Long Anagram by Paul Pan

Urgent
Berihu (Frank) Rhurhubulu, Gen. Comptroller
21 Bebunduqbe Ave
Lagos - Nigeria
Tel/Fax 234 - 90 - 502387

URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL

Dear Sir/Mme,

I'd like to initially bring my best for good health and success in your blissful pursuits particularly through my solemn business proposal as contained herein.
Prior to going to details of my thrilling quote, I must solicit you to treat it with utmost confidentiality, as is required for its success. A pre-eminent associate assured me of your really sharp ability, verve, skill and reliability to prompt a stirring transaction of great magnitude for a serious pending financial transaction requiring maximum confidentiality, recommend you to me.

I am current Gen. Comptroller and my colleagues are prominent high officials of the Government of Nigeria's Contracts Exchequer Review Panel who are interested in diverting some large funds that are presently floating in accounts of the Central Bank of Nigeria. In order to realise this transaction, we solicit for your assistance to enable us transfer into your account the said floating funds. We are determined to conclude the transfer before the end of the third quarter of this fiscal year.

The source of the funds are as hence: During the previous military regime in Nigeria, corrupt government henchmen clique set up offshore companies and awarded themselves oblique lucrative contracts that were grossly over-invoiced in ministries and parastatals. The present heroic military regime has hitherto set up the official Contract Review Panel, which has a highest ruling to use the instruments of payments made available to it by the decree setting up the panel, to review these contracts and if necessary pay those who are being owed outstanding amounts. My chief colleagues and I have identified quite a huge sum of these funds which are floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria ready for disbursement and would like to seize some of it for our own purposes. However, by of our positions as civil servants and members of this panel, we cannot acquire these balances in our names or In the names of companies that are based in Nigeria. I have therefore been mandated, as a matter of trust by my colleagues in the panel, to took for a reliable overseas partner pioneer into whose account we can retrieve the reimbursable sum worth U.S. Dollar thirty-five million, five hundred thousand . That is why I am writing you this letter.

We have agreed to share the money to be transferred into your account, if you agree with our just trilateral proposition quoted as follows;
(i) 25% bills surrendered to the account owner (you).
(ii) 65% credit settlement deign for us (the panel officials).
(iii) 10% to be used in settling all small running expenses (by both you and us) complemental to the actualization of this proposition .
We wish to invest our income share of the proceeds of this venture in bullish foreign stock equity bond markets and other nicer unique business till we are ready and able to have access to them without raising any queer eyebrows here in Nigeria. Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and risk-free. We intend to effect the swift transfer within fourteen banking days from the date of receipt of the following information through the telephone / fax number stated above:
Your company's name, address, phone and fax numbers, your Bank's name, address, phone and fax numbers and the account number into which the funds should be paid.
This way, we will use your company's name to apply for payment and backdate the award of the contract to your company. We are looking forward to doing this terrific transaction with you and we solicit for your confidentiality in this transaction. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter. I will bring you a helpful detailed note of this thrillingly unique transaction opinion when I hear from you.
Best regards.
Berihu (Frank) Rhurhubulu, Gen. Comptroller

 

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George Walker Bush
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am George Walker Bush, son of former President of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently also serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency. In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic Republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary. My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion U.S. dollars. Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the Republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves. My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the president of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars, both in the initial acquisition and in Long-term management. Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting Vice-President of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleezza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her. I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25%) of your yearly income to our account to aid this important venture. The Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April. I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter. I pray that you understand our plight. My family our colleagues and I will be forever grateful. Please reply in confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,

George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

[3,166 letters]


Nominated in February 2003


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