Adie Pena

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

Showing the side-by-side double acrostic: HAPPY NEW YEAR and AULD LANG SYNE

JANUARY MORN
Nelda Hartmann

Bare branches of each tree
on this chilly January morn
look so cold so forlorn.
Gray skies dip ever so low
left from yesterday's dusting of snow.
Yet in the heart of each tree
waiting for each who wait to see
new life as warm sun and breeze will blow,
like magic, unlock springs sap to flow,
buds, new leaves, then blooms will grow.

CRASH DIETS

Now show me the fat sHAdow,
Numbers off the scale AUgur.
Order cooks can never comPLain,
I'm a screwed uP Doer!
Ineffable horror is mY Look;
Whale blubber's more thaN A ton!
Jelly roll sins, Twinkie offENces?
Holiday warrants are noW Gone!
Gazing into a bowl of crYStal,
Will serve nothing thEY say...
Jello fillings or steak waNTed?
We now must REpay!

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SINCE MY VALENTINE GOT A COMPUTER
By Joanna Fuchs

Since my Valentine got a computer
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important
Unless it's a byte or a bit.

Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we can't talk
Unless we both go online.

"But honey," I said, "I'm attached to you;
Love is what I feel."
"That keyword isn't relevant,"
She said, with eyes of steel.

She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:

"Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU."

"Don't flame me, my sweet," I pleaded.
"Not on Valentine's Day."
"Fix the bugs, and I'll see," she said,
While looking at me with dismay.

"What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
I'll upload or download anything,
And then I'll go install it."

(Her hostile CD keeps replaying,
And though I don't want to fight her,
Is this what I want for a Valentine?
I've been burned; can I rewrite her?)

"Are you all hard drive now," I asked
"Is there no software in you?
Don't you remember the good times?
Let our memories see us through."

"LOL," she said to me, chuckling.
"You're nothing but adware.
"I've got four gigs of memory;
I've got no problem there."

"Please, honey, we can save it," I said.
"Our love means more than that."
"That's not in my cache; we're going to crash,"
She said, as she turned me down flat.

(This woman has really changed;
Do I really want to chase her?
More and more I'm thinking
It might be nice to erase her.)

"Aw, honey, don't talk like that," I said.
"Can't we just plug and play?
I hereby accept default,
And I'm yours, my love, come what may.

My goal is to make you happy;
I want to be your portal,
But your sudden, distant coldness
Would test the strongest mortal.

If we need a brand new interface,
So we can FTP,
I'm your go along, get along guy,
And I want you to stay with me."

"If you want to get into my favorites," she said,
And you want to get past my encryption,
If you want to get through my firewall,
Here is my only prescription."

"First, put up your own Web site,
And e-mail me when it's done.
I'll check your page rank with Google,
And tell you if you're the one."

My life has become a real trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.
If I want her to care about me again,
I guess I'll have to reboot her.

AN ENTERTAINING NAUGHTY FORWARD FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB LITERATI

Here's a humorous, touching story
This person can never forget.
It made the rounds many years ago
Out there on the internet.

About a little boy, he goes to his Pa
One unusual September morn
And halfheartedly asks, "Daddy,
Can you tell me how was I born?"

The father instinctively answers,
"Well, son, I guess one day
No matter how I try to conceal it,
You will need to find out anyway!

"Here is how we first met,
Your gorgeous Momma and tumid I.
It was a slow, sleepy evening
In the glorious month of July.

"She was sufficiently bored
And I had nothing to do
So we both got together
In a chat room on Yahoo.

"I kinda liked the vivacity in her,
She kinda liked the spirit in me
She sent a soothing smile, I sent a wink;
We had to meet eventually.

"I sent her a comic, funny photo
From my trusty point-and-shoot.
She sent me a jpeg attachment,
Oh, she was so fairly cute!

"I was a lonely individual, okay?
She was eighteen, a single female.
So we inspiringly set up a date
Via Google's noteworthy Gmail.

"The following free week break
On a muggy, hot-air Tuesday
We agreed to see each other
There at a nearby cyber-cafe.

"As soon as I saw her keyboard
My interactive heart went boom!
As she grabbed my animated mouse,
We snuck into an unoccupied room.

"My pulse was beating faster,
I felt luckily great to be alive
When your mother gigglingly agreed
To a download from my hard drive.

"I thought my biggest problem
Would be the power supply;
A dead useless battery
Would've just made me cry!

"Though that wasn't a worry
As my adrenalin unflinchingly flowed
But a fear came over panicky me
As soon as I was ready to upload.

"Of all the critical things that we
Unthinkingly forgot to install!
We discovered that neither one of us
Oh, no! -- had used a firewall!

"Situationally, it was good as done;
Incipiently almost complete
And terribly too late to circuitously
Hit the button DELETE.

"I then was the most impatient
Dummy you have ever seen;
Continuously every hour every day
I'd check my blank screen.

"The excitement increased
As the big happy day neared
And nine long months later, wow!
A little pop-up appeared..."

And the lovely, honeymoon ending
To this modern fictitious tale
Is the intriguingly clever punchline
"YOU GOT MALE!"

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BERNIE MADE OFF WITH MY MONEY*
by Eline Magliaro

Sing a song of sixpence.
That's all that I have left!
Bernie stole my money.
Now I'm broke, bummed out, bereft.

He made off with my nest egg.
He had a lot of gall.
He made off with my peace of mind.
He took my wherewithal.

He made off with a lot of dough.
Did not invest one cent!
Let's dress him up in sackcloth...
Make him kneel down and repent.

Let's curse this smarmy scumbag
Who swindled friends and neighbors
Of all their hard-earned savings
And the fruits of their long labors.

Let's send him off to prison.
Let's Sing Sing a song of jail
And pray this Ponzi schemer's
Never out again on bail.

Uh-oh, an engaging former stock broker in jail?!

Who? My flimflamming Bernard Lawrence Madoff!

The offence? Hmm, my 'Bernie,' the admitted operator of what has been described as the largest Ponzi scheme in history, making his wealth management business downtown into a massive scheme that defrauded thousands of bellyflopping investors of billions of dollars!

Hmm, hope's foggy... his behaving sons told authorities that their father had knowingly confessed to them it was all "one big lie." My "King Madoff" pleaded guilty to eleven felonies. He was sentenced to one hundred fifty years in prison, the maximum allowed!

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WATERS OF MARCH

A stick, a stone,
It's the end of the road,
It's the rest of a stump,
It's a little alone

It's a sliver of glass,
It is life, it's the sun,
It is night, it is death,
It's a trap, it's a gun

The oak when it blooms,
A fox in the brush,
A knot in the wood,
The song of a thrush

The wood of the wind,
A cliff, a fall,
A scratch, a lump,
It is nothing at all

It's the wind blowing free,
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope

And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
The joy in your heart

The foot, the ground,
The flesh and the bone,
The beat of the road,
A slingshot's stone

A fish, a flash,
A silvery glow,
A fight, a bet,
The range of a bow

The bed of the well,
The end of the line,
The dismay in the face,
It's a loss, it's a find

A spear, a spike,
A point, a nail,
A drip, a drop,
The end of the tale

A truckload of bricks
in the soft morning light,
The shot of a gun
in the dead of the night

A mile, a must,
A thrust, a bump,
It's a girl, it's a rhyme,
It's a cold, it's the mumps

The plan of the house,
The body in bed,
And the car that got stuck,
It's the mud, it's the mud

Afloat, adrift,
A flight, a wing,
A hawk, a quail,
The promise of spring

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the promise of life
It's the joy in your heart

A stick, a stone,
It's the end of the road
It's the rest of a stump,
It's a little alone

A snake, a stick,
It is John, it is Joe,
It's a thorn in your hand
and a cut in your toe

A point, a grain,
A bee, a bite,
A blink, a buzzard,
A sudden stroke of night

A pin, a needle,
A sting, a pain,
A snail, a riddle,
A wasp, a stain

A pass in the mountains,
A horse and a mule,
In the distance the shelves
rode three shadows of blue

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the promise of life
in your heart, in your heart

A stick, a stone,
The end of the road,
The rest of a stump,
A lonesome road

A sliver of glass,
A life, the sun,
A knife, a death,
The end of the run

And the riverbank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of all strain,
It's the joy in your heart.

MASTER OF SONG
(And it is a long one!)

A streak, a stroke,
It's the skill of the rhyme.
It's the blush of a love,
Had a wonderful time!

It's an echo of old,
And it's loud, it's the drum,
It's a bang, it's a roll;
It's a pluck, it's a strum.

The page when it turns,
A break in the line,
The pause in the verse,
A tale by design.

The shake of the head,
A skip, a dance,
A look, a wink,
It is modern romance.

It's the quickening pulse,
It's the beat of the bass,
It's a dash, it's a walk
It's a shot, it's a pace.

And this song from Brazil
From A. Carlos Jobim,
It's a version I made,
A tribute to him.

The stress, the shriek,
The gang and the band,
The noise of the crowd,
A splendid hand.

A nod, a nix,
A shuffling of tone,
A fifth, a flight,
The flow of a drone.

The pitch of the play,
The sway of the swing,
The fiddle in the suite,
It's a bow, it's a string.

A puff, a poof,
A scale, a note,
A strength, a stint,
The sound from the throat.

A grandness of ninths
In the lone afterglow;
The stand of the tune
In the heart of the show.

The gong, the gasp,
A riff, a lick,
It's a prank, it's a prod,
It's the truth, it's the kick!

The thrust of the steel,
The fire in me,
And the plan that I forged,
And the hole and the key.

Alive, again,
The push, the pound,
The depth, the draft,
The reason of sound.

And this work that we like
From A. Carlos Jobim
It's a version I wrote,
A tribute to him.

A tenth, a track,
It's the fun of the Glee;
It's the soft of a hush,
It's a fine melody.

A friend, a youth
It is full, it is whole,
It's a dent in your heart;
Soothed a spark in your soul.

A blast, a joy,
It's hot, a hit,
Insane and odd,
A lusty dose of wit.

A wheel, a rhythm,
A stick, a snare,
A flash, a flutter,
A blast, a blare.

The sign on the nail,
A bridge and a fret,
In the annals of life
That favorite duet!

And this ditty I love
From A. Carlos Jobim,
It's a version I made,
A tribute to him.

A halt, a rest,
The end of the score,
The hunt of a deal,
A piece I adore.

A sonnet of sense,
A splash, an air,
A snatch, a snap,
It's the pick of the pair!

Yes, this tune from Brazil
From A. Carlos Jobim,
It's a version I wrote,
A tribute to him.

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APRIL FOOL'S DAY
by Kenn Nesbitt

Mackenzie put a whoopie cushion
on the teacher's chair.
Makayla told the teacher
that a bug was in her hair.

Alyssa brought an apple
with a purple gummy worm
and gave it to the teacher
just to see if she would squirm.

Elijah left a piece of plastic
dog doo on the floor,
and Vincent put some plastic vomit
in the teacher's drawer.

Amanda put a goldfish
in the teacher's drinking glass.
These April Fool's Day pranks
are ones that you could use in class.

Before you go and try them, though,
there's something I should mention:
The teacher wasn't fooling
when she put us in detention.

HO-HO-HO! SOME FUNNY SUPPLIES
FOR THE ANAGRAMMY GUYS

To doting gentle Tony Crafter?
Some canned jovial laughter!
Technological Meyran Kraus?
View's new classic mouse!?

Huge Adie Pena?
Just maize from Kenya!
Hallucinating Andrew Brehaut?
Heehaw! That supply of pot!

Too intense Dharam Khalsa?
The table of balsa!
Philosophical Scott Gardner?
The Swahili newspaper!

The shopping Rosie Perera?
That outlandish Queen's tiara!
The shining Ellie Dent?
Genuine shoes made from cement!

Too stoical Chris Sturdy?
The authentic stuffed birdie!
Psychopathic David Bourke?
The hottest auto-dildo that won't work!

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Reading down the last word of each line in the anagram reveals the name "John Milton"

ON MAY MORNING
by John Milton

Now the bright morning Star, Day's harbinger,
Comes dancing from the East, and leads with her
The Flowery May, who from her green lap throws
The yellow Cowslip, and the pale Primrose.
Hail bounteous May that dost inspire
Mirth and youth, and warm desire,
Woods and Groves, are of thy dressing,
Hill and Dale, doth boast thy blessing.
Thus we salute thee with our early Song,
And welcome thee, and wish thee long.

TRYST AND TRAGEDY
(Most Loyal Men Love Sympathy)

There once was a strong gal named Joan
Who wanted a proper boy of her own.
In the surly Fall, she searched low and high;
In the harsh Winter, sloshed far and nigh;
In the bright Spring, wandered many a mile;
In Summer light, swam from beach to isle.
But it's terribly worst to hide a tough lie.
So no matter how hard she would try
She was the slimy unbecoming one.
So the poor odd gal ended with none.

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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