Richard Grantham

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

A poem by Mark Kenny.

The Ode to the Amoeba

O simple Amoeba!
How I admire the way you
sit at the bottom of the pond,
eating algae, ciliates and flagellates for your supper.

Your senses are simple:
Bright light, strong chemical solutions,
discrimination between foods.
And how I hate to see you lie still when violent shaking occurs,
withdrawing your tiny pseudopodia.

No homeostasis for you!
You rely upon the pond for all your
homeostatic needs.
And all your digestion is intracellular.

Your daughter cells,
asexually reproduced,
stay together for a while
apparently ignoring each other;
then drifting apart, they spread
out to fill the pond with amoebic glory.

The Ode to George W. Bush

O simple President!
How I applaud the way you
nap each afternoon, dreaming of
interplanetary battles and the electrocution of kitties.

Your policies are simple:
Exploit hysterical patriotism,
dishonestly gut the earth of oil,
polarise the West, estrange the East,
deem sodomy and abortion illegal without notice,
and become sheriff of the universe.

No cogitation for you!
You rely upon Donald for all your thoughts,
And all your cloth-eared opinions are short-sighted dogma.

Your microbial intellect
and highly parasitic ways
will dog us throughout the years ahead,
You brainless swamp-dwelling organism you.

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A poem by D.H. Lawrence.

PIANO

Softly, in the dusk, a woman is singing to me;
Taking me back down the vista of years, till I see
A child sitting under the piano, in the boom of the tingling strings
And pressing the small, poised feet of a mother who smiles as she sings.

In spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song
Betrays me back, till the heart of me weeps to belong
To the old Sunday evenings at home, with winter outside
And hymns in the cosy parlour, the tinkling piano our guide.

So now it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour
With the great black piano appassionato. The glamour
Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast
Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past.

Since I left home, the thing I've found myself missing the most is the piano: today I possess neither the space nor the spare moolah for a piano, and this is taking its toll. As a young kid I used to loathe practising lots of scales and endless arpeggios on the thing, obviously, but this has somehow bloomed into a fierce passion for that wonderful instrument. It can boom and yet twinkle, bite or sing, now glinting, now glowing.

None of that applied to me, mind you, I was kind of ghastly to hear. But for me there's something about making music by yourself which refreshes the spirit and makes me calm down, and I miss it greatly.

Never mind the past, I weep like a child for the piano.

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Shakespeare's 135th sonnet, anagrammed into a text that contains even more 'Will's than the original. Each of the 19 Ws in the text is attached to a 'Will': some appear plainly, some are split over words, and one is backwards. There is also a 20th 'Will' - can you find it?

Whoever hath her wish, thou hast thy will,
And 'Will' to boot, and 'Will' in over-plus,
More than enough am I that vex thee still,
To thy sweet will making addition thus.
Wilt thou whose will is large and spacious,
Not once vouchsafe to hide my will in thine?
Shall will in others seem right gracious,
And in my will no fair acceptance shine?
The sea all water, yet receives rain still,
And in abundance addeth to his store,
So thou being rich in will add to thy will
One will of mine to make thy large will more.
Let no unkind, no fair beseechers kill,
Think all but one, and me in that one 'Will'.

Will Shakespeare will not, I reckon, be honored for hatching that tacky, no-good, 'Will'-studded sonnet a hundred and thirty-five. I have a hunch that an author that will exhibit a willingness to contrive to pun on one's Christian name so willfully - thirteen times, if you will! - thinking as he will that this will somehow illuminate one's rhyme, will instead nauseate the hearer. Looking as though one has a one-milliwatt cerebrum will only brew ill-will: it's cheap, common, and - now I'll be candid - will give the audience the willies too. Leave this damned trashy swill to others!

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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