I'm sad, left to rot.
I never was perfect;
My, this hellfire is hot!

All the Republican Candidates to be included in the Iowa Republican Caucus on Tuesday:
1. Michele Bachmann
2. Herman Cain
3. Newt Gingrich
4. Jon Huntsman
5. Ron Paul
6. Rick Perry
7. Buddy Roemer
8. Mitt Romney
9. Rick Santorum
Possible write-in candidates:
10. Sarah Palin
11. Donald Trump

=

1. Stupid erring bitch
2. Chump dropped out (due to unmanly harassment)
3. Displaced own brides
4. Rich leader in UT
5. Crackpot libertarian, he'd decriminalise cannabis
6. Intent: ban gay men in US army
7. Who?!
8. Rich Mormon
9. Anal lube/crap (cruel in-joke)
10. Dunce, lunatic
11. Wealthy man, a snot

Disorganized speech, delusions, hallucinations =
Alludes to a schizophrenic son in denial, I'd guess?

The TV period drama series 'Downton Abbey' =
New, British-bred soap many are devoted to!

Commandos have rescued pirate hostages in Somalia =
Go! As macho marines set loose aid-captives... unharmed!

Chat-show host Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan =
Smug, hot-air chap; often presents hogwash.

European Convention on Human Rights =
"Championing a truth?"
"No."
"No nerve?"
"No use!"

Treated my wife Susanna to this posh fish pedicure the other day. Well, brothers, I must say, I
~
am truly impressed with the result I saw! Yes siree! Those piranha fish don't f*c* about do they!

THE IRISH DENTIST

Somewhere below
Safe in repose
M. F. O'Flavertey
Fills his last cavity.

THE HOTTEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME.
(As voted by 'Men's Health' magazine)

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Raquel Welch
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Britney Spears
5. Madonna
6. Ursula Andress
7. Bettie Page
8. Pamela Anderson
9. Jane Fonda
10. Angelina Jolie
11. Sharon Stone
12. Scarlett Johansson
13. Catherine Deneuve
14. Megan Fox
15. Jenny McCarthy
16. Christie Brinkley
17. Anna Nicole Smith
18. Shakira
19. Heather Locklear
20. Heidi Klum

=

1. Because she's worth it!
2. A caveman's moll
3. The blonde gentlemen preferred
4. A little nuts?
5. Like a virgin? Er... no
6. Left James Bond shaken and stirred
7. Oh... Huh?
8. Inane Amazon
9. aka 'Hanoi Jane'
10. "My enemy!" (Jennifer Aniston)
11. Basically horny
12. A Manhattan starlet
13. French icon
14. Comely and American
15. - ditto -
16. Joel's uptown girl
17. Late American heiress
18. Ah, sexy hips!
19. On 'T. J. Hooker'
20. 'Seal's German queen

THE CURRY CONTEST

A STRANGE WILD SONG
By Lewis Carroll

The rectal suppository for constipation =
I post up arse
I clench
I try not to fart...
Oops! :-(

Absolution =
Obtain soul.

The Oscar nominee =
Notice hero's name.

Italy cruise ship 'Costa Concordia' =
Chaos, corpses, a loud cry. Titanic II?

Mostafa Ahmadi Roshan =
Atom of Iran had a smash.

Tournament of Roses Parade =
Return to Pasadena, for some.

1. Whiffle
2. Spanghew
3. Axinomancy
4. Breeches Part
5. Poltophagy
6. Lipogram
7. Crowkeeper
8. Gyascutus
9. Hapax Legomenon
10. Mytacism
=
1. Flapping noise
2. "Away, frog!"
3. Hatchet-expert
4. Gal as guy
5. Champ!
6. Skip E ("A raw mixup")
7. No crows cheep
8. Beastly ogre
9. Only once
10. "Hmmm..."

Mr Penis, ~
spermin'.