Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2017

All the highly-placed anagrams from the August 2017 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Time is a great healer =
Harm? I let age erase it!

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Here is a list of five items that are invisible:
1
2
3
4
5
=
Verifiable set:
1. air
2. time
3. faith
4. ethos
5. evil sins

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The opioids =
Oh, it is dope!

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens =
Best child slave workers in city

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The painter Edouard Manet =
He made neat nude portrait.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
'Tomorrow Never Dies' featuring Pierce Brosnan =
A stirring Bond? No, we picture Sean forevermore.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Violent racist hell ~
in Charlottesville.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The American president =
Pre-eminent head racist.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
In August, the sun will completely disappear in the US =
Then, we applaud a mysterious eclipse until sunlight.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
White supremacist politician, David Ernest Duke =
A nutcase had idiotic views like President Trump.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
USA President =
Sure inept. SAD!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The North Korea president Kim Jong-un =
I think the jerk soon angered Trump, no?

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - John Ramos with:
Hurricane Harvey =
Heavy air churner.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Great Indian Rhinoceros =
I carried giant nose horn.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Democratic People's Republic of (North) Korea =
Home of a pot-bellied, super-hero, crackpot cretin.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
You are shut in this secluded, windowless, unlovely hut with the following room-mates: a tiger, a cobra and a lawyer.
~
You've a single gun, with two bullets. So what should you do? Remain calm, raise rifle and shoot the darn lawyer. Twice.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE SIX TOP MEDICAL COMPLAINTS
1. Skin rashes
1. Abdominal pain
3. Backache
4. Earache
5. Neck or arm pain or trauma
6. Nausea, vomiting
=
1. Common hives?
2. Hmm... trapped gas?
3. A knackered spine axis.
4. An aural pain
5. A heart attack? No, it's more a...
6. ...chronic bilious imbalance

3rd - Adie Pena with:
"In a nuclear war, all men are cremated equal" Dexter Keith Gordon =
We'll conquer a great area; exterminate all recorded humankind!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
=
'The answer's Forty Two!' Max cried. He was exceptional, a whiz, invariably right in class. Yet very restive. There seemed to be hatred present behind his brilliance. A vicious trait. Then finally, one day, he snapped...

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
=
As vicar, Victor Pindor, watered his raspberry plant, he sensed a tremor way beneath his feet.

He shivered, seized by an inexplicable anxiety.

Then something intrinsically evil clawed its way out of the earth...

3rd - David Bourke with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
=
"Aha! A very easy hundred-and-sixty-seven point win!" said Chris the Scrabble bore, with a crafty smile. "The Z, each way, on a triple letter...then, relish my seven-letter finish, "EXPIATE", on a triple word. A decisive Bingo!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three McDonald's executives were captured by natives in an Amazon rainforest and taken to their chief.

"You very bad men!" said the chief, "destroy our forests. You will be punished."

The men looked at each other nervously.

"You!" said the chief, pointing at the first man. "I let you choose. Death... or bum-bum!"

"I don't wanna die!" whined the quaking man. "I don't know what bum-bum is, but I'll have it!"

With that, ten of the largest, most strapping warriors seized the man, threw him over a log and rogered him relentlessly for half-an-hour until he was just a bloodied wreck, then dragged him away.

The chief looked at the second man and announced: 'I give same choices. Death or bum-bum!"

"What you did to Trent Wiggs was just horrifying," gasped the distressed man, "but... I don't wanna die. I'll take bum-bum."

Twenty eager warriors grabbed the man, threw him over the log, and rogered him in the same appalling manner for over an hour, leaving him in an even worse state than his colleague.

The chief turned to the last CEO, who was the most senior of the three, and before he could speak, the man yelled defiantly, "I will not suffer the same outrages as those two. Death before dishonour! I choose death!"

At that, a great cheer went up from the tribe as they all roared: "Hooray! Death by bum-bum!"
=

A man, a pig and a dog were the sole survivors of a bad shipwreck.

They found themselves marooned on a desert island where they soon developed a routine of sitting on the beach each night to watch the sunset.

On one balmy evening, the sky was red, with fine, wispy clouds and a warm breeze - the perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the pig began to look more and more desirable to the man.

After a time, he leaned over and put his arm around the animal. The dog immediately became jealous and growled menacingly, so the man removed his arm. After that, the chummy trio continued to watch their sunset but with no more cuddling.

Three months later, there was a further shipwreck in the area. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in quite a bad state when washed ashore, but he'd tenderly nursed her back to health until she was able to join the mixed trio of buddies on the beach for their sunset ritual.

It was a beautiful night - the red sky, high, wispy clouds, balmy breeze; a night made for romance.

After a bit, the man felt his ardour begin to stir. He tried so hard to fight it but he could contain himself no longer. So he moved over to the beautiful young woman and whispered timidly in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit
and his superior intelligence.

'Tell me, Mr Green, what makes you so fiendishly smart?' he asks.

'I would not share my secret with just anyone,' Green replies, speaking softly
so that others in the shop won't hear him. 'But since you are a friend and
such a good customer, I will let you in on the great secret. Fish heads. You
just have to eat enough of these beauties and you will then speedily find you
become positively brilliant.'

'Great! And you sell these fish heads here?' the customer asks, excitedly.

~

'Just five dollars,' says Mr Green.

The customer buys three. A week later he's back, complaining the fish heads
were simply quite disgusting, and he is no smarter. 'Oh, you didn't eat enough,'
says Green. The customer goes home with eighteen more. Two weeks later, he is
back, and this time suspicious and distinctly put out, vitriolic.

'Hey, Green,' he says, 'You're a joke! An opportunist! Selling all these little
heads for five dollars each, when I can buy the whole fish for three. Man, that
is not only corrupt, deceitful ... you're out to exploit me!!'

'See, son?' says Green. 'You're smarter already.'

3rd - David Bourke with:
The BBC's highest-paid television and radio personalities:

1. Chris Evans
2. Gary Lineker
3. Graham Norton
4. Jeremy Vine
5. John Humphrys
6. Huw Edwards
7. Steve Wright
8. Matt Baker
9. Claudia Winkleman
10. Nicky Campbell
11. Alex Jones
12. Alan Shearer
13. Andrew Marr
14. Stephen Nolan
15. Fiona Bruce
16. Derek Thompson
17. Tess Daly
18. Vanessa Feltz
19. Nick Grimshaw
20. Simon Mayo

=

1. Ginger jerk
2. Walkers crisp-eater
3. Overly-gay Irishman
4. Exceptional phone-in host
5. News
6. News
7. Serious Jockin' man
8. The One Show
9. Madam of 'Strictly'
10. Vain man
11. A nice Welsh bird
12. Sporting man
13. Has trademark jug ears!
14. Who? Never heard of him
15. Very talented!
16. Casualty
17. Simple blonde, very thick husband
18. A hall-sized behind
19. An embarrassment
20. A plank

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE LISTENERS
A Poem by Walter de la Mare

Is there anybody there? said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champed the grasses
Of the forests ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Travellers head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
Is there anybody there? he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplexed and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirred and shaken
By the lonely Travellers call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
Neath the starred and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:
Tell them I came, and no one answered,
That I kept my word, he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.

=

THE OLD FARTS
Mutton Geoff

'Er, is anyone there?' said Ted Elverton,
To the back of his wife's head.
Seven times he'd asked her what was for dinner,
(She was either deaf or dead).
Even though he was six feet behind her,
He still could not make her hear,
So he stepped two paces forward, and four feet to her rear;
'Er, is anyone there?' he asked.
No reply there came from Nannette Elverton,
As she stood at the old kitchen sink.
'Oh, what's for dinner, Nannette?' he sighed,
(Christ, her hearing truly does stink!)
No reply came forth, so on he pressed,
To only three feet behind.
'Nannette,' he stressed, 'I long for some fodder,
'And what is topmost in my mind,
'Is the thing you've prepared on the culinary front,
'That you still seem unwilling to state,'
Then another step forward he toddled,
Only two steps behind his mate;
Sort of drew a long breath, then he hollered,
'I've got this harsh pang in my gut!
'Tell me the dinner that you plan to cook,
'For my belly thinks my throat's been cut!
Still no answer at all from his old lady love,
As she cracked on fast, doing the food,
'I keep on shouting,' he sighed, 'Lord above!
'It seems that I shout in vain;
'Hello, Nannette?' he hollered, "Hello?"
'You're really quite an old pain!'
Now, level behind her, old Ted hollered right in her ear:
'I'm gaggin' to eat so, again...
'Nannette, oh gosh, tell me first -WHAT'S FOR NOSH!'
She turned, her cheeks all red and hot;
'Bangers 'n' mash, hell I've told you ten times!
'Are you soddin' deaf, Ted, or what?'

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
HANDY TIPS FOR LIFE (Men AND Women)

DIETING TIP:
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea
will enable you to lose twelve pounds in only two days.

FINANCE TIP:
Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing
a miner's hat.

FINANCE TIP:
Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think
you've broken down and come over to help you.

HOUSEHOLD TIP:
Drill a small, one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to
check that the light goes off when the door's closed. Clever, eh?

HOUSEHOLD TIP:
Old telephone directories make ideal address books, simply by crossing out the names and
addresses of people you don't know (or maybe even want to know).

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. And once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addiction you may switch over to much cheaper espresso.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing just outside
their window and changing channels using your identical remote control. Magic!

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
During rush hour, sit comfortably in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they get to slow down.

~

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
Fool other car drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV
or a video remote control up to your ear, and occasionally swerving across the road.

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes redden and
bulge in response, and causes them to swim in an odd, eccentric, most amusing manner.

AND:
When money comes out the ATM, shout: 'OOH, WOW! OOH LOOK! SEE, SEE, I WON! Excellent!
Third time this week!'

PARKING TICKETS:
Dodge lousy parking tickets by discreetly leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'
when you leave your car parked illegally.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
Impatient? No time for a bath? No shower? Wrap yourself in tape and shift the loosened dirt
by quickly peeling it off in seconds.

TRAVELING TIPS (I):
Do not bother to pack liquid shampoo in bulky bottles which can leak in your suitcase. Do plan
ahead. Con the whole family beforehand into getting easier, 'skinhead' haircuts here, a day or
two before departure.

(II)
When motoring anywhere, always turn left. Then, if you should be lost, well, you can soon
confidently find your way back home by reversing the procedure, and always turning right.

SAFETY TIP:
Do fasten your shoe laces responsibly, and certainly do it indoors. Caution: NEVER in a
revolving door.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Tom Myers with:
Two days of shore leave =
A steady love of whores.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A fart is but the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd? =
No, it's only a curry-fired blast of putrid methane.

3rd - Julian Lofts with:
Oral sex without her dentures ~
won't hurt, Sue theorised. Relax!