Richard Grantham

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

The Soldier, by Rupert Brooke.

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
A body of England's, breathing English air,
Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.
And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

An army sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out one night, when he sensed several hushed voices emanating from a nearby dorm. Incensed, he halted by the door, harshly grabbed the handle, flashed it open and hollered, "Listen here, rancid crap-for-brains vermin! Fully half an hour ago I said 'Good night' to the dorm. However, what the feebleminded bastard residents have to learn is this: whenever I say 'Good night' I really mean 'Please SHUT THE FUCK UP!'"
And instantly, hush fell again. But less than seven seconds later, he heard a voice somewhere off in the darkness say:
"Well, good night Sergeant."

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On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a milking,
Seven swans a swimming,
Six geese a laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtledoves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

And then Day Thirteen saw me
Prising perverted upper-class twats from oversexed girls (and pissed male musicians),
Shovelling all the vile manure from the new driveway,
Finding a mean green rash on my left ring-finger,
Viewing the damage bill,
Making a gosling omelette,
And setting up divorce suit proceedings.

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A poem by Arthur Guiterman.

ODE TO THE AMOEBA

Recall from Time's abysmal chasm
That piece of primal protoplasm
The First Amoeba, strangely splendid,
From whom we're all of us descended.
That First Amoeba, weirdly clever,
Exists today and shall forever,
Because he reproduced by fission;
He split himself, and each division
And subdivision deemed it fitting
To keep on splitting, splitting, splitting;
So, whatsoe'er their billions be,
All, all amoebas still are he.
Zoologists discern his features
In every sort of breathing creatures,
Since all of every living species,
No matter how their breed increases
Or how their ranks have been recruited,
From him alone were evoluted.
King Solomon, the Queen of Sheba
And Hoover sprang from that amoeba;
Columbus, Shakespeare, Darwin, Shelley
Derived from that same bit of jelly.
So famed is he and well-connected,
His statue ought to be erected,
For you and I and William Beebe
Are undeniably amoebae!

ODE TO A LITTLE BLOB OF SPERM

Observe the dear old sperm's ability,
Proud carrier of chaps' fertility;
He's life-bestowing, rash, gymnastic -
One feels he really is fantastic!
Imagine that! His help was needed
To render each old ovule seeded
Which finished here with you and me
And everybody else we'll see.
There's positively no disputing
That from the basic deed of rooting
A process starts that's quite excessive -
Indeed, it really is impressive
Each one of us begins this small,
Kept here in some bloke's left-hand ball!
For all chaps once were baby juice:
Voltaire, Hofstadter, Robert Bruce,
Vivaldi, Parton, Boole and Riemann
Were all derived from blobs of semen!
A monument should be created -
A manhood being masturbated
In timeless rock upon some mountain,
With everlasting milk-white fountain
Emerging in a steady stream,
Bold homage to this life-filled cream;
For Isaac, Abraham or Noah -
We're all of us spermatozoa!

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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