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The White Knight's Song
by Lewis Carroll
"Haddock's Eyes" or "The Aged Aged Man"
or
"Ways and Means" or "A-Sitting On A Gate"
I'll tell thee everything I can;
There's little to relate.
I saw an aged, aged man,
A-sitting on a gate.
"Who are you, aged man?" I said.
"And how is it you live?"
And his answer trickled through my head
Like water through a sieve.
He said "I look for butterflies
That sleep among the wheat;
I make them into mutton-pies,
And sell them in the street.
I sell them unto men," he said,
"Who sail on stormy seas;
And that's the way I get my bread --
A trifle, if you please."
But I was thinking of a plan
To dye one's whiskers green,
And always use so large a fan
That it could not be seen.
So, having no reply to give
To what the old man said,
I cried, "Come, tell me how you live!"
And thumped him on the head.
His accents mild took up the tale;
He said, "I go my ways,
And when I find a mountain-rill,
I set it in a blaze.
And thence they make a stuff they call
Rowland's Macassar Oil --
Yet twopence-halfpenny is all
They give me for my toil."
But I was thinking of a way
To feed oneself on batter,
And so go on from day to day
Getting a little fatter.
I shook him well from side to side,
Until his face was blue;
"Come, tell me how you live," I cried
"And what it is you do!"
He said, "I hunt for haddocks' eyes
Among the heather bright,
And work them into waistcoat-buttons
In the silent night.
And these I do not sell for gold
Or coin of silvery shine,
But for a copper halfpenny,
And that will purchase nine.
"I sometimes dig for buttered rolls,
Or set limed twigs for crabs;
I sometimes search the grassy knolls
For wheels of hansom-cabs.
And that's the way" (he gave a wink)
"By which I get my wealth --
And very gladly will I drink
Your Honor's noble health."
I heard him then, for I had just
Completed my design
To keep the Menai bridge from rust
By boiling it in wine.
I thanked him much for telling me
The way he got his wealth,
But chiefly for his wish that he
Might drink my noble health.
And now, if e'er by chance I put
My fingers into glue,
Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe,
Or if I drop upon my toe
A very heavy weight,
I weep, for it reminds me so
Of that old man I used to know --
Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow,
Whose hair was whiter than the snow,
Whose face was very like a crow
With eyes, like cinders, all aglow,
Who seemed distracted with his woe,
Who rocked his body to and fro,
And muttered mumblingly and low,
As if his mouth were full of dough,
Who snorted like a buffalo --
That summer evening long ago
A-sitting on a gate.
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Beware the Blackwood Awakening: The Song of the Blackish Haze
by Jon Gearhart [If a gag, ha!]
Every foul word I have I'll say
I'll tell what I know
About a lowly, strange black mage
I knew a few years ago
When I first set eyes on him
I knew he was no good
He said that his name was Slim
And he came from Old Blackwood
He said, "Well I am a magic man
And I'm skilled in the black arts
I take all orders straight from Say-tan
And I corrupt young foolish hearts
I don't like being questioned
On high religion or beliefs
And if I haven't mentioned
I am thick with thugs and thiefs.
"Son, you should watch your step --
Don't ya give me any grief
'Cause I'll call for demons' he'p
In any awful thing I need
Well, I've got the power to awake the dead
And put those who live to sleep
For a permanent dirt nap, friend
So I'd think before you peep."
I heard those few words he had to say
And I heeded them complete
And I thought I'd then be on my way
Before I got in too deep
I said, "So nice to meet you, sir,
I should be moving along,"
So as not to ruffle any fur
Or to rub him wrong.
He stopped me with a long cool stare
Right there in the park
He raised his arms high in the air
And his fingertips shot sparks
He yelled out his garbled words
But his speaking tweren't to me
Those incantations I then heard
Really set my heart to beat.
YEEEEEE-HAWWWWWW!!
Well his 'Ab--ra--ca--dab--ra,
Hoc-us poc-us!' goo
Filled me with the fear, I
Didn't know what to do
It seems I was held there
By Slim, that old mage
And my head was all fogged in
With some sorta blackish haze.
He made me watch those demons dance
Right off within my view
He was lost within his trance
Tweren't nothing I could do
I watched in all out horror
As off before my waking eyes
He called all his minions forward
To assist with my demise.
They all came with their hearts set
To try to ring my throat
But Slim would not let them yet
Not 'til he got my goat.
He observed all my reactions
With a sadist's glee
And to his sick satisfaction
I shouted, "Lordy, set me free!"
He gurgled away with the laughter
Of a li'l ol' child of five
Then a few moments after
He let me loose, alive.
He said, "Don't you leave yet son
This gives me lots of glee
And it won't end un-
-til I say that it's done
And I finish with my fun
And spook ya so's ya want to run
From the night into the sun
To go and get a shiny gun
And kill me with a twenty-one
Firing 'til my guts all run
From swiss cheese holes in my bung
And my clothes to me have clung
All red and sticky like your mum
When her monthly time has come
And I finally let you leave."
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