Tony Crafter

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

(HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE) MARIA
from
The Sound of Music.

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

BLEAK HOUSE



To Spain, I went on holiday,
I don't recall just where,
The village was so tiny
And the scenery so bare,
The name of it escapes me,
It was miles from anywhere,
I'd gone to seek some blissful relaxation.

The old house where I stayed was very
Small and made of stone,
It did not have a TV, no
It did not have a phone,
The taps were hard to shift - I
Wrenched them on, they gave a groan,
As water dribbled out, a brownish khaki.

Next day, alas, dealt me a real harsh blow;
Bad spasms down below...

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
When you are miles away from any town?
Without a car (a cab had brought me here)
And nothing to take to calm all those gases down?

Many a stash I found inside the larder,
Many a can of beans; a loaf of bread,
But, sadly, no Diocalm,
Ha! Nary a handy balm,
Only some pills to ease an aching head.

So, how do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
Rush to the john then take yourself to bed!

But the sleep it would not come,
My severely anguished bum
Was employed on active duty thrice an hour,
Unpredictab-a-ly churning,
My internals kept on turning,
As I prayed for help from some high superpower.

How I wished a pharmacy
Could be in that house with me,
How I wished I was at home, oh, how I wished!
But the overriding issue -
Was the dwindling toilet tissue,
When I looked, the final roll was
Oh...finished.

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
When you are miles away from anywhere?
How do you make a healing panacea?
When all you have's a loaf and beans to spare?

So many thoughts rush through my achy forehead
So many salvos shake my sulky tum,
I wish I could run and hide
I wish I could turn the tide
So I could halt these harsh, sulfurous 'runs'.

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
Try kamikaze? Yes! Hoorah! Bye bye.

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WINTER WONDERLAND
(A Song for Christmas)

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song,
As we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
Until the other kids come knock him down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Walking in a winter wonderland,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

WINTER WEAKENED
(A Poem).

Ice-bergs crack, are you listenin'?
North Pole land, snow is missin' in,
Don't fret about war,
The threat is a thaw,
Winter's gone, new global warming's here.

Gone away, winter fun days,
Here to stay winter sun-days,
An icy cold blast?
A thing o' the past;
Global warming's here and winter's gone.

In the meadow wildflowers keep on growin',
Any given season anywhere,
Dank, polluted rivers go on flowin',
And black smoke blowin' up
Into the air.

Dreamin' of a white Christmas?
Not a hope! It has missed us,
No flakes in the wind,
No lakes with ice in,
Winter went and global warming's here.

January, we will walk in sunshine,
Cuddle underneath a willow tree,
Indulging in a chilled and genial white wine,
A Chardonnay could do the trick for me!

Nowadays, hell it's no fun,
Havin' all wall-to-wall sun,
Hey nonny-no, who plundered the snow?
Global warming hit and winter went.

Global warming hit and winter went.
Global warming hit and winter went.

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YOUR SONG
By
Elton John

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

OUR SON
By
Elton John

It's a teeny bit eerie, how I'm sixty-three,
Yet I want a family for David 'n' me,
I've got lots of dough, boy I've earned a few quid,
Yet what I need now is one designer kid.

So I found us some donors, with eggs and with sperm,
I got this surrogate mother, she bore it full term,
Delivered it Yuletide, it was quite a plus!
The gift is this fine boy - the gift is for us.

Now we can tell everyone, this is our cute son,
It may shock the public, but now it is done,
I hope they won't mind,
I hope they won't mind, and they won't cause a fuss,
This baby is Life's tiny gift unto us.

I'll need to change nappies... yet, maybe I won't,
A nanny's more versed in the do's and the don'ts,
Thank you celebs, you've been tweeting you're thrilled,
Can you Beckhams help out with your parenting skills?!

I've a whole US tour booked, feel over the moon!
Oh, it'll be huge fun, I'm going quite soon,
Yes, without the boy, hell, he won't be in tow;
Hey, a son is for Christmas, not for life, you know!

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"To be, or not to be, innit, that is da question what I is askin' bruv. Whether it is wicked and stuff with all da pointy arrows and fings coming from da hood or to take arms against da sea of agro by well mashin' dem, know what I mean? To be well dead or just chillin', man, it means nuffin' cos that just ain't cool, bitch, no matter if you is all stiff or not, you get me? And dere is da rub, innit, or is you just busting me chops or what."

This is from 'To Be or Not To Be, Innit - A Yoof-Speak Guide to Shakespeare', by Martin Baum.

Author Baum has retold all the Bard's work in downtown 'chav' fashion.

His justification?

It'll encourage today's kids to enjoy Will's jottings in a fun format that any moron could understand.

Mr. Baum's modified wording contains the quintessential meaning of the original classics, but with wit...

DIM-wit!

What a wasted effort! :-(

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Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain,
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

The sunlight hits your photograph
And memories stir and start to dance,
I let the quietness linger then,
The moment fades, but not the pain
That hides within, it's undiminishing,
A format never finishing,
Distained and flat, a stone-hard fact...
Now, as rain drums on my window pane,
A dormant mind-light glows again,
And I believe I can make it through;
You'd want me to.
You'd want me to.

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HOW TO GET ON IN SOCIETY
by
John Betjeman

Phone for the fish knives, Norman
As cook is a little unnerved;
You kiddies have crumpled the serviettes
And I must have things daintily served.

Are the requisites all in the toilet?
The frills round the cutlets can wait
Till the girl has replenished the cruets
And switched on the logs in the grate.

It's ever so close in the lounge dear,
But the vestibule's comfy for tea
And Howard is riding on horseback
So do come and take some with me

Now here is a fork for your pastries
And do use the couch for your feet;
I know that I wanted to ask you-
Is trifle sufficient for sweet?

Milk and then just as it comes dear?
I'm afraid the preserve's full of stones;
Beg pardon, I'm soiling the doileys
With afternoon tea-cakes and scones.

HOW TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.

Are there enough gays in the Forces?
Do rapists enjoy Human Rights?
Do we, sheep-like, observe Health and Safety?
Have 'No Fires!' ruled on Bonfire Night?

In classes, do kids write on 'chalkboards'?
Do prisoners see films and TV?
Do we, finding a thief in our kitchen,
Attack? Hide? Or make him some tea?

Did the Councils ban Christmas and Easter
To avoid ethnics taking offence?
Is the term 'nitty-gritty' an insult?
When did we revoke common sense?

Is Jesus a little offensive
To those who do not share our faith?
Must the vast multitude all defer to
The smirkers who detest our race?

If dud answers you gave to these questions,
The Thought Police will be on your trail;
If the rules are not kept as intended,
You'll serve a stiff sentence in jail.

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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